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1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....
2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?
3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?
As to question #1 - it could be a mutual agreement. Maybe they have decided to have one person working while the other takes care of the home and the needs of the children.
As to question #2 - if the other spouse works, then it should be shared responsibilities, if not, I think it should be the stay at home spouses responsibility. It would be their "job"
As to question #3 - that should NEVER happen in marriage. However, I'll be devil's advocate, if for instance a woman is a stay at home mom, takes care of the home, cleaning, ironing, etc., she receives no monetary compensaton, maybe she feels cheated. With that being said, she should speak to her husband about this and perhaps go to work to receive compensation and to pay back the marital debt.
I have stayed at home for 2 years. I didn't want to, my DH wanted me to, so I did. I have hated it and will be going back to work in the fall.
My husband has a very demanding job and comes home exhausted. The least I can do is have food ready, even if I work. He does all of the outside work and a lot of fixing up the house.
#3 is just plain WRONG. We don't believe in any hidden money, in spending or hiding/saving.
Money issues cause many, many divorces.
Dawn
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Hi,
1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....
2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?
3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?
Let me step up to the plate on this one, because all 3 have a familiar ring to them... especially #3.
My wife used to work full-time as an RN before we had kids. Now, my wife has never really had a job she hasn't complained about. Including the job of being a mother. More on that later. Before we had our first child, I can distinctly remember her complaining about her job and making the comment that "being a housewife" was her true mission in life.
After the first boy was born, I supported the idea of her being a full-time stay-at-home mom. We agreed things would be tight for a while, but that we would watch expenses closely. Things were OK and a couple of years later we had another child, then a couple of years later, another.
With her consent, in between #2 and #3, I started a master's program to try to give my career and earning potential a boost. Upon completing that program a couple of years later, I discovered she had racked up several thousand dollars of CC debt. And NONE of it was what I would have categorized as "essential" spending. A LOT of it was ordering *junk* off those television shopping channels - QVC being the big culprit. Since she was a full-time stay-at-home mom and I was working full-time and going to school part-time, she could order all this stuff, receive it by UPS, then dispose of the packing materials without my knowledge. I only discovered the truth when we went to refinance the mortgage when rates were bottoming out in 2004.
In spite of being a stay-at-home mom, keeping up with the housework was too much for her to handle, so I hired a maid service to come in every two weeks to give the house a good cleaning. She will only occasionally do some cleaning in between those visits.
Then I started to hear about how stressed out she was handling 3 kids full-time, and she wanted a nanny to come in on a part-time basis during the week. The amount of nanny and/or babysitting support she gets varies over the course of the year... kids in school Sept-June decreases the need, while kids at home over breaks or for the summer increases the support she gets. I make sure I schedule the kids for summer camps and load their schedule up with things to do outside of the house because she really CAN'T handle them.
At present, we have two nanny/babysitters coming to our home, at a cost of probably $400 per week... and our oldest boy is in day camp all day, while the two girls have morning programs from 9-12 each day. Basically, the amount of time that mom has to spend with the kids needs to be minimized.
So what's the problem? Mental illness certainly plays a big role. She sees a shrink. So do I. I used to see her shrink until about a year ago when I "fired" hers for incompetence. She still sees the incompetent one because I think the therapist doesn't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear. I think she gets her pov "validated" and seems to come home with a 'script a new drug after just about every session. I think the only antidepressants she hasn't tried are MAOIs. I've heard her say the therapist thought she was bipolar, yet she seems to be getting prescribed every conceivable med for unipolar depression. Then there's the sleeping pills. she's tried all of them, too. Presently taking Lunesta.
So a big part of what's going on here is mental illness of some sort. And I don't think I ever really had a problem with depression until I had to pick up all the slack left by her. I had to start seeing a shrink because my depression was manifesting itself as anger... I would get very uptight about the household finances because my wife just didn't have a clue and didn't really even seem to care. Then I'd holler and carry on when I saw tell-tale boxes in the garage for some piece of junk she bought. I got told I had to tone down the anger or move out... so now I'm on Cymbalta to try to keep my anger down and to keep the thoughts of suicide at bay. As of last March, the thought of just checking out was looking mighty attractive compared to dealing with all this crap.
