Whats are the positives you can take from your mom asking you to kill yourself? (spouse, girls)

[VelvetFedora]

My partner and I have family members who have told us they wished we'd never been born and that we should die. I have also gotten the "Ugly, disgusting, etc." lines from a certain family member and had an ex when I was 20 who told me to go kill myself by jumping off a bridge. So I can certainly relate.

The positive you can take from this, if there is one to be had, is that your mom has given you many clear signs that she's mentally "not all there." Words can hurt more than fists (I've experienced both), but words also allow you to escape a situation without cuts and bruises. You didn't ask for this, and it was not anything you did. You can recognize that your mother is an angry and hurting person, and that she is not an adult with appropriate adult emotions. She also lacks the faculties to deal with her feelings in an appropriate, adult way. You now know she can't be reasoned with, and you can take steps to cut off all contact with her.

It sounds like money is an issue here, so I'm wondering if you've looked into federal grants or student loans. Depending upon your income, you may be able to borrow or receive the entire amount for school and living expenses, especially if you are not a dependent. (Grants are especially attractive because they don't need to be repaid.) I know many people who've successfully done this. It may require legal action if your mother still claims you as a dependent, because if so, her income would be taken into account, but it's worth looking into so you can get out of there without further abuse. Do NOT give up on your education. It's your ticket to the future, and to freedom as well.

[stepka]

OP, you mentioned a ways back that you have a scholarship? Would you lose it if you dropped out of school right now? I wonder if there might be someone--perhaps a middle aged lady with an empty nest who might be willing to rent you a room at a small fee while you finish school? I don't think it would be impossible to find such a situation b/c my mother used to do that sometimes and it's not that different from hosting an international student. Heck I would do it if you were nearby and I had an extra bedroom, so why not ask around? And in the process you can start to build your new family b/c your old one sucks and that's how a lot of people get their families--thru adoption.

[PassTheChocolate]

You've received some really great advice here. The positives? You're a heck of a lot stronger than your situation could have made you. You're aware of what it has been and what you need to do. You are not your mother.

Maybe, like the others suggested, you can work on getting school loans and grants to help you with living expenses. There's all kinds of free money out there. College Answer: Paying for College (http://www.collegeanswer.com/paying/content/index.jsp - broken link)
Maybe you can stay on campus or find someone close by who will rent you a room.

Originally Posted by truth&love

@SwedishViking: The thing is I don't feel strong,im determined,hardworking but I don't feel strong I feel soft,waaayy too nice,I care about everyone waay to much,im much too empathetic,and sensitive I feel *sighs*

You're a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You've already come a long way. Just try to maintain the balance. It's hard not to become damaged from what you have described. A lot of people repeat the cycle of abuse by becoming abusers themselves or victims again. Stay focused on what you know now, that what you lived was not the way you should have, and don't accept any less as you move forward. Don't be too lenient and don't be hyper vigilant. It's easier said than done, but you seem smart and self aware enough to be able to handle it.

[round4]

Ohmygosh. I have nothing to offer but prayer, and you have that this morning. Please, do not quit school, it is your ticket to a better tomorrow.

I agree with lovesmountians....check with your counslor at school, or your pastr/priest or a trusted adult...Good luck.

[truth&love]

Every time I read new posts and comments I cry,and right now i'm in a public place reading these and fighting tears You guys are so kind,I needed this more than I even thought I did. I posted on here on whim after my mom did something and I realized I had no one to talk to about it,but wanted to talk.Its really nice to have support for the first time in my life on this issue.

@ Velvet Fedora: Thank you,it helps to hear other people have survived such things too. Helps you not feel alone in a situation,I already feel a lot better because of you guys. I have been alone in this for 19 years,it started off when I first drew breath and my father holding me out of the 4th story balcony contemplated dropping me because he didn't want to pay child support. ha..*sighs* It really has been such a struggle,but this struggles ending..oh my god Im going to cry again. I feel like Im in a support group with you guys,It feels so good. And YES I need to look into ways to pay school!thank you so much for your tips

@stepka: No I looked into that,this city isn't really a big city and everyone wants hundreds of dollars in rent. Im just going to stay here and mind my own business saving up money to leave,but the thing is school is getting in the way. Being a full time student takes time,No i won't loose my scholarship If i drop out now since it's already been given to me and applied to my courses

@pass the chocolate: Thank you,I wish I felt strong. I feel like a really weak person,I hate that feeling. I don't know I think it has to do with how your treated,I remember when i was younger I was living with my grandparents in france for 2 years because my mom was too depressed to take care of me,and there I never had this weak feeling,or low self esteem feeling because I was so loved by them. Thank you so much for that Link,i'm going to look into ways to pay off the rest of school. And I did repeat the cycle of abuse until i finally recognized that I was just repeating a pattern,I repeated it with abusive friends,and abusive degrading boyfriend. I still have the scar on my foot from where he pushed me on the cement and i bled,that was the moment the verbal abuse and degradation escalated into physical violence. It was also the moment i left,but I still have that stupid scar i'm ashamed of,i'm deeply ashamed that i stayed for the verbal abuse too *sigh* such is life. it's okay,its a lesson i learned,I feel deeply ashamed and stupid because of that to be honest..that really was stupid of me. I've never told anyone how bad the abuse was there,too embarrassing.I feel so dumb,because I am intelligent yet I allowed further abuse by other people because its all I have known my whole life,ughh..so stupid.

