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Old 09-07-2011, 03:58 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,695 posts, read 4,075,093 times
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Wow, can I relate! I don't even know where to begin as I've found very similar situations with people I used to consider friends.

When I lost my job last year (after 10 1/2 yrs), the two woman I most closely associated with decided that I wasn't worthy of even returning calls, let alone emails. One woman lived but three blocks from my home but she cut all ties. The other woman bad mouths me to my former coworkers (not sure what she got from that) and then tells our mutual acquaintances that she doesn't understand why I won't speak with her. Well, I was speaking with her until she stopped the calls and emails and then I heard this news...well, you get the idea.

I absolutely get the idea of friendship and understand it's give and take, but it really does seem that etiquette and courtesy have gone right out the window. I'm not a formal person and I have just a few simple expectations...like being nice to me...but it seems that people I've run into expect so much more...or maybe they're just ME ME ME and what can you do for ME?

Well, I guess if I had more to offer, other than a fine, home-cooked meal, I might be able to market myself a little better... :-)
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Old 09-07-2011, 04:25 PM
 
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I do think our society has gone into a "ME ME ME" mode over the last 15+ years. Not that it didn't exist already, but it seems more prevalent. There is no reason to cut someone off unless they have done something bad, cruel, or disrespectful to you--your former coworkers are just plain stupid. At its simplest, they are burning bridges of someone who may have helped them meet their next employer or opportunity or introduced them to new wonderful people. You just never know in life. Jobs are not forever! I think we (society) have our priorities all wrong.

That said, I've cut ties a lot in my life and have ended up burning some bridges too. I know people who never let any relationship go, no matter how distant or dysfunctional it may be, because they think they may be able to get something from that person in the future. I don't think that way myself. If I'm angry or hurt or feel dissed or whatever...I float away for awhile, sometimes forever. I then work through my feelings in various ways. Sometimes time heals, sometimes not.

When I've tried to nicely confront issues with friends, it's blown up in my face and the friendship ended anyway, because the other person resented my bringing up the issue. It didn't matter how carefully I worded things and how I took responsibility for my own feelings, the friend went straight into either defensive or attack mode, sometimes both. After having that happen a few times, I've learned my lesson and I no longer confront. I take my anger and walk away....
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Old 09-07-2011, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,695 posts, read 4,075,093 times
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Boy, do I understand that. And confrontation is just confronting an issue that needs addressing; it doesn't have to be an awful, hurtful exchange. "Hey, I was just hoping to clear the air b/c I care about you enough to want peace..." and WHAM...defenses and anger rise up quickly. I, too, have basically "released" some people as well. Although, you sound much more decisive. It took me awhile to understand what was happening and I'm always hopeful for a positive outcome. Well, before I kept getting the screw!

I've had to "float" away from family AND friends who seem so wrapped up in their own lives that basic decency seems a distant thought to their needs. The thing is, I really enjoyed these people and thought that they enjoyed my company as well. And I'm pretty good natured, so what does make people do it to you when you feel you have perfectly good reasons for doing it to others?

I can only say for myself that I've always tried to communicate with those folks, only to have been met with a brick wall. They knew why I was walking away...I only wish people who did it to me would be as up front...and remember, it doesn't have to cut to the bone to make a point.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:50 PM
 
Location: California
4,536 posts, read 5,441,747 times
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Maybe it is about fexliblity. Not all relationships can or should survive our changing interests as we travel our path; maybe we wouldn't continue to grow if they did. However, I still believe in good manners but I think the country's culture has changed too much so there aren't as many people who know how to behave, even if they aren't just business associates.
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:43 AM
 
20 posts, read 38,131 times
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Well fool me once shame on you...fool me twice, thrice...shame on me!

Guess who just pulled another schedule lunch and then cancel the morning of? Yep! Person #1 as mentioned in my original post. After cancelling lunch on Tues she wanted to reschedule for today. I ignored her request and she contacted me again yesterday wanting to have lunch today. So I said yes and figured I'd give it one last chance.