Meanwhile, the little lady quit her part-time job last week because that was causing too much stress in her life. (I won't pay her cc bills... she started working part-time on the weekends to pay it off herself, but as far as I can tell she continues to spend everything she makes and the cc debt stays constant at best and goes up at worst).
So when I see a list of questions like what you have listed... sure, some of that can be the result of garden-variety self-centeredness. But the real question one must ask is if the self-centeredness is but a symptom of the real malady. Very often, I think people will point to a "problem" and conclude the problem is indeed THE problem, when it is, in fact, only a symptom of the real problem.
So, after reading all this, want to change lives with me? If not, want to at least swap wives? Maybe for a little while? :wink: [jk]
Let me step up to the plate on this one, because all 3 have a familiar ring to them... especially #3.
My wife used to work full-time as an RN before we had kids. Now, my wife has never really had a job she hasn't complained about. Including the job of being a mother. More on that later. Before we had our first child, I can distinctly remember her complaining about her job and making the comment that "being a housewife" was her true mission in life.
After the first boy was born, I supported the idea of her being a full-time stay-at-home mom. We agreed things would be tight for a while, but that we would watch expenses closely. Things were OK and a couple of years later we had another child, then a couple of years later, another.
With her consent, in between #2 and #3, I started a master's program to try to give my career and earning potential a boost. Upon completing that program a couple of years later, I discovered she had racked up several thousand dollars of CC debt. And NONE of it was what I would have categorized as "essential" spending. A LOT of it was ordering *junk* off those television shopping channels - QVC being the big culprit. Since she was a full-time stay-at-home mom and I was working full-time and going to school part-time, she could order all this stuff, receive it by UPS, then dispose of the packing materials without my knowledge. I only discovered the truth when we went to refinance the mortgage when rates were bottoming out in 2004.
In spite of being a stay-at-home mom, keeping up with the housework was too much for her to handle, so I hired a maid service to come in every two weeks to give the house a good cleaning. She will only occasionally do some cleaning in between those visits.
Then I started to hear about how stressed out she was handling 3 kids full-time, and she wanted a nanny to come in on a part-time basis during the week. The amount of nanny and/or babysitting support she gets varies over the course of the year... kids in school Sept-June decreases the need, while kids at home over breaks or for the summer increases the support she gets. I make sure I schedule the kids for summer camps and load their schedule up with things to do outside of the house because she really CAN'T handle them.
At present, we have two nanny/babysitters coming to our home, at a cost of probably $400 per week... and our oldest boy is in day camp all day, while the two girls have morning programs from 9-12 each day. Basically, the amount of time that mom has to spend with the kids needs to be minimized.
So what's the problem? Mental illness certainly plays a big role. She sees a shrink. So do I. I used to see her shrink until about a year ago when I "fired" hers for incompetence. She still sees the incompetent one because I think the therapist doesn't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear. I think she gets her pov "validated" and seems to come home with a 'script a new drug after just about every session. I think the only antidepressants she hasn't tried are MAOIs. I've heard her say the therapist thought she was bipolar, yet she seems to be getting prescribed every conceivable med for unipolar depression. Then there's the sleeping pills. she's tried all of them, too. Presently taking Lunesta.
So a big part of what's going on here is mental illness of some sort. And I don't think I ever really had a problem with depression until I had to pick up all the slack left by her. I had to start seeing a shrink because my depression was manifesting itself as anger... I would get very uptight about the household finances because my wife just didn't have a clue and didn't really even seem to care. Then I'd holler and carry on when I saw tell-tale boxes in the garage for some piece of junk she bought. I got told I had to tone down the anger or move out... so now I'm on Cymbalta to try to keep my anger down and to keep the thoughts of suicide at bay. As of last March, the thought of just checking out was looking mighty attractive compared to dealing with all this crap.
