U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-24-2010, 09:07 AM
 
Location: Middle America
35,817 posts, read 39,361,269 times
Reputation: 48613

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
1) Whatever the relationship is, there is no obligation to take care of anyone else's children but be aware that you might not see them very often based upon your/their limitations.
This...while grandparents aren't obligated to make time for grandkids, if they don't, there's a trade-off that comes with that, too. What I didn't get from your post was what your actual preferences are as far as time spent with them. My maternal grandparents definitely did not have room on their plate for my siblings and I...my paternal grandmother did. Consequently, we grew up to have a much stronger relationship with the grandparent who made time for us, and were emotional strangers with the ones who didn't. It is what it is, but eventually, the tables turned, and the grandparents who chose not to spend time with us were saddened by the lack of a relationship (and embittered regarding the strong relationship with our other grandmother). But it was a reaping what is sewn type of situation.

In your initial post, you seem put-out and resentful, so I'm not sure to what degree it would matter to you in regard to building strong relationships with these kids. From my observation, though, opting out of spending time with grandkids does very little to foster close relationships. It just depends on what's important to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-24-2010, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
This...while grandparents aren't obligated to make time for grandkids, if they don't, there's a trade-off that comes with that, too. What I didn't get from your post was what your actual preferences are as far as time spent with them. My maternal grandparents definitely did not have room on their plate for my siblings and I...my paternal grandmother did. Consequently, we grew up to have a much stronger relationship with the grandparent who made time for us, and were emotional strangers with the ones who didn't. It is what it is, but eventually, the tables turned, and the grandparents who chose not to spend time with us were saddened by the lack of a relationship (and embittered regarding the strong relationship with our other grandmother). But it was a reaping what is sewn type of situation.

In your initial post, you seem put-out and resentful, so I'm not sure to what degree it would matter to you in regard to building strong relationships with these kids. From my observation, though, opting out of spending time with grandkids does very little to foster close relationships. It just depends on what's important to you.
I agree that time makes a difference. I saw my paternal grandmother (went to visit her not the other way around) about once a month. I saw my maternal grandmother a few times a decade (in her defense, she had 11 kids and 63 grand children so there's only so much visiting she could take). I was much closer with my paternal grandmother.

I don't want a non-existent relationship with the grandkids but I also don't want to be expected to take one or two of them every other weekend on some kind of visitation schedule. Those seem to be my two options.

I would expect the kids will be much closer to her mother because she's there all the time and I don't begrudge that. It just has to do with familiarity. When my girls are grown and have kids and I'm retired, I'll likely spend more time with their kids than I have to spend with dss's kids now. Part of the problem is that there are 4 of them to spread time between. Soon there will be 5 and then, I'm sure, in short order, #6 plus my two.

If my kids were grown and gone, it would be different. They're not so it's not. My first priority is my own children. During the school year, I hardly have time for them (I, seriously, don't know how teachers with small children do it). Most of our "quality time" is spent in the car going from school to home or home to lessons or swim meets, band practice and games. And then there's my obligation, as a teacher, to attend games at my school. This leaves me struggling to fit my own kids in. I can handle having them over for dinner once every few weeks but that's about it. I could handle going over there every few weeks but we never get invited. What she wants is for me to pick up one or two kids on Saturday and return them on Sunday and I'm just stretched too thin for that...until summer but then she and the kids will be gone (her mother goes with her in the summer to watch the kids).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 10:10 AM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,252,313 times
Reputation: 3980
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I have a situation with dss and his wife. She's a stay at home mom who is pregnant with their 5th child. Her mom is retired and spends a lot of time with the kids (she has nothing better to do) whereas, I have a full time job and two teenagers at home so I see the kids when they come and visit. Anyway, they've decided we're lousy grandparents because we don't come and take the kids and we expect them to visit us instead of us visiting them and now we're, pretty much, cut off from seeing the grand kids. They're trying to force me to choose between not seeing the grand kids or taking them off their hands frequently and with her pregnant, I'm really on their **** list. I have NO time during the school year. I barely see my own kids.

Here's my take. I, simply, do not have the energy or the time to be taking their kids with any frequency. I have enough on my plate with my own two and my career. Plus, they're the ones who decided to have 5 kids (they want 6). So, if you choose to have more kids than you can handle, does family owe it to you to help you out? There's a reason I stopped at two. A good one. I do not need their four on top of my two.

I love my grandkids but I'm struggling with my two and my job. I don't need their kids too. Does this make me selfish?
not in my opinion it doesn't.
I think grandparents should be in the position of enjoying their grandchildren at their own convenience, not to be "put upon" for the convenience of the grandchildren's parents.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 10:22 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,674,039 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
What I feel guilty about is not seeing the grandkids. It's her way or the highway. If she were not family, she's not someone I'd have anything to do with BUT those kids are my grandkids (well my step grand kids and dh's grand kids). She's making it my fault we never see them. I'd love to write her off but I don't want to write off the kids. I'd still like to see them. I'd love to go back to having them over for dinner several times a year and getting invited to birthday parties. That's really the extent I want to be involved though because I have my own kids to raise and I have my career.

