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Old 09-12-2011, 06:04 AM
 
Location: Washington, DC area
607 posts, read 1,054,401 times
Reputation: 692

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I've been friends with this woman for a number of years. We met in graduate school and have been close ever since. In school, we'd hang out every daya and she helped me get through a tough breakup. She finished school before I did and moved abroad soon after, where she met her now husband. My friend and her husband moved back to the States a while ago and now we live in the same city. When she first moved back, I thought we'd hang out and talk a lot, but she was always busy spending time with her husband and I seldom saw her. I was new to the city so I didn't have many friends and I was a little upset that she didn't want to hang out very often, but I got over it and ended up meeting new friends.

Now, my friend and her husband are having serious maritial problems. They don't talk unless it's yelling and they are likely going to get divorced. I talk to my friend a lot and I'm happy to listen and let her vent and we hang out every couple of weeks or so. But here's the problem...she's so jealous. She refuses to meet my new friends and whenever she asks me to do something and I say I'm busy, she gets mad. I would be happy if she came and hung out with my other friends and me, but she refuses and the one and only time she did, she made one of my other friends feel uncomfortable by being rude. Also, she's having financial issues and the last couple of times we hung out, she wanted me to pay for everything. I really don't have a problem paying for dinner or a movie for us every once in a while, but I don't want to do it all the time.
I do enjoy hanging out with my friend and up until recently, I felt like we could talk about anything and that we'd always be there for eachother...but I don't know if I can deal with this. I've tried to explain how I feel to her but I don't know if she doesn't listen or doesn't care. Either way, the whole thing is getting on my nerves and I've started letting her calls go to voicemail.

This is weird, right? Has anything like this happened to anyone else? If so, what did you do?

Thanks,

Snd
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:31 AM
 
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
2,767 posts, read 2,286,064 times
Reputation: 2343
Were your friends ever rude to her? I had a friend whose friends had so little emotional intelligence, I started declining invitations to parties. My friend never knew why and the friendship eventually just dissolved.
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:35 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,892 posts, read 13,474,172 times
Reputation: 15333
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snd485 View Post
she helped me get through a tough breakup.
.....
Now, my friend and her husband are having serious marital problems.
Looks like now that the tables have turned, she's calling in the favor.
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:39 AM
 
Location: The Mitten
790 posts, read 1,106,581 times
Reputation: 629
Well, people change. Give them a few years and they might even be a totally different person.

Yes, I've had friends that turned a new leaf; good and bad. For example; one friend I was very close to in school. We helped each other in homework, had every class together, hung out after school quit a bit. For three years of school, classes, after school we were pretty close. Then our senior year she did a 180; started wearing baggy clothes, cut her long blond hair to my length (short but with some different color spikes). I couldn't even talk to her because the way she acted. Meh, I shrugged her off. She was just some girl I met in high school that seemed dumber than a box of rocks and got into a lot of trouble afterward.

Anyways, like I said, people change. You were apart for a while and got to grow on things you liked. Heck, you're probably the person that really changed.

I don't know if you were looking for advice but just start being honest with her. While honesty can hurt, "Only a true friend can be truly honest."
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Old 09-12-2011, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Washington, DC area
607 posts, read 1,054,401 times
Reputation: 692
Thanks for the comments. I guess I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable...and maybe I have been. I'll try to sit down and talk with her about this.

I dont' think I have a problem with being there for her. She recently had surgery and I made sure she got to/from ok, picked up her pain meds and stayed with her for most of the day since her husband was who knows where. I've gone over and surprised her with breakfast before she goes to work the day after they've had a particularly bad fight so we can talk. Stuff like that I don't mind. What bothers me is her expecting me to drop everything. Like last week, she ws mad at me for going to a friend's birthday party becasue she wanted to go to the movies. When things were good with her husband, she didn't come to my birthday party or Christmas party, or anything really.

Shankapotomus, maybe my one friend she has met (it was one of my coworkers) said something that rubbed her the wrong way...I don't know. I don't think think that's the problem she has with any of my other new friends since she's never met them.
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:09 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,892 posts, read 13,474,172 times
Reputation: 15333
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snd485 View Post
What bothers me is her expecting me to drop everything. Like last week, she ws mad at me for going to a friend's birthday party becasue she wanted to go to the movies. When things were good with her husband, she didn't come to my birthday party or Christmas party, or anything really.

This is understandable on your part.

Your friend's birthday party takes precedence over going to the movies any day.

Perhaps her problems are just a bit overwhelming at the moment and her using you as a distraction may be completely unintentional.

I think you're OK to do your own thing, and sometimes people need to learn how to cope with themselves. Sounds to me like you are being a good friend.
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Old 09-13-2011, 10:12 AM
 
12,857 posts, read 15,311,968 times
Reputation: 14785
Maybe that jealousy you are seeing is the reason her marriage is breaking up...maybe she needs to figure out why she has to be the center of attention....it's not your problem though, so don't ever feel guilty for putting your lifes desires first.
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:47 AM
 
Location: US
5,144 posts, read 10,789,060 times
Reputation: 5340
She is going batty and acting so because of the stress she is under. Getting yelled at, divorcing possibly and being broke? The woman is not a saint I assume. I would suggest her to go talk to someone to learn some coping mechanisms so she doesn't turn into a total bitter mess. I would just say that you don't think you are giving her the support she needs because she seems so angry and hostile all the time from her stress. But you don't want to turn your back. Just let her know what you can and can not handle. If she can't respect that then you have to let a toxic person go. That personality trait could be part of the issue of why things are failing at home.
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Old 10-01-2011, 11:53 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,187 posts, read 7,825,383 times
Reputation: 53018
I think you are to nice for your own good. I had to walk away from a 30 yr. friendship with someone who sounds like your friend. It seems like your friend just wants you around for her own benefit and doesn't care about your wants or needs. Life is to short to waste it on a holes. Run don't walk to the nearest exit.
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Old 10-02-2011, 12:08 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,187 posts, read 7,825,383 times
Reputation: 53018
Thanks to whoever gave me the rep. That was nice
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