U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-24-2010, 01:12 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,736,370 times
Reputation: 14499

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
Most likely the child was an attempt to "heal" things...i have seen this often before. And it does bring the couple closer for a small time....but in the end having a baby can't heal problems you already have. Eh it really depends on the state and if he is the sole montery winner....chances are they will get joint custody....but i have seen cases where the father gets custody because the mother can't provide adequately for them as she has no job...depends on the judge really.
I've been scratching my head over this baby since they told us and they didn't tell us we found out from a friend. Things have not been good between them since the ex boyfriend thing and he keeps talking about divorce when he does visit.

He has no hope of custody. He works in construction and travels the country. He, literally, has no home base. If they do divorce, she'd get half his check in child support and then alimony on top of it. One of the things the lawyer warned him about when he filed a year and half ago is that hitting the 7 year mark means she's entitled to more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-24-2010, 01:17 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,681,014 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I've been scratching my head over this baby since they told us and they didn't tell us we found out from a friend. Things have not been good between them since the ex boyfriend thing and he keeps talking about divorce when he does visit.

He has no hope of custody. He works in construction and travels the country. He, literally, has no home base. If they do divorce, she'd get half his check in child support and then alimony on top of it. One of the things the lawyer warned him about when he filed a year and half ago is that hitting the 7 year mark means she's entitled to more.

Actually believe it or not most of the time alimony is not awarded. Unless he agrees to it she will get it temporary until she can get on his feet. He should look into finding a job that allows him a more permanent home base though...if he does then neither child support of custody will be an issue.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 01:48 PM
 
Location: One foot in CT one in KS
2,194 posts, read 2,906,278 times
Reputation: 6553
"And yes, you are insulting and it is obvious you intended to be so."

You asked and I gave the best advice I had to offer while not just giving you what you wanted to hear in saying that you were 100% in the right in this situation, you go girl, ditto etc. because honestly I don't see it that way. There was no intent to inflame.

It seems that #3 was what you found upsetting, the rest being unaddressed. Seriously, I find that many if not most people really underestimate the time spent in front of the keyboard on websites such as CD or other social media (and granted, television) whilst saying that they are pressed for time in their life, letting more important things slide. If that observation doesn't fit you, then fine, it doesn't fit, but given your response and how upsetting that you found the commentary on CD posting time, I might have hit a raw nerve.

It's your life. You asked for opinions on the situation and I rendered mine in good faith based upon the information that you gave in your initial post. I did tap into the underlying hostility around the situation after reading further information given in rebuttal to several posts and you do have a right to be upset to a degree but it's not really about you or those ridiculously assuming parents, it's about those kids. I stand by my earlier advice. If you can't find a way to get past your feelings and make peace or make time you will likely lose them in the bargain.

Again no intent to offend and your mileage may vary.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Texas
2,329 posts, read 6,139,846 times
Reputation: 1579
Hey the way I see it... is.. you are raising yours.. let them raise theirs.. I raised mine.. it is time for me.. and if someone says that I am being selfish for that.. screw em.. they dont live in my shoes.. I put my 20 years in and dont need to spend another 20 raising someone elses kids just because they want 6...

I tell this to all of my kids and their grand kids.. I brought my kids into this world... so I took care of them.. I however had no time or effort into bringing the grand kids in.. that was my kids and their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband (whatever). They need to raise them.. not me.. I will visit them when I can and they can always come visit me whenever they feel like it (provided they give me a phone call to make me aware they are coming).

Here is the stupid thing.. obviously AK-Cathy has no life other then their family.. some of us have more then just going from one kid to another.. yeah.. do the grandkids need time? Sure they do.. but remember .. it was the grandkids mother and father that brought them into the world.. not the grandmother and grandfather.. the grandparents did their time in raising kids.. go Ivory.. make time for yourself and your husband/boyfriend/partner and dont worry about the people who always try to make their problems your problem. Have a good time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 09:22 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,736,370 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Man in SATX View Post
Hey the way I see it... is.. you are raising yours.. let them raise theirs.. I raised mine.. it is time for me.. and if someone says that I am being selfish for that.. screw em.. they dont live in my shoes.. I put my 20 years in and dont need to spend another 20 raising someone elses kids just because they want 6...

