How do you deal with a mother like this? (children, retirement, house)

[crisan]

Smile and think "she doesn't know better."

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by mir86

... I've thought about writing her a letter before I move out, so she doesn't take me leaving as a personal thing against her, but that I just need to focus and that I'll still see her, just way less often.

You are old enough to be making your own way. Move out without the dramatics or the need to justify the move by complaining about your Mothers behavior. Simply explain it is time for you to do so. After you are on your own you can have contact or no contact based on how you can tolerate your mom.

Thinking you are going to change her by having frank discussions is unlikely. That is unless she indicates a desire to have better relations with her now grownup kids. Try to not hold grudges for things from your childhood. As a adult you must let childhood go.

[mir86]

Originally Posted by yellowsnow

This sort of constant complaining is actually a source of pleasure for some people. Your mom may be one of those folks. I wonder if this has been kindly and tactfully pointed out to her?

H and I went on a cruise in the Med. Intentionally, we picked a small cruise line and an older ship. Two older women from Texas were some of the few Americans on board. We picked up on their accent right away because H is a Texan and we spent some time with them. We had to end up dumping them. They did nothing but complain. It was a constant litany and they never stopped. Nothing was good enough for them. And at the end of the cruise they had the nerve to complain that all the Americans were so unfriendly.... It never occurred to them that they were alone because they were so unpleasant.

That was a real lesson learned for me. For the whole cruise, those two women hung out together and complained. While the rest of us were immersed in great food and accommodations and the wonders of the Mediterranean countries we visited, they were so focused on what was wrong they didn't even SEE where they were. I walked away from that trip knowing I didn't ever want that to me!

Maybe you should share my story with your mom? Just give her the whole thread. Perhaps the fact that you were upset enough to post this might do the job.

you know my brothers and my dad and I have repeatedly told her that she enjoys being miserable and she still retorts back with how she thinks that not true. I'm a lot like my dad in that if I can't control something, I let it go and continue living my life happily cause its too short to be sad. My mom prefers to dwell, its her favorite poison I guess.

That cruise story sounds like my mom!! lol, though on vacation, she tends to be a tad bit more pleasant.

le roi-yes I have. She doesn't understand, at all.

[mir86]

Originally Posted by MattB4

You are old enough to be making your own way. Move out without the dramatics or the need to justify the move by complaining about your Mothers behavior. Simply explain it is time for you to do so. After you are on your own you can have contact or no contact based on how you can tolerate your mom.

Thinking you are going to change her by having frank discussions is unlikely. That is unless she indicates a desire to have better relations with her now grownup kids. Try to not hold grudges for things from your childhood. As a adult you must let childhood go.

I've lived on my own since I was 18. I only had to move back a couple years ago due to unfortunate circumstances. its a big deal I guess, because I promised to help her pay back a school loan that she took out for me in her name, once I graduate. If I have to take out another 15 grand in debt to finish school, its going to be really tough for me to help her with that. Not that I won't be able to at all, it'll just be really hard for me to. thats another element of guilt that I'm feeling too.

eh, I'm not trying to change her. Just would like to have some kind of relationship with my mother before its too late. This isn't about my childhood, she treats me like this currently, but yes, she's done this since childhood, its just gotten worse and worse.

[Book Lover 21]

My mom was like this. I always assumed that was just "the way she was". It turned out she has a hormone imbalance. She got on some medication and then she radically changed for the better.

[mir86]

Originally Posted by Book Lover 21

My mom was like this. I always assumed that was just "the way she was". It turned out she has a hormone imbalance. She got on some medication and then she radically changed for the better.

I'm thinking that might be it too, but I always thought at her age she'd be way past menopause. How long do those effects last?

[sierraAZ]

Based on background knowledge, I think she's unhappy here, regrets this decision she made on the premise of at least having a husband, but it's too late to fix the mistake. I can certainly relate to that. Now your father managed to get out of here and she didn't... Yeah, she probably feels stuck and unhappy and takes it out on you.

[MattB4]

Originally Posted by mir86

..
eh, I'm not trying to change her. Just would like to have some kind of relationship with my mother before its too late. ...

Than have some kind of relationship where her complaining is meaningless to you. Humor the old lady. You can always laugh about it later.

[mir86]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Based on background knowledge, I think she's unhappy here, regrets this decision she made on the premise of at least having a husband, but it's too late to fix the mistake. I can certainly relate to that. Now your father managed to get out of here and she didn't... Yeah, she probably feels stuck and unhappy and takes it out on you.

true, but the funny thing is, every time I ask, she swears she's happy here and says that at this point, she wouldn't move back home. I feel like she'd be way happier there.

matt-I've been trying for 10 years to have a relationship with that woman. Did you read the part where I said she's been pushing my brothers and I away? I know you're trying to help, but I think you think its as easy as snapping my fingers. Its not. sure I could just spend time with her, but she is not fun to be around. The tough part is, she's my mom and I love her.

[Book Lover 21]

Originally Posted by mir86

I'm thinking that might be it too, but I always thought at her age she'd be way past menopause. How long do those effects last?

Well, my mom didn't get medicated until she was about 55. The OP talks about being in school and her mom having approx 30 years left, so I figured it's a possibility.