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My sister has been married now for 7 years, and together with her husband for about 8.
Her husband, whom I have tried to accept, is a complete loser. He verbally abuses my sister, telling her she is fat (she is so boney she make Paris Hilton look fat), she is stupid (runs a doctors office), and that she can't do anything right. This has been this way forever. He is short, and comes from an over bearing father that expected him to be a soldier from day one. Yet he never went into the military, and seems to lack self respect and attacks anyone who threatens his "manhood".
At any rate, he's always been a little idiot, with a little man complex. He used to provide well for my sister and his children. They now have three children.
He is in construction, and as you can guess when the economy went bad, he went bad. He had his own business, then started popping pills and drinking to much. He lost his business, was selling pills with the kids at home, and my sister ended up working two jobs to live in the hood.
Finally she had enough, and left him for a few weeks. Then he went to rehab, swore he'd straighten out, and she went back. I offered her and her kids a place to live, for free, as long as she needed, but she went back. Anyway, I understand wanting to keep your family together.
Well he went full on religious psycho, but hey, whatever floats your boat. My neices and nephew were happy, seemingly, and doing well in school. I'm Ok with that.
Well then my sister cheated on him. I know, I know, she screwed up. I told her that, but that I still loved her. This whole time, even when he was going to rehab, he was still being very controlling. This is just the way he is.
Anyway, she messed up, and he lost it. He didn't leave her, said that he wanted to work things out. They have been going to a marriage counselor, etc.
Oh, did I mention he has been stalking her now ex lover? Did I mention he has been calling him daily for over 4 months threatening him? Did I mention he went to this mans place of work, which the cheater owns, and beat the hell out of an employee of his? Did I mention that just a few days ago he went to a bar, stalking him, with a bat. He then ran away, got in his car, and hit the cheater with his car? He then went to the cheaters house and busted every window on the floor of his 500,000 dollar house and car in the drive, and was caught on tape?!?!
Now, the police have questioned him, but they haven't arrested him yet. Not sure if charges were filed, I almost hope so and hope he goes to jail.
My sister has said that for the last 4 months they've had good days and bad. He'll be real lovey one day, and then the next that he hates her and can't stand her, doesn't want her to touch him, etc.
He has also now fallen off the wagon and started drinking again.
My sister refuses to leave this, obvious to me, dangerous human. She was physically abused when she was younger and I think that she can't bring herself to actually leave him. Not only her, but mainly the kids. They have started showing effects at school and by action of the fight and abuse that he is putting her through.
How do I help her? I can say leave him 100,000 times, and it seems to only push her back to him. I can tell her I support her but that just seems to help her stay where she is.
I can't prove it, but her kids have told me that daddy hits mommy.
I'm lost, Not sure what to do. Do I have to just watch this? I fear desperately that he could her my sister, himself, and possibly the kids.
Honey, you cant do anything until she decides she has had enough of his BS.
All I can say is that I hope he gets caught for the whole stalking mess and goes to jail.
That should solve the biggest part of her problem, but she really needs counseling, and so do the kids.
Encourage her and the children to go to counseling. If she doesn't go encourage her to let the kids go. From all that I have read, leaving an abusive relationship is hard, especially when a person does what you report that her husband is doing. All you can do is have your doors open when she is ready.
Call CPS and report this. It is child abuse if the kids witness domestic violence. Maybe if your sister realizes that her kids could go to foster care if she allows this to continue, she'll wake up and leave the a-hole. If you can't protect her, you can at least protect the kids. Be ready to take them in if CPS does it's job.
Except for the 'short' description, I think your sister married my ex.
Did you know that statistically most abused women leave their partners SEVEN TIMES before they leave permanently? Usually by that time they have exhausted most of their friends' and families' patience, have no money and few resources. When they finally reach the end of their rope, they often find that there is no one to catch them.
What clinched it for me was our church sending us to a church psychologist. TG he was more professional than he was religious. He ran the Personality Profiles on us, then called me privately to the office. "You must leave him. Every indication is that he is going to kill you and your children." I went home, packed his stuff, threw it into a pile in the living room, and when he came home I told him he had 10 minutes to get his stuff and get out. I also told him that the neighbors were watching and would call the police if he didn't. He did, cursing and screaming and slamming things about, but -he left. He stalked us for four years afterward, too... back before there were stalking laws. Until my current hubby met him openly in a restaurant and told him he would KILL my ex if he EVER came near us again, my ex would not leave us alone. So I feel for your sister.
She has to make up her mind that
1) He does not love her. No one who loves you treats you that way.
2) It is not her fault. Abusers lie to get what they want; get women to marry them, keep the women and the children frightened, etc. No matter what he says or does - nothing is her fault. Marriage is a partnership where both spouses work together to solve problems - not take what they want from the relationship.
3) If she gets rid of him, her children know already what he is doing to her - and they will respect her if she gets him away from her and them. They do not "need a father" that badly - no one does. The kids know it's wrong. She has to show them that she knows it too... or he might 'train' them to believe that this behavior is normal and acceptable. She is responsible for breaking that chain.
4) and this is the most important thing - she deserves better. No matter how bad or careless she has been, or how many bad or dumb things she has done in her lifetime or in her marriage, no one deserves to be abused. No. One.
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