@round 4: Thank you for your prayers,i'm not even sure what I believe but I pray all the same because it makes me feel better. The counsellor at school...she.*sigh* she's not that nice,i don't know she doesn't liker job,she's always saying how hard it is. I don't have a pastor or trusted adult,i wish. I just need to make money and get out of here!

[jeepgirl27]

Originally Posted by truth&love

Serious question,completely off topic I know,but you guys on here seems really intelligent and I really need help...

harsh judgement,hostility,abuse and hate,my mother truly hated me(i happened to look like my father who was a violent hateful man,every time she looked at me she saw his face even though he left when i was born) ,she even gave me pills to kill myself and everything growing up and would regularly ask me why i haven't killed myself yet..anyways horrible childhood,including a man doing something bad to me as a little girl and she blamed it all on her 7 year old daughter calling her Stupid not the ADULT man who was a pedophile.she feels absolutely no remorse for any of it.
I always take the positive out of everything I experience,I want to take the positive lesson all that may have thought me,needless to say it hard too,help?!

Im very sorry..you dont deserve this..I dont know your mom but she has angered me. The positive thing you can take from this is knowing you are not the bad person she tries to make you believe, even tho she is rotten she has made a beautiful child come from her anger. I think if we could all, we would all give you a great big hug, and you deserve all the happiness your heart can hold..
take care of yourself

[aquene]

Hopefully you are getting some peace from all the posters in response to yours. Know that you are not alone and there are many people who have overcome toxic parents to have fulfilling lives.

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in school. I left my parents' home before high school graduation, worked fulltime through college (it took me five years to get a BSN but I did it) and took my little brother with me when I left, so was kind of a single mom as well.

Whatever you decide, don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't. My mother took every opportunity to tell me how I ruined her life. I never gave her the satisfaction of thinking she ruined mine. I took the anger and fear and turned it into determination. You can do whatever you set your mind to.

[mistygrl092]

A clear cut indicator that it is time to remove this person from your life FOREVER. Not many are fortunate to have such a slap in the face for a wake-up call.

Yeah, it'll hurt, much like walking away from an abusive relationship, but it's always easier to do so after they punch you physically rather than just gaslight you.

[stepka]

Originally Posted by truth&love

@stepka: No I looked into that,this city isn't really a big city and everyone wants hundreds of dollars in rent. Im just going to stay here and mind my own business saving up money to leave,but the thing is school is getting in the way. Being a full time student takes time,No i won't loose my scholarship If i drop out now since it's already been given to me and applied to my courses .


And I did repeat the cycle of abuse until i finally recognized that I was just repeating a pattern,I repeated it with abusive friends,and abusive degrading boyfriend. I still have the scar on my foot from where he pushed me on the cement and i bled,that was the moment the verbal abuse and degradation escalated into physical violence. It was also the moment i left,but I still have that stupid scar i'm ashamed of,i'm deeply ashamed that i stayed for the verbal abuse too *sigh* such is life. it's okay,its a lesson i learned,I feel deeply ashamed and stupid because of that to be honest..that really was stupid of me. I've never told anyone how bad the abuse was there,too embarrassing.I feel so dumb,because I am intelligent yet I allowed further abuse by other people because its all I have known my whole life,ughh..so stupid.

1. My mother doesn't live in a big city either--it's a college town and you wouldn't find this advertised. You'd probably have to go to a pastor or a trusted adult and confide your situation to them and they would probably dig around for you and find something. There are good people out there but they don't advertise their services for fear of getting taken advantage of, and my mother did once or twice. You wouldn't necessarily have to be a churchgoer to get help either--if they are good people they aren't going to put conditions on it.

2. I believe that I can speak for most all of us that we don't think you're stupid for getting into this relationship. Someone in your position would grab onto anything that looks even a tiny bit like love and not stop to make judgments until something bad has happened, b/c you need to badly what everyone deserves. Please love yourself and go easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up for one more second over that trauma--he was the bad person and he probably feels a lot less remorse over it than you do. Does that even make sense? No, so let it go.

BTW, my daughter is 19 and I'm starting to cry myself over the thought that this beautiful and sensitive young lady would ever have had to deal with what you've gone thru. Thankfully she has not come even close.

[laorbust61]

Originally Posted by truth&love

Serious question,completely off topic I know,but you guys on here seems really intelligent and I really need help...

harsh judgement,hostility,abuse and hate,my mother truly hated me(i happened to look like my father who was a violent hateful man,every time she looked at me she saw his face even though he left when i was born) ,she even gave me pills to kill myself and everything growing up and would regularly ask me why i haven't killed myself yet..anyways horrible childhood,including a man doing something bad to me as a little girl and she blamed it all on her 7 year old daughter calling her Stupid not the ADULT man who was a pedophile.she feels absolutely no remorse for any of it.
I always take the positive out of everything I experience,I want to take the positive lesson all that may have thought me,needless to say it hard too,help?!

One positive is that she has given you a negative example (how NOT to be) as a mother and a human being. And I hope to the heavens you have found a good therapist to work with and start the very loving act of healing yourself from the trauma you experienced. Don't allow what you have gone through cheat you out of what I believe to be most exquisite part of the human existence. True deep love from friends and the one who will be the love of your life. To receive this, you will have to do some work on the issues from your childhood. Be blessed and know that most people who are responding to your post are doing so out of caring and concern for you.