Next Q: Which town best fits our family "personality" (Derry: fit in, transplants)

[tamicamp]

I posted previously about my husband being offered a job in Londonderry and I have another question. I'm wondering which town within a 20 minute or less commute to Londonderry would best fit our family. I would appreciate any and all suggestions and TIA for reading this long post!

Here's a little about us:

We currently live in a small town outside of Ann Arbor, MI; pop about 5000. We moved here before having children and have discovered since having kids that we definitely don't fit in well here. I expect my kids (ages 3.5, 5.5 and 7) to be well behaved in public, good manners, listen and follow directions, clean up after themselves and do chores around the house. I am definitely NOT a helicopter parent and I don't feel its my job to entertain my children. I also don't sign my kids up for a lot of extra activities. I don't feel its my job to be a taxi service and I don't want everything in my kids lives scheduled. I want them to have plenty of unstructured free time and I think being bored is a GOOD thing for kids. And finally, I give my kids freedom to make mistakes - I think they learn best by doing and if they make an unwise choice they'll probably learn better than if I'm hovering over them making their choices for them.

And this is why we don't fit in well in our current location. This is a rather affluent area. Most of the children in our neighborhood have so many scheduled activities that they never have free time to play. Soooo many of the children I've met "rule the roost" in their homes. Most of the parents hover over their children to the point where its impossible to carry on an adult conversation with them. Most of the moms here are stay-at-home-moms and are rather cliquish and gossipy. I know these are generalizations, but I often feel like I'm back in high school when I'm with other women from this town. Conformity seems to be highly valued here, and non-traditional is viewed as suspect.

I'm looking for an area that's accepting of people who have their own ideas and thoughts about things; where people have more to talk about than high schoolish gossip. Our oldest son is adopted from Cambodia, so acceptance of diversity is important. Regarding schools, I'm not the PTA, cookie-baking mom looking for high rankings. I want a school with low class sizes, individual attention, where the teachers meet the students where they are and go from there rather than a "one size fits all" education mentality.

I hope this post doesn't come off as sounding too negative. It's just been a frustrating experience living and raising children here. For anyone familiar with this area, we would definitely be more comfortable in nearby Ann Arbor (but my husband's company isn't willing to pay for us to "relocate" 30 miles :-) and w/o their help moving would not be an option)

Thanks!
Tami

[nicolem]

WOW-first of all- I have to tell you how refreshing your post is! It is not one bit negative to me. The fact that you don't let your kids "rule the roost" well it is so nice to hear in this day and age. I personally agree with everything you said and I really liked what you wrote about allowing your kids the freedom to make mistakes-isn't that how we all learned?

Ok now back to your questions-

I would like to address the diversity issue. I would think that most of use would agree on here that it really won't be an issue-as far as lack of tolerance, etc. I believe that most people here are more concerned about your character and whether or not you want to come here to change things. Depending on where you move-you may experience some people who are reserved at first. Of course I cannot say 100%-but if that happens I don't believe it will be because of your little boy. Some New Hampshirites are reserved at first to everyone. Many on this board have experienced it to some extent but will tell you once NHrites get to know you are a good person who does not want to make NH your former state and complain that you have to go 10 miles to a store if you choose to live rurally-then you have a friend for life. Of course you may also move to an area with a lot of transplants too as many people are moving into NH from around the country.

As far as areas to live- I a not too familiar with Londonderry area I believe in your other posts a few members mentioned ValerieC- she lives in and loves Londonderry. She was having computer problems but I think she is back on line a little. My post will bump this up and hopefully she will read it and answer your questions-if she has not already.

Sorry that I could not be of more help-I am not really familiar with the Londonderry area. Good Luck.

Nicolem

[lisa g]

Originally Posted by tamicamp

I expect my kids (ages 3.5, 5.5 and 7) to be well behaved in public, good manners, listen and follow directions, clean up after themselves and do chores around the house. I am definitely NOT a helicopter parent and I don't feel its my job to entertain my children. I also don't sign my kids up for a lot of extra activities. I don't feel its my job to be a taxi service and I don't want everything in my kids lives scheduled. I want them to have plenty of unstructured free time and I think being bored is a GOOD thing for kids. And finally, I give my kids freedom to make mistakes - I think they learn best by doing and if they make an unwise choice they'll probably learn better than if I'm hovering over them making their choices for them.

Hi Tami!
I'm more comforted than words can say reading this. Hard to find similar minded moms who actually want their kids to experience regular unstructured time and actually learn how to entertain themselves, **develop imaginations** not to mention healthy self confident independence (and not inappropriate empowerment-ugh, can't stand that) anymore!!!! I agree with you 100% and have subscribed to the live and learn philosophy too.
But enough about me, this is your post

For us, moving from our tiny SoCal property to 2 acres in S.NH has helped quite a bit. Just getting out of the suburbs and into a more rural setting made a difference. I wish I knew more about NH towns but I've only been back here (used to live here before kids) almost a year. The many knowledgeable and kind people on this board will have more intelligent info for you! It's my opinion that you can really have any lifestyle you choose here (even in S.NH). If you could visit the state and scout out various towns/regions, it'd really help you narrow down possibilities.

Best of luck to you, It'd be terrific to have you as a neighbor, but at the very least I hope you'll stick around CDNH!

[jthibodeau]

I believe your best bets, considering your Londonderry job, would be around the Sandown/Hampstead areas. These area seems a bit more laid back but quiet areas can also be found in the communities surrounding Derry.