Meanwhile, the little lady quit her part-time job last week because that was causing too much stress in her life. (I won't pay her cc bills... she started working part-time on the weekends to pay it off herself, but as far as I can tell she continues to spend everything she makes and the cc debt stays constant at best and goes up at worst).
So when I see a list of questions like what you have listed... sure, some of that can be the result of garden-variety self-centeredness. But the real question one must ask is if the self-centeredness is but a symptom of the real malady. Very often, I think people will point to a "problem" and conclude the problem is indeed THE problem, when it is, in fact, only a symptom of the real problem.
So, after reading all this, want to change lives with me? If not, want to at least swap wives? Maybe for a little while? :wink: [jk]
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this sort of behavior...your the reason I asked these questions...I'm certain in some cases it just works out for both for one not to work.
I have a friend whose husband quit his job and has stayed home for two years. No matter how you cut it...I think deep down inside, there are always questions...and she does question his behavior, but I agree, all in all, to me, in all three questions, it might work for some...but I believe relationships should be shared...and so should everything else...helping each other out...
I have had several female friends that have told me outright, they spaced their children apart so that they don't have to work. Gosh, what a terrible thing to do to your better half, yanno?
My cousin's son, has a wife like yours...and I know of a few other young gals that do the same. I know of one gal who says, I don't do gas...and so, even though she works all week long..she will never gas up her own car??????? But, I suppose what it comes down to, is what works best for the couple.
I knew a man who once told me, he helps his wife clean every week. One week he does the upstairs and she does the downstairs, the next week they switch...and he also said, he was lucky in that she is always there helping him with the chores...that to me, is a working relationship.
Shuke...I wish you the best...and I hope someday soon your woman somehow realizes she's got one good husband...and that, is what her counselor should be telling her.
Location: Ohio, but moving to El Paso, TX August/September
434 posts, read 1,653,084 times
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Quote:
1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....
I am a stay at home to 3 year old twins. My husband works one job, but a lot of hours. I see no reason for my kids to be in daycare at this point when it is not financially necessary for me to work. We make a 6 figure income, and I do say we, because I do a lot of stuff to help support my husband in his career. This coming school year, our boys will be in part time day care to help get them acclimated to school and the following year, they will be in full time day care. I will then go back to work then just so I can get out of the house. However, we take 1-2 long vacations a year to Europe so I need a job where I can take off easily for those (it's not all chichi ..we stay with my husband's mom when we go to Holland and then spend a few days in another country).
For our family, we had a choice whether I was stay at home or work, and after being "raised" by someone who didn't make a lot of family time (and our relation suffered as a result), I wanted to make being at home with the kids my number one priority. Are there some tradeoffs? Sure. We could have bought a bigger house. My husband's car is an economy car...he could have had a BMW. But we'd rather have a smaller house and a smaller car to make sure that I have this time with our boys while they are young.
Quote:
2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?
Let's see..My husband does the yard work and the garbage. We have a cleaning lady do the cleaning and lawn people to do the mowing. I do the grocery shopping and other shopping because it is an activity that the boys love to do with me so it's an activity we love to do together. I have arthritis so there is a lot of stuff that I need help with around the house when it flares. But that's the great thing about a partnership. If I need the help during a flare, he is willing and able to help.
Quote:
3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?
This I have no clue about. We tend to have a standing rule that if either one of us wants to make a big purchase, we discuss it with each other. Since I'm the one that does 99% of the shopping for our house, if it's something that I normally wouldn't buy, I run it by him just so he knows, not because he would have a problem with it. I consider it a common courtesy.
Ok, now I'm dying to know, is this your husband, friend, or family member you are talking about?
