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Old 01-18-2009, 10:08 AM
 
12,115 posts, read 33,615,716 times
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i think that i spend a lot of time dreaming about romance and 'the ultimate fusion relationship" maybe I'm projecting these onto women and saying that the women are thinking these things when it's actually me who is thinking them .

i do agree with what you say though

 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:08 AM
 
3,225 posts, read 8,557,188 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlrl View Post
the way I feel today I think i mean in terms of not being able to live up to their ideal image of provider, lover

emotionally intellectually and spiritually i probably can

i've been told i'm overly sensitive at times but interpersonal relationships just never came easy to me
rl, you need to cast a wide net as women can ideed be as varied as men are. In romance, love, marriage, there'll be compromises and give and take - and I don't mean "settling" for someone just to get that relationship going. I doubt that there are any 100% compatible couples out there.

Someone may see you as a good provider even if they earn more than you do because she is so spellbound by some conspicuously wonderful characteristic that you may have - a fine quality that you don't even realize is outstanding and that someone else places a premium on.

Cast that net wide, I mean enlarge the dating pool potential, join a club, go for a coffee, a drink, family and social get togethers. Don't sell yourself short. You have a stable resume, having held down an important job in mental health for a good many years. You're sensitive, you're not out to score in three attempts. Many women will love your background and sensitivity.
 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:11 AM
 
456 posts, read 1,394,391 times
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This scene from the movie Hitch cracks me up. I'm not advocating that we do violence to the hit it and quit it club members, but this scene does show the differences between, shall we say, deeper dating v. hit it and quit it. The irony of the film is that the main character Hitch, played by Will Smith, knows intellectually what deeper dating, romance, and relationships are about but he has a lot to learn about living it. Yepper... Sigh. Especially in a city where this is now considered strange or old-fashioned.

Check it out:

YouTube - hitch part 4
 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:20 AM
 
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rlrl, I have to agree with Miles here. I am one of those women who is not interested in what a man can "do" for me. I am self-supporting. I want a love partner who is sensitive and yet who is strong enough on the inside to be himself, to be honest with me. I know that there are women out there who would think that this is crazy, but please do not discount those of us who not interested in what you can do for us materially. Mutual respect, support, companionship, attraction (meaning being drawn to one another), communication, perspective, etc. Now, imo, that's the stuff, and it does exist.
 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:34 AM
 
12,115 posts, read 33,615,716 times
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Default I'm not

discounting the self sufficient ones. perhaps I'm just entertaining too many thoughts of being with someone in their 20's and that gets me into trouble!!
 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:46 AM
 
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Ahh... Thank you, rlrl. Great insight.

Being financially self-sufficient, btw, does not mean not needing anyone. No one is an island unto him- or herself, I sincerely believe. We need each other to learn to love, truly love, and to grow.

It's so interesting. When I first came to NYC, I think was highly addicted to caretaking, which meant that I was almost never without a relationship or a date. There are many men here who want a woman to take care of them. When I outgrew that tendency, my dating life dwindled. I am still a very, very caring person; but nowadays I prefer more mature relationships in which both people are equal partners, in which both people know how to strike a balance between being responsible for themselves and being responsible to each other. Hmmm...
 
Old 01-18-2009, 11:04 AM
 
12,115 posts, read 33,615,716 times
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Default well

it's strange but when I was in my 20's it seemed that other people got in my way of achieving my goals with too much alcohol in school or friends who were difficult and hurtful. But when i gave those up i started to move ahead with my life and independence. Trouble is i got isolated in the process and sunk progressively into an all work/no play routine. I figured, all that matters is that i have a job and a roof over my head, and that other people seemed to injerfere with that in some major way

If I had to take a good hard look at myself I might imagine that in addition to the fact that I rarely if ever go out anymore, it could be that I just come across to others as dull with no emotional range. It's been hinted to me in therapy as well. Well, maybe initially it's true but as one got to know me it would change but as of now my motivation is still very low and i find it very hard to change. You guys have no idea how hard it is

As for girls in their 20's, the ones who flirt (and believe it or not they actually flirt with ME from time to time) I know are just looking for a meal ticket and I know they're not for me.
 
Old 01-18-2009, 11:08 AM
 
12,115 posts, read 33,615,716 times
Reputation: 3865
Default I'm definitely

not the type who expects someone to take care of me--been on my own too long for that. Some women might see me as a mama's boy because I'm soft spoken and not macho and may misinterpret that to mean they have to take care of me but believe me it's not so
 
Old 01-18-2009, 02:19 PM
Riv
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlrl View Post
I'm 47, straight as an arrow but just feel that there is nothing i can be or do that can satisfy a potential partner. i've never been married and I doubt i ever will
You are one of the many victims of this anti marriage/pro casual dating culture of todays urban trendy fools who follow the rules set down by nihilistic grown up children. You and we are all crying out for a return to a marriage culture where people looked for reasons TO marry someone instead of looking for reasons NOT to marry someone.

Women would be much easier to please if they stopped looking for the perfection (which the perpetual dating game promises but never can deliver) and started looking for the reality of a human and imperfect man which marriage will give them.

People have to be satisfied with their mates instead of thinking that there's somebody better out there. Nobody is perfect, faults and good points will be found in anyone. Love the one you are with, concentrate on their good points, focus on your compatibilities with them and learn to enjoy new things that they like doing. See the glass as half full instead of half empty and value your mate.

Accept your mate for who she or he is instead of trying to change them and take pride in, love them for what they are.

These are the ways to make marriage work.
 
Old 01-18-2009, 06:43 PM
 
3,225 posts, read 8,557,188 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlrl View Post
discounting the self sufficient ones. perhaps I'm just entertaining too many thoughts of being with someone in their 20's and that gets me into trouble!!
rl, I'm not being judgmental in asking this - as we're all entitled to have a profile of that person who will sweep us off our feet and be the one to put us on cloud nine - are you seeking only women in their twenties?
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