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In light I see you now, but I must go..... The footprints I will leave may fade real slow.
When you see a star that shines so bright...... It shows the glow of our eternal life...
Don't think of me as drifting far away... I'll be around you every earthly day...
I'll be in the wind as it gently hits your face... I'll be in the sunshine as it fills you with its grace... When rain becomes the tears upon your face. I'll dry them off with wings...of hope and faith.
Then when I turn to leave.....remember so. The times of laugher, love, and arms to hold.....
It won't be goodbye, thats not within my plan.... Its someday, sometime........I'll hold your hand again.
Thank you for your love and all you gave....Your heart, your soul, your hope.....For all Our days. ************************************
Summering.........( I hope you don't mind the words just came to me as I sat here.....Thinking of you)
I have been really running around and needed time not to deal with this for a day or two. I went yesterday to the nursing home. The bottome line is she was so drugged out , talking nonsense and psychobabble that it was good and sad. The good news is drugs work for pain. You would just think she was mad as a hatter not a cancer victim. She actually was quite funny. Better funny than sad. Now color is just plain horrid. Bright orange, yellow , brown. Terrible due to liver not working. She is off dialysis so now were are waiting. Most people in her situation when they stop dialysis die with in 10 days. Im on day 4 today. The whole thing is so depressing to me. Its like I want to run and grab the dialysis machine to try and stop this but I cant. I know this is the best. Its just plain horrid that this has to be done. I am back and forth on the right thing to due.
I feel tremendous guilt on top of all this too!!! My sister needs a kidney and Im not even going to be one to get tested to help her. Believe me this was a huge problem in my life for a year on what to do about her. I chose not to be tested for a match. I know that sounds terrible and the guilt is now resurficing due to all my MOm s problems. I also feel like at times my Dad hates me for not being so noble and running to help my sister. Its a terrible price that sits on my mind that I am the only one how can save my sister. I cant do it, and Ihave several reasons why. I dont even now if Im a tissue match, I know somehow the blood is a match thru being a Universal donor. I have alot on my plate and I just want my dad to love me right now instead of yell at me.
I feel like my Dad really thinks Im a lousy person due to not helping my sister. Its alot believe me, I feel like at times they sister and father blame me or its my fault she got sick because I could SAVE her!!! I have to go get myself chopped up to help her! If it was my child, husband, dad, mom I would do it, but I was never close to her and she and I have alot of bad history. I dont want her to die too, I just want someone else to give her a kidney!!!! Its terrible pressure and guilt on me.
I have not forgot all of you in the above posts. Im just plain a mess right now.
you know since this is my death blog and I have been expressing alot of my feeling I want to just throw out some feelings I have reguarding my sister and her needing a kidney. Now some of this stuff might get you upset, dont blame me, just help me. Try to help me find something good out of this bad situation.
First off, my sister is a food addict. Funny I became the drug addict now clean and the exercise addict and she is the food addict. Seem like food is just as bad as drugs if not worse. She ate herself into type 2 diab. at a young age 30's. SHe went blind at early 40's. Now she keep eating to destroy her kidneys. I am angry about this. She is still eating because the doctors told her you will be taken off the kindey doner list if you dont loose weight. SO now she is exercising and dieting. I know we are weak as people but and I smoked for along time cigarettes so If I needed a lung transplant its sort of the same thing so who am I to be so judgemental. I quit smoking!! What bothers me is now here is the issue that might anger people. They have tons of money, over 3 million, why cant they explore the black market?? I dont know about this, but if I was in this desperate of shape and had all that money and a daughter who is 14 I would be finding or the husband finding something with all this money. Instead now here is my anger now this MAY be in my head or my own guilt but I FEEl that they are waiting for the easy way out like most addicts. Ohh use the sister , me, and when I was first thinging about it I asked her well lets say in three years after I give my kidney I have complications and no health insurance will you help me pay. SHE COULD NOT ANSWER IT> the bottom line is we were never close She drove me to my first bar, gave me my first drink, she is older and had no friends so had the license and stole my firends and got us stoned. This is cause so much crap and hate thru the years.
Wow Maryilyn, You must have nerves of steel. Honestly, I think I would have kissed my Mom goodbye and disappeared. Sorry, but with the amount of weight on your shoulders for a life threatening decision with your sister, plus your Moms final days to be dealth with, just can't imagine being in your shoes.Too overwhelming for me to comprehend.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace within yourself.
Wow Maryilyn, You must have nerves of steel. Honestly, I think I would have kissed my Mom goodbye and disappeared. Sorry, but with the amount of weight on your shoulders for a life threatening decision with your sister, plus your Moms final days to be dealth with, just can't imagine being in your shoes.Too overwhelming for me to comprehend.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace within yourself.
thanks just got home. Yes I deal with it by all the exercise. It really helps. I threw around weights heavy for over an hour today. Then went over to the nursing home. Mom is totally out of it, mumbles and just like a new born, sounds and just get over. Dad was not too bad to me today!!!
Funny I re-read my two posts and boy its sounds so bad almost like its bullcrap. However no, this is all true. Alot of my feeling especially about my dad and how he feels towards me are in my head. I dont know for sure if he feels like I am letting him down with my sister but I feel like he thinks what a selfish little as@h$le. I just cant help feel that way. I have no facts.
Looks its just gonna be crappy for alittle while, as far as my sister I have beend dealing with this for a long time. Lets hope she finds a kidney form someone/cadeadvor (dead body), I am not changing my mind. She can last a long time on dialysis so lets pray.
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For Marilyn aka stevemorse
