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Old 08-16-2008, 09:19 PM
 
5,343 posts, read 8,864,724 times
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Well, I can give her the e-mail address of a friend who left NJ for AZ 5 yrs ago. She loathes it and can not wait to move back here. LOL

Seriously though - if it is all your child knows, they are going to be upset....but she will adjust.

Tell her she'll have a better chance of meeting the Jonas Bros. here!
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Old 08-17-2008, 05:32 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
944 posts, read 1,671,350 times
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Default When Warren isn't Warren...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diane Giam View Post
I did a search on Warren County middle schools...Warren Township School District schools... and at least its in Warren county where its not wall to wall traffic.
Don't confuse Warren Township with Warren County. They are miles apart and at their closest points -- at least a half hour by car.

Warren County is in western Jersey (on the Delaware River) and includes the towns of Hackettstown, Belvidere, and Phillipsburg.

Warren Township is in northeastern Somerset County, congruous to Watchung, within the I-287 "beltway" ... maybe five miles east of junction I-78 / I-287.

OP: Hubby will be working in Warren Township, correct? Therefore most of Warren County would be further away from his job than the stated maximum acceptable commuting time.
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Old 08-17-2008, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,508 posts, read 5,217,533 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevemorse View Post
alex, your talking a 12 year old !!! She cant help but throw tantums, ever hear the term a tude!!!! At that age they all got tudes (attitudes) this includes tantrums, if the kid was not throwing tantrums I would be more WORRIED!!! Perfectly normal behavior for such a big issue moving is like death on the stress scale for children!!!!! ITs one the most stressful things beside death and divorce to a child. It can turn a straight A student into a pot smoking bad kid. Moving is a tantrum issue throwing to a 12 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously?? My kids haven't had a tantrum since they were toddlers and it was just as unacceptable then. 12 y.o.'s have thoughts and feelings, often strong ones, that they need to learn to communicate effectively. Yes, even act like an adult (as much as is possible) because that is what they are training to be one day. Stop lowering the standards!!

Alex, we did just what you did with your son (without a penalty, just lots of encouragement). We encouraged DD to bring home names, phone numbers and points of interest with new kids she had met at school. It helped her to find kids she had things in common with, encouraged her to be more social in an uncomfortable situation and in the end she really liked the exercise.

OP, you can be reassuring to DD that you will make the move as easy as possible, that she is a wonderful girl (assuming tantrums are not the norm for her) and that she will have no trouble finding new friendships in a new location and then, stop feeding the drama. It is the best thing you can do for her. If she is a negative person to begin with you can not change that, if she is being negative about this situation only then you you can only be reassuring and then it is up to her to get glad again. You are all going through the stress of a move and if you can pull together it will be easier all around.
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Old 08-17-2008, 06:59 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank View Post
Seriously?? My kids haven't had a tantrum since they were toddlers and it was just as unacceptable then. 12 y.o.'s have thoughts and feelings, often strong ones, that they need to learn to communicate effectively. Yes, even act like an adult (as much as is possible) because that is what they are training to be one day. Stop lowering the standards!!

Alex, we did just what you did with your son (without a penalty, just lots of encouragement). We encouraged DD to bring home names, phone numbers and points of interest with new kids she had met at school. It helped her to find kids she had things in common with, encouraged her to be more social in an uncomfortable situation and in the end she really liked the exercise.

OP, you can be reassuring to DD that you will make the move as easy as possible, that she is a wonderful girl (assuming tantrums are not the norm for her) and that she will have no trouble finding new friendships in a new location and then, stop feeding the drama. It is the best thing you can do for her. If she is a negative person to begin with you can not change that, if she is being negative about this situation only then you you can only be reassuring and then it is up to her to get glad again. You are all going through the stress of a move and if you can pull together it will be easier all around.
i do not think I am allowing anyone to lower standards, I think moving is stressful especially at 12 and I think your expecting a 12 year old to act like an adult will bring problems down the line! I know so many kids who went thru stressful situations did not express their emotions , were dead quiet and 1 year later, they smoking the cigarettes, lying and drinking at 13!!!! It better to get it out then keep it in, get inside angry and hit the booze. I know my husband parents got divorced at 12 by 13 he was drinking in the woods. I can name tons and I mean ton of examples. So if you want a kid to act like an adult and hide their emotions so we will see what they are like next year. I am not saying let this behavior get out of control or control the parent. I am not saying feed the drama, I said learn to recongnize the signs before it turns into drama. You know, if kids keep it all in , it comes out in other ways. I get what your saying, I am not saying let this kid throws fits everyday! This is common sense, but she is allowed to have her feelings and I think its healthy to express it. I do understand what your saying and its a good point. Im not a moron. Thanks I will try to higher my standards maybe your right, I dont know it all!!!
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:01 AM
 
