The End of a Friendship (jealous, boyfriend, father, female)

[OngletNYC]

I had to end a friendship last night, which is unfortunate since she was my last single friend. Now I don't have another female running buddy for the occasional night of cocktails and chit chat. But I really couldn't take it anymore.

"Karen" is a single gal in her late 30s, works in the same industry as me. We've known each other for about 7-8 years. She is very interested in getting married and having children, and has very very high standards. I would characterize her as being attractive. She has a bad habit of putting people down if they disagree with her take on things. She's also obsessively competitive about men and tells me a lot of stories about aggressive women - usually foreigners - throwing themselves at guys she likes. She and I have zero interest in the same men so it hasn't been a problem (except for once, long story); also I don't think she views me as competition given my race - I am black, she is white. Frankly I think she might be a bit crazy. Here is what happened:

We met for Happy Hour yesterday evening. The first thing she brought up was that she met my assistant "Sally" at an industry Christmas party a few nights before. (Note, Sally is chinese-american.) "So I met Sally the other night. Why on earth did you hire her? You should have seen the way she hit on every man at the party. She was in their faces, it was relentless! She was really acting like a w***e." I told Karen that she had to be wrong. Sally is a very nice gal, there's no way. Karen insisted that I was dead wrong, until I pointed out that Sally got married a mere two months ago. At that point, Karen said that if she wasn't hitting on all the men, she was certainly rude and kept cutting her off in conversation. "Onglet, you just don't understand the way things work with Asian women. They are ruthless when it comes to men. I know what I am talking about and you don't. You just don't get it." I changed the subject.

Later we discussed her hiking club, a group of people who leave the city and do hikes. There are a couple of guys she likes in the group, but apparently there is a South American woman of some sort who she can't stand. They like the same guy of course. "Onglet, this woman is so jealous of me she has threatened me with physical violence." Really? I asked her to tell me the story. "We were hiking single file and I was directly behind her. Anytime I tried to pass her, she would throw her arm out to block me. It was an attempt at hitting me. She did it the entire time, she is ruthless!"

Now I know that Karen's perception is often skewed as is evidenced by her comments on Sally, as well as my one run-in with her over a man. "Are you sure she was trying to hit you? How can she know where you are in order to take a swing at you, if you were behind her?" this caused Karen to bizarrely erupt. She said that it was obvious what this woman was trying to do. "Once again you don't know what you are talking about Onglet. You aren't in tune with your body the way I am in tune with mine. You never were and never will be." This was the final straw for me, it seriously irritated me and I decided that I had enough.

I stood up and said, "That's it Karen. I can't take it anymore. I have tried and tried to be friends with you over the years, but I'm not doing it anymore. I think you are crazy and neurotic, that's the real problem. It isn't everyone else, it's you." and I walked off. On one hand, I think I may have over-reacted to the situation at hand. but my reaction was cumulative... I'd just had enough! The woman is too damn negative, I can't take it anymore!

I guess the purpose of this thread is to rant. But has anyone else ended a friendship because you couldn't take it anymore?

[rlrl]

i was going to post this topic. I'm a male, I was friends in college with another guy my age. He was as opinionated as your friend and spoke to me in the same way as your friend. We were friends for 4 years. I saw evidence of his snobbishness and elitism only a few months into the friendship at the beginning but I denied it. maybe 2 years later I called him out on it in a very nice way.

Things got worse. There was never any space in the conversation to talk about myself and everything was about him him him. I would block out and stumble over my words. Too many other details and not really worth elaborating on. When my life got worse and i dropped out of college for the second time, i ended it with him because he showed no empathy for me and i knew hanging on was just going to be worse. After i ended it, my life got better, I went back to school and finished up. To this day he has no idea where I am or what I am doing. Very sad. taught me a lesson to always call someone out whenever they are being nasty RIGHT THEN AND THERE, not in two years!!!

[Yzette]

There was one occasion when I was clear about the reasons why I distanced myself from a close friend. She wasn't the issue. Her racist, dishonest slob of a boyfriend was. This guy was just full of racist jokes. He also treated her poorly and lied to her about some pretty big things, like the fact that he had been married before and was a father. One night we were all out together: My friend, her boyfriend, my friend's sister, and my friend's sister's then-boyfriend (now husband), who was a bit of a dolt and just kind of went along with the jerk in question, egging him on. Eventually, they turned their ragging on me when I rolled my eyes and expressed my displeasure at their racist jokes.

When I got home I called my friend and said that although I still adored her, I didn't want to be anywhere near her boyfriend or her sister's boyfriend, so if outings were going to include them, I'd just as soon not be invited.

Funny thing was, my friend had met this guy when she and I were out one night. I had said he was good-looking and my friend had this habit of going after any guy I said was cute. Well, she got him.

However, the whole thing ended well. We kept in touch sporadically over the next year, although it was nothing like it was. When she found out that he had been married before and had a child--a year into the relationship--she called me up. As I'm not one to turn away someone who sounds like they need an ear, we talked.

She wound up dumping him a few months later.

Fast forward a few years to her bachelorette party before her wedding to a much better man. At true confession time, it turned out that neither her mother nor any of her friends had liked that jerk. My friend played it off with a head-smacking, "I know. What was I thinking? Folly of youth." Which, really it was.

Who knows? Maybe a few years down the line Karen will call you up and want a heart-to-heart, and you'll find out that she has come to realize that you were right. Granted, she's older than my friend was when the issue came up, but you never know.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by rlrl

i was going to post this topic. I'm a male, I was friends in college with another guy my age. He was as opinionated as your friend and spoke to me in the same way as your friend. We were friends for 4 years. I saw evidence of his snobbishness and elitism only a few months into the friendship at the beginning but I denied it. maybe 2 years later I called him out on it in a very nice way.

