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Old 01-08-2009, 12:53 AM
 
Location: southern california
55,567 posts, read 74,447,824 times
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to answer your OP
1974 anti discrimination credit act. means a spouse can assign you debt against your will without your signature, you are 100% responsible for it until a divorce then its 50%. at that moment in 1974 most men became property and did not even know it.
as to housework mine went down after the divorce, and the house was lots cleaner.
guys, need to see the lawyer b4 the marriage not after.

Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 01-08-2009 at 01:03 AM..
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Old 01-08-2009, 01:02 AM
 
Location: THEN: Paso Robles, Ca * NOW: Albuquerque, NM
519 posts, read 1,553,376 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
... so now I'm on Cymbalta to try to keep my anger down and to keep the thoughts of suicide at bay. As of last March, the thought of just checking out was looking mighty attractive compared to dealing with all this crap. [jk]
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like your wife cannot deal with reality/responsibility/etc. which doesn't help when there are children in the picture. I just want to encourage you to keep making strides and figuring out healthy ways to sort through this mess -- if not for yourself, for your children. Even if you don't want to keep on for you, remember that your children need your strength and love.
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Old 01-08-2009, 01:04 AM
 
6,028 posts, read 13,103,359 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
Let me step up to the plate on this one, because all 3 have a familiar ring to them... especially #3.

My wife used to work full-time as an RN before we had kids. Now, my wife has never really had a job she hasn't complained about. Including the job of being a mother. More on that later. Before we had our first child, I can distinctly remember her complaining about her job and making the comment that "being a housewife" was her true mission in life.

After the first boy was born, I supported the idea of her being a full-time stay-at-home mom. We agreed things would be tight for a while, but that we would watch expenses closely. Things were OK and a couple of years later we had another child, then a couple of years later, another.

With her consent, in between #2 and #3, I started a master's program to try to give my career and earning potential a boost. Upon completing that program a couple of years later, I discovered she had racked up several thousand dollars of CC debt. And NONE of it was what I would have categorized as "essential" spending. A LOT of it was ordering *junk* off those television shopping channels - QVC being the big culprit. Since she was a full-time stay-at-home mom and I was working full-time and going to school part-time, she could order all this stuff, receive it by UPS, then dispose of the packing materials without my knowledge. I only discovered the truth when we went to refinance the mortgage when rates were bottoming out in 2004.

In spite of being a stay-at-home mom, keeping up with the housework was too much for her to handle, so I hired a maid service to come in every two weeks to give the house a good cleaning. She will only occasionally do some cleaning in between those visits.

Then I started to hear about how stressed out she was handling 3 kids full-time, and she wanted a nanny to come in on a part-time basis during the week. The amount of nanny and/or babysitting support she gets varies over the course of the year... kids in school Sept-June decreases the need, while kids at home over breaks or for the summer increases the support she gets. I make sure I schedule the kids for summer camps and load their schedule up with things to do outside of the house because she really CAN'T handle them.

At present, we have two nanny/babysitters coming to our home, at a cost of probably $400 per week... and our oldest boy is in day camp all day, while the two girls have morning programs from 9-12 each day. Basically, the amount of time that mom has to spend with the kids needs to be minimized.

So what's the problem? Mental illness certainly plays a big role. She sees a shrink. So do I. I used to see her shrink until about a year ago when I "fired" hers for incompetence. She still sees the incompetent one because I think the therapist doesn't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear. I think she gets her pov "validated" and seems to come home with a 'script a new drug after just about every session. I think the only antidepressants she hasn't tried are MAOIs. I've heard her say the therapist thought she was bipolar, yet she seems to be getting prescribed every conceivable med for unipolar depression. Then there's the sleeping pills. she's tried all of them, too. Presently taking Lunesta.

So a big part of what's going on here is mental illness of some sort. And I don't think I ever really had a problem with depression until I had to pick up all the slack left by her. I had to start seeing a shrink because my depression was manifesting itself as anger... I would get very uptight about the household finances because my wife just didn't have a clue and didn't really even seem to care. Then I'd holler and carry on when I saw tell-tale boxes in the garage for some piece of junk she bought. I got told I had to tone down the anger or move out... so now I'm on Cymbalta to try to keep my anger down and to keep the thoughts of suicide at bay. As of last March, the thought of just checking out was looking mighty attractive compared to dealing with all this crap.

Meanwhile, the little lady quit her part-time job last week because that was causing too much stress in her life. (I won't pay her cc bills... she started working part-time on the weekends to pay it off herself, but as far as I can tell she continues to spend everything she makes and the cc debt stays constant at best and goes up at worst).

So when I see a list of questions like what you have listed... sure, some of that can be the result of garden-variety self-centeredness. But the real question one must ask is if the self-centeredness is but a symptom of the real malady. Very often, I think people will point to a "problem" and conclude the problem is indeed THE problem, when it is, in fact, only a symptom of the real problem.

So, after reading all this, want to change lives with me? If not, want to at least swap wives? Maybe for a little while? :wink: [jk]
Wow!! And why are you still married?

