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Old 08-14-2009, 08:03 AM
 
Location: NJ
1,494 posts, read 3,098,630 times
Reputation: 917
Default Who feels stuck in NJ ? ( kind of a long post)

I have lived in West New york, Nj all my life (32 years) and I'm getting sick of it. I hate my job, I hate the building I live in, I hate the people in the area and I feel so stressed.

I feel like I am stuck in WNY though for a variety of reasons

1. I teach in Jersey City, but I haven't been able to land a job in the public schools there or any other town because I guess I don't have the right connections. I've been at my job 5 years and I absolutely hate my job and most coworkers ( i love the kids though) Even with a master's degree and experience I cant seem to find anything else. I had thought about relocating to Florida or somewhere else but it seems teaching jobs are being cut everywhere.

2. My husband is from England and he's had a hard time since he got here 3 years ago. Colleges and jobs wont except his British high school diploma so I've been helping him redo that online and now since the economy is not great he's having a difficult time finding a job. He did have one for 1.5 years , but it was threatening his life so he had to leave.

3. My father died a little less than 2 years ago and I've had a really difficult time with it because it was so sudden. Everything around town reminds me of him. WE also had to move back with my mother because she became very depressed after he died so now we live with my mother and my brother (at least the apt. is big enough). She is also somewhat disabled and doesn't work. It's difficult to move out because then I would have to foot the bill for everything since he can't find a job yet and relocating somewhere out of state would cost a lot more. My mother would probably also have to come with us. He also wants to go back to school which would take at least 4 years and we'd like to start a family one day but that all seems so far off. I'm already 32 and he's 42.

4. It is also difficult to leave from where we are because my father was the super and now we have taken that over. So we pay little rent which is good, but the downside is that we always have to be dealing with all the people in the building and their problems, clean ALL the time, and take out the garbage constantly because all these people that live here are like animals and have no respect for the building. So that is time consuming as well.


Sorry this is so long but I'm looking for someone that maybe can give me some advice of how to get out of this cycle. I don't know how to make the transition to a new area when I've only lived in one place. WHat could be my first step? SOmetimes I feel like I'm just going to be buried in WNY too. I want a new start. I love NJ because it has so much to do, the weather is great, and we are close to so many big cities, but everyone knows it's so expensive and seems to be getting worse. I don't know if moving to another part of NJ would help the situation or if I should just go across the country and start anew. Sometimes I just feel like buying a plane ticket to anywhere and stay there. FLorida was nice, but I don't know if I could handle that heat year round. I need to investigate other states as well. Have you felt stuck in NJ? How did you finally get out of your rut? or did just moving to another part of NJ make you feel better?

Last edited by Raven1976; 08-14-2009 at 09:03 AM..
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Old 08-14-2009, 08:57 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,508 posts, read 4,224,109 times
Reputation: 1393
Talking One chance

Wow. I just wanted to say that I feel bad for you. This is just my opinion (and prepare yourself for the harsh opinions to follow) but may I say, ever so gently, that you have only life. This is your life. One chance. Do you want to be happy? Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good husband. Start a family ! Of course! He's 42? Get to it girl!

IMO: There is nothing more sad than a woman who wants children that never had children.

I think it comes down to your Mother & brother & what to do with them. Can't they take care of each other? Are there any other family members to lend a hand? IMO: You should not be solely responsible for your Mother & brother.

You my friend, have a life to live. I have a little more info for you which I'll send to you in a DM.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:04 AM
 
27,356 posts, read 20,689,340 times
Reputation: 24705
Raven,

I don't think your problem is specifically New Jersey. You have way too much negativity to handle and you sound as if you are dealing with some depression or heading for it. I don't have an easy solution to your situation, but I can tell you that you DO need change of some kind in your life. I see that NewHomeHappy has offered to contact you, and I hope s/he has some info that will set you on a course for change. I agree, you have a life to live--you do need to take care of your own needs and dreams. Best of luck.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Montgomery County, PA
2,771 posts, read 3,680,148 times
Reputation: 594
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven1976 View Post
I have lived in West New york, Nj all my life (32 years) and I'm getting sick of it. I hate my job, I hate the building I live in, I hate the people in the area and I feel so stressed.

I feel like I am stuck in WNY though for a variety of reasons

1. I teach in Jersey City, but I haven't been able to land a job in the public schools there or any other town because I guess I don't have the right connections. I've been at my job 5 years and I absolutely hate my job and most coworkers ( i love the kids though) Even with a master's degree and experience I cant seem to find anything else. I had thought about relocating to Florida or somewhere else but it seems teaching jobs are being cut everywhere.

2. My husband is from England and he's had a hard time since he got here 3 years ago. Colleges and jobs wont except his British high school diploma so I've been helping him redo that online and now since the economy is not great he's having a difficult time finding a job. He did have one for 1.5 years , but it was threatening his life so he had to leave.

3. My father died a little less than 2 years ago and I've had a really difficult time with it because it was so sudden. Everything around town reminds me of him. WE also had to move back with my mother because she became very depressed after he died so now we live with my mother and my brother (at least the apt. is big enough). She is also somewhat disabled and doesn't work. It's difficult to move out because then I would have to foot the bill for everything since he can't find a job yet and relocating somewhere out of state would cost a lot more. My mother would probably also have to come with us. He also wants to go back to school which would take at least 4 years and we'd like to start a family one day but that all seems so far off. I'm already 32 and he's 42.

