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Unread 09-27-2010, 03:17 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,347 posts, read 6,130,207 times
Reputation: 9915
What you have done here Alexiss is the classic non-apology apology. It's not just you, a lot of people do this. I am pointing this out to you in case you ever decide to give your family a real apology. Here is what I mean by example - in this post you just quoted, you don't actually accept the blame for what you did.

Saying "I am sorry that this happened" and "I am sorry for what I did" are two entirely different things. When you keep saying "this happened" you are not taking responsibility for your personal actions. Do you see what I mean? You are distancing yourself here. And as for the part in blue, you are saying that what you did is only wrong because the outcome turned out to be bad. You don't regret banging the kid, you only regret that you are now experiencing the fall out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss
Also, I *am* very sensitive to my cousins feelings and I feel just terrible about this. Had I had ANY idea that what we did would lead to this, or to him feeling badly for years, of COURSE I would have never done it.

But, just because I'm frustrated that the family can't see my side of it, it doesn't mean I don't still feel very bad for what my cousin is and has gone through as a result of this. I loved my cousin, and I would do anything to take back the pain this has caused him. I never intended for any of this to happen like this, and now, I guess all I can do is maybe write a letter and hope they come around.
And this is why they don't see your repentance: you have yet to repent.

 
Unread 09-27-2010, 03:22 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,905 posts, read 4,018,212 times
Reputation: 12080
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
I know you're being facitious, but though I had an idea that theoretically it was wrong, in my 17 year old mind, I had no idea or concept of the repercussions of my behavior. Absolutely none. If I had even a smidgen of an idea of the pain and drama this was going to create, I never would have done it. What I thought at the time was that it would be fun, then maybe awkward for a few years and then we'd all grow up and move on. If I knew my cousin was going to get stuck in a shame spiral that's haunted him all the years, I would have never, done it. I feel awful about it now. I care about my family's feelings and the last thing in the whole world I'd ever want to do is hurt any of them.
You can't undo the past. Now that it is out, you will have to deal with the reprocussions that come with it. I can imagine his parents are going through feelings of shock and shame of their own. After all, you two are closely related. First cousins means their sister's/brother's child had sex with their son.

I don't know what amount of time is the right time to respond. Either way you will be the anti-christ because it was upon you as the oldest to use better judgement. I have a son who will be 17 next month and he knows better so that excuse will not hold water with them.

I would wait to see if they contacted me for my side. If they don't then they may not be interested in hearing it which is your sign to stay away.....at least for now. Good luck to you and I hope whatever happens, you do offer an apology to them, forgive yourself and move forward with your life.
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 03:23 PM
 
881 posts, read 536,164 times
Reputation: 313
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
I know you're being facitious, but though I had an idea that theoretically it was wrong, in my 17 year old mind, I had no idea or concept of the repercussions of my behavior. Absolutely none. If I had even a smidgen of an idea of the pain and drama this was going to create, I never would have done it. What I thought at the time was that it would be fun, then maybe awkward for a few years and then we'd all grow up and move on. If I knew my cousin was going to get stuck in a shame spiral that's haunted him all the years, I would have never, done it. I feel awful about it now. I care about my family's feelings and the last thing in the whole world I'd ever want to do is hurt any of them.

Like someone else mentioned..... RELIGION cause the shame spiral... if it wasn't this situation, then he would have something else to go down into a shame spiral over.


Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and think we have to most loving, awesome, perfect creator in the universe, so I believe in spirituality, but to ME, RELIGION IS THE DEVIL!

It causes so much shame and self hatred and fighting and judgementalness, it creats the self rightious, you name it, if it is something UN spiritual, it probly stemmed from some religious belief.
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 03:28 PM
 
881 posts, read 536,164 times
Reputation: 313
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
I've said it here:




I honestly have no idea. It's not like I kept track or anything. As a kid and pre-teen, I kissed my neighbors growing up, some boys, some girls, some younger, some older. I kissed them at times, and they kissed each other. We were all just experimenting. It was so blasť and normal to me that I didn't think anything of it. When I went to visit my cousin, I took that mindset with me. I'm not saying it was appropriate, I'm just trying to show you where I'm coming from.

That is exactly how it was where I grew up.... I don't think we even know anyone from school who didn't do that stuff with each other at some point... girls, boys, whatever.... mostly girls because of all of the pajama parties etc, but if there were boys around, they were in there too.


Mostly dares etc....
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 03:29 PM
 
3,261 posts, read 2,525,250 times
Reputation: 3874
Quote:
Originally Posted by misswee View Post
Like someone else mentioned..... RELIGION cause the shame spiral... if it wasn't this situation, then he would have something else to go down into a shame spiral over.


Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and think we have to most loving, awesome, perfect creator in the universe, so I believe in spirituality, but to ME, RELIGION IS THE DEVIL!

