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Old 09-15-2011, 09:45 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,892 posts, read 13,505,518 times
Reputation: 15338

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnny Vanderburgh View Post
I don't know. I didn't read anything that sounded like too insane of a competition.

Now, for example, if one party were to kidnap the baby belonging to the other party and raise it as their own for 30 years or so before the child's true origin was revealed...that would up the competition to an insane level.
+1
Yeah I was going to say...lol


OP
I'm curious though, if the friendship ended before you started dating her ex...well what happened?
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Old 09-15-2011, 10:26 AM
 
51,670 posts, read 41,621,215 times
Reputation: 32272
Quote:
Originally Posted by sherrenee View Post
My former best friend is pregnant. You would think I would be happy for her but to be honest it seriously bugs me for a few reasons...

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 10 years with no success. Infertility sucks. I have always wanted children and have always been very vocal about that fact.

Even though she and I are no longer friends we seem to have this insane competition thing going (stupid and immature on both of our parts). Which I am sure steams from the fact that I married her ex boyfriend (wow drama lol). They had been apart for 2 years and she and I were no longer friends when he and I started dating. You would think we would both be past this considering my husband and I have been together since 2000.

Finally ever since I have known her she has HATED children, never wanted them, never wanted to be around them etc. Why on earth would anyone who hates children not take every single precaution available in order to avoid having an unwanted child?

What do I do to stop this? I hate feeling so jealous. It kind of feels like she beat me to the punch at the thing I wanted most in this world and of course the old "why her and not me" feelings.
Steal her baby?
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Old 09-15-2011, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Arkansas
1,230 posts, read 2,834,943 times
Reputation: 1551
Quote:
Originally Posted by PJ8 View Post
OP, you admit that your "competition" is "insane," and you admit that you are being "stupid and immature." What can you do to stop it? If a problem consumes you that much and you've been unable to stop in on your own, don't pooh-pooh others' suggestions that you try counseling. Your venomous post about your ex-friend reveals that there's a lot more going on with you than meets the eye. You need to find a way to concentrate on your own life and happiness and not care about what your ex-friend is doing with hers. Perhaps a therapist can help you with that. There is no shame in seeking help. It is shameful to not be proactive about making your life better!

Why do you keep in touch with your ex-friend's sister? Wouldn't it be better to let go of any ties with her and her family and/or friends? This jealousy and need to compete is eating you up and only making you (and maybe your husband) miserable.

Also, have you considered adoption? I have several friends who have adopted children and they are as happy as can be. I can't even begin to understand the anguish of being unable to conceive when you desperately want a child, but you are not alone, OP, and other people in your situation have managed to move on with their lives in positive directions. Harboring ill feelings for another only hurts you.

By the way - I have known people over the years who claimed they never wanted kids but who unexpectedly got pregnant and became wonderful, loving parents. Your ex-friend may very well become a good parent. Wouldn't that be a good thing? In your post, it almost seems that because she has expressed her distaste for children in the past you actually want her to fail at parenthood so that it would somehow justify your hatred for her.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to let go and move on with your life in a positive direction.

The insane and the hate part were figures of speech. The completion part is slight but there on BOTH of our parts. As I said I think it has more to do with the fact that we use to be friends than anything to do with my husband.

There is no need for therapy geez people. It is info that I just found out and unfortanitly it made me jealous. Prior to recently I hadn't really given her a thought other than when she was occasionally brought up by our mutual friends. If you talked to other women who are having a hard time concieving I am sure that they have probably been in the same boat as me at some point.

I do not wish her any ill will but I also can't say I am jumping for joy over her pregnancy.

Last edited by sherrenee; 09-15-2011 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 09-15-2011, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Arkansas
1,230 posts, read 2,834,943 times
Reputation: 1551
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217 View Post
+1
Yeah I was going to say...lol


OP
I'm curious though, if the friendship ended before you started dating her ex...well what happened?
A few different things... one our priorities changed after high school was over (which happens to a lot of friendships), two she became more of a fair weather friend and finally she became an user of people for money which is something I detest
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Old 09-15-2011, 11:51 AM
 
1,809 posts, read 3,102,855 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sherrenee View Post
Well that is great for you but unfortunately what I am feeling is a pretty normal emotion especially for someone who is unable to conceive, the only difference is I am being vocal on HERE about it. It should not be taboo to talk about how you feel regarding not being able to conceive.
yes, it's normal. But it's not good for you, which is what matters most. And I don't think this is about this former friend of yours (who's obviously not to blame for your situation, and neither are you), but your ongoing frustration because you're not getting what you wish for, or what you think you need (a child). The competition part of the story is, in my opinion, less relevant in the end.