Things got worse. There was never any space in the conversation to talk about myself and everything was about him him him. I would block out and stumble over my words. Too many other details and not really worth elaborating on. When my life got worse and i dropped out of college for the second time, i ended it with him because he showed no empathy for me and i knew hanging on was just going to be worse. After i ended it, my life got better, I went back to school and finished up. To this day he has no idea where I am or what I am doing. Very sad. taught me a lesson to always call someone out whenever they are being nasty RIGHT THEN AND THERE, not in two years!!!

I totally hear you! Karen is an elitist snob too. I remember once, she was bitterly complaining that another friend of hers had just married a guy who probably earns about $250k a year. She explained to me exactly how wrong this was and ran down a lengthy list of negatives about her friend. Item #1: She didn't go to an Ivy League school and I did! When I pointed out to Karen that I didn't go to an Ivy league school either, what difference does it make? She said that men of real quality find Ivy grads to be superior to women who didn't attend such colleges.

Like you, I should have dumped her right then and there. At least you learned your lesson earlier in life!

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by Avienne

There was one occasion when I was clear about the reasons why I distanced myself from a close friend. She wasn't the issue. Her racist, dishonest slob of a boyfriend was. This guy was just full of racist jokes. He also treated her poorly and lied to her about some pretty big things, like the fact that he had been married before and was a father. One night we were all out together: My friend, her boyfriend, my friend's sister, and my friend's sister's then-boyfriend (now husband), who was a bit of a dolt and just kind of went along with the jerk in question, egging him on. Eventually, they turned their ragging on me when I rolled my eyes and expressed my displeasure at their racist jokes.

When I got home I called my friend and said that although I still adored her, I didn't want to be anywhere near her boyfriend or her sister's boyfriend, so if outings were going to include them, I'd just as soon not be invited.

Funny thing was, my friend had met this guy when she and I were out one night. I had said he was good-looking and my friend had this habit of going after any guy I said was cute. Well, she got him.

However, the whole thing ended well. We kept in touch sporadically over the next year, although it was nothing like it was. When she found out that he had been married before and had a child--a year into the relationship--she called me up. As I'm not one to turn away someone who sounds like they need an ear, we talked.

She wound up dumping him a few months later.

Fast forward a few years to her bachelorette party before her wedding to a much better man. At true confession time, it turned out that neither her mother nor any of her friends had liked that jerk. My friend played it off with a head-smacking, "I know. What was I thinking? Folly of youth." Which, really it was.

Who knows? Maybe a few years down the line Karen will call you up and want a heart-to-heart, and you'll find out that she has come to realize that you were right. Granted, she's older than my friend was when the issue came up, but you never know.

If my story ended the way yours did, with her calling to apologize, I'd accept her apology. Let's just say I won't hold my breath!

[chjones21]

I think you have made a nice space in your life for a better, more easy-going, funnier, happier, more normal friend...

Good for you. I am a little sorry for your friend Karen but maybe you can sorta, later stay friends in a more distant kinda way - she is HARD work.

[sydney1987]

people won't change due to external factors but only when they themselves want to

it's pointless sometimes to confront or make an appeal or beg or otherwise convince someone to change the less-than-ideal qualities that you may think they possess --- be it a friend, family member, significant other

people dont change and you are either willing to accept them as they are or you're not.

and when the person that a person is starts to impact you negatively, it's time to let go. it takes courage to let go of friendships. i know someone who keeps people in her life in case she may need to count on them later. but the way i look at it, why depend on someone who may never have your best interests in mind?

advice is tainted, help is tainted, interactions are tainted, everything is tainted. sometimes, it's best to just say goodbye.

[Mr. Humble]

Originally Posted by OngletNYC

I totally hear you! Karen is an elitist snob too. I remember once, she was bitterly complaining that another friend of hers had just married a guy who probably earns about $250k a year. She explained to me exactly how wrong this was and ran down a lengthy list of negatives about her friend. Item #1: She didn't go to an Ivy League school and I did! When I pointed out to Karen that I didn't go to an Ivy league school either, what difference does it make? She said that men of real quality find Ivy grads to be superior to women who didn't attend such colleges.

Like you, I should have dumped her right then and there. At least you learned your lesson earlier in life!

God, I can't stand people like this. Maybe it's because where I grew up if you went to college at all it was considered a big win. But I think it's the automatic translation of that sentence in my head at least that tells me that she judges people by all the wrong things.

I recently gave up on a friendship, kind of. I've known this guy forever. He is one of the nicest guys you'd ever know in a lot of ways, but has one big, deal-breaking flaw. He is nearly incapable of seeing anything in terms other than how it relates to him. You could tell him that your dog just died and he'd say, Man, that's a drag. But you know what just happened to me, I locked my keys in my car, or I got a speeding ticket, or a hang nail of mythical proportions. I say kind of, 'cause if he needs me tomorrow, I'm there. But truth is, hangin' out with him has just become a no-win, stone-breaking experience. I think people either add more to your life than they take, or they do not.

[max's mama]

"I'm perfect, it's the rest of the world that's screwed up" type of attitude that your friend has, the cattiness that she is showing towards other women would also cause me to stop a friendship with her. No-one needs to put up with this crap. You don't need to be around such toxicity.

[seeniorita]

Wow, Onglet you strike me as a "tell it like it is" kinda woman so I'm surprised your friendship lasted for as long as it did before putting her on blast!

You certainly have more patience for such personalities than I do. If anything, you've just prolonged your life-span so I would use the newfound time wisely!