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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:11 PM
 
4,733 posts, read 2,440,961 times
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Default Literally nuts, abusive parent -- advice pls?

Hello -- was hoping I could ask some advice on something: I have a parent who lives with me, who is completely obsessed about finishing the basement so that she can rent it out, and make a profit. The problem is, it is full of (loaded with) stuff. So, we paid some movers, to move a lot of the stuff to our outside shed. Except, they cheated us and walked out halfway into the job. So, parent expects me to carry all of the rest of the slack, which I started to do this morning, until she totally got impatient because I apparently "wasn't doing things, exactly the way [she] wanted", lost it, started screaming obscenities at me. For example: "You POS s*ssy f*gg*t!" "You're gonna burn in H*ll you f*ck*ng *ss*h*le!" "You f*ck*ng f*gg*t slime!" When she started becoming abusive like that, I basically said "I'm not gonna take that -- enjoy doing it yourself. Because you're not gonna expect me to work while you're abusive to me."

Now parent is flipping out -- shrieking and screaming and crying curses at me, and working all by herself atm.

Did I do that right thing? Would you have done, something, differently? She *has* to know, I am *not* going to tolerate any abuse...this is not the first time, she has done this either. ETA: before, I just "grinned, and bear it", cooperating, despite the abuse. This time, I am putting my foot firmly down, and emphatically saying "No." Not taking, any more abuse, from her.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:14 PM
 
16,865 posts, read 14,676,826 times
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This is your mother?? Do you live with her or does she live with you? I'd be finding different living arrangements very quickly....like yesterday.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:17 PM
 
7,672 posts, read 4,552,364 times
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I agree with ChessieMom, time to find yourself somewhere else to live. No-one deserves to be treated like that.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:20 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
14,428 posts, read 14,862,325 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knight2009 View Post
Hello -- was hoping I could ask some advice on something: I have a parent who lives with me, who is completely obsessed about finishing the basement so that she can rent it out, and make a profit. The problem is, it is full of (loaded with) stuff. So, we paid some movers, to move a lot of the stuff to our outside shed. Except, they cheated us and walked out halfway into the job. So, parent expects me to carry all of the rest of the slack, which I started to do this morning, until she totally got impatient because I apparently "wasn't doing things, exactly the way [she] wanted", lost it, started screaming obscenities at me. For example: "You POS s*ssy f*gg*t!" "You're gonna burn in H*ll you f*ck*ng *ss*h*le!" "You f*ck*ng f*gg*t slime!" When she started becoming abusive like that, I basically said "I'm not gonna take that -- enjoy doing it yourself. Because you're not gonna expect me to work while you're abusive to me."

Now parent is flipping out -- shrieking and screaming and crying curses at me, and working all by herself atm.

Did I do that right thing? Would you have done, something, differently? She *has* to know, I am *not* going to tolerate any abuse...this is not the first time, she has done this either. ETA: before, I just "grinned, and bear it", cooperating, despite the abuse. This time, I am putting my foot firmly down, and emphatically saying "No." Not taking, any more abuse, from her.
This is an interesting story. However, I am sure if we talked to the woman involved we would get an entirely different picture. I get the feeling that you are leaving out a few things. Have the lady in question post her side of the story, and we'll be able to make an intelligent comment on the circumstances.

20yrsinBranson
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:21 PM
 
4,733 posts, read 2,440,961 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
This is your mother?? Do you live with her or does she live with you? I'd be finding different living arrangements very quickly....like yesterday.
It's somewhat complicated...technically, we co-own, but I pay everything including the mortgage except the utilities, and am the primary owner. Parent is essentially totally dependent financially on me as she lost everything in the last 2 stock market downturns...yet, she is still abusive despite the fact that I take care of her. The only reason we "co-own" is because the cost of housing in this area is insane, kinda reminiscent of NY housing prices.

ETA: we never would have ever been able to afford the property, without my annual income. Like I said...all she does at all, is pay utilities. That's it. I pay *everything else*. I was trying, as best I could, to provide for her, and take care of her.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:23 PM
 
4,733 posts, read 2,440,961 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
This is an interesting story. However, I am sure if we talked to the woman involved we would get an entirely different picture. I get the feeling that you are leaving out a few things. Have the lady in question post her side of the story, and we'll be able to make an intelligent comment on the circumstances.

20yrsinBranson
OK whatever you say...

Try having someone completely dependent on you, taking your money every month, and verbally abusing you, at the same time. And, when you have nothing, but the best of intentions, toward that person too, yet still get spat on.

At least try walking in my shoes, before you judge me.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
I agree with ChessieMom, time to find yourself somewhere else to live. No-one deserves to be treated like that.
Wish I could do, exactly that -- I would be a lot financially "freer", and unburdened, with having to support her financially. Problem is, I can't afford to pay for my own apt. as I am still obligated to pay the mortgage or else default (mortgage is almost $4k a month), and parent can't afford to pay the mortgage alone. My job is such that if I default, I *will* be terminated, by my employer. Not that many options available, at my disposal here.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 12:54 PM
 
1,049 posts, read 936,893 times
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Regardless of what you may have done to upset her, if the words that you quoted were accurate, I'm very sorry for you. No matter how angry she might have been, there is no excuse for that kind of talk.

I'm all for withdrawing completely from an adversary that is unreasonable but your situation is a bit like a bad marriage in that both of you appear to have legal rights and obligations to the residence. You probably can't sell the house due to the RE market right now but could your mother after getting this basement rental online (which BTW might not be legal if there isn't proper egress) possibly buy you out, releasing you legally from your obligation? Might be worth a shot and a visit to a RE attorney's office to see what is possible. Also there might be an elder affairs counseling service in your area that could help you work things out between you.

I feel for you. I'd send the keys back to the bank and live in a dumpy apartment before living in an abusive situation in a palace, but that's just me. Good luck to you.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 01:19 PM
 
4,733 posts, read 2,440,961 times
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Please see comments below in bold.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
Regardless of what you may have done to upset her, if the words that you quoted were accurate, I'm very sorry for you. No matter how angry she might have been, there is no excuse for that kind of talk.

I'm all for withdrawing completely from an adversary that is unreasonable but your situation is a bit like a bad marriage in that both of you appear to have legal rights and obligations to the residence. You probably can't sell the house due to the RE market right now but could your mother after getting this basement rental online (which BTW might not be legal if there isn't proper egress)

Yes...we would be selling at a roughly $300k loss, if we sold now in the current market.

Also not to worry; it's totally legal b/c we made sure we met all of the required building codes, if we were to actually rent out, the basement.

possibly buy you out, releasing you legally from your obligation?

Even if she wanted to, she simply doesn't have the fianicial resources (even if she did, I doubt she would either), and I unfortunately don't either, to be able to do the same for her

Might be worth a shot and a visit to a RE attorney's office to see what is possible. Also there might be an elder affairs counseling service in your area that could help you work things out between you.

Thx for the helpful suggestions -- yes I'm definitely going to try to find RE legal advice, to find out what my rights are in this situation.

I feel for you. I'd send the keys back to the bank and live in a dumpy apartment before living in an abusive situation in a palace, but that's just me. Good luck to you.
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Unread 12-27-2010, 02:08 PM
 
5,022 posts, read 2,505,974 times
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What a sucky situation Knight! Could you afford to talk to an attorney at this point in time? I also follow what other posters have said. I don't have any advice for you though except what I do; retreat to your own space with a lock on the door when she gets crazy. Good luck.
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