Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This thread is getting more and more interesting it sounds to me that you're preparing a long-term project and already have concrete ideas about it. However, I wish you shared with us what your g/f thinks about all of this. (about your project, that is).
Anyway, I agree that a couple can GROW to love each other. Especially if by 'love' you mean 'companionship', 'mutual respect', and some sort of a roommate agreement. My parents, for instance, weren't in love with each other when they married. My mom was brought up in a very conservative environment and she basically married to spite her own mom. She suffered a lot for years to come, but towards the 20th year of their marriage, she started falling in love with my dad, I guess. She kept telling herself nice things about him and kept focusing on the positive. I stopped bashing about him.....and eventually she succeeded. My dad, too, changed a lot after the 20th year. He became more gentle towards her, more patient. Essentially, they became emotionally attached to each other.
However, my parents are not American. I think in the US, the divorce rate is so high because divorce is more accepted here compared to other cultures. So, I don't know how my parents' love story can fit with American culture. That's something I cannot tell you.
despite all of the medical claims about women over certain ages having troublesome pregnancies, the majority of women I know had their first and subsequent children after age 35 and some even at 40 and beyond. just my opinion, there comes a point when if you have not found a husband or had children that you relax and just take in life as it comes. between 35-40, many women are at the peak of their careers, which isn't a bad time to step away and start a family. personally, i would not have wanted children while i was fast-tracking in my career. i wouldn't have had the time or the patience to give what i think is needed to raise children properly.
It all comes down to choosing between what I want and what's expected of me. I find that people rush marriage and children because they think it's what they're supposed to do by a certain age. i prefer not to live my life by an alarm clock. whatever will be will be. while i will never give birth to a child, nor have i been married, i don't see myself as a failure at all. and, my life isn't over yet so i have no idea what's in store. i couldn't have planned the last ten years if i'd tried. they were a welcome surprise.
Thank you! I guess thats the sort of validation that I was hoping to hear more of. There is a great article here (Marry Him! - Magazine - The Atlantic) about a woman who is trying to raise a child on her own and thinks that its better to settle for Mr. Good-enough than to try to go at it alone.
But what is most heartening about your post is that you are now in love. And I believe that you are right--me and this girl have many of the same common goals and interests. I think I would learn to love her--not in the passionate (but transient) way, but in a deeper, longer lasting way. The girls that I have loved passionately, I knew (at least my rational brain knew) that they would not be ideal as a long-term life partner. And none of those relationships worked out for various reasons. So maybe now its time to do this. To try this. And to eventually fall in love, instead of be swept off my feet love.
I read an online excerpt of the book that PsychDoc mentioned above. It looks really interesting, and I may track the book down. Maybe I'll find something that will help my single friends who are always openly wondering when they'll find Ms. Right.
One of them will turn 40 this October. He has never been married. From time to time, he has gone on dates, but never seemed to have any lasting relationships. He's a great guy (nice person, good family values, spiritual, good job, decent-looking) but he's painfully shy. He often seems reluctant to leave the house, unless it's for a planned activity like a family gathering or a barbecue at my house.
As I always say, he's not going to meet Ms. Right by staying home all summer and watching the YES channel. In that case, his only hope of meeting someone would be if the woman of his dreams happens upon his house in the course of her work as a letter carrier, census taker, or cable TV installer.
Now, this is not the problem gemini has. My larger point is that, sometimes, there is something we're doing (that we may not be aware of) which is holding back progress in building relationships.
I know you were happy to receive validation from another poster, but I don't always think it's helpful to be told what you want to hear. While I appreciate the perspectives that other people shared, my feeling is that you will take what they posted and use that to justify your staying in this relationship. And, nothing will change.
The question is: do you want to do what is easy, or do you want to do what is right? In your case, it would be easier to keep this relationship going, rather than go your separate ways. Breaking up now would be harder in the short-term, but I really believe it would be better in the long-term for both of you.
It would even be better to take a break altogether from relationships for some specified period of time - and clear your head - than it would be to continue dating this woman. How would you feel if she were to read your posts here and know they were coming from you?
YOU ARE NOT CLOSELY APPROACHING 40, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PHYSICALLY GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD. YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME! Just use it wisely.
