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Old 06-11-2011, 12:57 AM
 
1,206 posts, read 2,923,499 times
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this is frivolous spending. I suggest u refuse to give her any money. And tellthe rest of your family to stop enabling her and spend some money on some therapy instead. Shes obviously has issues. Watching hoarders on a and e or intervention. The rest of the family need therapy too to learn how to stop being enablers and that it is hurting her rather then helping her.
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Old 06-11-2011, 03:47 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,113 posts, read 8,363,898 times
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If your brothers and sister are all well off, then $500 a week in spending money probably doesn't seem like a huge sum to them. And if they don't see your mom in person very often, then they may feel guilty denying her such a small sum to live on each week. How can they deny mom, when she's only asking for such a small amount?

But your living situation is very different from theirs - and to you $500 a week, or whatever it is, seems like a complete waste and way too much money for one person to spend.

Your brothers and sister are probably never going to agree with you - and will probably never put your mom on a budget. They just don't see things the same way you do. And if you're not contributing, you probably don't get a vote in how the money is spent.

But at the same time, they want you to do "your fair share" - and that's understandable. But it's also understandable that you can't afford it.

In other words, I don't think you should try to control your mother's spending. If your siblings want to give her the money, there's nothing you can do. But you absolutely must tell them you can't personally afford to give her any money - and that you won't be helping. Make it definitive - "I will not be contributing."

Yeah, they'll be a little peeved over it - but there's nothing you can do about that. And if they get really peeved, and it causes them to cut back on how much they give to your mom, then in the end you will have won, and she'll be on a budget - but it really does have to be the decision of those doing the contributing.
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Old 06-11-2011, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 12,650,185 times
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I am so sorry your siblings have allowed your mother to blow through her money in a frivilous manner. I would tell your siblings exactly what you have told us and see how they respond. If they persist that you must donate financially you might consider taking on the long distance phone issue again. However, with the caveat, that this will be her only phone and you will only pay the $40.00 per month bill. Tell them this is all you can afford and will be your only monetary contribution. Best wishes.
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Old 06-11-2011, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,755,761 times
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Is your mom showing any signs of memory loss? I ask because hoarding can be one of the first symptoms of alzheimer's and we're going thru a similar situation over here.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:45 AM
 
1,472 posts, read 2,625,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee View Post
I am so sorry your siblings have allowed your mother to blow through her money in a frivilous manner. I would tell your siblings exactly what you have told us and see how they respond. If they persist that you must donate financially you might consider taking on the long distance phone issue again. However, with the caveat, that this will be her only phone and you will only pay the $40.00 per month bill. Tell them this is all you can afford and will be your only monetary contribution. Best wishes.
You or I must mind-read cuz I got this very idea last Friday night.
I have serious issues with giving $ to a person who basically throws it away, even if it's my own mother.
I do not spend like that, I think because I watched her do it while I was growing up alone with her.
Even if we had tons of $, I'd have serious issues giving it to her. Without changes in her spending.

My fear now is that my brother is going to fill up her acct again, and continue to keep her on a very generous weekly living amt. I don't know how to talk to him about it, nor do I really feel like it at this point. I mean his way of asking us for $ contribution was via email. Hmmm. I have not, btw responded to his email yet. My other (poor) brother said he deleted it w/out responding. He told me not to stress about it.

I do want to give my opinion on how she needs a serious cut in her weekly funds but on the other hand, don't want to 'get into that' with this brother. I also feel like he should (or my sister who's on acct too) begin paying mother's monthly bills for her. So he can see how much $ is going out instead of it being a big secret, and also so he can then decrease her weekly allowance and give her only 'living, food, gas' money. In a much smaller amt than the previous $550/wk and now he says to be decreased to $475/week........WAY too much for one person! DOn't forget it's really going to be $675+/week when you add in her $880/month SS check! Hell, I"d love to have that much cash/week!

Anyways, I was mulling this very idea of Sunnydee over in my head. Telling my brother (via email) that I will, for a temporary trial period, purchase my mother a MetroPCS phone (again) and take on the bill myself (well, with my husbands earned $) monthly for a 6 month trial. AS LONG AS THIS IS HER ONE AND ONLY PHONE. IE she will get RID of her home phone. And use the cellphone for ALL calls. Local AND LONG-DISTANCE. I also want to have HIM do the news-breaking to her re: this idea....which she WILL NOT LIKE.

This is a great idea, I feel as I am not just throwing $ out the window (via my mother if I gave her some like my bro wants me to.) and I am NOT contributing to or enabling her unhealthy and frivolous spending habits, BUT I AM HELPING HER IN SOME POSITIVE WAY.

