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My friend is also a sweet, generous person, and it's of concern to me that she's getting involved with someone who might not take things as seriously as she is from an emotional standpoint. Sadly, I can only see this ending in disaster and more heartache. I still believe that men get involved with married women for very different reasons than married women get involved with men.
Yes, I agree with you a man being with a married woman is just looking for sex only, pretty much. We have a poster here who brags about "banging" married women, because according to him, who cares if you gets them pregnant because the husband is stuck with the kid.
I tell all men I know in no uncertain terms that if they cheat on their wives, that I do not want to know about it, and that they will never have my authorization to use me in lies to cover themselves up.
I know a few men who are close friends with each other and they are very old-fashioned and sexist/machista, and they are proud of it.
I've actually written about one of them here. He's a rich man in the medical profession w/ a huge house and a stay-at-home wife who cares for their young children.
I used to be close with "Mr. Doctor's" brother-in-law "Guido." Guido and I do not talk or meet as often as we did, but we're still friends. Guido told me Mr. Doctor has, for more than 1 1/2 year, had a girlfriend who is over 10 years his junior. The woman herself has a boyfriend. And Guido told me that Mr. Doctor doesn't know I am aware of the affair (which means, Guido leaks secretive info on his own brother-in-law to other people - which is another reason I'm glad I'm not close to Guido as I once was. I can't trust him).
Anyway. Guido claims he has never cheated on his wife, but I don't believe him. I know for a fact he asked a man I know to store a photograph of himself w/ a pretty young waitress at a restaurant at a faraway city. While this photograph does not prove that anything else happened outside the restaurant, the fact that he wanted that photograph hidden from his wife shows that Guido knows his wife would be upset.
In fact, I speculate a reason these men no longer invite me out as they once did is that I've openly told them I highly disapprove of their social activities, some of which involves spending large sums of cash at questionable establishments.
I don't believe in "boys will be boys" or any codes about boys covering for the boys. Funny how men like this would go ballistic if their wives did to them what they do to their wives.
The real question is what do you do when you're confronted about it? Suppose that person who's being cheated on comes to you and asks "is my SO cheating on me?" Do you tell the truth and say yes? Do you lie and say no? Do you pretend not to know? Do you just dodge the question? I would hate to be in this situation. I would never lie for someone. But is pretending not to know the same as lying? Refusing to answer is almost the same as telling the truth since the other person will be able to read between the lines.
The real question is what do you do when you're confronted about it? Suppose that person who's being cheated on comes to you and asks "is my SO cheating on me?" Do you tell the truth and say yes? Do you lie and say no? Do you pretend not to know? Do you just dodge the question? I would hate to be in this situation. I would never lie for someone. But is pretending not to know the same as lying? Refusing to answer is almost the same as telling the truth since the other person will be able to read between the lines.
That is a good question, and I've considered what would happen if friend's H one day asked me if I knew, or if I do know about the affairs. I would probably tell him (with heavy heart) that he should be talking about these things with his wife. I know that's a chickensh*t way of dealing with the situation.
I know that in the betrayed spouse's situation, I would definitely want to know. I've been there, and I've had mutual friends tell me that they didn't want to "get involved." If only one of them had leveled with me, I would have done things quite differently, and I wouldn't have assumed that I was crazy. Ironically, now I know why they were reticent--they truly did not want to get involved.
I'm crossing my fingers really tight and hoping that this affair will put itself out and that my friend will get a divorce before doing something like this again. There's no way it can possibly end well.
I will usually tell the friend to come clean. If they refuse, I will make vague hints to the SO being cheated on (esp. if I know both of them as friends, it becomes more critical to end this fast). Then they can clean that mess up by themselves.
It may be mean for me to bust their bubble, but there is no excuse for cheating behaviors. The friend makes it my business when they involve me. It is pure selfishness and prolongs the suffering for everyone involved. No ifs, ands, or buts... or else it is just rationalizing the evil tendencies of human beings. If they don't like their current relationship then just end it.
Never lost a true friend over it.
Only exception is if revealing this information would result in a reasonable chance of homicide. In that case... keep mouth shut. Tell friend to run.
I'd be real uncomfortable with this as well. How does she react when you encourage her to put the affair(s) on hold until after she removes herself from her present situation and is on her own? Does she resent your offer of advice? Does she get defensive or hurt, as though you are judging her? This is a complicated siaution.
These are interesting questions, and I thank you for asking them. No, she doesn't seem angry or resentful when I express my concerns. However, they don't seem to have any effect. I don't nag, chide or say, "You may regret this!" My method of communicating with her has been to stress the potential outcome of this affair, such as H finding out and making her move out, children finding out and suffering because of it, becoming too involved with the "other man" only to find out that there's little reciprocity, therefore, feeling like she's wasted a lot of time and mental energy on essentially nothing. And truly, I don't judge her ... in fact, if I were in her shoes, I'd be mightily tempted to do the same thing, but I seriously doubt that I would. Whenever I've wanted out, I get out, end of story.
Yes. Twice in the past I've had to tell friends, "I just don't want to know about this. And don't ask me to lie, because I won't. I won't inform on you, but if I'm asked a question point blank by your wife, I'll tell her the truth."
My friend is also a sweet, generous person, and it's of concern to me that she's getting involved with someone who might not take things as seriously as she is from an emotional standpoint. Sadly, I can only see this ending in disaster and more heartache. I still believe that men get involved with married women for very different reasons than married women get involved with men.
I hope this doesn't mean you're promoting a double standard. Because on this forum, I've noticed a common thread among many women when it comes to the subject of indelity: If a man cheats, it's his fault. If a woman cheats, it's still his fault.
I hope this doesn't mean you're promoting a double standard. Because on this forum, I've noticed a common thread among many women when it comes to the subject of indelity: If a man cheats, it's his fault. If a woman cheats, it's still his fault.
I don't promote infidelity in any way, shape or form. If you're that unhappy or simply cannot be faithful to one person, do the entire world a favor and stay a swingin' single or get out of your current entanglement, whatever that may be. Don't get into a relationship or marriage where the other party expects and assumes monogamy. It's quite simple.
I think that women get hurt more in affairs because they do equate sex with attachment, and men usually don't. In the texts that I read to understand my exH's infidelity, it was noted that men who get involve with married women typically consider them "safer" than single women because of their marital attachment, which turns out to be a flawed notion, because married women fall in love, are more likely to leave their husbands, and this complicates things.
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