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Old 12-25-2010, 04:48 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495

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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
Actually believe it or not most of the time alimony is not awarded. Unless he agrees to it she will get it temporary until she can get on his feet. He should look into finding a job that allows him a more permanent home base though...if he does then neither child support of custody will be an issue.
Not in Wayne county Michigan. According to his lawyer, she has a 50% chance of getting a judge who will see her as the victim because she's a stay at home mom and him as the big bad husband taking away her lifestyle. I've heard this before. My own custody battle with my kids was difficult, in spite of my husband's drinking problem, because we got a judge who didn't like working moms.

He has been told she will get alimony and she will get half of his paycheck in child support and there isn't much he can do about it. Because he travels for work, he won't get joint physical custody. He'll get joint WRT decision making but not time. Unfortunately, there is no work in Michigan and he has to travel to pay the bills (construction supervisor). Fortunately, he makes a very good living doing it but he's pretty much screwed for the next 18 years with another one on the way.

She'll get alimony for 4 years and he'll have to cover her medical insurance and she'll get 20% of his pay in child support for the first child and then 10% for each additional child up to a maximum of 50% of his pay. This 5th child means that instead of seeing a 20% reduction in child support in 8 years, it will be 12 years before the first reduction. This is regardless of anything she earns since she will be the custodial parent. If she does go to work, he gets half of the day care bill on top of everything he's already paying. Day care for 5 kids pretty much means a nanny but she has no skills so I don't see her going to work any time soon. Her half of the day care bill is, probably, more than she'd earn but she will have an issue with medical insurance once he's no longer carrying her.

He can't afford a divorce. Not with 5 kids. His only saving grace is the company puts him up when he's on the road and he's on the road all the time so he doesn't actually need a place of his own.

(And for the posting police (not you), it's before 7:00 on Christmas morning, I can't sleep and the kids aren't up yet, so yeah, I'm posting and the time I'm using to do so does not in any way impact my ability to see my grand kids.)
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Old 12-25-2010, 05:05 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
How does your husband feel about it? It might make more of a difference to him, since those are his biological grandchildren. It sounds like you just don't have much of an interest in the step-grandkids . . . otherwise I am sure you could eek out a day to go see them once in awhile . . .not saying you should drop everything to be their mom's slave, but if you wanted to stay in touch with them you could go pick them up and take them to the zoo or a out to dinner or what-have-you.
My husband is ticked off about it but he says I cannot do what she wants and he's right. I have enough on my plate with my own kids and my job.

My interest in my grandkids is typical grandma. I'd like to see them for a visit once a month or so. I'd like to keep contact but I'm not interested in regularly scheduled over night stays at grandmas house. I wouldn't mind doing them in the summer but she, usually, travels to wherever dss is in the summer so they're not here.

Actually, I can only pick up two grandkids at a time to go to the zoo or something. My vehicle only seats six. We could take a drawing to see who from my family gets to go as I do have one seat left after I put her four kids in my van but my van has been in the shop since September so I don't even have that now. I would, literaly, have to rent a full sized van if I wanted to take a trip to the zoo with her four kids, my two and dh or take two cars.

You have to remember that while she has 4 kids, I end up with a total of 6 kids when I add her four to my two. That makes the logistics of going anywhere to do anything difficult or expensive.
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Old 12-25-2010, 05:18 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
You're not obligated... She was the one who had the kids, not you...

But don't you *want* to bend just a little if that's what it takes to get to see your grandchildren?

If you could forget for a moment that you don't like their mother, and think about them? You have four - soon to be five - grandchildren who want a relationship with you. Does it really matter all that much if you don't get along with their mother?

And just for the record, I agree with those who think the "dear" acronyms make your posts harder to understand.
Define bend a little? I do not mind them coming here for a Sunday afternoon visit and dinner once a month. I wouldn't mind going there for a visit but neither of those options is on the table. She wants us taking her kids for overnight stays. At the moment, I can't even pick up all four of them, legally anyway, in my car. If I took two at a time, and wanted to see them each once a month, I just signed up for having grand kids over every other weekend. It's like a custody arrangement form the 60's.

If I didn't have kids of my own at home, this could be workable but I do. One's in swim and track, the other's in marching band, both take private music lessons and my job requires that I attend one out of every four school events. With the car situation, someone has to stay home if we decide to go somewhere with two grand kids.

So please, define bend a little.
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Old 12-25-2010, 08:20 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,690,207 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I have a situation with dss and his wife. She's a stay at home mom who is pregnant with their 5th child. Her mom is retired and spends a lot of time with the kids (she has nothing better to do) whereas, I have a full time job and two teenagers at home so I see the kids when they come and visit. Anyway, they've decided we're lousy grandparents because we don't come and take the kids and we expect them to visit us instead of us visiting them and now we're, pretty much, cut off from seeing the grand kids. They're trying to force me to choose between not seeing the grand kids or taking them off their hands frequently and with her pregnant, I'm really on their **** list. I have NO time during the school year. I barely see my own kids.

Here's my take. I, simply, do not have the energy or the time to be taking their kids with any frequency. I have enough on my plate with my own two and my career. Plus, they're the ones who decided to have 5 kids (they want 6). So, if you choose to have more kids than you can handle, does family owe it to you to help you out? There's a reason I stopped at two. A good one. I do not need their four on top of my two.

I love my grandkids but I'm struggling with my two and my job. I don't need their kids too. Does this make me selfish?
Why would a stay-at-home mother need help from a working person with the kids?

A stay-at-home mother certainly should be able to handle the kids she has - so no - you don't owe them anything and if this couple wants to be this way, make sure you recheck your will.

