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Old 08-12-2010, 01:28 PM
 
29 posts, read 28,217 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by helloworld201 View Post
This is a philosophical question. "What is easy" and "what is right" are not mutually exclusive. Further, what is hard (i.e. gemini breaking up with his current girl and choosing the single life for now) is not necessarily right just because it is hard. This is beauty of our modern day freedoms: you have the right to choose a person according to your own values. If gemini or anyone else ranks their values and finds that companionship and having children at a younger age are more important than "true love" or passion, then they can find a woman to fulfill these things. Granted, I think everyone ranks passion somewhere on their list of values, but I assure you, it's not the #1 priority for everyone. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. In fact, I find that from personal experience, passion can indeed develop, and that most people who are looking for love at first sight or something approaching that, do not give the alternative a chance.
Very forthright and honest, Helloworld. I do indeed rank companionship and children, more important to me than passion (as powerful an emotion as it can be) at this stage in my life. I have had passion, many times in the past. None of those women are with me now though. I hope you are right that passion will eventually develop.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:38 PM
 
29 posts, read 28,217 times
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Originally Posted by SteveDr View Post
Interesting how you labeled yourself as "completely single", even though you have a girlfriend. It sounds like you have one foot out of this thing. And, that's encouraging because my whole point has been that you should be out completely. If you're not attracted to her and just feel she's good enough, let her go and she can get a head start on finding the guy she's meant to be with. She sounds like a decent person. Why make things tougher by stringing her along?

The potential parallelism in your personal situation is incredible. You were with someone for two years, and then she left you for someone else. It sounds like you're on a track to do the same thing to this woman you're dating now. You have said you're willing to stick it out for a year. Suppose, you meet someone better, someone who for whatever reason represents an upgrade over the current girlfriend. Well, you won't feel any qualms about dumping her - you were going to anyway when you reached your self-imposed time limit - and conveniently there is someone else waiting in the wings. So, in that case, you would have got what you wanted, while she gets nothing. That is just not cool.

Maybe, you should have a heart-to-heart talk with someone close to you and ask if there is something about you that they feel could be hindering your success in relationships. We are often unaware of things that are plain as day to other people. And, without being directly asked, someone in your life might just swallow the commentary instead of saying something, so you're not offended.

What I did not mention in earlier posts is that I was engaged to my college girlfriend, but the wedding never happened. We never even got to where we started to plan the wedding. So, here I was, alone at age 26 and wondering when I'd meet someone. My mother said to me for a while after that, "Maybe your special someone isn't ready for you to enter her life yet." Proof positive that listening to Mom is a good thing. At the time I was going through all that, my wife was engaged to someone else. That ended and she was depressed for a while then got the rebound relationship out of the way before she met me. So, when we met, the timing was good on both sides. Maybe that's the case with whomever you're meant to marry; she's going through something now making her life a mess, and it would be better for you to enter the picture later.

Sometimes, I think the terms that are used are not helpful. Don't think in terms of being a catch or a failure. In other words, why should there be a judgment in either direction. Just be yourself and find something in life that brings you genuine pleasure. Enjoy just hanging around with other people, getting to know them, and not worrying about where things will go. Along the way, you'll find some who are not "keepers". Oh, well, those can be let go. Have a few things going and don't lock in unless there's a strong connection. In the months before I met my wife, I was hanging out with a few women. None of them were "keepers", but I haven't spent any time mourning that in the past nine years.
I know that what I am doing to this girl is not right. I dont like doing that, but on the other hand, if I do develop feelings for her, then it could be so great for both of us. Feelings and relationships are transient. Even if she gave me joy today, I might not get joy from her in the future. 50% of marriages end in divorce--another of the 50% that don't, how many people are happy? People outgrow each other and change--sometimes they go in different directions. Other times, they grow together and I think, I hope I can grow together with this girl. We are both in finance, we both enjoy certain sports, our hometowns are in the same state, we both have the same idea of what we would like to see when we travel, enjoy the similar foods, we look good as a couple. Too bad I just dont love her...yet.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:45 PM
 
29 posts, read 28,217 times
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Originally Posted by queensgrl View Post
If you really want to know what happened, you should ask. You might learn something that never crossed your mind.