What I find self-defeating is that we have these (usually arbitrary) time tables of when we think stuff should happen. During my early adulthood, I never imagined that I'd be the father of a one-year old at age 37. I thought that would have happened much sooner. You know what? I have much more maturity and perspective to be a good parent at age 37 than I would have at 27. When I was a college student, I thought it would be some great failure to not be married at 30. Guess what? I wasn't married as a 30-year-old and somehow I survived. You change so much in your 20s anyway that it wouldn't have been the right time for me.
This thread is getting more and more interesting it sounds to me that you're preparing a long-term project and already have concrete ideas about it. However, I wish you shared with us what your g/f thinks about all of this. (about your project, that is).
Anyway, I agree that a couple can GROW to love each other. Especially if by 'love' you mean 'companionship', 'mutual respect', and some sort of a roommate agreement. My parents, for instance, weren't in love with each other when they married. My mom was brought up in a very conservative environment and she basically married to spite her own mom. She suffered a lot for years to come, but towards the 20th year of their marriage, she started falling in love with my dad, I guess. She kept telling herself nice things about him and kept focusing on the positive. I stopped bashing about him.....and eventually she succeeded. My dad, too, changed a lot after the 20th year. He became more gentle towards her, more patient. Essentially, they became emotionally attached to each other.
However, my parents are not American. I think in the US, the divorce rate is so high because divorce is more accepted here compared to other cultures. So, I don't know how my parents' love story can fit with American culture. That's something I cannot tell you.
Yeah, I guess in some ways it is a project--I guess when you put it that way, it trivializes the institution of marriage. Which admittedly, it becoming less meaningful by the day. Your parents situation is not exactly what I was hoping for--I was hoping it would happen before year 20, but as long as we have children, I will be happy. And its not as if I dont like the girl--I do. I enjoy spending time with her; I dont think I would be miserable, but maybe just not as happy I could be with someone else.
despite all of the medical claims about women over certain ages having troublesome pregnancies, the majority of women I know had their first and subsequent children after age 35 and some even at 40 and beyond. just my opinion, there comes a point when if you have not found a husband or had children that you relax and just take in life as it comes. between 35-40, many women are at the peak of their careers, which isn't a bad time to step away and start a family. personally, i would not have wanted children while i was fast-tracking in my career. i wouldn't have had the time or the patience to give what i think is needed to raise children properly.
It all comes down to choosing between what I want and what's expected of me. I find that people rush marriage and children because they think it's what they're supposed to do by a certain age. i prefer not to live my life by an alarm clock. whatever will be will be. while i will never give birth to a child, nor have i been married, i don't see myself as a failure at all. and, my life isn't over yet so i have no idea what's in store. i couldn't have planned the last ten years if i'd tried. they were a welcome surprise.
Queengrl--it is very important to know what you want. We each define failure and success differently. I would not consider myself a failure if I am not married or have children nor would I consider anyone else a failure. I look at my friends who are in their 40s and single and think thats just the life they chose (or that chose them). However, I just really WANT children. Maybe its a paternal instinct in me. I am sure that some people rush marriage and having children and are miserable. But I am also sure that an equal number of people who do that are probably very happy that they did. I agree the alarm clocks are less meaningful than they used to be, since we are all living longer, but if you want a family and children, there is a still a deadline (though it may be later than it once was).
I read an online excerpt of the book that PsychDoc mentioned above. It looks really interesting, and I may track the book down. Maybe I'll find something that will help my single friends who are always openly wondering when they'll find Ms. Right.
One of them will turn 40 this October. He has never been married. From time to time, he has gone on dates, but never seemed to have any lasting relationships. He's a great guy (nice person, good family values, spiritual, good job, decent-looking) but he's painfully shy. He often seems reluctant to leave the house, unless it's for a planned activity like a family gathering or a barbecue at my house.
As I always say, he's not going to meet Ms. Right by staying home all summer and watching the YES channel. In that case, his only hope of meeting someone would be if the woman of his dreams happens upon his house in the course of her work as a letter carrier, census taker, or cable TV installer.
Now, this is not the problem gemini has. My larger point is that, sometimes, there is something we're doing (that we may not be aware of) which is holding back progress in building relationships.
I know you were happy to receive validation from another poster, but I don't always think it's helpful to be told what you want to hear. While I appreciate the perspectives that other people shared, my feeling is that you will take what they posted and use that to justify your staying in this relationship. And, nothing will change.
