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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
Hey, did you hear the one about the naughty orchard farmer? When he went to trial, he was judged by a jury of his pears! http://bestsmileys.com/lol/18.gif (broken link)
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God..
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. http://bestsmileys.com/lol/4.gif (broken link)
These aren't exactly jokes.. but they are mostly humorous.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knottʼs Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
New 401K
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would
have $49 left.
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
Well I reckon I will start it off Since this particular forum is dominated by some very funny and witty ladies I have no choice but to toss out some manly man type stuff. Yes you may print this out and stick it on your fridge
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
It cannot be changed so like the Beatles say....Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.....EVER.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a serious problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us, we call it like it is.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
I laughed so hard when I read this to my husband I finally had to just read them to myself ..get all my laughing out then read them to him lol..this is the funniest thing i've read in a long time..Thank you..i needed that..
"Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to
the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10
and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and
the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find
a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since
he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on
behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city,
you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all
their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again !
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works."
This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86
> year old woman.
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
> published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:I am writing to
> thank you for bouncing my check withwhich I endeavored to
> pay my plumber last month.
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
> between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
> account of the funds needed to honor it.
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
> entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
> place for only eight years. You are to be commended for
> seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
> debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
> inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
> from the manner in whichthis incident has caused me to
> rethink my errant financial ways.I noticed that whereas I
> personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when
> I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
> has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
> with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
> repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
> automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employeeat your bank
> whom you must nominate.Be aware that it is an offense under
> the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
> envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which
> I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
> runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
> him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
> alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
> medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
> and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
> (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
> by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I
> will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
> quote in dealings with me.I regret that it cannot be shorter
> than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
> of button presses required of me to access my account
> balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
> is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing
> field even further. When you call me, press buttons as
> follows:IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
> FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to
> see me #2. To query a missing payment.
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room
> in case I am there #4. To transfer the
> call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
> to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my
> mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To
> leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you
> at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned
> earlier. #8. To return to the main menu
> and to listen to options 1 thr ough 7. #9.
> To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
> then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
> answering service. #10. This is a second
> reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
> occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
> for the duration of the call.Regrettably, but again
> following your example, I must also levy an establishment
> fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
> wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
> Year? Your Humble Client(Remember: This
> was written by an 86 year old woman. And remember:
> Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old
> in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them
> off.
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Better get thee to a punnery....
Just for you