Thoughts out there? Thanks for all the replies, they are ALL great.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:47 AM
 
22,768 posts, read 30,670,896 times
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the word "enabler" comes to mind, regarding your two brothers, regardless of whether this is a personality issue or a medical/psychological issue.

somebody needs to put their foot down, RE: mom.
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:12 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 5,573,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twowolves View Post
Anyways, I was mulling this very idea of Sunnydee over in my head. Telling my brother (via email) that I will, for a temporary trial period, purchase my mother a MetroPCS phone (again) and take on the bill myself (well, with my husbands earned $) monthly for a 6 month trial. AS LONG AS THIS IS HER ONE AND ONLY PHONE. IE she will get RID of her home phone. And use the cellphone for ALL calls. Local AND LONG-DISTANCE. I also want to have HIM do the news-breaking to her re: this idea....which she WILL NOT LIKE.

This is a great idea, I feel as I am not just throwing $ out the window (via my mother if I gave her some like my bro wants me to.) and I am NOT contributing to or enabling her unhealthy and frivolous spending habits, BUT I AM HELPING HER IN SOME POSITIVE WAY.
The phone idea suggested by Sunnydee is a great one. $40 per month might be a manageable contribution for you. If your mom can be convinced to do it, it will cut down her needed weekly amount in the process.

However, I would not try to pressure your brother into being the one to tell your mom. Why is that any more his job than yours? I feel for all of you in this painful situation... it's hard on grown children when a parent starts to slip in their final years. I think you should get all your siblings on board with the idea (i.e. you are not giving any money freely, but you will set up and pay for the $40 per month phone ONLY if the other phone is immediately shut off) but you talk to your mother about it. Bring the new phone over, explain the "free" long distance calls now, then have the land phone shut off the same day.
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:13 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,788 posts, read 5,084,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebelson View Post
I have 1 sister and 3 brothers. For the record, my 2 eldest brothers are well-off (lawyer and highly paid govt employee). Third brother has virtually nothing, lives w/girlfriend. Sister married, doing well.

I am married w/3 boys and am a SAHM. I quit my nursing job to do this. My husband works a lot of OT as we are saving to relocate to another state and buy a home. (we have been renting for almost 2yrs now, sold our house before the crash.)

We live on a budget. My eldest son is almost done with HS, and has been accepted to 2 colleges in our state. He still has no car so we will likely have to help him out with that, as well as college.

My mother is still living on her own, but has some trouble getting around. She gets out daily to go shopping, but is overweight and so she can't walk very far for very long. All in all, she's doing ok on her own, her little condo is paid off and she gets ~$800/mo SS. Many years ago, she got an inheritance. She flew through that $ and when that was almost running out she got another inheritance. Flew through that and then my 2 eldest brothers and sister 'loaned' (they'll get it back when she passes from sale of her home) her
$50k around 1.5 yrs ago. It's almost gone.

I just got an email from one of the brothers this morning. He sent it as a group email to all of us, but it was more 'focused' on the 3rd brother and me. Asking for us to donate $ for our mother.

My mother is a semi-hoarder, or is addicted to shopping. She spends spends spends on things she does NOT need. Junk. Thrift stores, Target, buys food in large amts and lets it go rotten in her fridge. All the junk she buys eventually makes it out into her garage. From there it sits and eventually goes into a black garbage bag and to the curb.

My sister and the one brother are in charge of her $/account. They have had a hands-off approach with my mother. One of them moves $ over each week, Fridays I think, from a savings acct, to her checking acct, and that is her weekly amt to spend. If you ask me, this amt of $ for one week, is insane for one person. $550.00! Plus, add to that the SS $ which makes her weekly living ~$850.00! Yes, PER WEEK.

We are a family of 5 and we DO NOT even have that much spending $ per 2wks! On top of her spending habits, she has a long-distance phone call problem. She is constantly calling someone long distance. My brothers, my sister you name it. She has NO control over her calling problem nor does she try. She also calls 411 at LEISURE...when she has phone books available. She does not even bother to write down the frequently called #'s that she uses 411 over and over for. So she will call again and again for the same #. I won't even use 411 unless it's impossible for me to find the # in the phone book!

I have serious issues with the way that my sister and one brother have handled her $. Hands-off. They are on her accts. Now, the $ is running out and it's my problem. And my 3rd brothers problem. The verbage of the email was that 'they' (the 3) have helped her to 'live and eat' and now they are asking for 'something' from us. Well, we don't really have extra $ to give!

And if we did, I'd have a problem giving it w/the way my mother has the freedom to blow thru it! Pretend we could/would give her $1k, (a drop in the bucket for her.) it'd literally last her 2-3wks, when my husband has to work 30+hrs of OT to earn that much.

In the past, I have tried to give my sister and this one brother advice on how to help mom's $ to stretch out. I said to them, 'why is she getting so much $ per week, when we all know how she spends it?' I also have said to them, 'we HAVE to do something about her phone bills.....a $500.00 phone bill for ONE month is wasting her $'. And what do they do? Nothing because they don't want to UPSET her.

About 8 mos ago I even tried to actively help her out with her long-distance dilemma. I took her to MetroPCS, bought her a cell phone and got her signed up with the $40/month (never more) UNLIMITED long-distance plan. (what I use myself!) I then told my brother (he's on her acct) what I did and reiterated to him that her bill MUST be paid on time every month OR MetroPCS will cut off her phone and she'll lose her #. I told him if this happens, she'll then without saying anything, ditch the phone and get another one with AT&T or the like...where she'll pay exorbitant amts again, compared to the $40.

