Hey Mom & Dad...I think I'm Gay! (girlfriend, spouse, father)

[Hoosier]

You're the parent. You're teen or young 20-something comes in to talk to you and your spouse. The child shares that he/she believes they are gay.

How do you feel? Not how do you react to the child, but what are you thinking as they tell you he/she is possibly gay? Not defintely gay, but maybe. What is the true raw emotion that goes through you as you hear those words? I'm not looking for the "we love you and accept you...yadda, yadda, yadda." What are you feeling before even talking to your child or husband...what emotions would you go through that you might not share with your child or possibly your spouse.

And, since the child only thinks he/she "may" be gay what advice would you give? Would you sway them towards being gay or straight...or let them figure it out all on their own?

[moonsavvy]

I would probably say something to the effect of....


"We've always taught you that you are your own person and if that's how you believe than we still love you and are here for you. And I'm very proud of you for having the courage to tell us, even though you know we don't believe in that "lifestyle". But let's not tell uncle so and so about this...just yet anyway."

[Lisa_from_Debary]

I would be feeling deep anguish at the pain and rejection my child would be going through.

My daughter is only 10 and when she comes home to tell me that someone is teasing her, or someone on the bus is hitting her...it hurts my heart. I can't imagine how much worse it would be in a case like this.

I feel a person can't be swayed about whether they are gay or not. NOR would I try and sway my child. I would be open to what THEY thought they should do. I personally would recommend anyone in this position talk to a counselor who is used to dealing with Gay issues...and I don't mean someone who tries to pray the gay away but someone who can be supportive no matter what comes out in therapy.

My goal in life is to make sure my daughter is safe and secure...and happy of course, I see how gay people are treated and I would be twisted about how people would be treating her, name calling etc. I am the kind of Mother who would probably leap on someone in public if they started talking trash to my daughter.

[SandyCo]

Funny that you should bring this subject up... My daughter was just home for a week from college, and told me she has a girlfriend! I could tell that it was very difficult for her to bring it up with me, especially since she had had a prior experience when she was in her mid-teens that I didn't handle very well. I was concerned then that she might be experimenting, and confusing the physical feelings with genuine attraction to the other girl. She's 22 years old now, though, so I'm sure she knows her own mind. I said, "Oh, okay. Are you happy?" She nodded. "All right then. As long as you're happy, that's fine."

She defines herself as being bisexual, and is calling this relationship only temporary. She still wants to settle down with a guy, get married and have kids. I'm not sure it's going to be so easy for her to do that, though. Men and women communicate very differently, after all! I didn't tell her that, however.

Now, as for how I feel about it... Well, it was a bit of a shock, but not the worst thing she could have told me. She has always been a person who is confident and sure of herself, so even when she runs into prejudice I think she'll be okay and she won't internalize it at all.

The rest of her visit was great, and we got along very well. I was only sorry to see her go back to school last weekend; it was very difficult putting her on that plane!

[Zippy7fo]

I would say:

What can you say??? I wouldn't want my kids to be gay not out of homophobia but out of just making their life way more complicated than it has to be......

[Dancingearth]

I might be a little uncomfortable (not really sure--maybe not anymore) but I would put it aside and get over it if I were. I no longer believe that loving someone can be wrong. I would be concerned because of the difficulties they would face. I have had gay friends at work and many students at college are gay. They tell me how it hurts when their parents do not accept them.

At times I think it would be easier to be gay because of the communication thing but one book I read on relationships said that is not true. We all face the same difficulties in communicating no matter our gender.

[mainebrokerman]

Originally Posted by Dancingearth

I might be a little uncomfortable (not really sure--maybe not anymore) but I would put it aside and get over it if I were. I no longer believe that loving someone can be wrong. I would be concerned because of the difficulties they would face. I have had gay friends at work and many students at college are gay. They tell me how it hurts when their parents do not accept them.

At times I think it would be easier to be gay because of the communication thing but one book I read on relationships said that is not true. We all face the same difficulties in communicating no matter our gender.

same difficulties in communicating?? i gotta think two woman living together can communicate better than a guy and a woman,,woman are much more emotional, and id think they could pick up on subtle cues, that men dont pick up,,they gotta be more on the same frequency,
altho, id like to see two woman together, and both have pms at the same time,,do they look at each other, wish the other was dead? do they say, we never do anything, go anywheres? you think im fat?
would they both binge on a box of twinkies, glare at the other, and say "you make me this way"?
would they both deny they are having pms, and then rip each others' hair out?
or are woman just smarter than men,,they know the other is having pms,,and just leaves?

[BlueWillowPlate]

Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary

I would be feeling deep anguish at the pain and rejection my child would be going through.

Me too, but I would not be completely pessimistic, I have known many gay people, male and female, who are doing just fine. My love for him would never falter.

I feel a person can't be swayed about whether they are gay or not.

I agree with this as well, but I do remember, back in the 70's, that a few friends of mine *experimented* a bit. They were 19 or 20 years old.
Depending on how much wine they'd had, there were a couple girls who would end up playing kissy-face. They really were not gay, they were just messing around. They went on to heterosexual relationships.
OTOH
I think some young guys and girls keep waiting to feel something for the opposite gender--and then they get confused when it doesn't happen.
I agree that professional counseling could help a lot.

[Rhett_Butler]

Okay, time for the "sexist pig" to respond I guess....

I currently have one daughter and no son, but here's my honest thoughts on this. I would have an easier time dealing with it if it were my daughter as opposed to my son. I don't know why but it's my personal feelings on the matter. In a way I think as a male I naturally know what males are capable of and it scares the crap out of me that some day my daughter will be putting her trust in a man and I'll have very little to say about it. I have a natural feeling of wanting to protect my daughter while I'd imagine with a son, as he gets older, I'd be much more "well, have at it and don't do anything stupid" kind of thing.

I'm not some macho Tim "the toolman" Taylor or anything, really. I'm just an average husband and father. I think upon being told by either I would not be negative toward either one, but I think inside I'd be more crushed if it were a son. Either way it's tough because you watch your children grow up with sort of an expectation of how thier future might be and a sudden MAJOR diversion like this would be tough to swallow.

Again, I'd NEVER let on that I feel that way, but that would be my internal emotions on this matter.

[emjbulls]

I could care less. I would be much more upset if my kids came up to me and told me they were going to be Evangelicals. :P