The question is: do you want to do what is easy, or do you want to do what is right? In your case, it would be easier to keep this relationship going, rather than go your separate ways. Breaking up now would be harder in the short-term, but I really believe it would be better in the long-term for both of you.
It would even be better to take a break altogether from relationships for some specified period of time - and clear your head - than it would be to continue dating this woman. How would you feel if she were to read your posts here and know they were coming from you?
YOU ARE NOT CLOSELY APPROACHING 40, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PHYSICALLY GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD. YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME! Just use it wisely.
What I find self-defeating is that we have these (usually arbitrary) time tables of when we think stuff should happen. During my early adulthood, I never imagined that I'd be the father of a one-year old at age 37. I thought that would have happened much sooner. You know what? I have much more maturity and perspective to be a good parent at age 37 than I would have at 27. When I was a college student, I thought it would be some great failure to not be married at 30. Guess what? I wasn't married as a 30-year-old and somehow I survived. You change so much in your 20s anyway that it wouldn't have been the right time for me.
Steve, you make many valid points here. I am trying very hard to be honest with myself and not delude myself. I wish someone would tell me if I was doing something wrong that was holding back relationships. A girl I had been dating for two years broke up with me a few months ago. She left me for another man. That sounds bad, but the truth is that she was never fully comfortable in the relationship and I never knew why. It was not a surprise she left me.
I keep telling myself that I have plenty of time and that things are not as bleak as they seem. And thats the only time that I think maybe I can let this girl go and find another--because then the timing doesn't feel so desperate. But I cant help stressing about it and feeling anxiety. They say that 90% of American men eventually marry and I should take comfort in that number. I feel that I am a "catch" but for some reason, its just hasnt happened for me yet. Again, its not about being a failure. When I was 20, I thought I would get married by 28,29 and have kids at 32,33. That timing seemed right to me back then. But being in this city has warped my sense of time and now I find myself 33 and completely single. If I were in a relationship going in that direction, I wouldnt be so stressed...but completely single! That is stressing me out.
The question is: do you want to do what is easy, or do you want to do what is right? In your case, it would be easier to keep this relationship going, rather than go your separate ways. Breaking up now would be harder in the short-term, but I really believe it would be better in the long-term for both of you.
This is a philosophical question. "What is easy" and "what is right" are not mutually exclusive. Further, what is hard (i.e. gemini breaking up with his current girl and choosing the single life for now) is not necessarily right just because it is hard. This is beauty of our modern day freedoms: you have the right to choose a person according to your own values. If gemini or anyone else ranks their values and finds that companionship and having children at a younger age are more important than "true love" or passion, then they can find a woman to fulfill these things. Granted, I think everyone ranks passion somewhere on their list of values, but I assure you, it's not the #1 priority for everyone. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. In fact, I find that from personal experience, passion can indeed develop, and that most people who are looking for love at first sight or something approaching that, do not give the alternative a chance.
Steve, you make many valid points here. I am trying very hard to be honest with myself and not delude myself. I wish someone would tell me if I was doing something wrong that was holding back relationships. A girl I had been dating for two years broke up with me a few months ago. She left me for another man. That sounds bad, but the truth is that she was never fully comfortable in the relationship and I never knew why. It was not a surprise she left me.
I keep telling myself that I have plenty of time and that things are not as bleak as they seem. And thats the only time that I think maybe I can let this girl go and find another--because then the timing doesn't feel so desperate. But I cant help stressing about it and feeling anxiety. They say that 90% of American men eventually marry and I should take comfort in that number. I feel that I am a "catch" but for some reason, its just hasnt happened for me yet. Again, its not about being a failure. When I was 20, I thought I would get married by 28,29 and have kids at 32,33. That timing seemed right to me back then. But being in this city has warped my sense of time and now I find myself 33 and completely single. If I were in a relationship going in that direction, I wouldnt be so stressed...but completely single! That is stressing me out.
Interesting how you labeled yourself as "completely single", even though you have a girlfriend. It sounds like you have one foot out of this thing. And, that's encouraging because my whole point has been that you should be out completely. If you're not attracted to her and just feel she's good enough, let her go and she can get a head start on finding the guy she's meant to be with. She sounds like a decent person. Why make things tougher by stringing her along?
