Cousin issues advice needed (brother, reunion, personalities, wife)

[Obrero]

"Matt" - honestly you sound very needy and slightly annoying. I mean that in the best possible way. No two men (cousins or not) should "have" to call each other every week. Give him a break...he is busy with a job, wife and two kids. Send an email every now and then and let that be enough.

[miu]

Originally Posted by dhammerman2003

I actually can't call the nursing home as they don't accept long distant calls especially those that are out of state believe me I've asked and they have given me the run around.

My family does have a history of alcoholism and luckily I'm not following in that foot steps. The problem is not that my cousin drinks (socially) but he is a workaholic while his wife is the alcoholic.

Because of the fact that my family has a history of alcoholism the chances for me to do it increases as it's hereditary. In my cousins case he has the same chances that I do but he drinks socially and doesn't get to the point of being drunk. However his wife does and based on what I've observed I'm assuming that her family has the same history as ours if that is the case then my cousin's kids have a greater chance then I do.

Unfortunately not only do I want friends to be close to me but I also would like my cousin to be closer to me. Should something happen to him you can bet that I would be there for him as his wife can't do anything as she has no job, no high school diploma, no G.E.D, or even a driver's license!

Now can you see why I would like to be closer to my cousin and his family. It's because I don't want to see the kids going down the same path that I've seen and been through while growing up!

It breaks my heart whenever I here something bad especially with the kids and it makes me want to go down there and fix it. I'm not sure why but it does.

Perhaps your poor opinion of his wife is obvious to them, and that's part of the reason why they are avoiding you.

And what would you be talking about with your cousin once a week? What do you do every week that is going to be of such interest to your cousin to listen to you talk about? Do you have any interests in common besides being cousins? Do you like the same sports? If you weren't at all related to him and you lived in the same town, would you actually be good friends?

Somehow, I feel that without the blood bond you share, you and your cousin have nothing at all in common. And because of that, you are just going to have to go slowly with developing a closeness.

And again, men do NOT tend to chat on the phone with their blood relatives once a week. They just don't. And this observation comes from what I know of my male family members, my male friends and my boyfriends, past and present. So stop being a whiny needy girl about this.

[dhammerman2003]

Originally Posted by Obrero

"Matt" - honestly you sound very needy and slightly annoying. I mean that in the best possible way. No two men (cousins or not) should "have" to call each other every week. Give him a break...he is busy with a job, wife and two kids. Send an email every now and then and let that be enough.

What about calling every other week or even once a month and speaking to the whole family? Sending him an email that I won't get a response to for 3 weeks isn't the norms now a days to get back to someone in an email. The norms for responding back to someone in an email is usually 24-48hrs if not a week at most but nothing more than a week.

Originally Posted by miu

Perhaps your poor opinion of his wife is obvious to them, and that's part of the reason why they are avoiding you.

It's not obvious to them as I haven't told them what I think of her.

And what would you be talking about with your cousin once a week? What do you do every week that is going to be of such interest to your cousin to listen to you talk about? Do you have any interests in common besides being cousins? Do you like the same sports? If you weren't at all related to him and you lived in the same town, would you actually be good friends?

We would talk about his kids, sports, how my dad is doing, etc. If we lived in the same town yeah we would be friends and probably hang out but not everyday or anything perhaps once a week at the most.

Somehow, I feel that without the blood bond you share, you and your cousin have nothing at all in common. And because of that, you are just going to have to go slowly with developing a closeness.

We are only children, parents divorcing, love being outdoors, fishing, hiking, camping, watching movies, etc.

And again, men do NOT tend to chat on the phone with their blood relatives once a week. They just don't. And this observation comes from what I know of my male family members, my male friends and my boyfriends, past and present.

So then why do my male friends talk to their relatives everyday if not more than that?

So stop being a whiny needy girl about this.

Whiny little girl sorry I'm just trying to figure things out. I mean I am going down to see him in 2 months and hopefully when I go down there we'll have a relationship that we never had growing up.

[miu]

Originally Posted by dhammerman2003

What about calling every other week or even once a month and speaking to the whole family? Sending him an email that I won't get a response to for 3 weeks isn't the norms now a days to get back to someone in an email. The norms for responding back to someone in an email is usually 24-48hrs if not a week at most but nothing more than a week.

Obviously, at this point in time, your cousin just isn't that into having a close relationship with you. And the more you pester him with emails and calls, the more they will stop replying to your emails and picking up the phone when you call them up.

It's not obvious to them as I haven't told them what I think of her.

