Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I find it amusing that you are being attacked for being on city-data too much when some go to the trouble and analyze how many posts you make a day. Now that seems like a huge waste of time to me.
Yeah. It's even funnier when it happens with someone who takes the time to dig out posts I did two years ago to try and prove a point . Like how much time did that take?
Seriously, is an average of 9 point whatever posts a day excessive? (I should start a poll...no wait, that means posting and pushing up my post count ) At an average of 5 minutes per post (I, generally, only try to keep up on the threads I'm posting on so it's not like I spend hours reading the board) that works out to less time than I would have spent outside to have a smoke back when I smoked. I doubt anyone would have told me that if I quit smoking I'd find these huge chunks of time to go get the grandkids and do things with them .
You know, I really wish you could bank time and use it later. Just have a jar of time on my desk like that jar of change on my dresser. Just take some out when you need a little extra... I'm afraid the clock ticks on no matter what you do with your time and not doing one thing with it (like posting) just results in you doing another thing with it or nothing with it but it's gone. It doesn't show up on the weekend as this chunk of time to go do something fun with the grand kids with.
If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, you'll figure it out.
Right now you're more interested in dissecting your relationship with their mother, and that's fine, rant away. But when you start to miss the kids, you'll figure out how to see them.
Actually, I don't see that happening. There are some things I do not control and this is one of them. I don't like it, but it's not in my power to do anything about it. In time, dss might but he tends to just want to keep peace at home and he has to deal with her on a daily basis so I don't blame him.
The ball is really in her court. We'll see the kids if/when she decides we will. And we'll live with it either way. As frustrating at this is, I just don't control this. I have a stong desire to control my own life and don't take kindly to ultimatims on how I'll spend it if I had extra time. This is nothing but a power play but it's one she wins because I don't have the power to change it. So, I'll start mailing birthday/christmas cards and presents and if/when dss thinks the kids need to see us, they'll see us.
Some things we do not control. This is one of them.
This is really just venting about a situation I don't control. It's not fair but no one ever said life was. It's her call, which I hate, but it's her call.
"And yes, you are insulting and it is obvious you intended to be so."
You asked and I gave the best advice I had to offer while not just giving you what you wanted to hear in saying that you were 100% in the right in this situation, you go girl, ditto etc. because honestly I don't see it that way. There was no intent to inflame.
It seems that #3 was what you found upsetting, the rest being unaddressed. Seriously, I find that many if not most people really underestimate the time spent in front of the keyboard on websites such as CD or other social media (and granted, television) whilst saying that they are pressed for time in their life, letting more important things slide. If that observation doesn't fit you, then fine, it doesn't fit, but given your response and how upsetting that you found the commentary on CD posting time, I might have hit a raw nerve.
It's your life. You asked for opinions on the situation and I rendered mine in good faith based upon the information that you gave in your initial post. I did tap into the underlying hostility around the situation after reading further information given in rebuttal to several posts and you do have a right to be upset to a degree but it's not really about you or those ridiculously assuming parents, it's about those kids. I stand by my earlier advice. If you can't find a way to get past your feelings and make peace or make time you will likely lose them in the bargain.
Again no intent to offend and your mileage may vary.
Initially I was taken aback by your arrogance towards the OP, in reality you know nothing about her time management, so to call her on time spent at this forum didn't make a whole lot of sense.
Looks to me like you have your own "raw nerve" as it pertains to her situation.... my guess is you have an ax to grind with a stepmother somewhere. You said:
Quote:
it's about those kids
and told the OP if SHE can't "make peace" then she will
Quote:
likely lose them
No, it's not about the kids.
It's about the OP not feeling obligated to submit to the immature demands of her stepsons wife. Looks to me like the daughter in law is looking for nothing more than a free babysitter. The reality is the OP owes them NOTHING.
To the OP:
Tell the goofy daughter in law to shove her ultimatum. If she cares about her kids she will not stand in the way of whatever relationship they may develop with other extended family. If she decides to maintain her temper tantrum because she is not getting enough free help, then so be it. That is her problem, not yours.
If your family are good to you, be good to them. Only a sociopath would probably say otherwise. lol
I think to some degree, people should be obligated to those who raise them, especially if it is good raising. If this means feeding or clothing, or even accommodation, so be it.
I kind of see both sides of this one. I don't blame you for not being able to be a regular babysitter for the kids. No one should expect anyone else to take care of their kids and you are under no obligation to do so. It's terribly rude for her to even suggest that.
The one point I kind of disagree on is the issue of expecting them to visit you, instead of you visiting them more. If you have two teenagers (who could even stay home alone when needed), it seems like it would be easier for you to visit on occasion than having her get four kids in the car (soon to be 5) while she's pregnant. I wonder if something that's half and half would be easier?
I have a situation with dss and his wife. She's a stay at home mom who is pregnant with their 5th child. Her mom is retired and spends a lot of time with the kids (she has nothing better to do) whereas, I have a full time job and two teenagers at home so I see the kids when they come and visit. Anyway, they've decided we're lousy grandparents because we don't come and take the kids and we expect them to visit us instead of us visiting them and now we're, pretty much, cut off from seeing the grand kids. They're trying to force me to choose between not seeing the grand kids or taking them off their hands frequently and with her pregnant, I'm really on their **** list. I have NO time during the school year. I barely see my own kids.
Here's my take. I, simply, do not have the energy or the time to be taking their kids with any frequency. I have enough on my plate with my own two and my career. Plus, they're the ones who decided to have 5 kids (they want 6). So, if you choose to have more kids than you can handle, does family owe it to you to help you out? There's a reason I stopped at two. A good one. I do not need their four on top of my two.
I love my grandkids but I'm struggling with my two and my job. I don't need their kids too. Does this make me selfish?