Well lo and behold, she just cancelled AGAIN! Said she's still not feeling well and also isn't very hungry. And yet yesterday she was tracking me down to schedule for today. Let's see....there hasn't been more than 1 plan out of the last 10 made in which she has not cancelled or postponed. Yes, I kept giving her chances and I was an idiot for doing so.

Now I can drop her altogether with no ensuing guilt.
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:52 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,892 posts, read 13,501,706 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ali Says View Post
Well fool me once shame on you...fool me twice, thrice...shame on me!

Guess who just pulled another schedule lunch and then cancel the morning of? Yep! Person #1 as mentioned in my original post. After cancelling lunch on Tues she wanted to reschedule for today. I ignored her request and she contacted me again yesterday wanting to have lunch today. So I said yes and figured I'd give it one last chance.

Well lo and behold, she just cancelled AGAIN! Said she's still not feeling well and also isn't very hungry. And yet yesterday she was tracking me down to schedule for today. Let's see....there hasn't been more than 1 plan out of the last 10 made in which she has not cancelled or postponed. Yes, I kept giving her chances and I was an idiot for doing so.

Now I can drop her altogether with no ensuing guilt.
You should ask her to grab dinner instead. Then see what she says, lol.
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:58 AM
 
20 posts, read 38,131 times
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She already said she's not feeling well and is heading out of town for 2 weeks and we won't be able to get together until the end of Sept. She has 2 little kids and is not available in the evenings. This was a voicemail msg.

Nawww....I'm done. There's just no point in flogging that dead horse anymore.
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Old 09-08-2011, 08:04 AM
 
20 posts, read 38,131 times
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And just as a comparison...when I haven't particularly felt great or even hungry and I have a lunch scheduled with someone, I go anyway, unless I am contagious. I figure I can get some soup if I'm not hungry. For me it's important to keep the plans and see my friend and catch up. My not feeling 100% is not enough to make me cancel.

Besides, I don't believe her excuses. I think she wakes up and decides whether she feels like doing whatever social thing she scheduled and if she is no longer interested she cancels. That's been my experience. I think she lies to get out of the plan. Therefore, she's flaky AND a liar. Not qualities I want to be around.
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Old 09-08-2011, 08:19 AM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,284,830 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ali Says View Post
Wow Heidi, I completely understand.

I think perhaps my experiences are not so uncommon afterall. What you've described is very familiar.

Admittedly I've always been sensitive when it comes to flakiness--it is one of my pet peeves, along with people who are chronically late. I pride myself on being reliable and usually punctual and respectful. I don't ask people for favors very often (actually very rarely). If I need something done, I pay someone to do it. I don't believe in burdening other people--and I guess I'm also afraid they will let me down anyway, so I just don't test it.

I also think about reciprocating...for instance I make sure and treat a friend (or I guess 'acquaintance') every now and then. I always am thankful for people's kindness and I don't take it for granted. Because I don't cook much or entertain, my forms of reciprocity are usually treating someone to a meal out or doing something for them they need/want.

But I do have boundaries. The one friend who 'lectured' me in that email asked me last year to get up before 5am to take her to the airport for a 6:30am flight! I had offered to take her to the airport as long as she didn't have an early flight. Then she told me the time of her flight and I said "sorry, but no." I gave her a couple other options for cheap transportation or parking at the airport, but the thought of having to pay was beyond her comprehension, so she found another friend who agreed to take her. I ended up picking her up on her return back (which was after 10pm). I would NEVER ask someone to get up at o'darkthirty and drive me to the airport. I don't even ask anyone for a ride to the airport at normal times!

Recently I have made the observation that people (and yes, this is a big generalization) seem to value others more when they have to work much harder for their friendship. The more accommodating one is, the more solicitous and caring one is, it appears the less one is respected and appreciated. Has anyone else noticed this?
We must be living parallel lives and made of the same cloth. I have had the same issues with "friends". I have wondered with all their flakiness and lack of dependability, how do those people maintain a job?
Someone else said life is too short so that is the mentality I have decided to take and focus on other things. I have decided to focus on losing weight and getting a job. Good luck on both our job hunts!!! Hopefully we won't be competing against each other for the same job, LOL!
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