The potential parallelism in your personal situation is incredible. You were with someone for two years, and then she left you for someone else. It sounds like you're on a track to do the same thing to this woman you're dating now. You have said you're willing to stick it out for a year. Suppose, you meet someone better, someone who for whatever reason represents an upgrade over the current girlfriend. Well, you won't feel any qualms about dumping her - you were going to anyway when you reached your self-imposed time limit - and conveniently there is someone else waiting in the wings. So, in that case, you would have got what you wanted, while she gets nothing. That is just not cool.
Maybe, you should have a heart-to-heart talk with someone close to you and ask if there is something about you that they feel could be hindering your success in relationships. We are often unaware of things that are plain as day to other people. And, without being directly asked, someone in your life might just swallow the commentary instead of saying something, so you're not offended.
What I did not mention in earlier posts is that I was engaged to my college girlfriend, but the wedding never happened. We never even got to where we started to plan the wedding. So, here I was, alone at age 26 and wondering when I'd meet someone. My mother said to me for a while after that, "Maybe your special someone isn't ready for you to enter her life yet." Proof positive that listening to Mom is a good thing. At the time I was going through all that, my wife was engaged to someone else. That ended and she was depressed for a while then got the rebound relationship out of the way before she met me. So, when we met, the timing was good on both sides. Maybe that's the case with whomever you're meant to marry; she's going through something now making her life a mess, and it would be better for you to enter the picture later.
Sometimes, I think the terms that are used are not helpful. Don't think in terms of being a catch or a failure. In other words, why should there be a judgment in either direction. Just be yourself and find something in life that brings you genuine pleasure. Enjoy just hanging around with other people, getting to know them, and not worrying about where things will go. Along the way, you'll find some who are not "keepers". Oh, well, those can be let go. Have a few things going and don't lock in unless there's a strong connection. In the months before I met my wife, I was hanging out with a few women. None of them were "keepers", but I haven't spent any time mourning that in the past nine years.
I wish someone would tell me if I was doing something wrong that was holding back relationships. A girl I had been dating for two years broke up with me a few months ago. She left me for another man. That sounds bad, but the truth is that she was never fully comfortable in the relationship and I never knew why.
If you really want to know what happened, you should ask. You might learn something that never crossed your mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gemini0606
I feel that I am a "catch" but for some reason, its just hasnt happened for me yet.
Honestly, a lot of guys in NYC are "catches." So, in a sea of amazing men, how is a woman to choose? What makes one stand out from the pack?
Quote:
Originally Posted by gemini0606
I keep telling myself that I have plenty of time and that things are not as bleak as they seem. And that's the only time that I think maybe I can let this girl go and find another--because then the timing doesn't feel so desperate. But I can't help stressing about it and feeling anxiety ... When I was 20, I thought I would get married by 28, 29 and have kids at 32, 33. That timing seemed right to me back then. But being in this city has warped my sense of time.
I'm not surprised that NYC has warped your sense of time. Are your family/friends, and people from your hometown marrying in their 20s?
Now, did they have the same career aspirations as you? The fact that you came to NYC tells me that maybe you wanted something different. People come to NYC to build careers and marriage is delayed. Add to that careers that require graduate school and subsequent training, and marriage doesn't hit the radar until age 35 sometimes. You need to let go of your preconceived notions of how things "should be."
Quote:
Originally Posted by gemini0606
... now I find myself 33 and completely single. If I were in a relationship going in that direction, I wouldnt be so stressed...but completely single! That is stressing me out.
You are married (no pun intended) to an idea and you'll probably continue to have anxiety and stress until you are able to come to terms with the fact that life isn't what you expected it to be at this point in time. This is about you and shouldn't involve someone else's life and emotions. I'm not completely clear on your status with the prospective girl. Are you just friends or are you actually dating her now? If you're still "just friends" maybe you could have a heart-to-heart with her about your feelings and let her decide if it's something she wants to pursue.
Last edited by queensgrl; 08-11-2010 at 01:48 PM..
Reason: clarification
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
it sounds to me that you're preparing a long-term project and already have concrete ideas about it. However, I wish you shared with us what your g/f thinks about all of this. (about your project, that is).
