Indians ?!!?!?!?!?? (education, Koreans, ethnic)

[mom2gurls]

Simmi-

Huge difference between being forced into marriage and dating before marriage. Again, if you are not brought up here..its hard to describe in words setting someone up on a blind date with a group of friends...then having your folks set you up on "date" (which of course has been pre-approved by both sets of families, after you get a complete biodata or resume on the person which consist of the following standard questions:

1. What does he or she do
2. Where did he go to school
3. Is the girl homely (lol--my personal favorite)
4. Is he/she fair skinned
5. What is the family background
6. What is his salary
7. Where does he live
8. What do the parents do, what does each and every sibling do..(complete background check on them as well).

Once both parties go thru these set of questions, exchange a picture...then they arrange a "date" for everyone to meet (can I just say...AWKWARD)..and the "kids" usually go out to the patio or porch or for a cup of tea or lunch...and then as they walk in the door "All eyes are on them" hoping that something has clicked in the 30 minutes they have gotten to know each other.

And then its usually the moms that talk in the evening after they have either

a) confirmed that there is an "interest" in proceeding to discuss the negotiation of marriage

b) its a "Thank you but we are not interested"

If the answer is yes..then both "kids" are allowed to "date" and the marriage is arranged quickly...and an engagement is announced..so everyone and their uncle knows that the boy and girl are "taken". Its the point of no return here,because its a huge embarrassment if someone backs out now?

And all this is after the initial 30 minute meeting that is of course supervised.


**WHEW** in contrast a blind date with friends or having mom or dad mention that they now someone that sounds interesting is just that.

"hey, I know this great guy, he is super nice, he works in the marketing department of where I work, I know he is single..you should meet him"

She says: "Um okay, is he cute? (LOL), what does he do again...."

You tell your friend and she agrees and then you tell your male friend and he agrees to give her a call...and thats it..either they go out on a date..or not..

If something clicks...cool, if not..no big deal.

The difference between blind dates in this country is that you are not going into a blind date for the sole purpose of marriage taking place..you are jsut seeing if you even click with someone enough to want to go out on a second date and get to know them.

[luckyduck]

Originally Posted by simmi

Luckyduck, I did not get that. Do you mean all upper class people in the Phillipines are light skinned and all lower class dark -skinned ? What does class refer to here ?
I thought class was all about how affluent you are, how can that have anything to do with a person's skin color ?? I am confused..
In India you can see all classes of people in all colours ..lol

Most, if not all, the upper class folks are light-skinned, and even if an upper-class person were to just get a "tan"-- it is frowned upon. Some people may argue with me, but I have never met a dark-skinned affluent Filipino in the Philippines. Here in the U.S., I have, but not there. Also, just from observation from my visits there (and this is supported by the media)-- every rich person or celebrity is light-skinned, or mixed-race of some sort. Conversely, I have never met or seen any light-skinned, lower-class folks. Some people say that affluent folks maintain their light skin because they rarely set foot out in the sun, they are always chaperoned and driven around, and live in air-conditioned homes. (God, I'm sure someone will lambast me for this, but these are just personal observations of mine...) Oh, and sorry for veering away from your thread...

[LauraPetrie]

Originally Posted by moving_pains

I'd tend to disagree there. Indians generally associate black people with crime and tend to avoid areas frequented by black people. While it isn't politically correct to say so openly, that _is_ a fact. You might see some occasional Indians (esp. Gujjus) running some gas stations or motels in black-heavy areas, but how many well-off Indians buy a house and settle there? Indians generally look for a trouble-free life and community, that's why. Where I live, the Triangle area of NC, Indians tend to settle down in areas like Cary, Morrisville, Apex etc as opposed to areas like Durham due to the exact same reason. OK, don't shoot me for saying this please.

.

I agree this is true . But that isnt only with Indians , is it ? Read the other threads and you will find out that is the case with everyone . Personally, I dont have anything against Black people...They are people, just like us. . Ok when I am looking to stay in some place, I will choose a place which is low-crime regardless of whether it has anything to do with Black people or not.What if an area is full of white skinned criminals, will I go stay there ?? So this doesnt have anything to do with black or white. Choosing a place to live is more to do with safety rather than colour.

[LauraPetrie]

Originally Posted by luckyduck

Most, if not all, the upper class folks are light-skinned, and even if an upper-class person were to just get a "tan"-- it is frowned upon. Some people may argue with me, but I have never met a dark-skinned affluent Filipino in the Philippines. Here in the U.S., I have, but not there. Also, just from observation from my visits there (and this is supported by the media)-- every rich person or celebrity is light-skinned, or mixed-race of some sort. Conversely, I have never met or seen any light-skinned, lower-class folks. Some people say that affluent folks maintain their light skin because they rarely set foot out in the sun, they are always chaperoned and driven around, and live in air-conditioned homes. (God, I'm sure someone will lambast me for this, but these are just personal observations of mine...) Oh, and sorry for veering away from your thread...

