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Old 12-23-2010, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495

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I have a situation with dss and his wife. She's a stay at home mom who is pregnant with their 5th child. Her mom is retired and spends a lot of time with the kids (she has nothing better to do) whereas, I have a full time job and two teenagers at home so I see the kids when they come and visit. Anyway, they've decided we're lousy grandparents because we don't come and take the kids and we expect them to visit us instead of us visiting them and now we're, pretty much, cut off from seeing the grand kids. They're trying to force me to choose between not seeing the grand kids or taking them off their hands frequently and with her pregnant, I'm really on their **** list. I have NO time during the school year. I barely see my own kids.

Here's my take. I, simply, do not have the energy or the time to be taking their kids with any frequency. I have enough on my plate with my own two and my career. Plus, they're the ones who decided to have 5 kids (they want 6). So, if you choose to have more kids than you can handle, does family owe it to you to help you out? There's a reason I stopped at two. A good one. I do not need their four on top of my two.

I love my grandkids but I'm struggling with my two and my job. I don't need their kids too. Does this make me selfish?
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Old 12-23-2010, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,088 posts, read 6,626,055 times
Reputation: 7126
NO. NO. NO again. Anyone who has 5 kids is beyond saving anyway. Salient point? Here:

I have enough on my plate with my own two and my career.

'Nough said.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:07 PM
 
Location: Queens THE REAL international city
2,386 posts, read 5,275,587 times
Reputation: 2802
HELL-TO-THE-HELL-NO you're not selfish. She is selfish for even calling you out like that and trying to give you an ultimatum.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:28 PM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,272,211 times
Reputation: 7394
Agreed with everybody else, don't fall for it.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:43 PM
 
Location: Maryland not Murlin
8,185 posts, read 21,737,838 times
Reputation: 6116
Despite any personal feelings or familial ties, it is ultimately not your responsibility. You are not obligated in anyway, shape, or form. The fact that you have been given an ultimatum is just adding insult to injury.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:59 PM
 
4,101 posts, read 5,894,804 times
Reputation: 5637
No you are not selfish. But anyone that uses letters (dss) and expects others to stop and figure out what the hell they are talking about has a screw loose. If dss means dear step son, is that so hard to type out? Sometimes family just expects too much, in your case, your relatives are not being reasonable. You wouldn't like what I would do, so I won't bother to tell you, but they wouldn't bother me again.
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Old 12-24-2010, 01:20 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,199,022 times
Reputation: 24745
You aren't responsible for their kids or providing them with free child care services.

Grand parents are supposed to visit occasionally, bring noisy, obnoxious toys, get them all hyped up on sugar, and then leave!!!!!

You done done your diaper duty.
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Old 12-24-2010, 03:03 AM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,869,596 times
Reputation: 26678
Sorry, but the days of stay-at-home-pie-baking-grannies is long over. You aren't doing anything wrong at all. In fact, my parents had us very young so when I was of child bearing age I knew I couldn't expect that much help, like daily babysitting, from grandma, she had her job and her own life. They are extremely immature and selfiish to put you in that position.
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Old 12-24-2010, 05:17 AM
 
Location: One foot in CT one in KS
2,170 posts, read 2,894,336 times
Reputation: 6446
I was wondering what dss meant too, thanks Ryder for clarifying it.

1) Whatever the relationship is, there is no obligation to take care of anyone else's children but be aware that you might not see them very often based upon your/their limitations.

2) I do think you might be unreasonable in not going to see them every once in a while and that you are choosing some of your own exile from these grandkids. While they chose to have too many kids to easily handle, strapping them all in the car to come to your house the majority of the time is an unreasonable expectation on your part IMO.

3) Sorry Ivory but I'm going to call you out on your claim of "no time" because I see that you are doing quite a bit of city-data posting. (8200+ posts in 2.5 years) I know from my very limited involvement, that it takes plenty of time to read and post even a little on here. Time that could be spent seeing your own children or doing what it is that needs to be done so that you feel free to spare some time for those grand-babies, if that is your desire. If it's not your desire, then be honest with yourself. It is unfair to lay the blame wholly on their parents for this estrangement situation however ridiculous it might be for them to breed beyond their capacity to adequately deal, and however unfair their outright or implied demands for you to take the children may be.

So ease up on what seems to be some fairly obvious hostility over the situation, send the teens to stay with friends (or at home if it's just for the day) and get in the car, put up with a little inconvenience on your part and go to see them. If they are at some distance, stay in a hotel so as to not put them out and to give yourself some breathing room and peace at the end of the day. The ball is really in your court.

This advice is meant to be helpful and I am sorry if it offends as I know it might being rather blunt and probably not what you wanted to hear.

Last edited by AK-Cathy; 12-24-2010 at 05:27 AM..
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Old 12-24-2010, 06:32 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,697,018 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
No you are not selfish. But anyone that uses letters (dss) and expects others to stop and figure out what the hell they are talking about has a screw loose. If dss means dear step son, is that so hard to type out? Sometimes family just expects too much, in your case, your relatives are not being reasonable. You wouldn't like what I would do, so I won't bother to tell you, but they wouldn't bother me again.
I have a screw loose because I use acronyms common to relationship boards? Not quite.

If you don't know what an acronym stands for, ask. There is no need to be insulting.
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