I tell this to all of my kids and their grand kids.. I brought my kids into this world... so I took care of them.. I however had no time or effort into bringing the grand kids in.. that was my kids and their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband (whatever). They need to raise them.. not me.. I will visit them when I can and they can always come visit me whenever they feel like it (provided they give me a phone call to make me aware they are coming).

Here is the stupid thing.. obviously AK-Cathy has no life other then their family.. some of us have more then just going from one kid to another.. yeah.. do the grandkids need time? Sure they do.. but remember .. it was the grandkids mother and father that brought them into the world.. not the grandmother and grandfather.. the grandparents did their time in raising kids.. go Ivory.. make time for yourself and your husband/boyfriend/partner and dont worry about the people who always try to make their problems your problem. Have a good time.
Thanks. One thing I keep coming back to is I'm not the one who decided to have five kids and now feels familiy owes her help because she decided to have five kids. A big part of me thinks "You made this bed now lie in it". I didn't have a say so in the number of kids she had. Dss wanted to stop after two but caves when she's pleading for another baby. He really needs to visit his doctor and take care of this problem once and for all.

It's not that I don't care. It's that I don't care to do what she wants me to do. I don't have the time and if I did have the time I don't think I would anyway. After all, these are her kids to raise not mine. I wouldn't mind visiting now and again and them visiting now and again but that, apparently, isn't good enough.

Some battles just aren't worth fighting. I love my grandkids but I can't get around their, unreasonable, mother. Dss is just trying to keep peace in his family. I guess I'll have to settle for seeing the kids when he brings them by. You know if they'd stopped at two this would be a whole lot easier but they didn't ask me. I have my life to live and they're just going to have to deal with that and I'm just going to have to let it go. I hate that the kids are in the middle but there isn't much I can do about that. She does not get what it's like to work and have kids. I'm not sure where she thinks I'm going to find the time to do more than visit for an hour now and again (which I'm not allowed to do anyway so it's moot) and she's not going to bring the kids over to visit.

I talked to my family about this tonight and they think it has nothing to do with how much/little we were seeing the kids. They think it's a power trip because we told her to butt out of a situation with dd#1 that she was making worse. I started checking dd's phone and facebook logs and every time she threatened suicide she had been talking to ddil. When she was in a good mood, there was no contact. At first we thought she was turning to ddil when she felt suicidal but it became apparent, over time, that the threats of suicide came after talking to ddil so we told her to butt out and let dd's counselor handle the situation. She blew up and informed me that she is dd's "ONLY HOPE" and that she'd been taking bets for years as to when my kids would want to move in with her. I suspect she was trying to convince dd to move in with her (perhaps to have a built in baby sitter???) and now that her influence is out of the picture, dd is doing much better. I see my daughter reemerging from a cloud and her counseling sessions have gone from weekly to monthly and are about to go to bi monthly.

I think she knows her demands are unreasonable and it's just her way of cutting us out of dss's life like she's cut everyone else out of his life. Among other things, she's mad that I would not let her take my daughter on vacation to baby sit last summer (during the height of the issues wiht dd after I'd told her to butt out of the situation with dd). She didn't get her way and she's going to stomp her feet. I'm not going to win but the grandkids lose and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that I'm not going to know them at all but that is her choice. I have to take care of my family and my career. Anyone else gets what's left over and that is not much with two teenagers in the house and a 60+ hour a week job. I'll just have to wait until my girls have kids to have grandkids I can actually get to know.

I do find it amazing that she thinks she has the right to deliver ultimatims. She knows I don't cave to them. I think my family is right. This is her way of cutting us out of the picture. If they don't come by with the kids tomorrow, I'll mail their Christmas presents on Monday. If they want to visit us...if they think a relationship with grandparents is important...they know where we live.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 12-24-2010 at 09:52 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,736,370 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
"And yes, you are insulting and it is obvious you intended to be so."

You asked and I gave the best advice I had to offer while not just giving you what you wanted to hear in saying that you were 100% in the right in this situation, you go girl, ditto etc. because honestly I don't see it that way. There was no intent to inflame.

It seems that #3 was what you found upsetting, the rest being unaddressed. Seriously, I find that many if not most people really underestimate the time spent in front of the keyboard on websites such as CD or other social media (and granted, television) whilst saying that they are pressed for time in their life, letting more important things slide. If that observation doesn't fit you, then fine, it doesn't fit, but given your response and how upsetting that you found the commentary on CD posting time, I might have hit a raw nerve.

