HELP, my sister's husband won't let her see us! (spouse, business, money)

[Childfree35]

Originally Posted by movingacrosstown

My sister has been with her husband for about 10 years. We've tried everything to accomadate him and bring him into our family. He's done nothing but been rude to us. He will not allow us in their house. We used to live about 30 miles from eachother but now live about 1200 miles apart.

My sister suffers from depression and anxiety. He's mentally and physically abused her over the years. Anyhow, to make a long story short, my sister wanted to come visit us and he wouldn't allow it. Finally, he wanted to go south to get away from the cold. They came to my state to visit. He made sure it was 4 hours away from me.

My sister wants us to come visit her there which I don't have a problem doing. The problem is that the rooms there are very expensive and I can't get everyone together (husband, daughter and son) that will be convenient. On the way back, they pass right by where I live. She wants to stop for one night and he refuses. I can't stand that SOB!

I told my sister she needs to think about what he is doing to her and her family. She agrees but feels helpless. She's been to counseling and tried meds but neither work. He's knocked her self esteem down so low she can't get away from him at this point. I've treid to help her in everyway which helps a little but not enough.

Bottom line is that, I don't know what to do. I really want to see her as she does me. I don't know the next time we'll see eachother either. (It's been 2 years already)
What would you do?

It sounds as if, your sister loves her lifestyle, but doesn't like her hubs. They are taking expensive trips together, wow. They don't have any kids. She could walk away from him...I think.

Does your sister work? If not, then relocate her to your house.

All the blame isn't the BIL. Your sister has a role in this marriage.

My BIL doesn't pay bills. Sometimes he will and others he won't. Why. Because he can. He knows, if he doesn't pay, then my sister will.

An old diva once told me. childfree, who's the fool. The fool or the fool marrying the fool.

[captaincatfish]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

What would you do? Stop fricking interfering into your sister's family.

God only knows why he is not allowing her to see you folks, though he sounds like a douche.

But your sister has continued to live in this environment, and they are even taking an expensive vacation down south.

Minding your own business is a good point of action

LOL...you and I have 'butted heads' before here, quite a few times, so I'm not here spoiling for a 'fight' today...I'm just questioning your words

First of all, why is she 'fricking interfering'? That's her SISTER, her blood, so to me, that gives her the right to be concerned, especially if that so-called 'douche' is being abusive...

Sidebar---full-on honesty here...I think that any man who puts his hands on a woman or a child, with the express purpose of causing them bodily harm, is a punk, and needs his punk a** whipped...simple as that...if he is physically abusing her, then he's a punk and, well, you know the rest...

Trust me, if I had even the slightest notice that somebody was harming my late mom, or my sister, or my wife or mother-in-law, minding my own business would definitely NOT be a good point of action...I'd be on the first thing smoking, coming through the door with my hair on fire, a bat in my hand, ready to chew bubblegum and kick a**---and I would NOT be chewing gum...

The true bottom line is, she has every right in the world to want to know what going on with her sibling, even if it's nothing more than to tell her it's time to break camp and get the hell out of Dodge...what if she 'minds her own business' and doesn't 'fricking interfere', and then her sister winds up (god forbid) a corpse?

C'mon Antlered...I know even you can't be that hard-hearted

[seeniorita]

Originally Posted by movingacrosstown

She's been to the women's shelter a couple of times. They've counseled her but she returned to him. The cops have been involved a couple times but nothing has come out of it.

^^^ This is your answer right here. It seems your sister has sought outside sources before but always ends up back with him. It's because she's not ready to go. As much as she might complain about it to you, she's still willing to live with him and allow his reign over her. The key word is WILLING. Until she has made up in her mind that she's had enough of his treatment, only then will your help be of any use to her.

Until then, be there for her, listen and encourage her to see the situation for what it is but don't try to "rescue" her because she has to do that for herself. Good luck.

[mateo45]

Yup, like anyone with some sort of severe "dependency" problem, they gotta "hit bottom" first, before they can climb out of it. And any further "meddling" from you now, no matter how well-intentioned, is only confusing the issue. So best to "withdraw" for the time being, but just let her know you'll still be there for her whenever she's finally ready.

[cpg35223]

She's your sister for God's sake. Drive to where she is, hand her some literature on the characteristics of spousal abusers and give her the number for a woman's shelter. Even better, take her and her children out of there yourself.

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

Originally Posted by captaincatfish

LOL...you and I have 'butted heads' before here, quite a few times, so I'm not here spoiling for a 'fight' today...I'm just questioning your words

First of all, why is she 'fricking interfering'? That's her SISTER, her blood, so to me, that gives her the right to be concerned, especially if that so-called 'douche' is being abusive...

