MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Troy: unemployment rate, weddings)

[Versatile]

Three Scariest statments in the Military
There are three statements that I think should scare you, no matter what branch of the service you were in...

1. Anytime a Lieutenant says "according to the map..."
2. Anytime a Captain says "based on my experience..."
3. Anytime an old time warrant officer says "Hey guys, watch this!"

[Versatile]

Please, Call Me "Bubba"
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he was settling in, he saw the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen get on, and start down the aisle. he was more than surprised, and extremely pleased, when she took the seat next to him.

Eager to start a conversation, he blurted out "Are you traveling for business or pleasure?"

She turned to him, smiled, and said, "This is a business trip. I'm on my way to the Nymphomaniacs of America national convention in Boston."
He gulped, and thought to himself, how lucky can a guy get; the most gorgeous woman, and she's going to a nympho convention.

Struggling to keep his voice neutral, he asked "And what will be your function at this convention?"

She replied, "I'm the keynote speaker. I have been researching myths about sexuality for some years and have some interesting findings to share."

"Myths?" he replied, "What kind of myths?"

"Well," she explained, It has always been said that African-descended men have always been the most well-endowed, but my research shows that it is actually the Native American man who is most well-equipped.

"Another popular myth is that Italians are the best lovers, but it is actually Jewish who are most amorous."

And I have discovered that it is the Southern Redneck who has the absolute best stamina in bed."

Suddenly, the woman paused, and said, sort of embarassed, "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't be telling you all this. After all, we just met and I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," said the man. "Tonto Goldstein. But all my friends call me 'Bubba'".

[Versatile]

The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want
to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
..

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk; hands them
a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that
were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,'
he says, 'this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could
have'...

[Versatile]

The Double-decker Bus
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a Double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard

and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

[Versatile]

Bubba and Billy
Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

[Versatile]

Blonde Reporting A Fire
A blonde called 911 to report a fire at her apartment,
"Come quick, there's a fire in the kitchen."
Calmly, the 911 dispatcher asked,
"How do we get there?"
Surprised by the question, the blonde answers,
"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"...

[Versatile]

New Born Baby
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Versatile]

Strange Things to Ponder:

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

[Versatile]

Some Strange British Signs


Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Versatile]

Pythagorean Theorem
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.


if you don't get it, re-read the last sentence slowly (it takes a little bit of math education, preferably geometry)