Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-09-2007, 08:50 AM
 
Location: I live 6 months in KCMO and 6 months in Europe
35 posts, read 267,397 times
Reputation: 84

Advertisements

I was unsure of where to put this thread. So i choose here because it has to do with the relationship of me and my parents.

I was taken away from both of my parents when I was 2 yrs old. They were alcholics and druggies and very neglective. I was placed in and out of foster care homes till I was 17 and joined the Army out of high school. I met my husband while stationed in Germany.He encouraged me to find my real family,( grandparents, siblings, parents...etc.), So after a long time of reasearch I finally found them. I was scared and nervous and still kind of mad at them. The first time i called my father the only thing I was able to get out was 'hello my name is Samantha' and we both cried for 30 min.

I went to my dads house 2 days after that phone call. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him for awhile. ( I was previously living at a friends house) I wish that I never had.I think that we moved entirely way to fast. After 15 years apart and of me never having parents or being loved I was desperate.

Well 2 years down the road here I am not talking to him again. I went with one of my friends to play some cards at my dads best friends house. I drank to much vodka and the last thing I remember was saying 'UNO'. I woke up with his friend beside me and I could tell that I had been raped. Back at my friends house I told her and she told me that we should tell the police. So we filed a report, they did a rape kit, the whole shibang. I did not want to tell my dad because I was afraid that he would Kill the guy... well far from that.
My dad did find out and told me that I had to drop the charges! He is still best friends with the guy.

I do not know exactly what I expected my life to be like after I found my parents. They both still do drugs, they both still drink. I think the moment that I found out that he was still friends with him, my heart shattered. I thought that for once in my life my dad would stick up for me. I guess he choose who he wanted in his life.

SOOO..... I guess that I am here for advise.

Me and my husband were married in a court room here in Germany with his friend as the witness. We are planning on having another wedding in the states next August. I want my father-in-law to walk me down the isle. Is that wrong of me? I have known him far longer than my real father and he treats me ALOT better. I want to still have some sort of relationship with my father but I am not sure how to go about that. I do know that it will go alot slower than the first time.

Please help me on what to do here. I am so stressed about this whole thing and I want to either get over it or get through it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-09-2007, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Indiana
270 posts, read 1,158,322 times
Reputation: 231
well that man is just your biological father and not your father. I say drop ties with him and maybe check in from time to time but overall he was not there for you and is still not. And as far as the father in law down the isle More power to you its your day not anybody elses.

You tried to make things right and it didnt work so I say get on with your life
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,496 posts, read 26,536,953 times
Reputation: 8966
do not know exactly what I expected my life to be like after I found my parents. They both still do drugs, they both still drink. I think the moment that I found out that he was still friends with him, my heart shattered. I thought that for once in my life my dad would stick up for me. I guess he choose who he wanted in his life. [quote]
______________________________

Sammi- so sorry. I can tell you from 8 years of experience (unfortunately) having been married to an alcoholic, that they will never change- you cannot change them- If he has been doing drugs also- well, he needs to want to change .Alcoholics behave selfishly, live in denial, and hurt those who love them. Alcoholism is an illness, and until he admits he has a problem, he may never change.

On the bright side you have a husband who loves you, be happy for that- and thats nice that you want your father-in-law at the wedding.

I am telling the true facts- I loved my husband- but he will never change, we are divorcing. He also has a 21 year old son from his first ex-wife- his son wants nothing to do with him- I will never learn what my h. did- but I believe his son was disgusted by his drunken behavior at times. His son never called him Dad - just by his first name. That says alot right there.

Hope this helps

sunny

Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 08-09-2007 at 09:02 AM.. Reason: add
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:02 AM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,401 posts, read 13,348,501 times
Reputation: 5774
I agree with the Juicebox. Just because he was your biological donor, does not mean you hold any responsibilities towards building a relationship with him. Hold your head up high when you walk down that isle with your father-in-law. and more power to you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:03 AM
 
Location: ARK-KIN-SAW
3,434 posts, read 9,727,034 times
Reputation: 1596
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Juicebox View Post
well that man is just your biological father and not your father. I say drop ties with him and maybe check in from time to time but overall he was not there for you and is still not. And as far as the father in law down the isle More power to you its your day not anybody elses.

You tried to make things right and it didnt work so I say get on with your life
def agree, drop ties with him, you cant expect him to be there for you now, if he wasnt there for you in all that time yall were apart.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,888 posts, read 30,136,994 times
Reputation: 19062
Quote:
Originally Posted by SammieJean View Post
I was unsure of where to put this thread. So i choose here because it has to do with the relationship of me and my parents.

