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Old 04-18-2011, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,308 posts, read 3,750,043 times
Reputation: 2821

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So today is Passover and my mother and I had plans to prepare the cedar, pray, and have dinner before I have to go to work tonight.

I was looking foward to it all day...which was quite stupid of me because she has a tendency to ruin holidays.

I feel cheated because a close friend of mine invited me to his brothers cedar, and I declined saying that my mother and I were going to do something together.

So when I was getting ready to presumably cook some things and open a jar of gefilte, she says she bought everything premade and that we won't have time to pray and have a proper dinner before I go to work (I have 3 hours and the food was already prepared).

So, I figure if we wont eat together, I'll just eat left overs from last night...and then she yells at me "I spent $250 and you will eat left overs???"

(just realising what type of steriotype this is fulfilling )

I was offended that she would throw the amount of money she spent in my face on a special holiday like this. It isn't necessary to spend that much on Passover, and even if *I* did, I would never talk about it like that.

So I said, well, I'll leave all of this food for you then, since it was $250!!

I had a feeling she was guilt tripping me, and just....wow...I never thought she would bring things to this level.

Usually she spends holidays getting drunk, either alone or end up being the drunkest out of the guests.

On Thanksgiving, she had invited me and some family friends to dinner at this place and she got so wasted the night before, that she was still drunk at 5pm when we were leaving for dinner. So she blew us off on Thanksgiving plans that she was suppose to be hosting.


I couldn't afford to take a bunch of people out to a Thanksgiving dinner at a fancy restaurant, so I had to end up spliting it with the people that came with me.


On gift giving holidays, she gets so stressed out because she wants to impress everyone with gifts too expensive for her to afford, and she usually won't get me anything. I don't mind that she doesn't get me anything, I still get her Gucci perfume every year, but she is so obsessed with "keeping up with the joneses", its truely hard for me to watch.

Sadly, most of the Holidays have been like this for me for a while now. I really want to be part of tradition and associate the holidays with warm fuzzy feeling and not feelings of dread and melancholy.

I'm considering not spending another holiday with her. I know that sounds mean, but its not fair for her to bring me down all the time.


Now I'm starving and I can't decide if I should dig into the Passover Take-out food or eat my left overs of clam chowder and french fries
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Old 04-18-2011, 06:53 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 14,484,148 times
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French fries sound nice.

Have a good passover and be nice to mama pear, though she is not being nice to you. Didn't you say in the health board your mom has panic attack problems? That could be part of the problem
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,308 posts, read 3,750,043 times
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^^^Yes, she seems to have already forgot she was mad at me. I already ate chowder and fries...now its time for work
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 14,484,148 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
^^^Yes, she seems to have already forgot she was mad at me. I already ate chowder and fries...now its time for work
On another day, mommy and you will get alone just fine
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:19 PM
 
Location: Containment Area, NC
14,523 posts, read 9,719,240 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
^^^Yes, she seems to have already forgot she was mad at me. I already ate chowder and fries...now its time for work
My mother has pretty much always behaved that way. I expect she will never change.

It makes me sad, but (like your mom) she has alcohol and anxiety issues.

I figure the 2 are related.

Still, there's no reason to let her ruin your holidays. And, she will probably always ruin them. Just shield yourself however you need to.
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:30 PM
 
830 posts, read 573,998 times
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Plan your holidays the way you want including her if you choose and some other people who support you. I have learned that if I don't expect anything from people important to me, I won't be disappointed.
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:30 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,120 posts, read 56,997,117 times
Reputation: 38315
Quote:
Originally Posted by meh_whatever View Post
My mother has pretty much always behaved that way. I expect she will never change.

It makes me sad, but (like your mom) she has alcohol and anxiety issues.

I figure the 2 are related.

Still, there's no reason to let her ruin your holidays. And, she will probably always ruin them. Just shield yourself however you need to.

Got to agree, alcohol and anxiety are a BAD combination

It is very sad when parents have these issues, but you are right, Pear needs to protect herself going forward.

A good starting point would be to quit living with mom.

Once she's on her own she can and should make her own plans and then invite mom to come along if she wishes, never just rely on mom to make plans and give her any control.

You CAN have a decent relationship with parents like this, IF you establish boundries and live within them.

Shalom PearMartini!
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Old 04-18-2011, 08:34 PM
 
2,934 posts, read 3,550,240 times
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Quote:
I'm considering not spending another holiday with her.
And you're right not only to consider this, but to do it. I had a close relative who ruined two Thanksgivings and that was 20 years ago. I've not seen her since. Holidays can be stressful enough without drama from moms or anyone else. You don't owe her time on a holiday, whether she thinks you do or not. Stay away for several holidays and if she asks "why?" tell her the truth. Don't be controlled or held hostage by anyone, even your mother.
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:55 AM
 
9,717 posts, read 6,985,690 times
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lovesMountains gives good advice!!
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:13 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
22,485 posts, read 27,075,498 times
Reputation: 23044
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pear Martini View Post
^^^Yes, she seems to have already forgot she was mad at me. I already ate chowder and fries...now its time for work
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Once she's on her own she can and should make her own plans and then invite mom to come along if she wishes, never just rely on mom to make plans and give her any control.
Well said!

OP, your post brought back memories of long ago when I had a Jewish MIL (I'm a shiksa). Was she EVER the epitomy of the numerous jokes about Jewish mums. Fortunately she didn't suffer from anxiety attacks nor did she drink more than a couple of glasses of wine at a time. But for the seven years during which her son and I were married we would dutifully travel to her house for the Seder dinner.

MIL prepared for days in advance, letting us know weeks in advance what she was prepping, how good it was going to be, how her gefilte fish and kugel were well renown for being the very best, etc. I wish she'd ordered take-out.

All in all she was a pretty good day to day cook but when it came to the Seder dinner it was for all those years a pretty miserable culinary experience. Her gefilte fish which she made from scratch was dry and tasteless. Thank goodness she had loads of horseradish to douse on it to give it something. The kugel was equally dry and tasteless as was the accompanying meat which was cooked and triple cooked to rubbery tastelessness.

We dutifully ate and told her how good it all was and then left and, after a long drive home, grabbed some Alka Seltzer for a nightcap.

I realize this isn't relevant to your predicament but just thought to toss in some levity. Glad you were able to make the best of it but, in future, plan differently.

Forget holidays with her solo. You can always ask people who've invited you to join them for either Thanksgiving or Passover or any other holiday if it would be OK to invite your mother. Nine times out of ten a host will say yes. Given your mother's problems she may not even accept or show up but that's her problem, not yours. If she says yes to such an invitation then arrange to pick her up (if necessary) and, if she's not ready at the appointed time, then give her ten more minutes and then, if she's not ready, tell her you're sorry but you have to leave either with or without her.

The umbilical cord was cut long ago and you are NOT responsible for your mother's defaults especially when they're so extreme as to cause you major angst and social problems with your peers. There's a balance to be made and you have to find it. Good luck!
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