Parents owe their kids independence when the the kids become adults. The best thing a parent can do is prepare the child for adulthood and self-reliance. It sounds like the other mother spoiled her and keeps her dependent and lazy.
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Old 12-25-2010, 08:25 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,690,207 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
You're not obligated... She was the one who had the kids, not you...

But don't you *want* to bend just a little if that's what it takes to get to see your grandchildren?

If you could forget for a moment that you don't like their mother, and think about them? You have four - soon to be five - grandchildren who want a relationship with you. Does it really matter all that much if you don't get along with their mother?

And just for the record, I agree with those who think the "dear" acronyms make your posts harder to understand.
I think "bending" to manipulation makes someone an enabler. It's not as though the daughter-in-law works a job or anything and why she doesn't want her own kids around indicates a problem.

No grandparent should be required to take the kids for long periods of time if they don't want to for whatever reason. Of course some grandparents would take the kids 24-7 for weeks at a time, they would take the kids in completely which is fine but it really should be up to the grandparents.

Expecting a grandmother to show up to work tired or give up entire weekends off because she works while the mother doesn't is absurd.
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Old 12-25-2010, 10:08 AM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
15,370 posts, read 25,567,363 times
Reputation: 19641
We have 6 kids and I would think it very rude to put requirements, restrictions, or make rules for others because of how we want to live. It was a choice for my wife and I to have 6 kids. It was our choice and we don't force anyone to take responsability for our choice. My parents live 7 hours away and as they are both in their 70's now and living on a fixed income I wouldn't force them to come visit us. My dad isn't into the cool coastal weather anymore and the last time he visisted his body didn't feel to good. People can feel free to make their own choices. They just shouldn't feel that they have the right to make others responsible in some way for those choices.
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Old 12-25-2010, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Why would a stay-at-home mother need help from a working person with the kids?

A stay-at-home mother certainly should be able to handle the kids she has - so no - you don't owe them anything and if this couple wants to be this way, make sure you recheck your will.

Parents owe their kids independence when the the kids become adults. The best thing a parent can do is prepare the child for adulthood and self-reliance. It sounds like the other mother spoiled her and keeps her dependent and lazy.
Seriously, I think this is about attention. I think she likes to be pregnant and the mother of an infant for the attention. Me taking her kids off of her hands would be tantamount to my admitting she has a much harder life than I do. I think it's about attention. Not for her kids but for her. The kids are just caught in the middle and the more she has, the less likely I become to be very involved at all because if I can't do for all, I can't do for one. Especially when they live in the same house.

I think her mom just doesn't have anything better to do. She's in her late 50's, still healthy, retired and living alone. I think her grandkids are her thing to do and that is fine. With all the help she gets from her mom, I have to wonder about requests for more from me. She plays it like she's comparing grandmothers but I really think it runs deeper than that. I think she's still ticked off because she was told to stay out of the situation with my daughter and didn't like it (again attention...she sees herself as my daughter's ONLY hope and us as fools for not realizing this -- gee the more I talk about her the more I think she could use dd's counselor more than dd needs her.)

Anyway, they are not coming over this weekend so I'll be packing up Christmas presents and mailing them on Monday. I'm not welcom at her house. I'm still trying to figure out how SHE'S mad at me for telling her to let dd's counselor deal with dd's issues . She's never raised a teenaged girl, doesn't live with dd, doesn't even know what dd's diagnosis is and isn't a couselor and she's mad at ME for telling her to butt out because whatever she was saying to dd was more like throwing gasoline on a fire than helping. Something is very wrong here. One good thing is she's no longer an influence in my daughter's life and my daughter is improving because of it. Part of my reisitance to "bend" here is I don't want my daughter back in the dark place she was in when she was talking to my daughter in law. That was very scary. There were times when I was afraid my daughter might not make it. A relationship with my grand kids is a distant second to that.

Just wanted to add that my daugther in law claims that my daughters improvement is her doing even though we saw only a spiral downward when she was talking to my daughter. It was only after we cut off contact that my daughter started to improve and then she got worse before she got better. Must be the residual effect from her wonderful advice .

I've made up my mind. If this is her ultimatim, I'll be mailing Christmas and birthday cards and see the kids on the rare occaision that dss is home and comes by to visit. It is what it is. Unfortunately, my kids miss her kids. I miss them too but I'd rather not go there.
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Old 12-25-2010, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by SOON2BNSURPRISE View Post
We have 6 kids and I would think it very rude to put requirements, restrictions, or make rules for others because of how we want to live. It was a choice for my wife and I to have 6 kids. It was our choice and we don't force anyone to take responsability for our choice. My parents live 7 hours away and as they are both in their 70's now and living on a fixed income I wouldn't force them to come visit us. My dad isn't into the cool coastal weather anymore and the last time he visisted his body didn't feel to good. People can feel free to make their own choices. They just shouldn't feel that they have the right to make others responsible in some way for those choices.
That's the way I feel. I never once asked my in laws to take my kids. There were times they offered, when they were younger, and took my step sons (one of which was a realy handful) for a weekend or even a week at times but we never asked or expected. We appreaciated when they did. Of course they were retired with no kids of their own at home and in a different place than I am right now. In 6 years when I've shipped both of mine off to college, maybe things will be different.
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Old 12-25-2010, 09:24 PM
 
5,703 posts, read 15,481,614 times
Reputation: 8514
I find it amusing that you are being attacked for being on city-data too much when some go to the trouble and analyze how many posts you make a day. Now that seems like a huge waste of time to me.
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Old 12-26-2010, 01:12 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 6,987,397 times
Reputation: 3657
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
So please, define bend a little.
If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you'll figure it out.

Right now you're more interested in dissecting your relationship with their mother, and that's fine, rant away. But when you start to miss the kids, you'll figure out how to see them.
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