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Old 08-06-2011, 11:55 AM
47,576 posts, read 60,475,092 times
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Originally Posted by raubre View Post
If she wasn't lonely, why else would she want to take him back after he was living with another woman?
1. She likes depending on others for something.

2. She may feel she won out over the other woman, she got her man back and he's going to go on taking care of her.
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Old 08-06-2011, 02:15 PM
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,927,666 times
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Her self esteem is derived from having a man.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:07 PM
12,050 posts, read 11,110,347 times
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Your mom is 58. At this point, she is very unlikely to change.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:16 PM
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,274 posts, read 19,747,462 times
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She's 58, she's earned the right to live her life the way she wants, not the way you want.

It would be no different if you were writing about your son or daughter. You can't run their lives for them.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:46 PM
12,870 posts, read 15,354,667 times
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Originally Posted by raubre View Post

If she wasn't lonely, why else would she want to take him back after he was living with another woman?
Maybe...because she likes him??and enjoys his company? You are thinking like a man who doesn't believe his mother is of sound mind...don't you think you can trust her to do what she feels is best for her and her happiness?
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Old 08-13-2011, 10:03 AM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,360,484 times
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Nobody likes "shoulds." You "should do this" or you "should do that" according to me and what I feel is right and best for you...Young people don't like it when their parents "butt-in" and hand them a lot of "shoulds" concerning their life and older people tend to feel the same way...We all search for people who like and appreciate us just the way we are...Versus being around people who keep telling us that our ways are wrong and that we need to change to please them...We're all part of different generations. Some of my parent's ways seemed weird and foreign to me when I was younger. And now I'm an "oldie" myself and my ways may seem weird and foreign to my son at times. Just like his ways seem "different" to me at times. But we talk it all out and take time to get to know and understand each other better...My other son (who passed away) probably thought that I was a "whacko" and "nut case" at times because there was a wide cultural gap between us. I wasn't modern and progressive enough to suit him. But we were able to "connect" once in awhile...Anyway nobody likes to be judged or labeled or considered incompetent. Nobody wants to be handed a barrel of "shoulds." Nobody wants to be viewed as a "problem child."....I thought that I was a pretty self-reliant woman but I've had a chance to see my "weaknesses" since my husband passed away last year. I think we will always have lessons to learn at any age.
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Old 08-14-2011, 11:26 AM
3,592 posts, read 4,707,548 times
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Originally Posted by raubre View Post
OK. My mother is 58 years old (I'm her 37 yearl old son.) All of her life she always had to rely on people to help her with things. My uncle raised her growing up. In her adult life she went to him for everything (money, fixing cars, etc.) He was good to her but wouldn't say no. He had passsed away a few years back.

My mother met her current husband (almost 20 years ago already.) They have been married for 13 years. Recently they seperated due to financial issues. She was working part time up until recently (she has a new job now) due to a car accident which left her rotator cuff (Is that what it's called?) torn. My aunt (my late uncle's wife, my mother's SIL) told me that my mother's husband had moved to another state and was living with another woman.

Anyway, since they were separated, we were trying to help my mother be more independent (since she has relied on my uncle all these years and also her hubby.) SHe then got back together with her husband (we say it's because she was lonely.) Anyway I know there's no changing my mother's mind as far as her relationship with her husband.

My main concern is trying to help my mother gain independence and being not so reliant on other people. How can I try to convince her to get out and meet new friends or to get out and do things on her own, so she doesn't feel lonely when no one else is around? She seems to be afraid to eat out by herself or have fun on her own.
There's not much you can do to dramatically turn her life around, or compel her to make better life choices.

Maybe you could help her get control of her finances. You could go with her to Consumer Credit Counseling Services there's probably one in her area. They're a nonprofit organization. They could provide some financial counseling, and this could be one step towards independence for your mom. She's rolling fast toward her traditional retirement years and if she doesn't straighten the financial messes out, this will probably translate into an increased financial burden for you unless you help her now. Good luck.
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Old 08-21-2011, 04:56 AM
Location: H-town, TX.
3,428 posts, read 5,750,828 times
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Originally Posted by Dollydo View Post
Unfortunately, you cannot make her independent. All you can do is not enable her, do not do things for her that she can do for herself.

Many women are preprogrammed to feel dependent on men, and their self esteem is solely based on having a man.

Aside from therapy, I do not know of any way to correct this issue. Perhaps others will have the solution.
This is Troof.

Back in the day, my mom used to always ask me to go with her to the store to grab a can of corn or a bag of rice...knowing that I had worked a long night.


"You got keys and a car...get to stepping!"

Okay, didn't go there, but I think it took her getting hitched again to feel worthwhile.

Now, she's just gotten uppity and bitter that her kids have grown up and I get nagged for being able to afford someone else to change my truck's oil...or that I won't take her seriously when she urges me to get my F150 taken in for a recall that only affects a bunch of northern states...or that I won't consider moving back closer to her and my stepdad. Most parents want their kids to do well in life. Oh well.


The FB block for mom is coming, isn't it? Oy.
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Old 08-21-2011, 12:57 PM
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,832 posts, read 41,892,438 times
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What things exactly can't she "do for herself"? Put a roof on the house? Re-plumb the bathroom? What?

If your uncle raised her then he became her surrogate father (and he probably had that mindset) and parents are usually very willing to help out their kids.

I didn't catch whether she has a car but if she does she's mobile and by your account she's working. Is she asking you for money?

The husband. Who can explain why people do what they do in relationships?

As it is, since you've chosen to be carless with no transportation to her house I'd tell you to mind your own damned business unless she asks you to do something, which you probably can't anyway since you have no transportation. She'd have to come pick you up.

As a note, your mother and I are the same age, well she's a year older.
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