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by the way this does not apply to all!! Go deal with 13 year old juvies, thats what I did for a living!!!!
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Here but I spend time There.
1,973 posts, read 3,482,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevemorse View Post
i do not think a am allowing anyone to lower standards, I think moving is stressful especially at 12 and I think your expecting a 12 year old to act like an adult will bring problems down the line! I know so many kids who went thru stressful situations did not express their emotions , were dead quiet and 1 year later, they smoking the cigarettes, lying and drinking at 13!!!! It better to get it out then keep it in, get inside angry and hit the booze. I know my husband parents got divorces at 12 by 13 he was drinking in the woods. I can name tons and I mean ton of examples. So if you want a kid to act like an adult and hide their emotions so we will see what they are like next year. I am not saying let this behavior get out of control or control the parent.
I'm sure there are other factors that make a kid start drinking/smoking at 13, but the root of it all is that it starts w/ the parents, if you're a lousy parent, you'll PROBABLY (not always) have lousy kids. We're not the type of parents who would leave behavioral problems unchecked and I don't know about you but I sure would know if my kid was drinking at 13. 13 year olds should NOT be acting like adults, but they should be expected to be responsible for their actions (see throwing tantrums). I was 12 when my parents divorced and I'm happy to say, that I have never been drunk (and yes, I do drink socially, but never been drunk) have never touched any drugs (never had the need to "experiment") and never been to prison(ok, spent a night in jail many years ago, but that doesn't count) and I think I turned out just fine & dandy.
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex07860 View Post
I'm sure there are other factors that make a kid start drinking/smoking at 13, but the root of it all is that it starts w/ the parents, if you're a lousy parent, you'll PROBABLY (not always) have lousy kids. We're not the type of parents who would leave behavioral problems unchecked and I don't know about you but I sure would know if my kid was drinking at 13. 13 year olds should NOT be acting like adults, but they should be expected to be responsible for their actions (see throwing tantrums). I was 12 when my parents divorced and I'm happy to say, that I have never been drunk (and yes, I do drink socially, but never been drunk) have never touched any drugs (never had the need to "experiment") and never been to prison(ok, spent a night in jail many years ago, but that doesn't count) and I think I turned out just fine & dandy.
I agree with you 100%
however moving could cause a kid to starting drinking and getting high! Reasoning they are angry that they moved, need to start over, dont make new friends, become isolated thus get involved with a new bad crowd or alone starts acting out , thus drug use. Something starts it, death, divorce and moving at a certain age, study after study show these three factors as a contributor to drug use in that age group, if you would like links to studies which hey this is not an exact science ever kid is different, but I can get the links. But I agree with your statement, im not here to argue. So I am bowing out, insult me all you want!!
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:46 AM
 
Location: NJ
7,106 posts, read 13,163,583 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevemorse View Post
I agree with you 100%
however moving could cause a kid to starting drinking and getting high! Reasoning they are angry that they moved, need to start over, dont make new friends, become isolated thus get involved with a new bad crowd or alone starts acting out , thus drug use. Something starts it, death, divorce and moving at a certain age, study after study show these three factors as a contributor to drug use in that age group, if you would like links to studies which hey this is not an exact science ever kid is different, but I can get the links. But I agree with your statement, im not here to argue. So I am bowing out, insult me all you want!!
Can't rep you.. says I have to spread the love around.

I understand what you are saying and I agree.
Every kid is different, the way they handle things, sensitivity, etc.
Hard to say what kid will turn to drugs while others can snap out of it themselves.
I don't like to announce it but I was a (in my dad's words) "wild child". The last few weeks of his life, he finally understood what drove me over the edge back then because he saw it with his own eyes 30 years later.

As parents, we have to be there for our kids and with my daughter, the way I am there for her has a lot to do with how she acts out. If I were to say tough crap deal with it, it wouldn't work. I know what works for my kid and what works for her might not be right for someone else's kid.

I try to think back at my emotions at that age. I try to think back on how it was ignored and how I won't ignore things going on with my daughter. I try to focus on the positive, such as the new room, tons of shopping.
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Some got six month some got one solid. But me and my buddies all got lifetime here
4,550 posts, read 6,486,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevemorse View Post
I agree with you 100%
however moving could cause a kid to starting drinking and getting high! Reasoning they are angry that they moved, need to start over, dont make new friends, become isolated thus get involved with a new bad crowd or alone starts acting out , thus drug use. Something starts it, death, divorce and moving at a certain age, study after study show these three factors as a contributor to drug use in that age group, if you would like links to studies which hey this is not an exact science ever kid is different, but I can get the links. But I agree with your statement, im not here to argue. So I am bowing out, insult me all you want!!
I went through a really horrible period of homesickness within a couple of months after moving to North Carolina. I know I withdrew from people some, I lost a lot of interest in some of what I loved to do and dove deep into the stuff that I knew to be real diversions (mainly just listening to Grateful Dead shows and a few other bands). I know that if I was just a little bit less of the person that I am I would've retreated into some older, more dangerous habits in order to numb the depression. Keep in mind this is coming from a rational (?) 38 year old. I knew I'd be homesick but I couldn't have predicted it would've been that bad. I'm not sure how I would've handled relocating 20-25 years ago.

It's gotta be tough on a 12 year old though. Just trying to think back to that age, you're establishing friends that you may still be in contact 20 years from now, you're still finding yourself, your whole life is that one circle and to have that circle broken can't be easy. Then again, it's not easy for adults either. I know a woman who moved to Charlotte, absolutely hates it nearly two years later, wants desperately to move back to New Jersey, yet can't because her daughters love it.

I do know that if I were relocating when I was 12, I would've been allowed a tantrum or two but that would've been it. Beyond a couple of "I don't wanna go" rants, or something along those lines, I would've heard a "You can cry all you want, we're going and that's that". No arguments, no discussions.
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Old 08-17-2008, 08:33 AM
 
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Look, decisions need to be made in families and you can not have the children making them. However, you can not treat children like they are mere property and not consider them either. OP is trying to do what is right for her children and I don't blame her one bit. Telling her to remember "she's the boss" and "12 yr olds don't have a vote" is really not benefiting anyone. Handling the move with care, consern and understanding will make it better for everyone, parents & children alike.

As for what leads children to start down a slippery slope ... like it or not things like moves CAN have an impact. It's not always just about "parenting." (Don't get me wrong, parenting is extremely important...but...) I have seen children, especially in the adolecent years, rebel against their parents by purposely getting involved in bad things. It does happen, and not only to "bad" parents.
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