Oh, now I get it . And btw, Dont be sorry and dont be scared to say anything here

[mom2gurls]

Originally Posted by luckyduck

Most, if not all, the upper class folks are light-skinned, and even if an upper-class person were to just get a "tan"-- it is frowned upon. Some people may argue with me, but I have never met a dark-skinned affluent Filipino in the Philippines. Here in the U.S., I have, but not there. Also, just from observation from my visits there (and this is supported by the media)-- every rich person or celebrity is light-skinned, or mixed-race of some sort. Conversely, I have never met or seen any light-skinned, lower-class folks. Some people say that affluent folks maintain their light skin because they rarely set foot out in the sun, they are always chaperoned and driven around, and live in air-conditioned homes. (God, I'm sure someone will lambast me for this, but these are just personal observations of mine...) Oh, and sorry for veering away from your thread...

Again this thread should be moved to the general section..probably on an immigration thread on not on a NJ thread.

But I think this statement is interesting and I think it does hold a bit of water....I mean we have all been to disney land or some major touristy area....and I see the the people of the orient carry little umbrellas..and I personally think the japanese women have beautiful skin...maybe its diet rich on omegas..but also they protect themselves from sun damage?

I do remember growing up some of my indian friends mom would say.."Dont go out in the sun, you will get dark"..hmmnn might be a generation thing?

Anyway, not to veer from the original topic..but very interesting and insightful POV.

[LauraPetrie]

Originally Posted by mom2gurls

Simmi-

The difference between blind dates in this country is that you are not going into a blind date for the sole purpose of marriage taking place..you are jsut seeing if you even click with someone enough to want to go out on a second date and get to know them.

Agreed. But it still seems very much like an arranged thing to me. Mainly because, if things dont "click' on the date, they stop seeing each other , right ? That is similar to things not working out in the first scenario (the arranged marriage one) and both parties splitting ways.
What if things do work out and the people in question like each other ? Will they not, eventually, sooner or later, end up marrying each other? This is a question. I dont know how it is with Indians brought up here. Is it considered ok to go out with someone on say like 10 dates , and then not marry that guy/gal ?( This is taboo in India). I am speaking only about Indian Americans here, I know it is very much ok with Americans . Personally, I am not for or against anything here. Just want to know the scene thats all.

Mom2gurls, another qn. Why do you keep saying "forced into marriage" when you describe arranged marriages? Those days are gone. I had an arranged marriage, in the sense my parents looked for someone for me. Before I met my husband, I talked to 2 other guys chosen by my parents. I was not comfortable with any of them. But no one forced me into it. My parents respected my decision and never ever uttered a word against it. I then met my husband (again my parents choice), and the first time we met I knew I would be happy with him. We talked for more than an hour on our first meeting. Today ,I love him more than anyone else and I can say happily that he does too. What more do I want ?
What I mean here is arranged marriages in India today are definitely not the ones anyone is "forced into" against his or her wishes. With times, people are changing, and I dont think (educated or atleast higher end families) will ever force their kids into marrying someone their child does not want to spend his or her life with.

[mom2gurls]

OH boy..this is going to open up a whoooollllleee can of worms! I still think this post needs to be put on a different thread and not take up the NJ thread..but as long as the mods have no problems with it...we can continue to discuss.

Okay..hmmnnn let me see if I try and explain things:




[quote=simmi;1232236]Agreed. But it still seems very much like an arranged thing to me. Mainly because, if things dont "click' on the date, they stop seeing each other , right ?


Maybe..or they might just give the date a second chance..depends on the person..its just too hard to judge over one date.


That is similar to things not working out in the first scenario (the arranged marriage one) and both parties splitting ways.
What if things do work out and the people in question like each other ?

Well, then they date or talk on the phone till all hours of the night LOL

Will they not, eventually, sooner or later, end up marrying each other?

NO, they may not...alot can happen in 6 months or a year. My dh's good friends met in college and him and his girl dated for almost 10 years before getting married. They met early on in college and wanted to make they finished, pursued their careers and saved money and had the dream wedding in NYC that they wanted. I met the wife after marrying dh..but that is the story that she tells me. Of course I think women will just want to "know" where things are headed after 6 months..or maybe they will want to just "keep it casual" ( the new term for dating..when you are not sure where its going or if you are not sure you want to be serious just yet).

But to determine after 10 dates....if marriage is in your future..well I guess it could happen..I had a quick courtship myself..and it was very cliche' (love at first site) kind of thing..


This is a question. I dont know how it is with Indians brought up here. Is it considered ok to go out with someone on say like 10 dates , and then not marry that guy/gal ?( This is taboo in India).

Again, maybe in certain regions...its taboo..I thought that way of thinking was gone..my cousins dated in an "americanized fashion" so I never really new the old fashioned way of thinking still existied.