It sounds as if you may want to be located "a bit further out" but, A good real estate agent, such as Val, can point out areas which may suite your needs.

[scone]

Wow, I think you really, really need to talk to Valerie C, the resident Realtor on the NH forum. I've met her in person, and I think you two would get on like a house afire. She has kids in school too, and is really knowledgeable about all this family stuff, especially near Londonderry. I'm sure she can help you. If you look at her profile, you can send her a private message.

[Rexicana]

While I'm totally supportive and almost in full agreement with your child raising philosophy, I feel I need to caution you about changing an area to find a change in attitude. While sometimes it can work out great, you may find the exact same things you are trying to escape here. I've been surprised at how booked up the kids can be in the summer here, although it has played to our advantage due to the craziness of trying to move into an unfinished development.

When I was in CA, I found a lot of people with similar beliefs in homeschooling groups. Out here, they seem to be more in Waldorf groups (although both I have met both homeschooling and Waldorf families who are really overscheduled). We're not a Waldorf family, so we need to look a little more to find some like minded folk.

My recommendations whether you stay where you are at or move is to check with local nature-based organizations and programs (yes, they are usually classes, but often attract that kind of folk). Another thing is to post a flyer starting a parent's salon (pick a topic), with well behaved kids welcome. Or anything that puts out to your public what you are looking for.

Best of luck!

[maestramommy]

Originally Posted by tamicamp

Here's a little about us:

We currently live in a small town outside of Ann Arbor, MI; pop about 5000. if I'm hovering over them making their choices for them.

And this is why we don't fit in well in our current location. This is a rather affluent area. Most of the children in our neighborhood have so many scheduled activities that they never have free time to play. Soooo many of the children I've met "rule the roost" in their homes. Most of the parents hover over their children to the point where its impossible to carry on an adult conversation with them. Most of the moms here are stay-at-home-moms and are rather cliquish and gossipy. I know these are generalizations, but I often feel like I'm back in high school when I'm with other women from this town. Conformity seems to be highly valued here, and non-traditional is viewed as suspect.
Thanks!
Tami

My cousin is originally from Ann Arbor, is living in Farmington Hills, but getting ready to move back to Ann Arbor, for all the reasons that you've mentioned. I'm sooooo curious as to which town you currently live in, because she told me about one in particular that fits your description to a T. Old money, plastic surgery galore, rude snotty kids, etc.

We moved out here from L.A for a variety of reasons, but mostly for the schools and for a different work ethic we want to instill in our kids. I don't want to feel obligated to sign my kid up for soccer and ten million other sports/activities before they are 10. They are pretty good at entertaining themselves for their age, and I'd like to keep it that way. We know the main diversity we're getting is that we look different, but in a way that's good for us because we didn't want our kids to be in an environment where most people look like us. On the other hand, I did the research and found that NH is very accepting of diversity, which is important. I mean, nobody wants to be shunned in their own neighborhood.

Personally I think if you were to move to Londonderry, you'd find a lot of the biggies you are looking for. But I would also be aware that anytime you move to an area that is "affluent" you will have a number of kids that behave in the stereotyped fashion. I'm told that Bedford is affluent, and seen as snooty, but I'm aware that the wide range in home prices here means that there will be a wide range of incomes as well. The gentleman selling me carpet lives in Bow, and tells me stories of some of the kids there (very entitled, helicopter parents, etc) I don't know if Londonderry is considered affluent, but the property taxes make me assume that it is at least middle class.

[tamicamp]

Wow! Thank you all for your support! I have to admit, I was quite hesitant to post what I did and expected to get flamed. But what's the point of asking for advice if you're not going to be honest? Being a parent in this town and day/age when children are catered to and their every wish is automatically fulfilled has been my biggest challenge in life. But I *really* appreciated the positive feedback from you all.

Back to the original topic, we'll be coming out there Aug. 21-24 to take a look around. I have to admit, I'm really nervous. The housing market here in Detroit has been hit hard and it looks like NH is still doing well. Good for you guys! But I'm terrified we're going to end up in a shack! I've emailed Valerie directly, so we'll see if she can help us.

Thanks again!!

[lisa g]

Tami, I just wanted to say best of luck when you come out here. There's no better way to get a feel for a place than with your feet on the ground.

I'd like to reinforce my point about having any lifestyle you choose here - I live in Hollis, which is affluent by NH standards, yet coming from the area of LA Cty we came from seems very laid back to us. My kids have been welcomed by lots of very nice well behaved friends, not 100% spoiled rich kids as one might assume. Their friends come from as wide a variety of lifestyles as could be imagined anywhere, and from my experience, I can't generalize our town as lots of people instinctively do. It's all relevant, and life here is not the cookie cutter life of SoCal. Public school here has been safe, but I see holes in the curriculum, etc. that I attempt to fill in independently. There are lots of opportunities for that, too.

Maybe this will help you to gauge things when doing your NH research. It sounds like you already know that regardless of the vibe of the place you choose to live, how you parent is strictly up to you. Hopefully you'll find a place more supportive of your choices or at least one that is not such a contrast.

Best of luck again, feel free to DM me anytime, I'll help in any way I can.

[littlebitcountry]

Taxi-- I totally understand your post. I too am looking to relocate to NH, and I'm choosing locations based on access to the Waldorf schools. (One in Keene, one in Wilton, and one in Queechee, VT). I find that even though Waldorf is a little bit loopier than my own sensibility, the kids are great, and the parents are not at all high maintenance. The rest seems to take care of itself.