Share a Smile (Omaha, Murray, Henry: house, camping, clubs)

[Sandhills Guru]

This topic seems to go over well on a couple other CD forums. Thought I would give it shot here in Nebraska.

I will kick it off.

The lone ranger and Tonto went camping in Nebraska. After
They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'"
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo dung. Someone stole tent.'

[tpabes]

My smile is I bought a house today!!


and now my honey-do list is as long as the eye can see!

[SCGranny]

Congrats, tpabes! ((((( tpabes ))))) (sorry, I am a hugger!) I know how exciting it is!

One of my newest favorites:

A well-dressed businessman, flying home, got aboard a plane in Rapid to go to Denver. The plane was a prop-engine, and noisy and older. As the man made his way to his seat, he noticed that his assigned seat was next to a little girl, about ten, traveling alone. Thinking that the little child might be frightened, he determined to make small talk, to get her mind off of the flight. After exchanging pleasantries, he decided to have a little fun.

"So, what should we talk about on this long flight together?" he asked.
The little girl shrugged. "Whatever you want to," she said.
"OK, let's talk about nuclear energy."
"Really? What do you know about nuclear energy?" she asked.
"Oh, I know a lot about all kinds of things," he said indulgently.
"Well, before we do, can you answer a question for me?" She asked.
"Of course," the businessman said.
"Cows, horses, and rabbits all eat grass. But a cow produces patties, a horse produces nuggets, and a rabbit produces pellets. Can you tell me why that is?"

The man pondered for a moment. "No, I sure can't," he admitted.

The little girl looked at him disdainfully. "Then how can you talk about nuclear energy when you don't know s__t?"

It was a very quiet trip.

[Sandhills Guru]

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

A hungry dog hunts best.
~ Lee Trevino

You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen..
~ Lee Trevino

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that..
~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henry Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

[Dave1215]

Originally Posted by tpabes

my smile is i bought a house today!!


And now my honey-do list is as long as the eye can see!

congrats!

[tpabes]

This was posted in South Dakota forum:

[Sandhills Guru]

YouTube - Daniel Tosh - Nebraska

[Sandhills Guru]

YouTube - Ole Nebraska Cowboy

[Sandhills Guru]

YouTube - Air Action Chipmunk

[Sandhills Guru]

The world's largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it's currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.