Well, whaddya know? That's what happened. He took hands-off to her phone bill and the other day I found a $557 phone bill from AT&T, this is just for her HOME phone. I found out the other day, when I was there cleaning, that she ALSO has a Verizon cell phone! When I asked her how much they charge her per month, and for how many minutes......she DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I am very upset at the way that these siblings have handled her $ over the past 2yrs. They ignored my opinion on things. If they had been more conservative, she'd have another year of funds left! Instead of one month! Now, from the email, it seems like it's my and my other (poor) brothers' emergency!

I was even willing to take over, pay her bills via bill pay for her. But, I am not on her bank acct. And I didn't want to step on the toes of the 2 siblings who are on her accts. So, it is what it is.

We are not poor but we are definitely on a budget and at this time, are seriously trying to save to buy our own home in another state. My husband works all the OT he can, for our savings toward this. We don't take vacations. This summer, we have NO plans. And at this time, my almost 19yo still doesn't have a car. He has a savings but not enough to buy a car/insurance/gas. He has tried for 3+ mos now, to get a job. Any job. But as we all know, the economy is in the dumps. Plus, he is almost ready to enroll in college and we will likely have help him some with that.

I feel bad that I can't just throw a check in the mail for 20k for my mom and say 'no problem!'. But, I can't. Even if I had it, I have a serious problem with her spending and the way that the 2 siblings are handling her $ for her. (giving her such hefty living amts) The email said her weekly sum was going to be decreased to $475....that's still, IMO, way too much for a single woman to live on, whom has minimal living bills. NO mortgage and NO car pmt. Plus, a SS check coming in.

I am local to my mom and am always here for her health issues, MD appts if she needs me, I often help clean her house for her, bring her food when/if she's not feeling well, and I am a hands-on type dtr. The others are not so much, but help her w/$ instead of being here. She often gets angry that she doesn't see them more. On another tangent, and I won't go detailed into it, my mother cuts me off (and others when she feels like it) at will and won't talk to me for months for something I don't even know that I did (or didn't) do. She is very difficult to get along with. She can be verbally/mentally abusive.

Any ideas on how to answer the email to my brother? I am unable at this time to help her. And, I do want to mention in the email, that I think that she's been allowed to virtually throw away thousands w/no oversight. My husband thinks I shouldn't mention this, but I feel like in some way/form, I 'need' to. Opinions?

I can already expect that I am going to be ostracized at my response (that I can't help).

WOW..and why is this your problem?
You don't owe anything to anybody that chooses to be in debt
Your mom has the help she wants..she is choosing this for herself
Your have more important things to do, thats your family
When you get emails.
Just say were not financially able to help at this time, our expenses are more important than throwing money away.
If they want to help..thats their business, doesn't mean are obligated to help too.
I personally wouldnt help out financially.
I dont waste money
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Over There
402 posts, read 1,404,736 times
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Cool Call your brother.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rebelson View Post
. . . Her little condo is paid off and she gets ~$800/mo SS. . . . is a semi-hoarder, or is addicted to shopping. She spends spends spends on things she does NOT need. Junk. . . . this amt of $ for one week, is insane for one person. $550.00! Plus, add to that the SS $ . . . asking for 'something' from us. Well, we don't really have extra $ to give! . . . a $500.00 phone bill for ONE month is wasting her $ . . .I found a $557 phone bill from AT&T, this is just for her HOME phone. I found out the other day, when I was there cleaning, that she ALSO has a Verizon cell phone! . . .

Any ideas on how to answer the email to my brother? . . .
I would suggest that you sit down and talk (on the phone or in person) to your brother. You know that she is spending too much money and that her spending and phone usage need to change. (There are unlimited plans for land lines as well as cell phones.)

Tell him what you've told us. You are helping, in person, where you are able. She has enough money--she just needs a better budget (and maybe a shopping escort).

Good luck!
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Old 06-13-2011, 11:49 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 54,045,943 times
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Well, two schools of thought on this one.

If a parent is really in a jam due to no fault of her own, then you have a moral obligation to help. After all, this is the person who gave you life, a home, food in your belly, clothes, and an education.

But, on the other hand, it sounds as if your mother just is a complete spendthrift and no amount of money will help her. If she is living in a paid-for condo and is still burning through $44,200 a year, it sounds as if she needs a little tough love. I may be grossly simplifying matters, but her only other expenses are going to be transportation, utilities, food, and the property taxes. If she's living in San Francisco or Manhattan, that might not be enough. But if she's living out in flyover land, then I would really wonder here the money is going. Seems like she's going broke one Wal-Mart bag at a time.

In that sense, you are not and cannot be financially responsible. If you feel the need to offer a token monthly amount, then do it. But the key here is to put your mom on a budget, watch for emotional problems that spurs this spending habit and appeal to your siblings to help hold the line.

I me
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