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Old 08-13-2011, 09:18 PM
 
663 posts, read 939,183 times
Reputation: 940

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My dad and I have not communicated in about two years; he stopped all communication after a conversation we had at a family get-together in 2009. Typically when dad doesn't like something, he disagrees, or someone disagrees with him....they're cut off. He's done this to his parents, once for 10+ years, he did it to my mom pre-divorce, and to all four of his siblings at one time or another. Should also mention dad and I have never been close. Parents divorced in '74 and he did the visitation thing for about a year, eventually stopped altogether. Child support was garnished and many years would pass in-between visits from him. As an adult, I've noticed he's often not nice to others, seemingly as a general rule, and he was often intoxicated and I know he still smokes pot. I really can't think of much good to say about him, he's always been a very difficult person.

Estrangement....I don't miss him. Aside from everything I mentioned above, dad never takes responsibility for anything. Never has and likely never will. Many years ago I asked him why he chose to visit so infrequently during my childhood. He told me if visiting me meant having to deal with my mom, he "didn't need it." Told him that was a sorry excuse, as was he as a dad....resulted in a few years of no communication, just like now.

This time I'm not bothered by the silence, I'm relieved. I do know eventually
he will come around but I'd rather he not. I believe he's a very toxic person
and this break from him has helped me to see this more clearly. Since we've
never been close, there isn't much to miss. Additionally, most of his personality traits and behavior are mildly annoying to appalling.

Since I'm 99% sure he will want to reconcile at some point (typical pattern), I
occasionally think about the best way to reject the offer, so to speak. If I ignore the eventual efforts, it seems I am only sinking to his level. I also hate
hurting anyone's feelings, even those of people I don't like. So being upfront.... I could do it but it would bug me. If nothing else, I can hope he just never bothers to contact me again, because I won't be making the effort to initiate contact....not ever.

I know it must sound as though I have no care or concern for the guy and I really don't, not as a parent. I wish him well but he truly has never added anything positive to my life. He was a deadbeat dad and at now 60+ yo he continues pretty much the same way. Add to that the substance abuse and generally a-holeish behavior towards everyone....I can't see any point in reconciliation. At any rate, the next time I p*ss him off we'll be back to no contact anyway. I'm 40 and he's now in his 60's....he's just worn out his welcome with me. I wish nothing bad on him, I don't hate him, I'm not even angry; I'm just done with it. When I turned 18 I gave him another chance, the slate was wiped clean. Our relationship hasn't improved and he hasn't
changed. I spent a lot of time in therapy years ago and comfortable with who I am - don't need dad and don't believe he's going to change. If he did now, it would be a shocker and probably too little, too late.

Input on how to best decline reconciliation (that is, if he ever tries). Sink to
his level and ignore it, or just be upfront? As I mentioned, I hate hurting
anyone's feelings, even his. I wouldn't intend to be a jerk to him while being rejecting, but it seems there's no way this conversation could go well. Or would ignoring him work just as well?
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Old 08-13-2011, 09:20 PM
 
663 posts, read 939,183 times
Reputation: 940
Don't know why my OP above posted with weird paragraph breaks....
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Old 08-13-2011, 09:47 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
26,910 posts, read 5,779,241 times
Reputation: 30152
Very sorry to hear of your long, painful relationship with him. I do applaud you for having come to your current conclusion. You have a clear understanding of him and no false hopes.

Be strong & protective of yourself in dealing with him...don't concern yourself with hurting his feelings. Show/tell/write him you have had enough & no longer will tolerate his rather bizarre actions..and if comfortable doing so, tell him WHY.

Only you can decide how to proceed, but you DO sound ready to live your life without the pain he causes... I wish you the best~you deserve it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurePugx3 View Post
My dad and I have not communicated in about two years; he stopped all communication after a conversation we had at a family get-together in 2009. Typically when dad doesn't like something, he disagrees, or someone disagrees with him....they're cut off. He's done this to his parents, once for 10+ years, he did it to my mom pre-divorce, and to all four of his siblings at one time or another. Should also mention dad and I have never been close. Parents divorced in '74 and he did the visitation thing for about a year, eventually stopped altogether. Child support was garnished and many years would pass in-between visits from him. As an adult, I've noticed he's often not nice to others, seemingly as a general rule, and he was often intoxicated and I know he still smokes pot. I really can't think of much good to say about him, he's always been a very difficult person.