1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....I guess it would depend on the circumstances why one is home. Are they raising children? Caring for a parent? If it is just due to laziness, then the one who IS working is just as much to blame for allowing the situation. I knew a couple like this. He worked, she sat around. They are (thank goodness) no longer together
2. While we're on the subject, question 2 would be...how in the world can some people be so lazy and allow their mates to do ALL the work around the house? cooking, cleaning, yard/mowing, laudry, ironing, shopping for groceries....?Again, what is the other one-not cleaning doing? I think the days of HOUSEWIVES are long gone, unless it's along with being a SAHM. If there are NO kids involved and both are healthy and able to work, then both should (unless of course on has a HUGE salary)
3. Question #3 how can a mate charge all kinds of money with their charge cards, behind the other mates back...I mean thousands of dollars..???? To me and for me, this is dishonest, unfair and selfish thinking on all 3 accounts?Unacceptable...no matter what the reason...Without homesty, you have NO relationship
1. I'm starting a new thread cuz I'm curious.... why is it, in today's world, with mortgages and other costly expenses, how can a spouse or companion sit home on their butts while their wives or husbands are working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 other jobs to make ends meet? To me, that is as bad as stealing from your mate....
Wow...I guess you'd put me into that catagory.
When my husband and I got married, we made an agreement, when we paid off our credit cards, I could retire. I retired 5 years ago and I'm a stay-at-home wife; no kids. Guess you think I sit on my butt all day, eating bon-bons and watching Oprah. I'd like to tell you that that's not the case, but I think you might have already made up your mind towards people like myself.
My husband works one regular job. Normal 9-5; Mon.-Fri. so, while I'm at home, he's not working his butt off at 2 or 3 jobs, just so I can be home.
I happen to have always wanted to be a housewife. Ever since I was little. Got made fun of for it all my life too. And I'd be a millionaire if I had a quarter for every time I heard (from other women), "Oh, but you could be so much more".
My husband goes to a nice job (and by that I mean, not stressful, not hard labor) and makes some money for us to live in our house. And I stay at home working on making that house a home.
When my husband comes home from work, there's a clean house to relax in, meals to eat, clean clothes to wear, etc., and the reward of having me anticipate him coming home and having the time to think all day of ways to make him happy and feel loved when he gets here.
Our situation works out great for both of us. My husband doesn't feel ripped off that he can't stay home all day. He's actually told me that he's proud of the fact that he can make it so his wife doesn't have to work. He loves that I'm relaxed and stress-free, so there's more "play time" between us, rather than bills to go thru; money to be discussed, etc. We live comfortably; we aren't in want or need of anything.
You know... although I may not work outside the home, there are days when I'm still working around the house until like 11pm. I have a job. It's just not a traditional "job" and I don't get paid money for it. But I get paid in other ways. Ways that, to me, are worth more than money. Like the smile on my husband's face when he comes home. http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/canibeyou/love2.gif (broken link)
Last edited by canibeyou; 07-10-2007 at 05:07 PM..
As far as charging tons of things on credit cards w/o the S.O. knowing!!! http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/canibeyou/smilies5.gif (broken link) Yikes! That would be a relationship based on disrespect. A relationship that, I would assume, wouldn't stand the test of time.
just wanted to pop in and take a looksie at the replies...
thanks very much to all of your for responding...actually, I wasn't talking about a mutual agreement, or the situation where the wife or husband stays home to raise the kids...I have no problem with that, if a couple mutually agrees and they can afford it, so the working spouse has quality time to themselves to play.
The situation I'm talking about is the self imposed person who is basically using their spouse to take care of them...
Presently I have a friend who is in this situaton...and I don't know what to say to him, other then listen....I fear saying anything negative about their situation....just let him talk to blow off steam...
She is lazy, uses the child as an excuse to stay home...charges way more then she should, actually charges way more then they can handle. She refuses to get a job, and yet, upon meeting her, she possessed a very lucrative position before they were married. After they married, she up and quit.
Just goes to show ya, one should notrry for all the wrong reasons...
again...many thanks for your contributions to this thread.
Creme
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Shuke, I commend you
..we stay with my husband's mom when we go to Holland and then spend a few days in another country).
