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Old 07-11-2007, 05:59 PM
 
30 posts, read 99,445 times
Reputation: 35

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
just wanted to pop in and take a looksie at the replies...

thanks very much to all of your for responding...actually, I wasn't talking about a mutual agreement, or the situation where the wife or husband stays home to raise the kids...I have no problem with that, if a couple mutually agrees and they can afford it, so the working spouse has quality time to themselves to play.

The situation I'm talking about is the self imposed person who is basically using their spouse to take care of them...

Presently I have a friend who is in this situaton...and I don't know what to say to him, other then listen....I fear saying anything negative about their situation....just let him talk to blow off steam...

She is lazy, uses the child as an excuse to stay home...charges way more then she should, actually charges way more then they can handle. She refuses to get a job, and yet, upon meeting her, she possessed a very lucrative position before they were married. After they married, she up and quit.


Just goes to show ya, one should notrry for all the wrong reasons...

again...many thanks for your contributions to this thread.

Creme

No offense intended but it seems like you know way to much about another couples private business. I think I would try to tactfully change the subject when your friend starts talking about his wife. If he really feels that way about their situation he needs to address it with her but it isn't really any of your business and I don't think any good can come from getting involved. It kinda sounds like he is doing the poor me sympathy thing and talking behind her back but if he really wanted things to be different he would be having those conversations with his wife.
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Old 07-12-2007, 02:58 AM
 
26,324 posts, read 24,447,679 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by linders_m View Post
No offense intended but it seems like you know way to much about another couples private business. I think I would try to tactfully change the subject when your friend starts talking about his wife. If he really feels that way about their situation he needs to address it with her but it isn't really any of your business and I don't think any good can come from getting involved. It kinda sounds like he is doing the poor me sympathy thing and talking behind her back but if he really wanted things to be different he would be having those conversations with his wife.

yes, you are absolutely correct...and there was a time we talked about that, but he wouldn't discuss it with her. We worked together at the time, and it was an up and up platonic friendship, but I felt very uncomfortable, so I started going out to lunch by myself....that was a few years ago, and I haven't heard from him in a long time...I believe he understood. And oh, by the way, we didn't go to lunch together every day, and there were other fellow employees with us...
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Old 07-12-2007, 03:49 AM
 
104 posts, read 641,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Hi,

1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....

2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?

3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?


What's your take?

We all get what we settle for. And some people are so desperate to have someone in their life that they will volunteer to be used/abused just for the sake of showing the world they aren't alone.

Some people are users and some people have so little self-respect for themselves that it ends up the way you described in all three questions.

I personally will never volunteer to be taken advantage of.
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:26 AM
 
18,307 posts, read 23,450,631 times
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i have mixed views on this, one of the toughest jobs is being a good parent
instill confidence in your kids, and being a good role model, and i believe most couples/parents would rather see one spouse home, rather than dropping kids off at a daycare everyday, however reality, unfortunately, it does come down to finances, tho i do like what one person wrote above, her hubby traded a bmw, so his wife could stay home.

yes, people make more today than years ago, but, housing and living expenses, are scary, not to mention taxes, etc.

ive known couples where the man works, and his wife, has nannys' and maids, and yes loves to have 300 shoes,while the man is killing himself working 12-16 hrs a day to support her "me me me"habits.
if i get married again,,one of the vows id write for my wife would be " the phrase "i want" will be eliminated from her vocabulary"
because when it comes to "i wants" its never enough

id also think that a woman is putting herself in a higher risk situation, if she chooses not to work at all, because what if they get a divorce?
she may have to start working again,,and start out later in life at the low end of the career totem pole.

i do believe if the man is working to support the wife and family,,its the least she can do to keep the house clean, cook for him, be very involved with the kids, and allow him,,some leisure time,,on the weekends or days off,,to play golf etc. and vice versa, if the woman is working and the man stays home,

i've seen a few scenarios, where the guy is a lawyer or dr. and his wife, is the non working socialite, they seem to have the best of everything,etc,,,but in reality,,thier marriage is on the rocks,,have major issues they dont deal with, because it comes down to money, too financially painful to get a divorce.

marriage is a two way street, one spouse cant be so indulgent or self-centered to lose sight that the other is supporting them,,should be mutual respect, live for yourselves, not keeping up with the jones'

id rather buy and drive a 1995 ford contour, and have a loving home, than drive a "look at me"cadillac escalade, and drive home to a screwed up image based marriage.

as far as finances,,i believe thats a form of cheating,,,when one spouse tanks up the credit cards. puts the whole family at risk, without the other one knowing.
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Old 07-12-2007, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Ohio, but moving to El Paso, TX August/September
431 posts, read 1,541,960 times
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Quote:
,some leisure time,,on the weekends or days off,,to play golf etc. and vice versa, if the woman is working and the man stays home,
This I have a huge issue with. I don't know if you've been around kids 24/7 but it is extremely draining. If there's free time, I prefer for us to have family time together so I get at least some help with the boys. I can't even tell you the last time I was able to have lunch with a friend without bringing the kids along. If you are home with kids all the time, you do lose a sense of self so it's not really fair, or equitable, if one partner is afforded time for outside interests while the other one is not. Staying home with kids is a job. A hard one, and it's often not respected because it's not paid, but it is to me, the most important job there is.
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Old 07-12-2007, 09:12 AM
 
26,324 posts, read 24,447,679 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emjbulls View Post
This I have a huge issue with. I don't know if you've been around kids 24/7 but it is extremely draining. If there's free time, I prefer for us to have family time together so I get at least some help with the boys. I can't even tell you the last time I was able to have lunch with a friend without bringing the kids along. If you are home with kids all the time, you do lose a sense of self so it's not really fair, or equitable, if one partner is afforded time for outside interests while the other one is not. Staying home with kids is a job. A hard one, and it's often not respected because it's not paid, but it is to me, the most important job there is.