4. It is also difficult to leave from where we are because my father was the super and now we have taken that over. So we pay little rent which is good, but the downside is that we always have to be dealing with all the people in the building and their problems, clean ALL the time, and take out the garbage constantly because all these people that live here are like animals and have no respect for the building. So that is time consuming as well.


Sorry this is so long but I'm looking for someone that maybe can give me some advice of how to get out of this cycle. I don't know how to make the transition to a new area when I've only lived in one place. WHat could be my first step? SOmetimes I feel like I'm just going to be buried in WNY too. I want a new start. I love NJ because it has so much to do, the weather is great, and we are close to so many big cities, but everyone knows it's so expensive and seems to be getting worse. I don't know if moving to another part of NJ would help the situation or if I should just go across the country and start anew. Sometimes I just feel like buying a plane ticket to anywhere and stay there. FLorida was nice, but I don't know if I could handle that heat year round. I need to investigate other states as well. Have you felt stuck in NJ? How did you finally get out of your rut? or did just moving to another part of NJ make you feel better?
This reads like a case study in learned helplessness in general, the Seligman and Maier experiment in particular.

Learned helplessness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If you want to move, start actively looking for and applying to jobs that are out of state. Don't just show up somewhere else and expect a job to materialize though. Buying a plane ticket is just running away, which is the wrong approach (the problem is that one usually ends up running into exactly the same scenario that they hoped to run away from). You need to think about where you're running to.

You need to actively search for jobs that are located in other towns.

Also, your husband needs to work not just on basic qualifications but also on developing some marketable skills.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:16 AM
 
6 posts, read 13,878 times
Reputation: 12
New Home Happy, it sounds to me like you are suggesting that she have a child. I hope that I am wrong with that assumption. Anyway, Raven1976, you didn't really say but from what you wrote, it seems that your husband is the missing link here. There are jobs that are out there and sometimes we don't want to take these jobs but drastic times call for drastic measures. You will wind up old bitter and gray sticking around to take care of your loved ones. I know that it is hard but you have to learn how to help from afar. How can you properly help them if you can't even help yourself? You have a Master's which is good. Have you thought about Washington, DC or Upstate, NY? They seem to always need educators and also your husband might be able to find a job in the Federal Govt. Am I right to assume that you were born in 76'? If so, we are probably the same age. You want to think about places that are cheap to live that you can live in very easily. Since you are employed and barely pay and rent, I would start saving right away so you would not have to sacrifice a nice area to move to because of the lack of funds. Given the right area, good employment for your husband, decent savings, your degrees, and a big enough house, you might be able to move everyone, ie; mom and brother, into a house and live together happily ever after. Whew. Sorry so long.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Holmdel, NJ
17,386 posts, read 13,617,847 times
Reputation: 9980
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven1976 View Post
but I haven't been able to land a job in the public schools there or any other town because I guess I don't have the right connections.
most of "happiness" is modifying your own attitude. if you blame others for your problems and train yourself to hate the people you work with, then you are going to be miserable. you have to accept your situation for its positives and negatives and focus on the positives not the negatives. if you really want to move, then like elford said, you need to take legitimate steps in that direction, not hope for something else to magically materialize.

new jersey isnt my perfect place to live but there are enough positives that i can enjoy my life no matter what. even when i lived in brooklyn, a place i hate, i appreciated what i had. now that i live in nj, its a much better life.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:25 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,508 posts, read 4,224,109 times
Reputation: 1393
Talking Find what makes you Happy

Quote:
Originally Posted by allegany View Post
New Home Happy, it sounds to me like you are suggesting that she have a child. I hope that I am wrong with that assumption. .
I am suggesting that she seek what she wants.

RAVEN1976 wrote: "He also wants to go back to school which would take at least 4 years and we'd like to start a family one day but that all seems so far off. I'm already 32 and he's 42."

NEWHOMEHAPPY wrote: "IMO: There is nothing more sad than a woman who wants children that never had children. "
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Old 08-14-2009, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Edison NJ
1,847 posts, read 4,196,470 times
Reputation: 965
I found simply moving out of "the city" completely changed my outlook on things. We moved from Elizabeth to Edison 5 years ago. We were paying $1500/month for a decent 1 bedroom in Elizabeth. Went to a Large 2 bedroom with offstreet parking and a nice little "community" type place for $1300/month. It was a bit of shock at first (way too quiet) but eventually I got used to it. No more walking anywhere, need a car for everything, but there are huge super mega uber stores everywhere so shopping in easier and cheaper. Life in general just got a whole lot less stressfull being in sucha quiet nice place.

My point is, sometimes simply changing your immediate environment can change your whole outlook on things without having to leave NJ. Comute to JC from Edison is less than an hour.
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Old 08-14-2009, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Central, NJ
1,916 posts, read 2,830,644 times
Reputation: 1829
I don't think NJ is your problem. I might think about grief counseling since you said you are having a hard time getting over the death of your father. Something like that can really make you "stuck". If you can start to move past that you might have a clearer view of things around you. I can tell you that you will not be able to physically carry 4 people on your shoulders forever and NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ADD A 5TH IN THE FORM A HELPLESS CHILD. If you are forever having to be the strong one, counseling can help you see that you deserve some things for yourself.
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Old 08-14-2009, 11:01 AM
 
3,235 posts, read 6,077,928 times
Reputation: 1926
Sounds to me like all the pressure is on you. I know you have posted before about your husband but he needs to get (or at least make huge efforts to get) a job now. He is 42 and his days of full time college are over. Great if he wants to get a degree but it will be at night and the weekends. I am hoping that your husband does ALL of the super work in the apt. It's the least he can do. I also agree with some grief counseling over your father.
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