Honestly, a lot of guys in NYC are "catches." So, in a sea of amazing men, how is a woman to choose? What makes one stand out from the pack?



I'm not surprised that NYC has warped your sense of time. Are your family/friends, and people from your hometown marrying in their 20s?

Now, did they have the same career aspirations as you? The fact that you came to NYC tells me that maybe you wanted something different. People come to NYC to build careers and marriage is delayed. Add to that careers that require graduate school and subsequent training, and marriage doesn't hit the radar until age 35 sometimes. You need to let go of your preconceived notions of how things "should be."



You are married (no pun intended) to an idea and you'll probably continue to have anxiety and stress until you are able to come to terms with the fact that life isn't what you expected it to be at this point in time. This is about you and shouldn't involve someone else's life and emotions. I'm not completely clear on your status with the prospective girl. Are you just friends or are you actually dating her now? If you're still "just friends" maybe you could have a heart-to-heart with her about your feelings and let her decide if it's something she wants to pursue.
Its not a bad idea to ask, but even if I did, I dont think it was anything she can put her finger on. She just didn't feel it 100%. And then she met a guy who she did feel it with and realized that what me and her had was not quite there. She misses me, I know she does, but is very happy with the guy she is with now.

You are right, my career and aspirations have led me here. So I cannot totally complain--and I think I would still have my life over theirs. I am not regretting those decisions. In fact, I also have many single friends my age or older and most of my married friends dont yet have children. So it makes me realize that things are just different in my world. But that said, I dont want to end up like those older men who are single and unhappy (no matter how much they tell me they are happy, I dont believe them).

What you say about me being married to an idea---that is absolutely the problem. I know that when I get what I am dreaming of (wife and kids) it wont be as good as I imagine. Yet, its more important for me to have that than to have a great job or live in a nice apartment or any of the other material things that I used to think were so important to me.

I think this girl is growing on me. By the day, I am accepting the idea that we spend our life together and I become increasingly hopeful as I dream up new possibilities of our future together. Who knows...maybe this will end a happy story.
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Old 08-13-2010, 09:11 AM
 
79 posts, read 84,569 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gemini0606 View Post
I know that what I am doing to this girl is not right. I dont like doing that, but on the other hand, if I do develop feelings for her, then it could be so great for both of us. Feelings and relationships are transient. Even if she gave me joy today, I might not get joy from her in the future. 50% of marriages end in divorce--another of the 50% that don't, how many people are happy? People outgrow each other and change--sometimes they go in different directions. Other times, they grow together and I think, I hope I can grow together with this girl. We are both in finance, we both enjoy certain sports, our hometowns are in the same state, we both have the same idea of what we would like to see when we travel, enjoy the similar foods, we look good as a couple. Too bad I just dont love her...yet.
It is too bad. However, you may grow to love her. Or, you might not. We could continue to go around and around on all of this, and it won't make much difference. At the end of the day, we don't know which way this is going to go. In fact, she might even say to you one day, "Hey, Gem, it's been real." And, then, all of this is a moot point. You won't get to decide whether you want to marry her.

I can't remember what dating book I found this in, but I always remembered the following formula: 80% + spark = AOK. In other words, if a dating partner has 80 percent of the qualities you are seeking, and if there is a spark between you, stay in and see where it goes. Maybe she has the 80 percent, but there doesn't seem to be a spark. You said you didn't find her attractive. Yet, you also said you look good as a couple. On the surface, that might sound crazy, but I can actually understand it. I know of someone whom I'd look good with, but I don't feel a spark at all, and can't ever foresee any chemistry being there. That's no loss because I'm happy with the partner I have.

In any case, I know I'm picking things apart, but I hope you see that I'm honestly trying to help you. This is a rough analogy, but bear with me; your situation reminds me of sports teams that look good on paper, but don't get it done on the field. In theory (or on paper), this woman has the qualities you would want in a partner, and you feel you should fall in love with her, but in real life (on the field) it's not happening.