Estrangement....I don't miss him. Aside from everything I mentioned above, dad never takes responsibility for anything. Never has and likely never will. Many years ago I asked him why he chose to visit so infrequently during my childhood. He told me if visiting me meant having to deal with my mom, he "didn't need it." Told him that was a sorry excuse, as was he as a dad....resulted in a few years of no communication, just like now.

This time I'm not bothered by the silence, I'm relieved. I do know eventually
he will come around but I'd rather he not. I believe he's a very toxic person
and this break from him has helped me to see this more clearly. Since we've
never been close, there isn't much to miss. Additionally, most of his personality traits and behavior are mildly annoying to appalling.

Since I'm 99% sure he will want to reconcile at some point (typical pattern), I
occasionally think about the best way to reject the offer, so to speak. If I ignore the eventual efforts, it seems I am only sinking to his level. I also hate
hurting anyone's feelings, even those of people I don't like. So being upfront.... I could do it but it would bug me. If nothing else, I can hope he just never bothers to contact me again, because I won't be making the effort to initiate contact....not ever.

I know it must sound as though I have no care or concern for the guy and I really don't, not as a parent. I wish him well but he truly has never added anything positive to my life. He was a deadbeat dad and at now 60+ yo he continues pretty much the same way. Add to that the substance abuse and generally a-holeish behavior towards everyone....I can't see any point in reconciliation. At any rate, the next time I p*ss him off we'll be back to no contact anyway. I'm 40 and he's now in his 60's....he's just worn out his welcome with me. I wish nothing bad on him, I don't hate him, I'm not even angry; I'm just done with it. When I turned 18 I gave him another chance, the slate was wiped clean. Our relationship hasn't improved and he hasn't
changed. I spent a lot of time in therapy years ago and comfortable with who I am - don't need dad and don't believe he's going to change. If he did now, it would be a shocker and probably too little, too late.

Input on how to best decline reconciliation (that is, if he ever tries). Sink to
his level and ignore it, or just be upfront? As I mentioned, I hate hurting
anyone's feelings, even his. I wouldn't intend to be a jerk to him while being rejecting, but it seems there's no way this conversation could go well. Or would ignoring him work just as well?
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Old 08-13-2011, 09:53 PM
 
530 posts, read 601,161 times
Reputation: 1275
Gee, I don't know. But how will whatever decision you make regarding your handling of your situation make you feel when one day he's dead and gone?

It's very hard to forgive someone who has hurt us very deeply, and yet an unforgiving spirit is like a poison to our souls. Good luck as you proceed....
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Old 08-13-2011, 09:59 PM
 
Location: Westcoast
313 posts, read 385,717 times
Reputation: 396
Do you think you'd be better off terminating his efforts permanently?

Reason I ask is that I think he wore out his welcome with many people in his life, which spells a-l-o-n-e in old age. He may soon begin to feel rather volatile and "alone" and try to re-establish another relationship with you. But this does not mean that he has changed or mellowed out. This is something you should consider, and try to filter right up front, because you do not want him to continue this overbearing b.s. when he becomes elderly and dependent.
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Old 08-13-2011, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Northeast NE
696 posts, read 1,496,443 times
Reputation: 283
I am an estranged dad. My daughter is 20 now and we haven't even emailed in several years.

I am also a single dad of a 14 year son who has an estranged mother so I see both sides of the story.

I don't know your dad's personality but being the absent parent is very difficult.
The child lives with your ex and has their personal/personality habits since they live with them .
The list on complications of visitation could go on for pages.

The point being is that it evolves a lot more then showing up every other weekend and sending a check once a month.
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Old 08-13-2011, 10:20 PM
 
663 posts, read 939,183 times
Reputation: 940
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny how?;
Gee, I don't know. But how will whatever decision you make regarding your handling of your situation make you feel when one day he's dead and gone?