Actually indian or not..you should spend time getting to know one another...remember, dating doesnt mean you are going to jump and have sex...which is what I think older generation parents get really freaked out about when teenagers start dating...they things are going to get intimate really quickly. And their is a huge sexual revolution going on in this country..but that is different subject, can of worms and topic all together.

Its important to date and get to know one another before you even thing about becomming boyfriend/girlfriend..and even that doesnt have to lead to engagement or even marriage, gone are the days where a women was an "old maid" at the ripe old age of 25.

Think of dating as networking....LOL..I dont know really how to explain what dating means...what dating multiple people means..what dating in your teens means..what dating in your adult years means.

But it is actually a form of networking I guess...you just can meet a whole bunch of people (without being intimate if you choose)..to see if there is a good fish in the sea that is worth giving a second look too. And if there is..you explore your options and see where it leads..it may take a year or two..as people spend a year just plannning their weddings!

I am speaking only about Indian Americans here, I know it is very much ok with Americans . Personally, I am not for or against anything here. Just want to know the scene thats all.

Mom2gurls, another qn. Why do you keep saying "forced into marriage" when you describe arranged marriages?

I say forced/pressured./arranged....whatever you want to term it.(its probably more of a cultural thing)..I think getting married is a personal decision between the two people in question who are getting to know one another..not after an hour of conversation, not after consulting with everyone on the planet..but YOU yourself only.....I just dont think you really determine if you want to marry them after going out for steak and glass of wine on saturday night. Getting an outside persepective from friends an family is great..and should be encouraged..but there should be no pressure to marry someone for the sake of getting married.

I am biased though...I am raising girls and was blessed in that my parents believed that I should get all my "single" fun out of my system and enjoy my time with friends and family before I met someone and got married. Again, they were very pro-active in assimilation to the american culture when we came here in the early 70's and knew the drill about dating, "Prom", going out to nightclubs and dancing..so I never felt out of place or like a total dork.

All of my indian friends were brought up that way as well.

And I would encourage that of my girls as well..that they should get college, and get themselves set, enjoy life before they get serious about a guy--whether or not I set them up on a blind date or whether they come back from college introducing me to their *gulp* boyfriend.

I a have plenty of time to ponder this and get my gray hairs as I have three girls (one of which isnt born yet)!

[moving_pains]

Originally Posted by simmi

I agree this is true . But that isnt only with Indians , is it ? Read the other threads and you will find out that is the case with everyone . Personally, I dont have anything against Black people...They are people, just like us. . Ok when I am looking to stay in some place, I will choose a place which is low-crime regardless of whether it has anything to do with Black people or not.What if an area is full of white skinned criminals, will I go stay there ?? So this doesnt have anything to do with black or white. Choosing a place to live is more to do with safety rather than colour.

Just for the sake of expanding my general knowledge, can you name a place/city/town in US which is laden with white-skinned criminals?

[LauraPetrie]

Originally Posted by moving_pains

Just for the sake of expanding my general knowledge, can you name a place/city/town in US which is laden with white-skinned criminals?

Lol..I cant think of any such place, I was just making an example.

[LauraPetrie]

Mom 2 gurls,

Your description/thoughts /views about an arranged marriage are very different form my thoughts about the same. You still think of it as something which is forced upon by your family, but I dont, since I myself did not go through any such pressures. Whether or not I wanted to marry someone was was my very own peronal decision . Considering how differently we perceive the concept, we are bound to look at it in different ways, and keep going on and on.

Basically, I dont see any diffference other than in "arranged" marriages, you date the guy you decide to marry (like you said, you talk on the phone for hours..lol and talk abt your wedding , go out , and dream abt your future together) and in the other case it is not so.
You take your time on dates to think about if you want to end up with the person or no. That is good, but one thing which is different from the arranged marriage funda, wherein you might not have a lot of time to decide. But again, things are different here and there.

That is because once you go out on numerous dates with numerous guys in India, you are branded to be bad, and people look at you like you have committed a sin. That is the only reason all the initial things/meetings happen in the presence and knowledge of your parents. I agree there is only one date to decide if you like that person and want to be with him for your life or not. But I dont think it is anything bad. Maybe because it worked out well for me.

I dont see anything wrong in both situations we are discussing unless both people are happy with each other. But somehow you dont seem to be comfortable with the arranged marriage sort of thing, so I was just trying to put the fact out that arranged marriages in India today are not what they used to be like earlier. Infact it is very much like a "blind date" set up by parents, after that it is really a very personal decision as to whether you would like to take it forward or not. As far as planning weddings, one year is the average time gap in India between getting engaged and getting married, weddings there are also a big deal and take a lot of time to plan.

The sexual revolution thing, I agree with you, people there ,especially older generations freak out at the thought..lol.. It will take some time, maybe another decade or two for India to progress on that front.

Looks like you are expecting an addition to your family . Congratulations