It's your life. You asked for opinions on the situation and I rendered mine in good faith based upon the information that you gave in your initial post. I did tap into the underlying hostility around the situation after reading further information given in rebuttal to several posts and you do have a right to be upset to a degree but it's not really about you or those ridiculously assuming parents, it's about those kids. I stand by my earlier advice. If you can't find a way to get past your feelings and make peace or make time you will likely lose them in the bargain.

Again no intent to offend and your mileage may vary.
Do you really not get how time works? Posting involves 10 minutes here and there scattered through the day. It's not a big block of time that can be used for something else and you can't save time up to use later. You act like I log in in the morning and never leave my keyboard so I explained to you how I post. You're upset about 8000+ posts in 2.5 years which is less than 10 posts per day. Exactly, HOW is this contributing to not having time to take my grandkids for the weekend? It's not.

Yes, I choose to post. So what? It's irrelevent to the situation I'm discussing because all that would happen if I stopped posting today is I'd have these 10 minute blocks I used for posting scattered throughout my week. That would not give me hours of time to go rent a car so I can pick up the grandkids and keep them for the weekend.

Time can't be banked like money in a jar to be used when you've accumulated enough of it. It doesn't work that way. And even if it did, 10 posts a day is hardly excessive. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill for only the purpose of trying to insult. Nice.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 09:49 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,179 posts, read 14,276,689 times
Reputation: 14787
As a grandparent and as a parent, you absolutely are not obligated in any way to take the grandchildren off their parents' hands overnight, weekends, or any other time. You should be permitted to visit with them in a reasonable manner/frequency - be it an afternoon, lunch, or a Sunday dinner in their home or yours; depending of course on how close you all live to each other.

Your stepson's wife is being unreasonable and her attempt to take advantage of you is hurting her children. YOU can do nothing about that. I would, however, counter her demand with one of your own - that you be allowed to see the children for a period of 3-4 hours on a weekend every other month, if you are willing to make the time for that. It shows that you wish to remain in contact with them but does not allow her to abuse you in the process. I would send this in a letter to her - e-mail or snail-mail. Keep a copy. If it ever comes down to trying to exercise your grandparent's rights, you will need it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-24-2010, 10:41 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,736,370 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
As a grandparent and as a parent, you absolutely are not obligated in any way to take the grandchildren off their parents' hands overnight, weekends, or any other time. You should be permitted to visit with them in a reasonable manner/frequency - be it an afternoon, lunch, or a Sunday dinner in their home or yours; depending of course on how close you all live to each other.

Your stepson's wife is being unreasonable and her attempt to take advantage of you is hurting her children. YOU can do nothing about that. I would, however, counter her demand with one of your own - that you be allowed to see the children for a period of 3-4 hours on a weekend every other month, if you are willing to make the time for that. It shows that you wish to remain in contact with them but does not allow her to abuse you in the process. I would send this in a letter to her - e-mail or snail-mail. Keep a copy. If it ever comes down to trying to exercise your grandparent's rights, you will need it.
That's good advice. As long as dss is alive, we would not be cut off from the kids but if he were to die, we'd never see them again. I'm not even sure a letter would help then. I don't think courts go against the mother's wishes in cases like this wihtout good reason. Dss is well insured so she and her mother would be taken care of for life and she wouldn't need help from us.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-25-2010, 01:00 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,382,948 times
Reputation: 8956
How does your husband feel about it? It might make more of a difference to him, since those are his biological grandchildren. It sounds like you just don't have much of an interest in the step-grandkids . . . otherwise I am sure you could eek out a day to go see them once in awhile . . .not saying you should drop everything to be their mom's slave, but if you wanted to stay in touch with them you could go pick them up and take them to the zoo or a out to dinner or what-have-you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-25-2010, 03:14 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 6,998,185 times
Reputation: 3657
You're not obligated... She was the one who had the kids, not you...

But don't you *want* to bend just a little if that's what it takes to get to see your grandchildren?

If you could forget for a moment that you don't like their mother, and think about them? You have four - soon to be five - grandchildren who want a relationship with you. Does it really matter all that much if you don't get along with their mother?

And just for the record, I agree with those who think the "dear" acronyms make your posts harder to understand.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top