Nebraska court system is like a car dealership (Grant: lawyer, equity)

[nsokerbloom]

I have had sole custody of my 7 year old son for over 4 years. And no I am not the mother, I am actually the father. She has never paid me any child support, even though it was only 50 dollars a month (minimum) During those years she had been to jail more than she had even seen my son. She is a very violent person who happens to be addicted to meth.

The only way for me to get full custody initially was that she basically failed to show up to court (more than once)

I was served papers the other day to go back to court because she wants a classic style visitation schedule. I contacted my lawyer, paid him 500 and was scheduled for court the next Monday morning (10-22-07)

I showed up at court early, dressed in suit and tie. My lawyer showed up (who is familiar with the case from the beginning) I was told to sit in the judges courtroom. (A different judge than the initial one)

The two attorney then went behind closed doors to "strike a deal with the judge." It took 10 minutes. I did not even see the judge at all. There is no way that her past was reviewed. She was just given another chance. Because, well you know she did complete a mandatory alcohol counseling session (as to avoid going back to jail) (I'm sure the meth problem will be fine, because we all know that people just quit that with no problems, especially women.) I'm joking, she was broken out like a 13 year old with her boyfriend that is twice her age.

My attorney then came back to report what the judge "decided."
Now I have to attend parenting classes that I had already done in the past, go through mediation which is not a problem, and allow my son to spend one full day a week, unsupervised, in a different trailer of the same trailer park where she has been using drugs for years. (she has new boyfriend of a few weeks)

Let me just take a second to point out what would have happened had it been me with all of the assault charges, theft, barred license, and history of just forgetting about my son. Let's say I was ordered to pay child support (because everybody is) and I chose not too because I was bashing bar bouncers heads with mugs causing them to go have many staples in his head. Not to mention, all of the drug use.

Well, there is no way they would just say, "oh, that's ok. Maybe you can do better this time. You should have your son in the crackhouse at least once a week. He is only a child I am sure he'll be ok. And they wouldn't have just forgotten, or brushed off all of the child support that I hadn't paid for a couple of years. I would have been in jail.

So this is to all of those users who claim that the men get off easy. Let me tell you, in my experience it is very much the other way around. I'll keep you posted when something happens, or she just blows him off for another 9 months to a year.

If you have any questions about this matter, I would be happy to discuss. This is just not fair to those of us who are doing everything known to man to protect our children.

Yes, I am a home owner with an associates degree in computer systems and networking, with my own car. My son has everything that he needs to be safe, comfortable, and able to learn and grow as all children should have the opportunity.

I would appreciate any feedback. I feel like I am the only one who cares.
Thanks for reading.

[MarriedWithOutChildren]

I would like to start off with saying that I empathize w/your situation. As a Family Support Worker I see all too often parents who do not care and 1/2 heartedly complete the work that the caseworker advises just to get their kid back into the home. You seem to have done everything right and the system has failed you.

In NE, the courts first priority is to keep the family together, which is not always at the best interest of the child. I was working a case where the child was in foster care, had supervised visits with her father, and the mother was not in the picture. It took several missed court hearings for the mother's parental rights to be terminated. The father ended up voluntarily surrendering his rights after a nasty incident with between his new wife and her children.

It is so sad because the child should be the first priority, not the mother. Hopefully, your child will not be harmed by these visitations.

[mattpoulsen]

I agree there is certainly inequity within the court systems on the issue of child custody, with a bias nearly always given to the mother.

I do feel for you and its a shame that she can't get her act together and be a good mother.

However, a lot of this falls on the shoulders of your attorney. To be honest, it doesn't sound like he tried very hard. The court, especially when a judge is new to the case, can only work with the arguments and facts presented to it. Just from the sounds of it I'm not sure if you're attorney did you any favors.

Is she paying you child support?? First, if there is standing court order, that is mediated through NCSPC, you should simply be able to call the county attorney to get enforcement. There are all sorts of cases where the person who failed to pay ends up in jail for a few weeks.

I understand this was a custody arrangement. Was the fact that she hasn't paid her support ever brought up? If she's still behind then I'd call the county attorney. I'm not suggesting being vindictive, but if she's as messed up as you say she is it may give you a bit more leverage in getting things accomplished.

Granted she may have been given another chance, but your attorney should have been able to get several things accomplished. Here are some things I'm curious about:

1) Was child support discussed?
2) Does she have to submit to a periodic drug/alcohol test?
3) Did your attorney even try for supervised visitation?
4) Is there any history of abuse or neglect with respect to your child?

Obviously, there only so much to learn from an internet post, but I hope your attorney at least touched on these issues.

[MsBea_1]

you are not the only one who cares. I did not realize how biased the system and especially Nebraska is when it comes to child custody. the courts say they want to do what is best for the child but from what I've observed, they do what is best for the moms. and yes, I'm a mom and a grandmom but I realize the fathers in our state (and maybe some other states) don't have a chance in a custody situation. the laws need to be changed to protect our most important asset.......children.

it amazes me that the attorneys made the deal without consulting with their clients. they are suppose to be working for the client and without asking, how do they know what the client is willing to agree to? have you taken that up with your attorney? perhaps it's time to fire this one and hire a new one.

[Earniefan]

I can't believe they didn't give her supervised visitation. Why people think it's more detrimental to a child's well being to not see a parent than it is to be with a parent that is messed up on drugs, alcohol or just messsed up in the head is beyond me. They're only causing your son more pain, anything he witnesses while with her and the fact that as you said she'll bail again are going to have a significant affect on him. It's being abandoned again and again, why can't they see that?! My only real advice for you is to make sure your son knows he can tell you anything that may go on that shouldn't, and when this happens make sure he doesn't know that it was what he said that got her into trouble. If he thinks he's resposible then he won't tell you what goes on when this happens again later in his life. As children we love our mothers and all we want is for them to love us, we don't see all of the other stuff. A child doens't know to turn off those feelings because they can't. I'm speaking from experience as the child in a situation similar to this one. Except my mother didn't need drugs or alcohol to act like a selfish crazed ***** that's just how she is. It's too bad when children have to pay for their parents mistakes in life. I commend you for being there for your son and commiting your life to him, he has a long road ahead of him. Be aware now that he's going to have issues with women in his life, counseling is a great option to help him put the feelings he's having into perspective. I wish you both the best, and will say a prayer for you.

[mconzemius]

I'm curious if you son got a say in the matter? I have never personally gone through a custody issue, thank goodness, but I would imagine at 7 years old, he would have some opinion on if he wants to be in her life or not.

I don't really have any advice or information for you, but I hope that everything works out the best for your son!! I'll be keeping him and you in my thoughts.

[aerahrtlu]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I heard that a child can't legally have a say in which parents he or she would rather live with or see until they are 14. Is there any truth to this?

[mattpoulsen]

aerahrtlu,

I'm not exactly sure if there is an absolute hard age...I think its more of a maturity and comprehension decision that is made by the court. That said, a 7 year old would have no say in determining who he wants to live with. Furthermore, even in the case of an older kid (say a 16 year old) their "say" is only a part of the decision.

[pablo-me]

I lost custody of my son because the lawyer told me it would cost me an extra $20,000 in legal fees. I was in college and couldn't figure out how to come up with the money. At the hearing the judge looked at me and said, "I don't understand why you aren't trying to get custody".

That was 20 years ago, and I regret not fighting for custody to this day. You have custody, and will be the dominant influence for your sons future. He is very lucky to have a loving father so devoted to his welfare, and that will be a defining event twenty years from now.