How much do they plan to pay you for babysitting. I am just trying to make a point. Babysitting is a paid job and you already have one. Teenagers and a career are more than a full time job. Your job is to raise those teens to become responsible citizens. Wonder what happened to that other one.
If you choose to ask for time with their children, it would be a different matter, but you should not be considered an on-command babysitter. I will say that you probably should go see them instead of their coming to see you. Think about what it takes to put that many children in a car. Tell them that you do not want to intrude and ask when it would be best to visit, when they are home.
We like to give our children a little break with their one and two children. It takes both of us to manage a 2 and 4 year old long enough for our son and his wife to go out for coffee. They appreciate just that. I cannot imagine taking on 4 or 5 children when you have no authority. I enjoy seeing our grandchildren without their parents. You can really get to know them. Our other grandchild used to come and stay with us for a week, but she is a teenager now and does not want to leave her friends. We expect to see her back in our lives when she goes to college. She is thinking about living with us and going to one of our local colleges. That would be great because she is a delight to have around.
I kind of see both sides of this one. I don't blame you for not being able to be a regular babysitter for the kids. No one should expect anyone else to take care of their kids and you are under no obligation to do so. It's terribly rude for her to even suggest that.
The one point I kind of disagree on is the issue of expecting them to visit you, instead of you visiting them more. If you have two teenagers (who could even stay home alone when needed), it seems like it would be easier for you to visit on occasion than having her get four kids in the car (soon to be 5) while she's pregnant. I wonder if something that's half and half would be easier?
Whether it's easier or not really depends on what she'd have to do to get ready for company. We, usually, fix dinner for them when they do come over. I'm not expecting her to but with 5 kids, just getting the house presentable might be more of an issue than putting 5 kids into car seats.
I've always thought it rude to invite yourself over to someone elses house. We go if they extend an invitation but don't ask to visit. We figure they'll call if they want us to come visit. We extend invitations to come to our house.
I don't have a problem visiting them but I'd expect an invitation. Especially since she's pretty much banned me from the house until I learn to be a better grandmother (translation, take the kids for, regularly scheduled visits like her mom does.) The interesting thing here is that the schedule with her mom came about because of favoritism. Her mom tended to take one child more than the others (the one who is easy to handle). So the schedule. Now, I'm a bad grandma because I don't have a schedule.
I don't have any issue visiting them but I would expect them to extend the invitation. After all, it is their house. I doubt she'll be extending invitations any time soon. Though that may change after the baby is born since she'll, likely be wanting more help. I'm sure her mom will come to stay for a while but, after she leaves, she'll have one more child to take care of and she seems to be struggling with four and the liberal visitation schedule with her mom. Her mom is not likely to take the kids more than two at a time. Usually, she takes only one of them at a time.
Seriously, my mom used to pack all six of us in the car and go visit her mom. I'm not sure what the issue is there. Mom would never have expected her mom to come visit us. It was never said but it was clear that this was an issue of respect. You just didn't tell your elders what to do.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 12-29-2010 at 01:15 PM..
How much do they plan to pay you for babysitting. I am just trying to make a point. Babysitting is a paid job and you already have one. Teenagers and a career are more than a full time job. Your job is to raise those teens to become responsible citizens. Wonder what happened to that other one.
If you choose to ask for time with their children, it would be a different matter, but you should not be considered an on-command babysitter. I will say that you probably should go see them instead of their coming to see you. Think about what it takes to put that many children in a car. Tell them that you do not want to intrude and ask when it would be best to visit, when they are home.
We like to give our children a little break with their one and two children. It takes both of us to manage a 2 and 4 year old long enough for our son and his wife to go out for coffee. They appreciate just that. I cannot imagine taking on 4 or 5 children when you have no authority. I enjoy seeing our grandchildren without their parents. You can really get to know them. Our other grandchild used to come and stay with us for a week, but she is a teenager now and does not want to leave her friends. We expect to see her back in our lives when she goes to college. She is thinking about living with us and going to one of our local colleges. That would be great because she is a delight to have around.
If they had one or two, this wouldn't be an issue. It's their decision to have four and soon five. I can't take four kids at once and anything I do with one or two of them has to be repeated for the others. If I take two to the zoo this weekend, I have to take two to the zoo next weekend. If I have two over for a sleep over this weekend, I have to have the other two over for a sleep over next weekend.
Dss is only home every other weekend. If he invited us over, I'd have no problem with that but I feel weird calling and inviting myself. I mean, maybe he wants to relax at home. At least when they come over here they get a free meal they didn't have to prepare and it's their option to come or not.
Initially I was taken aback by your arrogance towards the OP, in reality you know nothing about her time management, so to call her on time spent at this forum didn't make a whole lot of sense.
Looks to me like you have your own "raw nerve" as it pertains to her situation.... my guess is you have an ax to grind with a stepmother somewhere. You said:
and told the OP if SHE can't "make peace" then she will
No, it's not about the kids.
It's about the OP not feeling obligated to submit to the immature demands of her stepsons wife. Looks to me like the daughter in law is looking for nothing more than a free babysitter. The reality is the OP owes them NOTHING.
To the OP:
Tell the goofy daughter in law to shove her ultimatum. If she cares about her kids she will not stand in the way of whatever relationship they may develop with other extended family. If she decides to maintain her temper tantrum because she is not getting enough free help, then so be it. That is her problem, not yours.
I didn't tell her to shove it but I haven't offered and I won't offer to take the kids on a schedule. She'll get the message.
I really don't get her attitude here. Dss has told her to hire help. She refuses to do so. Maybe I should have gotten her a gift certificate to a psychiatrist for Christmas. She wants all these babies, can't handle all the kids, gets mad when people don't offer to help for free and refuses to hire help. Why will it not surprise me when she has a nervous break down?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. Like how much time did that take?