I don't know where you are in this self-imposed one-year timeframe. I'd give this some more time, but not much more. I personally think it would feel empty to marry someone who was little more than a companionate friend to me. That's fine if you're in your 70s, I guess. But, you're still fairly young. THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME!
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Old 08-14-2010, 04:26 PM
Status: "RIP Lucky. You were a great cat." (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: NYC
2,109 posts, read 2,488,531 times
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Well, Gemini, I wish you all the best with your situation. This whole thread has put me into a time warp and I need make the leap back home. But before I go, I'll leave you with one last thought, well, actually an old song that was a favorite of my mom's, and that I've probably heard thousands of times but never paid attention to until yesterday, when the song popped into my mind (isn't that ironic). What's it all about, Alfie? (link to video). Even if the lyrics don't speak to you the way they did to me, it's a wonderful classic. Enjoy and peace out.

Last edited by queensgrl; 08-14-2010 at 04:45 PM..
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:47 AM
 
29 posts, read 28,217 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveDr View Post
It is too bad. However, you may grow to love her. Or, you might not. We could continue to go around and around on all of this, and it won't make much difference. At the end of the day, we don't know which way this is going to go. In fact, she might even say to you one day, "Hey, Gem, it's been real." And, then, all of this is a moot point. You won't get to decide whether you want to marry her.

I can't remember what dating book I found this in, but I always remembered the following formula: 80% + spark = AOK. In other words, if a dating partner has 80 percent of the qualities you are seeking, and if there is a spark between you, stay in and see where it goes. Maybe she has the 80 percent, but there doesn't seem to be a spark. You said you didn't find her attractive. Yet, you also said you look good as a couple. On the surface, that might sound crazy, but I can actually understand it. I know of someone whom I'd look good with, but I don't feel a spark at all, and can't ever foresee any chemistry being there. That's no loss because I'm happy with the partner I have.

In any case, I know I'm picking things apart, but I hope you see that I'm honestly trying to help you. This is a rough analogy, but bear with me; your situation reminds me of sports teams that look good on paper, but don't get it done on the field. In theory (or on paper), this woman has the qualities you would want in a partner, and you feel you should fall in love with her, but in real life (on the field) it's not happening.

I don't know where you are in this self-imposed one-year timeframe. I'd give this some more time, but not much more. I personally think it would feel empty to marry someone who was little more than a companionate friend to me. That's fine if you're in your 70s, I guess. But, you're still fairly young. THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME!
Yes, I can definately see that you have been trying to help me and I soooo appreciate everything everyone has said to me. It has really pushed me away from the brink (I was so stressed about this for awhile, that I wasn't sleeping much). I am still feeling anxiety but less so. I think you are basically spot on about most of what you say and you have shown great resspect for my thoughts and decisions---I could never speak this openly outside of this forum. I am just starting this one-year time limit. I will update people every few months on how its going, because I think what I am writing about probably affects other people and they may also be interested in knowing how this plays out. Your analogy is right and I like the 80% + Spark = AOK formula. I believe in it. I dont yet have the spark.

Thanks again.
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:51 AM
 
29 posts, read 28,217 times
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Originally Posted by queensgrl View Post
Well, Gemini, I wish you all the best with your situation. This whole thread has put me into a time warp and I need make the leap back home. But before I go, I'll leave you with one last thought, well, actually an old song that was a favorite of my mom's, and that I've probably heard thousands of times but never paid attention to until yesterday, when the song popped into my mind (isn't that ironic). What's it all about,
Alfie? (link to video)
. Even if the lyrics don't speak to you the way they did to me, it's a wonderful classic. Enjoy and peace out.
Thanks Queensgrl. I appreciate all your help. I can see that we two have different priorities and it helps to realize that the priorities the I setup for mysef may not always lead me to happiness. However, my priority for children and companionship as I grow into middle-age is more important to me than to fall in love.

Who knows, maybe I will get all that and you will see me on here in 5 yrs, being the male version of Eat, Pray, Love. Who knows. But for know, I want a family.

Thanks again for all your help and your time. It really has been very helpful.
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