As far as the OP's three questions:
1. My husband and I have tried it three ways - both working, I work while he stays home, he works while I stay home - and found that for our situation, we are all happier (kids, pets, and houseplants included) when my husband works and I stay home. I think most families just do what feels right for them. As soon as our youngest begins Middle School I plan to go back to work. Now that we've done this for years, my husband has found that he really likes me being home, and he has said that he supports whatever I want to do in the future once the kids are grown as far as working or continuing to stay home and just be a full-time housewife, but I just can't stand the thought of not working once our children are older. It's a totally personal thing though.

2. If you're the spouse that's not earning an income, you should be the one in charge of keeping up with the house/kids/cleaning/cooking/etc. That's just my opinion... some people are like you said - just plain lazy and want to be treated like royalty or something. I think that is unfair. Of course, no partner would get away with that sort of spoiled behavior unless their spouse enabled them to. My husband works hard for his family earning money so that we can afford a good life. I pull my weight and work hard to make sure his efforts are not wasted and so that he can enjoy the good life he's earned when he is not at the office. The kids also help out and do their part. For our family, it's a team effort.

3. This is grounds for divorce as it is a betrayal of trust. Even if the card is only in his/her name, and the other spouse is technically not liable for that debt, it is still being dishonest and unfair. When you're married you need to be open about all financial matters or you are heading for some really big trouble. Unless you are a gazillionaire or something... I think once you reach a certain level of wealth the rules probably change... but for ordinary working-class families and couples this is a big problem.
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Old 01-08-2009, 01:08 AM
 
6,028 posts, read 13,103,359 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by truckzter View Post
I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like your wife cannot deal with reality/responsibility/etc. which doesn't help when there are children in the picture. I just want to encourage you to keep making strides and figuring out healthy ways to sort through this mess -- if not for yourself, for your children. Even if you don't want to keep on for you, remember that your children need your strength and love.
Truckzter - sweet, wonderful reply. I'm reppin' you!
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Old 01-08-2009, 01:36 AM
 
Location: THEN: Paso Robles, Ca * NOW: Albuquerque, NM
519 posts, read 1,553,376 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf View Post
Truckzter - sweet, wonderful reply. I'm reppin' you!
Many thanks! =)
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Old 01-08-2009, 07:57 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,344,356 times
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I was thinking about this thread this morning on my way to work. The reason is, my husband got laid off in October and has been taking it really hard.

However, he has been AWESOME as a house-husband. When I got home last night, the kids' homework was done, the little one was bathed, dinner was ready, laundry was done, the house was clean and he greeted me with a smile, hug and kiss. This morning when I got out of the shower, my coffee was ready (he doesn't drink coffee) and the kids' lunches were made. He warmed up the car for me so it would be warm when I was ready to go. It's like this every day. I'm really wishing he didn't have to find another job!!!
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Old 01-08-2009, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Chicago, Illinois
3,047 posts, read 8,127,640 times
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i work so i can afford things that i want! bottomline. but yes, there is something fundamentally wrong with how the majority of the populous is herded down maze like paths every day and night to work long and hard in order to make another rich. i often dream of moving to costa rica and working on the beach. in other countries, they are more concerned with one's well being instead of the dollar or euro or peso or whatever you want to call it.
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Old 01-08-2009, 08:28 AM
 
566 posts, read 876,772 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Hi,

1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....

2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?

3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?


What's your take?
#1 I am currently looking -- but the house will go to hell.
#2 It's a tradeoff? He goes to work ONLY, I do everything else.
#3 To me, that's cutting my nose off to spite my face. What good would that do. Me and my dh are on the same page with expenditures. We buy nothing for ourselves unless necessary. Treats and prezzies for each other are planned long in advance so as not to drain budget. Must always prepare for the OMG expense: Car repair, home repair, illness, etc.

But if need be, I would get rid of the dogs, move into a diff place and stop eating food to lighten the load on my dh. Whatever it takes. We are in this together forever.
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Old 01-08-2009, 08:56 AM
 
26,323 posts, read 24,438,474 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellothereIN View Post
#1 I am currently looking -- but the house will go to hell.
#2 It's a tradeoff? He goes to work ONLY, I do everything else.
#3 To me, that's cutting my nose off to spite my face. What good would that do. Me and my dh are on the same page with expenditures. We buy nothing for ourselves unless necessary. Treats and prezzies for each other are planned long in advance so as not to drain budget. Must always prepare for the OMG expense: Car repair, home repair, illness, etc.

But if need be, I would get rid of the dogs, move into a diff place and stop eating food to lighten the load on my dh. Whatever it takes. We are in this together forever.
ahhhhh, great post...loved it....
Question....so I guess that means I can't move in with you guys?
hey, you could claim me as a dependent.

I'm surprised this thread surfaced again...do you believe I started it back in 2007? I think?
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Old 01-08-2009, 09:01 AM
 
566 posts, read 876,772 times
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Look at all the posts just from today!!
As for you moving in, YOU would be the only one with a job!! Come on over. You can claim us!
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