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Old 10-29-2010, 11:05 PM
 
3,379 posts, read 5,845,609 times
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I'm not reading all the posts. The answer to this is simple. Your husband came first.

On your wedding day, you vowed to put him "before all others". Unless you decided to change your vows to "except my parents, our children and my siblings", you should honor your vows.
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:42 AM
 
18,868 posts, read 15,987,943 times
Reputation: 24933
Whatever you do, don't make your husband go with you if he does not want to. My ex basically ordered me to spend time with his family, for holidays. I had limited vacation time, and was forced to spend it with his relatives. I hated it, and resented it. I wanted to relax at home, do some of my own stuff...I felt controlled. I could not stand it. It seriously cast a pall on our marriage, because I felt like he did not care about me, at all. I did not expect him to stay home with me, he could go, have a good time. I just did not want to go. But he made such a huge issue out of it...and then, when I wanted to stay in a hotel, instead of his parents home, it was like I was "starting a fight" UGH..they smoked, had a filthy house, it was gross, and made me ill.

Anyway, find a middle ground that makes you both happy.
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:54 AM
 
Location: Southern Oregon
4,100 posts, read 3,200,076 times
Reputation: 5497
Default Who comes first: my husband or my family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by oxenbury45 View Post
Yes, my family insists on BOTH holidays. It's like the end of the world if we do not do both holidays with them. Never mind that we (my hubs included) spend plenty of time with them the rest of the year. My hubs doesn't understand why the holidays are "end of the world important." My family doesn't understand why we don't think they are "end of the world important."

Meanwhile, my therapist says that my husband is my NEW and no. 1 family, not my parents/brothers. And that I need to do what is best for my new family and move on. I think that is a bit extreme.

I think the problem is that my husband is willing to compromise (one holiday), while my family is not. And then I feel guilty about them (my parents/brothers) being offended.

Of course all of this makes me like the holidays EVEN LESS. In fact, this is prolly why I am starting to hate them (which is great for hubs, not great for fam). I'd much rather be trekking through Morocco than sitting around the parental living room watching everyone get annoyed with each other.
If my wife asked a bunch of strangers who comes first her family or her husband, I would make damn good and sure she knew who she was living with and married to. If she couldn't figure that out by herself, she would out of the house and back living full time with her family. When you said your wedding vows, who did you make those vows to, your husband or your family? You need to get some backbone, and tell your family that your husband comes first in all things, and that you will spend holidays with them when you can, but not every year. You think it's extreme what the therapist said? Why bother to see a therapist? How extreme would it be if this bothered your husband so much that it ruined your marriage? Think about it. I personally hate situations like this, it can make a husband resent his wife. I know, I've been there. I just told my wife to go without me that I just didn't want to go. Enought little problems add up to big problems and in my case after 20 years, my marriage ended.
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Old 10-30-2010, 01:08 AM
 
Location: The Middle
5,262 posts, read 8,247,028 times
Reputation: 6709
My husband and I had this battle for years. My MIL insisted on every Thanksgiving, every Christmas Eve and Christmas day. My family always got together on Christmas Eve. That was the only time but somehow my MIL could not let go that we would spend that night with my family. So for the first 5 years of my marriage we went to Thanksgiving at my MIL's, then spent Christmas Eve dividing up the evening between my family and his, then spending Christmas Day at my MIL's. It caused me a lot of anger, for one my in-laws are overwhelming and all I wanted was one stinking day to spend time with my family. Also I wanted to enjoy at least one Thanksgiving at my own home, cooking a meal. So hubby put his foot down. Every other year we would go to his mother's house at Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve was out. It was reserved for my family. Also all that damn driving around was a hassle and kind of dangerous as it was always snowing and the roads were bad. It annoyed my MIL to no end that we did this but I didnt care. She actually wrote down on a calendar every year when we came for Thanksgiving and when we did not. Just in case we tried to skip two years in a row. I am sooo glad we moved out of state 2 yrs ago. We havent been to a Thanksgiving or Christmas in 2 yrs. We use the excuse the weather is too bad or my husband has to work. We visit in the summer and even then that is a hassle. My in-laws plan our whole weekend thinking that I am an orphan or something. When family gets that demanding then people get burned out and stop showing up altogether. Instead of 2 trips back home this past summer, we only took one. So I say to the OP, divvy up the holidays before you have major family drama.
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Old 10-30-2010, 08:28 AM
 