I was taken away from both of my parents when I was 2 yrs old. They were alcholics and druggies and very neglective. I was placed in and out of foster care homes till I was 17 and joined the Army out of high school. I met my husband while stationed in Germany.He encouraged me to find my real family,( grandparents, siblings, parents...etc.), So after a long time of reasearch I finally found them. I was scared and nervous and still kind of mad at them. The first time i called my father the only thing I was able to get out was 'hello my name is Samantha' and we both cried for 30 min.

I went to my dads house 2 days after that phone call. He asked me if I wanted to stay with him for awhile. ( I was previously living at a friends house) I wish that I never had.I think that we moved entirely way to fast. After 15 years apart and of me never having parents or being loved I was desperate.

Well 2 years down the road here I am not talking to him again. I went with one of my friends to play some cards at my dads best friends house. I drank to much vodka and the last thing I remember was saying 'UNO'. I woke up with his friend beside me and I could tell that I had been raped. Back at my friends house I told her and she told me that we should tell the police. So we filed a report, they did a rape kit, the whole shibang. I did not want to tell my dad because I was afraid that he would Kill the guy... well far from that.
My dad did find out and told me that I had to drop the charges! He is still best friends with the guy.

I do not know exactly what I expected my life to be like after I found my parents. They both still do drugs, they both still drink. I think the moment that I found out that he was still friends with him, my heart shattered. I thought that for once in my life my dad would stick up for me. I guess he choose who he wanted in his life.

SOOO..... I guess that I am here for advise.

Me and my husband were married in a court room here in Germany with his friend as the witness. We are planning on having another wedding in the states next August. I want my father-in-law to walk me down the isle. Is that wrong of me? I have known him far longer than my real father and he treats me ALOT better. I want to still have some sort of relationship with my father but I am not sure how to go about that. I do know that it will go alot slower than the first time.

Please help me on what to do here. I am so stressed about this whole thing and I want to either get over it or get through it.
whatever you decide to do, concerning your real dad and your father in law is entirely up to you...I would only say one thing, have no expectations when it comes to your real father...except expect the worse....being an alcoholic in my book doesn't excuse anyone from their actions, matter of fact, if he possessed love and respect for you...he would have been different about the entire situation....don't think of him as your father when it comes to decissions as such...and maybe you will be able to make better decissions, if your not connected emotionally....remember, when it comes to family members we seem to excuse their actions...I would say......don't.

Hugs to you and my best
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:09 AM
 
245 posts, read 265,020 times
Reputation: 37
before you drop all ties with him (if you go this route) see if there are any medical issues you should know about for the future. It might not be a biggie now but in the future it sure could come in handy!

All the best!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Looking over your shoulder
31,304 posts, read 32,793,625 times
Reputation: 84477
You have standards don’t allow “anyone” to ask you to lower them! File the report and hold true to what you believe is right. Don’t look back with sorrow but look to the future knowing that you are better then that and that you have high standards. Look for other who share the same values as you do, and don’t allow friends or family members to make you less then what you know you are.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:17 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 1,170,889 times
Reputation: 553
Well, obviously you need to press charges if that is what it takes for you to get closure on the rape. So that's a non-issue in my mind. If your dad has a problem with your pressing charges, then your dad has a problem. Not you. At least with that.

But what really got my attention here wasn't the rape. It was the fact that both your parents were/are alcoholics and addicts and then all this happened while you were so drunk that you apparently blacked out.

You are aware that alcoholism is a family disease, right?

You are aware that the drinking is but a symptom of the underlying problem, right?

If you aren't already conversant with the signs and, more imporantly, the feelings associated with alcoholism, I think you should be. The episode you described above is not social drinking! And that's not intended to be an accusation, just my observation is all. An informed observation, I might add, because I know quite a bit about alcoholism and recovery.

Oh yeah... and if it's who's to walk you down the aisle that's your real question... if's your wedding... have whoever YOU want to walk you down the aisle do the honors. You owe nothing to your biological father at this point.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2007, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,256 posts, read 8,885,399 times
Reputation: 1848
You father IMO has never done anything to deserve the honor of walking you down the aisle. I think the best thing to do to have a better life is to accept that they your parents never learned from their mistakes, and move on with YOUR life. You should have realized by now that you were definitely better off without you parents and should probably seek couseling for the rape if that is still having any major impact on your life and relationship. Counseling could also help with your feelings about your father's ignorance (sorry if that hurts, but it's the only word that fits IMO).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top