Just because you haven't spoken about your displeasure of her, doesn't mean that they can't tell you don't like her. Most people don't have that perfect "poker face" where they can control their facial expressions and body language completely. Just watch that tv show "Lie To Me".

We would talk about his kids, sports, how my dad is doing, etc. If we lived in the same town yeah we would be friends and probably hang out but not everyday or anything perhaps once a week at the most.

We are only children, parents divorcing, love being outdoors, fishing, hiking, camping, watching movies, etc.

Your cousin just isn't ready to be that close to you yet. You weren't around before, so the habit isn't there that he wants to talk to you frequently like a best friend.

So then why do my male friends talk to their relatives everyday if not more than that?

Maybe because they grew up in close quarters with their relatives. Frequent family gatherings and events.

Whiny little girl sorry I'm just trying to figure things out. I mean I am going down to see him in 2 months and hopefully when I go down there we'll have a relationship that we never had growing up.

I think that you should stop with the emails and phone calls until just before you visit them. Ask if you can bring them anything from around where you live. Then visit them and hopefully your cousin truly enjoys your company. You need more in person time with him to facilitate forming a close family bond with him.

He is married and with two kids. His life is already completely full and busy without you. Again, if you were married and with two kids, you would understand this. But you are single and have more time on your hands to be lonely.

Plus there is a ten year difference between the two of you. He may see you as more of a "kid" with not enough in common attitude to talk about. Once you are married and with kids, you probably will grow closer.

[johnnytang24]

Originally Posted by dhammerman2003

What about calling every other week or even once a month and speaking to the whole family? Sending him an email that I won't get a response to for 3 weeks isn't the norms now a days to get back to someone in an email. The norms for responding back to someone in an email is usually 24-48hrs if not a week at most but nothing more than a week.

\

You keep referencing this 24-48 hour window. Where does it come from? No, 'I was always taught', is not a source.

Here's a snippet from Miss Manners' column about always answering the phone:

However, none of this addresses the serious underlying issue, which is that your friend expects you to live at his beck and call, as it were. Only the parents of young children have a right to ask that.

[johnnytang24]

Originally Posted by dhammerman2003

my teachers in school taught us everything is about YOU when it comes to finding a job, relationships, and life.

Assuming everyone is this selfish, including your cousin, what does he get out of your relationship? So far, he's got the responsibility of caring for YOUR father, which I assume he's not getting financially reimbursed for. He's got a nagging cousin who he DOES NOT NEED. So far, no benefit to him.

What do you have to offer him, since his world revolves around him?

[STT Resident]

I have just read this whole thread and it's rarely that I've seen someone such as the OP whose thought processes are so incredibly jumbled and who seriously needs some professional guidance. What a totally bizarre mindset to be saddled with. My initial thought was that he was purely and utterly selfish but as he continually repeats the same mantras over and over again his dilemna over his cousin's inability to cater to him in the way he thinks is "right" comes across as downright obsessive.

Originally Posted by dhammerman2003

I actually can't call the nursing home as they don't accept long distant calls especially those that are out of state believe me I've asked and they have given me the run around.

What do you mean they don't ACCEPT long distance calls? Are you trying to call collect or do you mean that patients can't receive calls? Either way it sounds most unusual that a son wouldn't be able to check on his father from out of state ...

Your single mindedness about what is "right" is going to make your life rather difficult. Instead of arguing with the majority of responders maybe you should sit back and start listening instead of repeating the same old arguments and "facts" over and over. Good luck.

[Slanderous]

I think it's time to get out there and meet some new people. Yes, school and work come first, but you won't be doing those all the time. Everyone needs balance in their lives and having friends you can talk to/hang out with might help with some of your issues.

I have relatives I haven't talked to in a really long time. When I visit them things will be fine, but it's basically known that we won't talk very often. Sometimes close relationships with family members and others aren't meant to be. You did say you haven't really been close to your cousin, so it's hard to expect him to just start being closer with you now.

Go out and enjoy yourself. Family is important but lasting relationships are important too.

[dhammerman2003]

Obviously, at this point in time, your cousin just isn't that into having a close relationship with you. And the more you pester him with emails and calls, the more they will stop replying to your emails and picking up the phone when you call them up.

I talked to my aunt today and she has left him several messages about picking up something from her and she has left him a message on both his cell phone and home phone yet his wife never gave him the message because she deleted it so the machine wouldn't stop beeping and he never checked his voice mail because he has his phone turned off when he gets home from work.

Your cousin just isn't ready to be that close to you yet. You weren't around before, so the habit isn't there that he wants to talk to you frequently like a best friend.

