Share a Smile (North Platte, Columbus: camper, safer, cars)

[Go Ne]

Not so much a joke but its a good story
Omaha.com - The Omaha World-Herald: Community - Kids get kicks at Camp CoHoLo
I know a lot of the people quoted in it in fact.

[Sandhills Guru]

Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask
me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

[Sandhills Guru]

My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."

[Sandhills Guru]

The Zipper


As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg 0A

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[Sandhills Guru]

> The Sweetness of Married Life
> The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.
>
> 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
>
> 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer...'
>
> The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
>
> The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar.... You know....they have frozen glasses........ '
>
> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
>
> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
>
> 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
>
> 'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
>
> 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?'
>
> And they lived happily ever after.
>
> Isn't that a sweet story?
>
> MARRIED LIFE ...............
> MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP!!!

[ComputerUser000]

Very good stuff, thanks for the laughs on a Back-To-Work-Monday!

[Go Ne]

I thought this was rather humorous but almost stupid, watching good morning America I saw North Platte was currently at 34 degrees...........and was moved across the state to the place of Columbus, hmmmmmm................ thats odd.

[ComputerUser000]

Originally Posted by Go Ne

I thought this was rather humorous but almost stupid, watching good morning America I saw North Platte was currently at 34 degrees...........and was moved across the state to the place of Columbus, hmmmmmm................ thats odd.

Now Ive seen weather forecasts no tv where they have a dot where the city is and the type in such big letters it looks mislpaced.. but crap, how do you make North Platte look like it's in COLUMBUS?

[Go Ne]

The dot for North Platte was clearly in Columbus' area, the map was zoomed in on the Great Plains area.

[Sandhills Guru]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'