Yes, I remember being home with my son for a while...we didn't want to put him in day care when he was just born, so my husband and I agreed that one of us would stay home until he was a year old...since his job paid better with better beneifts, we decided my job was secondary...therefore, I stayed home...and by the time I was ready to go back to work, I was indeed ready...remember starving for adult conversation.

Thanks so much for adding to this thread...
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Old 07-12-2007, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Peachy
18 posts, read 62,573 times
Reputation: 35
Well, I agree with you. I understand that a stay at home mom deters day care cost to some extent. My mother was a stay at home mom for awhile. But we as children realized as well as my father that my mother became bored with her lot in life as a stay at home mother. She started shopping off the television alot, going to the mall alot, and we took alot of naps. Personally, I enjoyed day care as opposed to staying in the house all day with Mom watching her fritter her time away with QVC, HSN, and the likes instead of doing something productive with us. That's one of the major reasons I selected to become a teacher. When I marry and have children, I'll be able to work and spend significant time with my children. This may not work with most, but the people in my family are so use to working multiple jobs that when you go from 4 to no job, I think my mother just didn't have any purpose. Hence, this became a shopping fetish and credit card debt. My father eventually agreed that he would put us in daycare so she could resume working, making money, and cease her useless spending habits. I think people who do as you describe are bored and use shopping as a distraction.
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Old 07-12-2007, 12:06 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,505 posts, read 23,743,812 times
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#1 because some people retire early with savings, many people feel they are underemployed (have 2 degrees and no valid/interesting job) The big secret in this country is the job market for people 35-55. It is shrinking.

#2 housekeeping should be divided/shared. It is no longer just the womans job to cook and clean in a busy family.

#3 grounds for divorce-overcharging on credit is a red flag. If one spouse does this in excess it is just wrong, because they will both legally have to pay the debt.
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Old 07-12-2007, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Home is where we park it.
3,098 posts, read 8,341,135 times
Reputation: 3185
1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....

Okay, my husband works full time, I stay at home. However, I also draw disability. We have set our mortgage so that is based on HIS income alone.

While our daughter lived at home, I tried working at one time (prior to my going on disability) and she eventually told me she preferred me being home when she got home from school.

We also had a home based business that I helped run and I am learning to do other things that can be done from home, such as web design and graphics.


2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?

We do have a housekeeper come every two weeks. That is paid out of my disability. I do most of the inside chores around the house. Right at the moment, we also have a yard service but once we get a new lawnmower, dh will take that back over again. I can't as I am severely allergic to cut grass. We both do the grocery shopping. So depending on what the chore is, it's shared between us. However for about 4 months last year, he had to do all of it...I had had back surgery and was under doctor's orders to not do any of it.


3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?

Well, I've been known to make a charge and tell him later but nothing more than $40-50 about once every 6 months or so. I know our credit limit, I know how deep in a hole his EX-WIFE left him AND US and I know that I don't want to go thru that ever again.
Liz
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Maple Valley, WA
980 posts, read 3,005,565 times
Reputation: 418
Quote:
1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....
Cremebrulee, I understand your post is directed at those who really are lazy and are just too good to lift a finger, but I've been lumped in with that category of people - especially by the 'open-minded' crowd - and it stung for a little.

I quit my job when my husband got a new job with a better salary, plus a bonus that was as much as I made working a full year, part-time. That part-time salary would have been more than enough to bump us into another tax bracket. I drive much less (saves on gas), I cook much more often (saves on groceries), and we have a much better quality of life. He has an office job - I worked at a hospital with crazy hours. Last December was the first time in 10 years that I was able to take a real Christmas holiday. People with children always got preferential treatment during holiday times, and while I understand that and don't begrudge them, I wondered why my time and family life were any less important.

When I finally did quit working, my former co-workers took the last two weeks of my employment and bashed me over the head with it - in a 'I'm-just-kidding-but-not' kind of way. I don't have any children so....why wasn't my able-bodied self contributing to society and my household finances? 'Must be nice that your gravy train came in!' 'Being a housewife is soooo 50's!' That kind of crap. And the ironic thing is, I was the one that came in on my time off, when they needed to stay home with a sick child. I was the one that could swap work schedules with them, so they could attend a last-minute (or poorly planned) school event for their children. And now that I'm not working, I'm so convenient that I can pick up their kid after school if they're running late to be there. I'm available to babysit on a Saturday so they can have some time with their SO.

Sorry for the rant - I realize there are people who sponge off their husbands/wives, and they are jerks for that. I'm no martyr, but I really don't appreciate being judged by the 'socially progressive' folks for my decisions that ultimately don't affect them - and I really don't appreciate people who imply that I married my husband for the money and security. It isn't just a judgement of choices - it's a judgement of character - and it isn't any different from the judgement of generations before when a woman wasn't 'supposed' to work.
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