Well I would like to be close to him as we were never close to begin with. Yes I understand he has a family, wife, and kids to deal with but why can't he have a relationship with is only cousin is beyond me. My aunt even agrees with me that he should have a relationship with you and that he should be able to pickup the phone whenever he calls.

But you are single and have more time on your hands to be lonely.

Single, college student, wanting to leave the nest and be free, finding a job that pays well with a college degree.

Plus there is a ten year difference between the two of you. He may see you as more of a "kid" with not enough in common attitude to talk about. Once you are married and with kids, you probably will grow closer

His oldest son was born when he was my age. Would his kids see me as someone to look up to to get to know them as they keep asking me about the family, when am I coming back, etc.

Even if I do get married and if I do have kids our bond with probably grow weaker not stronger but then again what do I know I'm just a "young kid who hasn't left the house, who has no life, who has low self-esteem, who is thick-headed, has no friends who he is close to, and who is obsessed with trying to establish a relationship with his only cousin but he's shutting me out of his life."

You keep referencing this 24-48 hour window. Where does it come from? No, 'I was always taught', is not a source.

It comes from being a Generation Yer and being up to speed on technology as we are constantly texting, IMing, checking our emails, voice mails, and responding back much more quickly and frequently than the Generation Xers.

Assuming everyone is this selfish, including your cousin, what does he get out of your relationship?

A relationship with his only living cousin that he hasn't had a chance to get to know. He also gets to see what the other side of the coin is like and why he is so concerned about him and the kids.

So far, he's got the responsibility of caring for YOUR father, which I assume he's not getting financially reimbursed for.

Actually he does get reimbursed from the nursing home for anything that they purchase for him.

What do you have to offer him, since his world revolves around him?

Young, technologically savvy, know how to deal with teenagers and their issues, a potential babysitter if needed, someone that likes to help other people at all times, a 2nd person that can take the kids wherever they want to go to as his wife can't drive at all.

What do you mean they don't ACCEPT long distance calls?

This one doesn't accept any incoming or outgoing long distance calls don't know why, don't know how but when I go down I will find out why they don't accept calls from out-of-state.

Your single mindedness about what is "right" is going to make your life rather difficult. Instead of arguing with the majority of responders maybe you should sit back and start listening instead of repeating the same old arguments and "facts" over and over. Good luck

Thanks as it seems I'm going to need it.

Everyone needs balance in their lives and having friends you can talk to/hang out with might help with some of your issues.

Most of my friends live on the opposite sides of the US or are overseas fighting for our country and I can't afford to go out and hang with them as often as I used to when we were younger.

Sometimes close relationships with family members and others aren't meant to be.

If they aren't meant to be how does that effect someone who wants to have a relationship with them but they aren't letting you in?

You did say you haven't really been close to your cousin, so it's hard to expect him to just start being closer with you now.

Why not I'm still young. People have told me that they wish they were younger so they can do some of those things that they wished they could when they were younger. So why can't the same thing apply to me?

Go out and enjoy yourself.

That's what I'm going to do once this semester is over.

Family is important but lasting relationships are important too.

Yes family is important and yes lasting relationships are important as well as I do talk to a lot of my classmates and we still have a lasting relationship even though we are on the opposite sides of the US.

[Wingsy]

Originally Posted by dhammerman2003

If they aren't meant to be how does that effect someone who wants to have a relationship with them but they aren't letting you in?

Here, let's try this another way... to demonstrate to you why your "it's all about me" philosophy isn't realistic.

Let's say you meet a girl at school next week. She likes you, you like her, you go out on a few dates. After you've been out a couple of times, you begin noticing things about her you aren't comfortable with: she's really rude to waitstaff, she seems to spend most of her time staring at other men or flirting with the waiter, she drinks like a fish, she orders the absolutely most expensive thing on the menu but never offers to pick up the tab, she keeps answering her phone or texting in the middle of your date, and she drives like a maniac.

You make an attempt to discuss these issues with her. She says "uh huh" and goes back to doing things her way. You finally decide this clearly isn't someone you want to continue dating... she isn't going to change, she's pretty obnoxious, and really you could do so much better. So you break it off.

Only... she doesn't want you to break it off. She keeps calling, texting, emailing, showing up at school/work, pestering you, asking why you don't call her back, insisting you spend time with her, following you around.

Should she respect the fact that you don't want a relationship with her? Or should she keep pushing herself into your life because, after all, she's been taught that it's "all about her" and she's certainly being negatively affected by your lack of interest in having her in your life. She wants to be in your life... shouldn't you just accept that and let her in? Heck, she wants to marry you even... she wants you to be a family!!

Are you going to go along with that?