Hilarious review of New Moon. (film, movie theater, scene, romance)
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As we walked by the movie theater last night, I saw this huge number of teenaged girls camping out for "New Moon" and I wondered "what's all the fuss about" and checked out the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and saw one of my favorite reviews of all time:
Quote:
If you're a few years removed from high school, a person of color, don't have teen daughters, or a heterosexual male, New Moon will probably disappoint. But, what do I know -- this is the same audience who loves Miley Cyrus. -Clay Cane BET.com
Every preview I've seen for the film had nothing but white boys without their shirts, as if it was an Abercrombie & Fitch ad.
I don't get the fuss, even the previews are cheesy.
Everyone keeps focusing on the guys without shirts. They don't have shirts in the book! This isn't a ploy for the movie! They run around shirtless for a couple or reasons that are explained in the book....
Another website I visit had a list of New Moon reviews from all the major publications, and each review had me cracking up! Here are some of my favorite quotes:
Time:
Quote:
As Edward, Pattinson is all pale passion and tortured restraint; his eyebrows, like muskrats determined to mate, hunch together in the middle of his sunken face; the few times he smiles, it looks as if it hurts, and he still seems reluctant to move his mouth when he talks...
Quote:
Expect an eruption in the theater during the scene in which a thrill-seeking Bella wrecks the motorcycle Jacob rebuilt for her and he strips off his T-shirt to tend her bleeding head. From that point on, his torso remains so central a character it should be given its own credit line.
Rolling Stone:
Quote:
I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any. They basically primp and pose through the same humdrum motions they did before.
Salon:
Quote:
Bella's eyes pop when she gets a load of [Jacob's] chest, and she gets to see a lot of it, as we do. Forget that wan Victorian valentine Edward — the movie only wants to hammer on the notion that women feel conflicted between sensitive, skinny pale guys who'll protect them with their mad vampire skilz and brawny bruisers who'll protect them with muscle, either the wolf or the human kind.
Quote:
The dialogue consists of numerous variations on two lines, the first being "I love you, but I'm a vampire, and I can't protect you," the second, "I love you, but I'm a werewolf, and I can't protect you."
"The dialogue consists of numerous variations on two lines, the first being "I love you, but I'm a vampire, and I can't protect you," the second, "I love you, but I'm a werewolf, and I can't protect you."
Sounds like the two variations of Congresscritters to me. 'Cept they only strip off their shirts when the are having affairs - or maybe that is pants... Ohh, the comparison is starting to get ugly. Don't want to see that.
Bella writes long letters to her absent vampire friend Alice (Ashley Greene), in which she does nothing to explain why she is helplessly attracted to these sinister, humorless and vain men. It can't be the sex. As I've already explained in my review of the first film, The Twilight Saga is an extended metaphor for teen chastity, in which the punishment for being deflowered I will leave to your imagination.
The movie includes beauteous fields filled with potted flowers apparently buried hours before by the grounds crew, and nobody not clued in on the plot. Since they know it all and we know all, sitting through this experience is like driving a pickup in low gear though a sullen sea of Brylcreem.
I think the thing I find most amusing about Twilight is the idea that an immortal, rich, and handsome vampire would actually *choose* to attend high school. On purpose. High school is just so awesome that he'd totally want to spend eternity taking algebra.
I bashed the books and movies from afar for so long and then finally sat down one day and read the first book. I watched the first movie. I tried to read through the rest of the series just to see how it ended, but it made me so sick I had to google it. At least now I can bash it with evidence to back up my claims, but boy, if I could go back in time I might have spared myself and gotten back the hours of my time wasted to prove a stupid point.
I can't believe that any self respecting publishing company would TOUCH that piece of crap, or that any production company would make it come to life. Honestly...And there are GROWN WOMEN who read this sh** too, you guys! Grown women! I can see stupid teenaged girls reading this crap because they don't know any better, but really? Adults like this crap?
It's disappointing because I do like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. But the whole series is just a mess of angst and romance with a complete lack of logic or common sense.
HOW THE HELL COULD A VAMPIRE IMPREGNATE A GIRL? EDWARD IS DEAD! Sperm cannot live in a dead body! What the helllllllllllllllll Not to mention that she's in high school and he's like a thousand years old. Pedophile, much? And parents let their kids read this crap?
Thanks for letting me rant, I just don't understand how this crap can be popular. I really don't. And I love reading snarky reviews of the movies
I liked this review from Roger Ebert:
I think the thing I find most amusing about Twilight is the idea that an immortal, rich, and handsome vampire would actually *choose* to attend high school. On purpose. High school is just so awesome that he'd totally want to spend eternity taking algebra.
Ahaha that's so true. And not just one chooses to stay in high school - but four. Wouldn't vampires have much better things to do with their time than attend high school? Especially if they have so much money. AND ESPECIALLY IF THEY GLITTER!
And yeah...the whole lack of plot thing really helps the story along The review written by Ebert is spot on. Bella never says why she loves either of them. She just does. It's like a big chunk of the plot is just missing.
I got sucked up into the Twilight Saga, and surprised myself as I'm not much for reading nowadays. I was entertained so I continued to read on. Here's my own take of it.
My Twilight review:
Kristen Stewart's acting was good and in character, loved the soundtrack, I thought the baseball game was quite clever, fight w/James was totally believable, all in all I pretty much enjoyed it. Special effects pretty good although I had to laugh when Edward ran. I thought a bit of eroticism when Edward couldn't stop sucking the venom from her wrist...well done!
The only thing I didn't like was how pasty they were made to look, kinda clownish, especially Carlisle.
Look forward to seeing more of Jacob, what a cutie!
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