943 posts, read 1,415,489 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oxenbury45 View Post
I ask this because my husband HATES the holidays (he has a dysfunctional family, does not have any traditions spending time with family, etc.) and every year it's a big fight between me, him and my parents/brothers about where him and I spend the holidays.

my parents and my brothers expect us to spend Xmas AND Thanksgiving with them and get offended if we don't do this (in fact, they get offended if we aren't jumping for joy at the idea of doing this). they just do not understand how we could be so "anti-holiday."

my husband, on the other hand, doesn't care about the holidays and would rather spend that precious time off from work traveling, doing home repairs or any other thing rather than sitting around a turkey. me? i like the holidays but i am fine missing them one year too. it's not life or death, like it is for my family. mostly i just like the food.

So I am put in the position every year of having to choose between my husband and my family.

help!
Why not visit your family YOURSELF for like 2-3 days the week of Christmas, and then return home the day before Christmas to spend with that with husband.

Thanksgiving rotate the years.
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Old 10-30-2010, 08:46 AM
 
2,251 posts, read 3,256,316 times
Reputation: 1123
Yourself. So neither.
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Old 10-30-2010, 08:48 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,510 posts, read 12,033,452 times
Reputation: 9108
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Both of them are wrong, and you're stuck in the middle between them.

Tell your parents that they don't get a monopoly on your free time. One of the two major holidays each year is fine. The other time is for you. And if they don't get it, it's their problem not yours.

On the other hand, tell your husband to grow the hell up. He didn't just marry you. He married your family, too. And being part of a family means participating in its life. One family gathering a year won't kill him. Heck, my in-laws aren't exactly a picnic, either. But grownups learn to sometimes do things they don't necessarily want, and do it with a positive attitude.

Life is about compromising sometimes. And both your family and your husband need to learn how to make them.
You're considering your husbands and your family's feelings. Who comes first to your husband? Does he say or do anything that shows he's also considering your feelings about this? I agree with cpg.
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Old 10-30-2010, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Durham, NC
716 posts, read 1,130,050 times
Reputation: 692
While I am not married my own extended family has been dealing with this as me and my cousins get older and get married.

My parents expected me to be there for EVERY holiday - thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day... And we would visit both sets of grandparents making for a very long day.

This year even though I am not married I decided I am going on a big vacation for Christmas and NYE. Honestly when I told my mom she got very upset but now has accepted it. In fact I think it's prompted her to change how her and my dad do Christmas to make things more enjoyable for them too.

I would simply pick one holiday you are going to visit your parents and the other just you and your husband do something. You could even switch years which holiday - one year it's Thanksgiving then the next Christmas. Your parents will learn to deal.
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:06 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 35,883,543 times
Reputation: 21592
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
I'm not reading all the posts. The answer to this is simple. Your husband came first.

On your wedding day, you vowed to put him "before all others". Unless you decided to change your vows to "except my parents, our children and my siblings", you should honor your vows.
I have to spread rep before I can give you again - but that's part of the vows. "Leave father and mother..."

The smart thing is to marry someone compatible, who likes and gets along with your family and then you don't have this problem. It also sounds like the husband doesn't really care what you want to do, it's what he wants to do but that's who you married.
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:16 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 35,883,543 times
Reputation: 21592
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
Then the husband becomes the enemy. She'd probably have to spend the whole day explaining why he isn't there, and why doesn't he like us and why isn't family and holidays important to him, blah, blah... Better to keep a united front. Familys and holidays, yeah...
Yes, the family may just enjoy creating a wedge, they may like to control their adult children forever. Why bother to get married if the spouse is going to always come last? I think it's time to grow up and leave home - or work out a compromise with the spouse.

At some point parents need to move on, get a life also, they can't control everything and keep holidays like they always were when the kids were growing up. They have to learn to let go. Or hope their children marry someone who really really enjoys every holiday with them - that happens but there are no guarantees.
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