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Old 04-09-2014, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Sioux Falls, SD area
3,146 posts, read 4,613,323 times
Reputation: 5311

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Quote:
Originally Posted by motleygirl123 View Post
The title pretty much sums up what is going on, i have a wonderful daughter whom has been dating this loser boyfriend of hers for about 4 years. He has cheated on her several times, been to jail for drugs , has a violent temper although has never hit her that i know of ( and God help him if he does ) and we just cant seem to get rid of him. She is a manager at a pizza place until she starts college this coming fall, but she has just informed me that she will be moving in with the deadbeat 18 year old boyfriend and his dad and his dads girlfriend. This dad gives his kids alcohol and doesnt care if they smoke weed around him. Can she legally move in with them at 18? Is there anything i can do to stop this?
We had a sweet, well grounded daughter at 17, then overnight got in with a bunch of druggies and started using herself at 18. It can happen fast. If she were still 17 we could have committed her for drugs and at least got her out of the drug den, but since she was 18 we had to go to the extreme of throwing her out of the home and later having her committed. The only way this could be done was the courts had to determine that she was either a danger to herself or others. They determined she was a danger to herself. If they didn't determine this I don't know what we'd done.

IF your daughter is using, you might have this awful option. If the boyfriend is using and she's clean, I don't think there's much you can do other than to stop the flow of cash, but still welcome her whenever she comes home (minus the deadbeat). You cannot overemphasize that she's going to college and this basically all comes to a halt if she gets pregnant. Keep reminding her of this even if she gets mad at you.

Incidentally, when my daughter got out of treatment, her drug buddies basically abandoned her because she was clean and they were afraid that she'd rat them out. Best thing that ever happened. She's totally changed since then and is back being the good person she was. Today you would never know what a mess she was in then.
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:23 PM
 
2,096 posts, read 3,044,487 times
Reputation: 2264
Too bad she couldn't go to college away from home. It would really open her eyes about the way other people live and what is acceptable behavior.
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Old 08-31-2014, 01:48 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,413 times
Reputation: 19
The hardest thing for a parent is letting go. the more you stand in her way the farther away you will push her. I agree NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT but let her learn from her own mistakes . And be there when she reaches out for your emocional support. But even though she reaches out to you for help she is still responsible for her decision/consequences. Life with a drug addicted always goes wrong, Maybe you want to sit calmly and ask if she doing any type of drug? its not always the case but who knows
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Old 09-14-2014, 12:18 AM
 
179 posts, read 233,007 times
Reputation: 93
Ask her boyfriend for a nice private, sit-down talk.... and then kill him.









But for serious, I liked reading this as it makes me feel better about my crappy family. Also, I have some tips for you, OP, from someone who knows a lot about psychology:
* Generally don't berate or bombard her with unsolicited advice. Here's a quote I've come across and saved: "Study on “bacteria, plants, and rats” highly suggests that rewarding “desired behavior” is the best way to encourage change, opposed to negative action. “Punishment causes aversion and resentment and brings about alienation and avoidance.""
* Detach from her at least a little bit, partly because she's an adult now, partly because your strong attachment so far isn't working and to try something different.
Good luck.
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:38 AM
 
9,658 posts, read 15,790,186 times
Reputation: 15967
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Look at your own family to see what makes her think this is an acceptable way to be treated.

You should have been acting long before she turns 18....because yes, she can leave and never speak to you again.

At best, you can keep the lines of communication open and be a safe place for her to fall if things get bad.

Oh, pleeeez....not that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

I have 2 teens, ages 16 & 17. Both smoke cigarettes. Neither DH nor I smoke, we do NOT associate with those who do smoke, and smoking is not allowed in our home. So, guess we've set the pace? BTW, I don't know where they get the cigarettes, obviously someone is buying them for them. Yes, I've talked to them about the dangers of smoking, how its addictive and expensive, and how it sets one up socially. I've done this in a supportive manner over time, but, seems others have influence over them which I don't.


I don't mean to hijack this thread into one about teen smoking, just to express that parents aren't the only influence on their children, nor many times the main influence.
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Old 09-14-2014, 07:01 AM
 
5,239 posts, read 6,740,567 times
Reputation: 11326
The OP hasn't been back since her initial 3 posts in April, so hardly a point to debate this one.
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:00 PM
 
179 posts, read 233,007 times
Reputation: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
parents aren't the only influence on their children, nor many times the main influence.
I would say that parents are the main influence in the vast majority of instances, if not every one, when you include pervasive ways like gene pool and emotional skills. I admittedly have a bias here in that I can say that many of my current problems are at least partially the fault of my parents in the way of teaching bad habits and not looking out for my best interests, and their tone when I bring this up in some way to them is a combination of denial and poorly handling being wrong. That said, I have little idea your role in your children becoming smokers; I'm just saying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by todd00 View Post
The OP hasn't been back since her initial 3 posts in April, so hardly a point to debate this one.
Hmm, you're right. @Zionpr : why'd you go bumping this thread months after its last post?
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Ohio
5,626 posts, read 5,030,224 times
Reputation: 6765
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Oh, pleeeez....not that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

I have 2 teens, ages 16 & 17. Both smoke cigarettes. Neither DH nor I smoke, we do NOT associate with those who do smoke, and smoking is not allowed in our home. So, guess we've set the pace? BTW, I don't know where they get the cigarettes, obviously someone is buying them for them. Yes, I've talked to them about the dangers of smoking, how its addictive and expensive, and how it sets one up socially. I've done this in a supportive manner over time, but, seems others have influence over them which I don't.


I don't mean to hijack this thread into one about teen smoking, just to express that parents aren't the only influence on their children, nor many times the main influence.
Then your issue is YOU and Hubby if you allow it to keep happening. Why are you throwing your hands ups saying " Well someone is buying them so its ok".....geez
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:54 PM
 
179 posts, read 233,007 times
Reputation: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815 View Post
Then your issue is YOU and Hubby if you allow it to keep happening. Why are you throwing your hands ups saying " Well someone is buying them so its ok".....geez
Where did she say she allows it to keep happening or says that her kids smoking is okay?
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Old 09-15-2014, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,231 posts, read 7,241,537 times
Reputation: 6679
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Oh, pleeeez....not that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

I have 2 teens, ages 16 & 17. Both smoke cigarettes. Neither DH nor I smoke, we do NOT associate with those who do smoke, and smoking is not allowed in our home. So, guess we've set the pace? BTW, I don't know where they get the cigarettes, obviously someone is buying them for them. Yes, I've talked to them about the dangers of smoking, how its addictive and expensive, and how it sets one up socially. I've done this in a supportive manner over time, but, seems others have influence over them which I don't.


I don't mean to hijack this thread into one about teen smoking, just to express that parents aren't the only influence on their children, nor many times the main influence.
My Dad smoked up to three packs of Camels every day when I was growing up. The day I got my drivers license I went out with a bunch of my friends. One of my buddies left a pack of Camels in the glove box. Next day my Dad needed a ride and he asked me to take him to town. The glove box popped open and Dad saw the pack of smokes. He commented on them and he told me that if I was going to smoke he thought I should know how to do it correctly. He had me stop the car and roll all the windows. He then made me smoke all of the cigarettes left in the pack. By the time I smoked the last one I was ready to puke my guts out. Dad just asked me if I really enjoyed it. That was 52 years ago and I have had no desire to smoke a cigarette since. Thanks Dad.

P.S.
A year or two later My Dad quit smoking, cold turkey. He lived the rest of his life smoke free.

GL2
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