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Old 09-26-2010, 06:09 PM
 
46 posts, read 82,154 times
Reputation: 36

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About 10+ years ago, I fooled around with a family member. I was a teenager, and so was the family member (a couple of years younger). I never - in any way - forced myself on that family member, we were both consenting. My family member has now decided to tell his mother (she and I were very close) and now they say I can never come over to their house or be a part of their family anymore. He's now an adult with children and doesn't even live at home anymore (obviously). I am so sad this happened. Do you think they'll ever forgive me?

If you were his family, please tell me exactly what your thoughts and feelings would be. They won't talk to me, so I can't even begin to know how to approach them.

Please help. I am devastated about this. I was very close with them and I feel terrible about this (possibly lifelong) separation.

 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:15 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,710 posts, read 22,767,205 times
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Family secrets and skeletons in the closet always come out.

How they choose to react is something you have no control over.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:16 PM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,229,163 times
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I'm not 100% clear on what you mean by "fool around." Do you mean just experimenting with sex? A full-blown relationship?

Does any part of you still want to be with said family member? Maybe if you can assure your family, especially his parents, that you have zero interest in doing anything and that it was 10 years ago, that will help calm things down. Otherwise it may just be a matter of time. I know ten years is a lot but sometimes people need even longer. It might also be good to be in a relationship with someone outside the family when approaching them, to show that your romantic/sexual interests lie elsewhere.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:23 PM
 
46 posts, read 82,154 times
Reputation: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by nimchimpsky View Post
I'm not 100% clear on what you mean by "fool around." Do you mean just experimenting with sex? A full-blown relationship?

Does any part of you still want to be with said family member? Maybe if you can assure your family, especially his parents, that you have zero interest in doing anything and that it was 10 years ago, that will help calm things down. Otherwise it may just be a matter of time. I know ten years is a lot but sometimes people need even longer. It might also be good to be in a relationship with someone outside the family when approaching them, to show that your romantic/sexual interests lie elsewhere.
experimenting sexually. I only visited this part of the family for a few weeks out of the year and when I was a teenager, it did not feel "incestuous", because to me, we did not feel like family.

Even though it was consensual, the family member told his mom that he feels "deeply ashamed" over what happened. I don't get it. He was all for it at the time. Now I look some creep who tries to take advantage of people, when that was 100% not the case.

I'm now in a LT relationship and have been for several years my family knows this. I have not had any "interest" in my family member since we were teens.

I know it's not as easy as "just get over it", but my family won't even listen to my side of the story. I seriously don't know what to do.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,683,229 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
experimenting sexually. I only visited this part of the family for a few weeks out of the year and when I was a teenager, it did not feel "incestuous", because to me, we did not feel like family.

Even though it was consensual, the family member told his mom that he feels "deeply ashamed" over what happened. I don't get it. He was all for it at the time. Now I look some creep who tries to take advantage of people, when that was 100% not the case.

I'm now in a LT relationship and have been for several years my family knows this. I have not had any "interest" in my family member since we were teens.

I know it's not as easy as "just get over it", but my family won't even listen to my side of the story. I seriously don't know what to do.
You're male or female??
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,432 posts, read 3,267,832 times
Reputation: 2186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexiss View Post
About 10+ years ago, I fooled around with a family member. I was a teenager, and so was the family member (a couple of years younger). I never - in any way - forced myself on that family member, we were both consenting. My family member has now decided to tell his mother (she and I were very close) and now they say I can never come over to their house or be a part of their family anymore. He's now an adult with children and doesn't even live at home anymore (obviously). I am so sad this happened. Do you think they'll ever forgive me?

If you were his family, please tell me exactly what your thoughts and feelings would be. They won't talk to me, so I can't even begin to know how to approach them.

Please help. I am devastated about this. I was very close with them and I feel terrible about this (possibly lifelong) separation.
First of all can you tell me how you are related since you say it is a family member? I need to know that before I can respond.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,683,229 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalan View Post
First of all can you tell me how you are related since you say it is a family member? I need to know that before I can respond.
Yeah, hopefully it's not a taboo relative
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:42 PM
 
Location: So Cal
38,756 posts, read 37,929,773 times
Reputation: 39576
Kissing cousins????
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:43 PM
 
1,237 posts, read 2,879,616 times
Reputation: 1086
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisalan View Post
First of all can you tell me how you are related since you say it is a family member? I need to know that before I can respond.

Yea, that will make a potentially big difference.

Either way - I can see where your family is coming from. Regardless of the fact that you each have separate lives NOW, it is really just never okay to fool around with a family member in any sense of the word.

I'm sorry, but it's kind of disturbing. Even if you were both consenting, you were older and should have known better.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 06:45 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,683,229 times
Reputation: 11309
Besides I hate that fact that people won't disclose everything but leave a hansel and gretel puzzle we advice champs have to connect and decipher
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