If it hurts you too much and interferes with your general wellbeing, self-esteem, etc. I'd advise you to maybe join a message board for women unable to conceive (or having difficulties), or start some therapy. I'm sure they'll be able to give you better advice and support there than most of us can.

Don't be hard on yourself. All this hatred or obsession is really hurting you and no-one else. You're going through something very painful for you, so take care of yourself and of course it's only natural that you should want to vent out. Sorry I can't give more specific advice though.
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Old 09-15-2011, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Florida
2,327 posts, read 6,224,720 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by sherrenee View Post
There is no need for therapy geez people.
This is the attitude you have taken toward just about everyone here who has tried to give you advice.

If you didn't want to hear people's opinions about your situation, why did you post it here? Are you just looking for "attagirls" regarding your immature behavior rather than honest feedback?
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Old 09-15-2011, 12:02 PM
 
1,809 posts, read 3,102,855 times
Reputation: 1989
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy View Post
This is the attitude you have taken toward just about everyone here who has tried to give you advice.

If you didn't want to hear people's opinions about your situation, why did you post it here? Are you just looking for "attagirls" regarding your immature behavior rather than honest feedback?
omg and to think I've just recommended therapy lol... That happens when you don't read the whole thread before replying
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Old 09-15-2011, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,034 posts, read 3,857,488 times
Reputation: 1363
Whew, people are so touchy around here.

Anyway, you need to let this go. I understand what you're feeling, but questioning "why her and not me" is pointless and unhealthy. Everything in this life happens for a reason. Period. Chances are your ex-friend will see that baby for the first time and fall in love.

I'll tell you my story. I have two close girlfriends. Both are morbidly obese (albeit beautiful big ladies) with your pick of related health concerns including high cholesterol, high BP, pre-diabetes, etc. They choose to not make positive changes in their lives. When one got pregnant with her first son, she nearly died from the complications. The baby was about 6 weeks early and is now perfectly fine. She got pregnant again with her daughter after not caring to improve her health. Again, preemie baby born who is now perfectly fine. My other friend got pregnant with twin girls, had a complicated pregnancy and they were delivered about 6 weeks early too. They're both perfectly fine. I was the last of us to get pregnant and conceived twin boys naturally. Despite my near-perfect health, I went in to premature labor and delivered my boys 16 weeks early. They didn't make it.

My point is....I could sit and question why my unhealthy friends got healthy beautiful babies while my healthy self lost hers until I was blue in the face. But what a sad waste of time. A cousin I'm currently on the outs with had her baby a few months after I lost mine and I sent her a congrats card with warm wishes. I wish that you would just wish the best for your ex-friend, and move forward from this. Re-focus your life on your future, with or without kids, and let the past lie where it may. Just accepting that it is what it is and it is out of the realm of anything you can control is definitely a step in the right direction.
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Old 09-15-2011, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Arkansas
1,230 posts, read 2,834,943 times
Reputation: 1551
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy View Post
This is the attitude you have taken toward just about everyone here who has tried to give you advice.

If you didn't want to hear people's opinions about your situation, why did you post it here? Are you just looking for "attagirls" regarding your immature behavior rather than honest feedback?

It's called venting! If I were being immature about it I would go and tell her or our friends this info instead I posted a vent on a forum.
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Old 09-15-2011, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,327 posts, read 6,224,720 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by sherrenee View Post
It's called venting! If I were being immature about it I would go and tell her or our friends this info instead I posted a vent on a forum.
You are being immature simply by having this tacit "competition" as a grown woman with your former friend. And if you want to "vent" on a public forum, that's fine, just don't be surprised or offended when others chime in with their opinions. Otherwise, vent to a private diary instead.
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