As for visiting, that's off the table right now. I'm permitted to take the kids but I've been told I'm not welcome in her home. She told dh that any relationship I have with her kids will be through dss, who is only home about twice a month. Offers to take the kids are welcome, however, those have to be on a rotating schedule so every child has the same amount of time with grandparents.

Seriously, I really don't see what dss sees in her. She's alienated him from his parents, his friends and his extended family. He no longer attends family functions and never sees my brother, who he grew up with. The drama is so bad that he's been known to go back to the job site early. He was supposed to bring the kids by the Saturday after Thanksgiving for a Thanksgiving dinner but got so ticked off with her on Friday that he drove back to the job site two days early.
Chances are they will divorce eventually as the thing with the latest child only created a temp reprieve.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia 914 View Post
not in my opinion it doesn't.
I think grandparents should be in the position of enjoying their grandchildren at their own convenience, not to be "put upon" for the convenience of the grandchildren's parents.
This is how I was raised. And it was us who went to visit them. My parents did not set the terms under which their parents could see us and they did not make their parents go out of their way to see us.

While I'd love to see the grandkids, I can't accept her terms. Dh agrees. It's too much to ask. I think she knows it's too much to ask. This is just her way of cutting us out of the picture. She's already cut the rest of dss's friends and family. We're the last hold out. What I don't get is why he puts up with it.

He's kind of stuck in the marriage. With 5 small children, one has to wonder what type of guy she'd end up dating. I remember reading somewhere that the odds of a daughter being sexually abused goes up 40 fold if mom starts dating and she would date. She's an attention seeker. She's had old boyfriends sending her gifts while married to dss and blames him because he doesn't pay enough attention to her. He got so mad when he realized she was texting old boyfriends that he cut his wedding ring into 12 pieces and left it in her coffee cup for her to find the next morning. (That was when they split up and I'm accused of not supporting her. Seriously, she did NOT want to hear what I would have had to say.)

You know what? It is what it is. I am not willing to do what she wants me to do so the price will be what the price is. I wish it were different but it isn't. I need to concentrate on raising my two right now. As of today, I'm mom to not one but TWO teenaged girls . This is why my hair is gray.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,708,331 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
Chances are they will divorce eventually as the thing with the latest child only created a temp reprieve.
I don't know if I hope you're right or wrong. I do feel this child was a mistake. If they do separate now, dss will, literally, not know one of his kids.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 12:01 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,674,039 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
This is how I was raised. And it was us who went to visit them. My parents did not set the terms under which their parents could see us and they did not make their parents go out of their way to see us.

While I'd love to see the grandkids, I can't accept her terms. Dh agrees. It's too much to ask. I think she knows it's too much to ask. This is just her way of cutting us out of the picture. She's already cut the rest of dss's friends and family. We're the last hold out. What I don't get is why he puts up with it.

He's kind of stuck in the marriage. With 5 small children, one has to wonder what type of guy she'd end up dating. I remember reading somewhere that the odds of a daughter being sexually abused goes up 40 fold if mom starts dating and she would date. She's an attention seeker. She's had old boyfriends sending her gifts while married to dss and blames him because he doesn't pay enough attention to her. He got so mad when he realized she was texting old boyfriends that he cut his wedding ring into 12 pieces and left it in her coffee cup for her to find the next morning. (That was when they split up and I'm accused of not supporting her. Seriously, she did NOT want to hear what I would have had to say.)

You know what? It is what it is. I am not willing to do what she wants me to do so the price will be what the price is. I wish it were different but it isn't. I need to concentrate on raising my two right now. As of today, I'm mom to not one but TWO teenaged girls . This is why my hair is gray.

You obviously did something bad in a past life
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 12:03 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,674,039 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I don't know if I hope you're right or wrong. I do feel this child was a mistake. If they do separate now, dss will, literally, not know one of his kids.

Most likely the child was an attempt to "heal" things...i have seen this often before. And it does bring the couple closer for a small time....but in the end having a baby can't heal problems you already have. Eh it really depends on the state and if he is the sole montery winner....chances are they will get joint custody....but i have seen cases where the father gets custody because the mother can't provide adequately for them as she has no job...depends on the judge really.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
20,014 posts, read 20,514,746 times
Reputation: 20369
Quote:
As of today, I'm mom to not one but TWO teenaged girls . This is why my hair is gray.
I'd say that would do it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 12:12 PM
 
Location: North Western NJ
6,591 posts, read 19,777,789 times
Reputation: 9524
i would say you are absolutly NOT to feel guilty about this...

i mean ok if it was a case of hey we come see you all the time come visit us...fine...
but from the intial post i get the feelign they expect you to TAKE the kids for them...

i dont personally feel any grandparent is an automatic built in babysitter and your intial post makes it sound like thats what they are looking for.

youve got enough on your plate with your own family...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top