It's very hard to forgive someone who has hurt us very deeply, and yet an unforgiving spirit is like a poison to our souls. Good luck as you proceed....
I have forgiven him and many times over, but it does not mean I need or want a relationship with him. He's a toxic person who chooses this path and no one can help him with that. Being a deadbeat dad and abusive (emotionally and a few times physically) was one thing but he hasn't changed. There was a point in time, however many estrangements back, that I would have moved mountains to reconcile the relationship but no more. Back in 2009 when we had the disagreement, I did try to contact him twice to no avail. I've heard nothing from him. While this can be typical for him, by no means do I need to tolerate it because it will happen again....only a matter of time. As far as when he's dead and gone, I don't know how I'll feel about that. I guess I will hope he's had a fulfilling life in w/e way he's chosen to live it.

The onus was really on him to do his part and he chose not to. Not when I was a kid or an adult. I have forgiven him but this has happened one too many times. His choice.
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Old 08-13-2011, 10:48 PM
 
663 posts, read 939,183 times
Reputation: 940
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustMe_T3K;
I am an estranged dad. My daughter is 20 now and we haven't even emailed in several years.

I am also a single dad of a 14 year son who has an estranged mother so I see both sides of the story.

I don't know your dad's personality but being the absent parent is very difficult.
The child lives with your ex and has their personal/personality habits since they live with them .
The list on complications of visitation could go on for pages.

The point being is that it evolves a lot more then showing up every other weekend and sending a check once a month.

I see your point but I only brought my childhood situation up to point out a pattern of behavior that exists with my dad. I'm 40 and it's been a long time since the days of visitation rights and child support. However, I have a 20yo daughter myself and she has some personality traits you could attribute to me, and some to her dad/my ex. I can't stand my ex and sure the feeling is mutual. But of course she has personality traits from each of us, we're her parents! However, these things would never play into the relationship each of us have with her. So I don't agree this small aspect should play into any "complications" a parent might have with visitation. It's on the parent to be the grown-up, not the kid. I don't care if he thinks my mom is the devil; he married her and had a kid with her.....just because they changed their minds didn't relieve him of his parental responsibilities. He relieved himself of that, I forgave him for that, he still hasn't changed.:rolleyes

Based on what you mentioned, I hope you don't distance yourself from your daughter because she may remind you of your ex.

Sure, it does involve a lot more than showing up EOW and paying child
support. My dad rarely did the former and was legally forced to do the latter. I did not see or hear from my dad from when I was 9 through the age of 15.....that's a bit different than EOW. At 60+ he's still blaming it on someone who divorced him in.....1974. Hmmm....I think that excuse has grown a little old.
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Old 08-13-2011, 11:00 PM
 
4,101 posts, read 6,127,308 times
Reputation: 5644
What would you do if your roles were reversed? What would you think if your child did this to you? Don't say you wouldn't let that happen, what if it did? Even if your Father is a jerk, he is still your Father. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, you have to take the 'high road', and when you do, you will feel better about yourself. Believe it or not, children are not always perfect either...
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Old 08-13-2011, 11:13 PM
 
663 posts, read 939,183 times
Reputation: 940
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunJoaquin;
Do you think you'd be better off terminating his efforts permanently?

Reason I ask is that I think he wore out his welcome with many people in his life, which spells a-l-o-n-e in old age. He may soon begin to feel rather volatile and "alone" and try to re-establish another relationship with you. But this does not mean that he has changed or mellowed out. This is something you should consider, and try to filter right up front, because you do not want him to continue this overbearing b.s. when he becomes elderly and dependent.
Permanently? Yes. I have not been given a reason to consider otherwise.

I doubt very seriously he will change and if he continues on the path he's always been on, he will be one cantankerous and difficult SOB once elderly. I'm not sure how his family will handle that.

I'm quite sure he's worn out his welcome with most of his relatives. He's the second oldest of five. His older brother lives on the other side of the country (smart guy) and rarely speaks to anyone in the family. He has a younger brother and sister who are still around for him. However, his other brother....my dad abused the h*ll out of him while growing up, basically
tortured him daily. I believe my father picked up on the fact that his brother was different from the rest of them. My uncle is, in fact, gay and as it turns out, my dad has been quite the homophobe....even when they were kids. They still do not speak. My grandparents are very elderly and my grandma turns a blind eye to it all. My grandfather, per my grandmother, is not "allowed" to say anything critical about my dad. She is an alcoholic and an enabler.

So hopefully he doesn't run the one brother and sister off before needing
assistance in old age. If he came to me I would help him get into a place where he would be taken care of. He has far more issues than I could effectively deal with on my own.
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