Sidebar---full-on honesty here...I think that any man who puts his hands on a woman or a child, with the express purpose of causing them bodily harm, is a punk, and needs his punk a** whipped...simple as that...if he is physically abusing her, then he's a punk and, well, you know the rest...

Trust me, if I had even the slightest notice that somebody was harming my late mom, or my sister, or my wife or mother-in-law, minding my own business would definitely NOT be a good point of action...I'd be on the first thing smoking, coming through the door with my hair on fire, a bat in my hand, ready to chew bubblegum and kick a**---and I would NOT be chewing gum...

The true bottom line is, she has every right in the world to want to know what going on with her sibling, even if it's nothing more than to tell her it's time to break camp and get the hell out of Dodge...what if she 'minds her own business' and doesn't 'fricking interfere', and then her sister winds up (god forbid) a corpse?

C'mon Antlered...I know even you can't be that hard-hearted

Skipper, the lady in the OP calls the man an SOB.

First point, she hates him. So, all the offences of the "SOB" are magnified 10 times to us mere mortals.

But of course, you have the army of Santa Clauses who are like "Aaaaaaaaawww, please call 1-800-SUPPORT, women's shelters blah blah blah blah"

But the so-called victim is continuing with her life, takes her vacations, and I bet is not employed and is probably a housewife, and she continues to put up with this lifestyle, becoz I believe the "SOB" is also good with heavy money bags.......... umm, something is not right here.

So, I'd probably not get worked up over this and advise the lady not to worry about the sister, as long as there is physical evidence that the "SOB" maimed her left hand

If the victim posted this thread, then I'll urge her to get out. Messengers are mostly like soap salesmen, they try their best to convince you that you stink and that you need their soap

[Childfree35]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

Skipper, the lady in the OP calls the man an SOB.

First point, she hates him. So, all the offences of the "SOB" are magnified 10 times to us mere mortals.

But of course, you have the army of Santa Clauses who are like "Aaaaaaaaawww, please call 1-800-SUPPORT, women's shelters blah blah blah blah"

But the so-called victim is continuing with her life, takes her vacations, and I bet is not employed and is probably a housewife, and she continues to put up with this lifestyle, becoz I believe the "SOB" is also good with heavy money bags.......... umm, something is not right here.

So, I'd probably not get worked up over this and advise the lady not to worry about the sister, as long as there is physical evidence that the "SOB" maimed her left hand

If the victim posted this thread, then I'll urge her to get out. Messengers are mostly like soap salesmen, they try their best to convince you that you stink and that you need their soap

LMAO! Antlered, you're an azz.

That said, something isn't quite right here. Ten years and no kids.

If this was a pro baller's wife, you guys would have a different tune.

[captaincatfish]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

Skipper, the lady in the OP calls the man an SOB.

First point, she hates him. So, all the offences of the "SOB" are magnified 10 times to us mere mortals.

But of course, you have the army of Santa Clauses who are like "Aaaaaaaaawww, please call 1-800-SUPPORT, women's shelters blah blah blah blah"

But the so-called victim is continuing with her life, takes her vacations, and I bet is not employed and is probably a housewife, and she continues to put up with this lifestyle, becoz I believe the "SOB" is also good with heavy money bags.......... umm, something is not right here.

So, I'd probably not get worked up over this and advise the lady not to worry about the sister, as long as there is physical evidence that the "SOB" maimed her left hand

If the victim posted this thread, then I'll urge her to get out. Messengers are mostly like soap salesmen, they try their best to convince you that you stink and that you need their soap

And I say that with kindness...in your way, though, you make a good point, seeing things from the (married) sister's side...

Something ain't quite on kilter here, and you may also have hit the nail with your point about 'she's still with him for a reason'...he may indeed be a douche, but he also may be a douche supporting her in the lifestyle to which she may have become accustomed...doesn't excuse him from abuse, but SOMETHING is keeping her in that house

[mateo45]

I'm with Antlered too.... part of the problem in these sorts of things is always what counselors call the "Victim Triangle" of Persecutor (the hubby), Victim (the "poor wife"), and Rescuer (her sis... plus all the well-meaning "messengers", with emotional agendas of their own). And the roles can even get switched around, because it's all just one big psycho-drama, with each "actor" having a "stake" in keeping it going.

Getting off the victim triangle

[lovesMountains]

Some of you on this thread are woefully uneducated about the mindset of an abuse victim.

She doesn't stay because she likes it

This is a very complicated issue and the OP is right to be concerned about helping her sister get the help she needs.

However, at the end of the day our OP can't "save" her sister, though she should do all she can to help her save herself.