It causes so much shame and self hatred and fighting and judgementalness, it creats the self rightious, you name it, if it is something UN spiritual, it probly stemmed from some religious belief.
You can have morals and values, without being religious. I'm not religious and as a mom, I would be upset if I learned of something similar.

Last edited by robee70; 09-27-2010 at 03:40 PM..
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 03:38 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,905 posts, read 4,018,212 times
Reputation: 12080
Quote:
Originally Posted by misswee View Post
Like someone else mentioned..... RELIGION cause the shame spiral... if it wasn't this situation, then he would have something else to go down into a shame spiral over.


Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and think we have to most loving, awesome, perfect creator in the universe, so I believe in spirituality, but to ME, RELIGION IS THE DEVIL!

It causes so much shame and self hatred and fighting and judgementalness, it creats the self rightious, you name it, if it is something UN spiritual, it probly stemmed from some religious belief.
Religion itself is not the devil. It's the one's who hide behind it or use it to justify their behavior or judgement of others that is wrong. They are ignorant of the Bible's teachings because they are displaying the very behavior in which the scripture says not to.....i.e. hypocrite.
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 03:44 PM
 
1,561 posts, read 991,570 times
Reputation: 2077
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
I honestly have no idea. It's not like I kept track or anything. As a kid and pre-teen, I kissed my neighbors growing up, some boys, some girls, some younger, some older. I kissed them at times, and they kissed each other. We were all just experimenting. It was so blasť and normal to me that I didn't think anything of it. When I went to visit my cousin, I took that mindset with me. I'm not saying it was appropriate, I'm just trying to show you where I'm coming from.
Yikes!

Just how many young boys (and girls) did you have sex with? Reading into your post a little deeper, you did not mention that your cousin was the first time you had sex. If you had confined your experimentation to your own age level that may be reasonable or maybe not. At least it would be on a equal playing field maturity wise. Instead you seeked out those considerably younger than you.

I am getting the bad feeling you are/were a serial child molester.
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 04:01 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,435 posts, read 909,775 times
Reputation: 2186
Perhaps her cousin feels he WAS MOLESTED and that is why he felt he needed to share the info with his mom. If he had really consented to this do you think he would feel so uncomfortable about it? No he would be fine with it and he would have forgotten about it. Something is just not right here. I'm getting bad vibes.

Last edited by KylieEve; 09-27-2010 at 04:01 PM.. Reason: .
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 04:28 PM
 
46 posts, read 42,511 times
Reputation: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
What you have done here Alexiss is the classic non-apology apology. It's not just you, a lot of people do this. I am pointing this out to you in case you ever decide to give your family a real apology. Here is what I mean by example - in this post you just quoted, you don't actually accept the blame for what you did.
I don't think you read this post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
...though I had an idea that theoretically it was wrong, in my 17 year old mind, I had no idea or concept of the repercussions of my behavior. Absolutely none. If I had even a smidgen of an idea of the pain and drama this was going to create, I never would have done it. What I thought at the time was that it would be fun, then maybe awkward for a few years and then we'd all grow up and move on.

If I knew my cousin was going to get stuck in a shame spiral that's haunted him all the years, I would have never, done it. I feel awful about it now. I care about my family's feelings and the last thing in the whole world I'd ever want to do is hurt any of them.
_____________________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by MattB4 View Post
Yikes!

Just how many young boys (and girls) did you have sex with?
um...none Where are you getting SEX from? I said I only KISSED other boys and girls and they kissed each other. See post below.

What this poster said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by misswee View Post
That is exactly how it was where I grew up.... I don't think we even know anyone from school who didn't do that stuff with each other at some point... girls, boys, whatever.... mostly girls because of all of the pajama parties etc, but if there were boys around, they were in there too. Mostly dares etc....
is exactly what I experienced growing up.

____________________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalan View Post
Perhaps her cousin feels he WAS MOLESTED and that is why he felt he needed to share the info with his mom. If he had really consented to this do you think he would feel so uncomfortable about it? No he would be fine with it and he would have forgotten about it. Something is just not right here. I'm getting bad vibes.
There is no doubt in my mind that he FEELS he was molested, by the way he's reacting to this, but I DID NOT molest him. That's just sick.

We had an idea when we were hanging out one night and we went with it.

Molesting is what happens when you force yourself on someone or you force them to do something to you. There was absolutely no force or coercion, physical or verbal, involved on either side.

If you want to say that his age alone makes it a molestation, then fine. But as far as MAKING someone do something they didn't want to do, there was absolutely none of that.
 
Unread 09-27-2010, 04:29 PM
 
881 posts, read 536,164 times
Reputation: 313
Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
You can have morals and values, without being religious. I'm not religious and as a mom, I would be upset if I learned of something similar.

It might upset me, but not to the point of removing my love from a family member and outing someone who obviously feels aweful about it herself....
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