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this is the only subforum i think this would fit in...
my friend is getting married in october...
and she wants me to be a bridesmaid...great right? WRONG
im, for all essential purposes currently unemployed and job junting...i work part time from home but make just enough to cover my current bills...and am saving up to move to a cheaper area...
and she wants me to buy my own bridesmaid outfit...
i made it very clear i am BROKE and didnt think i could afford it...but she insisted theres "plenty of time" and everyone else on the maids list aparently has no problem with the cost...
now, firstly...
this is a theme wedding, a rennaisance theme wedding, this is NO problem, i am a renny and have plenty of garb, but nothing in the color scheme she HAS to have (purple and navy) so in order to do this i need to order a custom made bodice, skits and chemise...
the whole get up is going to cost close to $400...
did i mention...im POOR!
ontop of that i had gastic bypass 6 months ago and am currently loosing about 2lbs a week...the idea behind a bodice is it fits snugly, custom made to your measurments...i have NO idea how much ill weigh, what size ill be or what my measurments will be in october...
because its all custom made it needs to be ordered very soon so itll be ready...i mean realy folks?! how the hell am i supposed to do that, im not psycic.
and to top it off, whatever i get to fit now, wouldnt fit then, and getting it to fit then, even if i did manage to guestimate right may only fit me for a few months.
and then...purple and navy...
for one, blue looks horrible on me, and i dont like purple...i also would NOT wear purple or navy to faire as both represent nobility...(yeah this part seems superficial...but the point being is ill NEVER wear it again...
and you simply cannot sell garb for the kind of money you pay for it, again..because its custom.
ive told her over and over i cannot afford it...
told her i love her but i cant afford the outfit...she keeps telling me "theres still time" and "its not THAT much money" (i only make about $500 a month right now!)
and "noone else is having an issue"...which she thinks because another of our frineds is on unemployment if she can afford it i shoudl be able to as well...but shes not paying rent and getting twice as much on unemployment as im making a month...
im on the border of telling her flat out...look its not happening...if you want me in your bridal party your going to have to pay for my outfit yourself...
but i dont know how to say it without sounding like a selfish POS, or flat out saying that i cant be her bridesmaid...
how would you handle this kind of situation?
no matter how i work it..even if i were to find a full time job, ive got other bills that are more important than an outfit ill wear for a day and then never wear again
i dont know what to do...anyone advice would be realy apreciated...
how do i say NO without hurting her reguarding her "big day".
Honestly I think asking anyone to spend more than $200 (already a LOT) on a bridesmaid dress is bordering on rude. If I just had to have a wedding with $400 bridesmaids dresses I would buy them myself.
I bought all my bridesmaids their dresses, but I know the culture is different here for that. I'm the MOH for a friends wedding in Sept and I have to buy my own.
Can you alter anything you own to fit in somewhat with her theme?
Can you look for previously owned dresses that could work with alterations?
I would sit her down and tell her you can budget $xxx dollars for the dress. Ask if it's ok for you to wear one of your existing gowns and bring in her colors in flowers and accessories?
Maybe she'll offer to chip in the extra? Or you're going to have to decline to be a bridesmaid which would be sad.
I hope she would understand this and it would help if you're not buying a bunch of other expensive stuff that she would perceive as being in place of the dress.
Sorry you have to deal with this. People can get a little nutty about their wedding!
I would tell her that you would love to come to her wedding but that you simply cannot afford to be in it. When I got married - I had a destination wedding. My best friend was in grad school and poor - so I flew her out. I paid for all the bridesmaids rooms and most of their outfits (we got married in Hawaii - I bought their sarongs, they bought their own white tank tops - I figured they'd rather pick out their own white tank tops anyway). I had another bridesmaid that was also in grad school - but she wasn't able to come due to classes that she had to go to. I totally understood and we are still good friends. A wedding shouldn't be an obligation or a test of friendship - your friend should understand this. We all have different money situations at different times in our lives - and being in a wedding can be really expensive. If it is really important to your friend that you are in her wedding party and not just a guest - she should pay for the dress. It's really that simple.
Oh boy is that rude expecting people to buy a 400 dollar dress for a one time thing . Yes if she has to have those colors then she should be willing to help out with at least half of the cost if not then you might have to turn down the invite to be a bridesmaid , but save your sanity and talk to her and yes I agree with the above . alterations might be the way to go especially with you losing the weight and congrats on that btw . Yes some people can be nutty about their wedding . I eloped and saved the money for a down payment on a house .
Sometimes you can find Great deals at Good Will, used clothing thrift stores.
Best of Luck to you darlin'.
Yes, maybe you could rummage around and find something that could work from Good will, or yard sales, but I agree that she should be paying for your outfit, etc.
Your friend sounds quite selfish and spoiled. You are struggling financially just to survive, have politely told her you cannot afford it, and yet she is trying to manipulate you and guilt you into it.
I am just floored by this friend and her lack of compassion. Weddings are suppossed to be about sharing your love and joining with those closest to you, not showmanship and vying for the most remembered party.
I think I would be quite upset by a friend like this and tell her I am very hurt by her lack of understanding. And when you are in such financial dire straights it would be a mistake to attempt to spend any money on this wedding. You will regret it and her for the rest of your life. You are in no position to be buying anything frivilous, you are just trying to survive.
I am sorry to be so harsh towards the friend, but wow, what nerve.
Not really sure why you are worried about 'hurting her' - she sounds pretty thoughtless and without feeling to me. She knows you are only working part-time from home and struggling to make ends meet and yet she ignores your efforts to bow out? Seriously?
Since it sounds like you have been going back and forth with her for a while - if it were me, I would just flat out tell her 'I am thrilled that you want me to be a part of your day, but I can not afford it however I would still love to attend the wedding'.
It is the norm these days it seems for the bridesmaids to buy their own dresses (not that I agree with that, but that's how it is). For the last wedding I was in we each contributed $100 to the bride's family for 'expenses'. It was a little weird, but I know our dresses were at least $240 and we had our hair done, so really $100 was better than having to pay for it all ourselves. Is it possible your friend could contribute if you can come up with some of the money?
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With friends like that . . . .
