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Old 09-08-2007, 09:21 PM
 
Location: USA
1,899 posts, read 4,145,571 times
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Your wedding gift when you get married, should be for your MIL's trip to the electric chair.

Muahahahaha..........
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Old 09-08-2007, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Zebulon, NC
2,275 posts, read 5,662,337 times
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JerZ, I feel so bad for you. I hope you can make lots of friends soon, to help you not feel so alone. *hugs*

My grandmother was the same way with my sister and I, with the blatant favoritism. (This was my mother's mother.) My mom and I have talked about this at length the past couple of years. My grandmother loved my sister, and thought she could do no wrong. However, she didn't like me from the day I was born. (How could someone dislike a baby? I'm not talking about people who don't like children. I'm talking about someone forming an active, personal dislike for an infant.)

She would do the same thing your MIL does - buy gifts for my sister, none for me. This is stuff I have no memory of, but my sister is five years older than me. She remembers. Mom said it had a horrible effect on my sister - it made her hell to live with. My mom finally had to put her foot down, and told her that she could not play favorites, could not buy gifts for one child and not the other, and if she could not abide by Mom's rules, she would not be allowed to see her grandchildren at all.

Grandma obeyed, but I always knew growing up that she didn't like me. My sister has always been a witch to me as well, and Mom thinks it's a result of Grandma's favoritism.

I'm not here to ask for a pity party. Rather, I'm trying to give a warning as to what kind of effect this might have on your children. My sister has always tried to compete with me, have more than me, and has always been jealous and nasty towards me. I stopped caring a long time ago, but it hurts my mom.

JerZ, your husband needs to have your back. He needs to stand up to his mother and let her know that she is NOT allowed to treat you that way. His allowing her to do so is no better than him treating you that way himself. Both he and his mother are damaging not only you, but your children.

*hug*
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Old 09-08-2007, 10:28 PM
 
25,740 posts, read 25,301,499 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Claire_F View Post
JerZ, I feel so bad for you. I hope you can make lots of friends soon, to help you not feel so alone. *hugs*

My grandmother was the same way with my sister and I, with the blatant favoritism. (This was my mother's mother.) My mom and I have talked about this at length the past couple of years. My grandmother loved my sister, and thought she could do no wrong. However, she didn't like me from the day I was born. (How could someone dislike a baby? I'm not talking about people who don't like children. I'm talking about someone forming an active, personal dislike for an infant.)

She would do the same thing your MIL does - buy gifts for my sister, none for me. This is stuff I have no memory of, but my sister is five years older than me. She remembers. Mom said it had a horrible effect on my sister - it made her hell to live with. My mom finally had to put her foot down, and told her that she could not play favorites, could not buy gifts for one child and not the other, and if she could not abide by Mom's rules, she would not be allowed to see her grandchildren at all.

Grandma obeyed, but I always knew growing up that she didn't like me. My sister has always been a witch to me as well, and Mom thinks it's a result of Grandma's favoritism.

I'm not here to ask for a pity party. Rather, I'm trying to give a warning as to what kind of effect this might have on your children. My sister has always tried to compete with me, have more than me, and has always been jealous and nasty towards me. I stopped caring a long time ago, but it hurts my mom.

JerZ, your husband needs to have your back. He needs to stand up to his mother and let her know that she is NOT allowed to treat you that way. His allowing her to do so is no better than him treating you that way himself. Both he and his mother are damaging not only you, but your children.

*hug*
((Claire)) This is exactly what I'm afraid of, that it could have a bad effect on both the children. I can't change that E will feel less loved than C anyway by her, and that hurts me deep down and am not sure what to do about that...I ached for you, hearing your story. I am so sorry. Oops, sorry, I forgot to add...that's one of the things DH said to MIL today that at least was calm and made total sense to me: he told her that if she can't give gifts to both, don't give gifts to either. We don't demand gifts, a gift is just that, something special and unexpected, so we're not asking for "more stuff," we're asking for equal treatment. No gifts is just as good! The biggest gift you give a family member is supposed to be your time and your affection.

I keep this way on the DL around the children because whatever our own differences (the adults, I mean), I loved my own grandparents so much and I don't want to take that away from my children. But this situation is just getting ridiculous and it's really just cruel.

To the posts about NPD: I have heard of this! I wasn't researching it in reference to my mother-in-law, though. It was somebody else.

You know who I feel the worst for right now...the MILs here who are good and caring and know that MILs can get such a bad rap from this sort of thing. To the MILs who care: HATS OFF to you, it can not be easy gaining a new "daughter", the world should be full of the likes of you. Trust me. We are all sitting here right now wishing you were our MILs, LOL. I had pictured this great relationship with mine, sitting down with coffee...listening to her stories about when DH was little and the like. I was crushed that things turned out so horribly.
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Old 09-08-2007, 10:56 PM
 
Location: Moved to town. Miss 'my' woods and critters.
25,463 posts, read 12,208,618 times
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My Daughter-In-Law does not come to this forum so I'd like to respond to this thread as a Mother-in-law. If I thought for one minute that I was guilty of any of the traits that have been mentioned so far, I think that I would go off into a corner somewhere and never come out. Wow what horror stories. I am so sorry for those of you who suffer from the disgusting behavior of your loved one's mother.

My daughter-in-law is an angel as far as I am concerned. She has moved many times due to her husband's (my son's) employment and occupation demands. Her and her family are extremely close and these moves have taken her out of state. That is kind of hard for a young woman. She is the mother of two sons that are a grandparents dream. Her and my son are excellent and caring parents.

She has put up with a visit from us that lasted way longer than any of us had planned once and when we finally did get ready to leave, she honestly asked if we couldn't stay a little longer. My husband and her are referred to by the rest of us as 'buddies, they are so much alike in their temperament and likes and dislikes. It's funny sometimes to listen to them talk about things.

She is a good wife, good mother and a great DIL. I wouldn't trade her for anyone else. Oh, forgot to mention, she makes the best Sweet Tea in the world. I've tried making it her way, just doesn't taste the same
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Old 09-10-2007, 04:22 AM
 
153 posts, read 1,164,981 times
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The reason is MIL is a "good witch" or a "bad witch" stems from the individual's background (they way they were raised), and the relationship the woman has with her son or daughter. If the person is emotionally and mentally stable and healthy, is secure, is comfortable with who she is, etc., then it is highly probable that person will be a good MIL.

The problem is not that the woman's son or daughter got married, the problem is with the MIL herself.

The worse of it is when the son or daughter is unable, or unwilling, to tell "mommie dearest" to shape up or ship out! When that occurs, the marriage is pretty much doomed from the get-go. There is a very good reason that when a couple gets married they are to become "one" and that all others are to treat them with respect or hit the road. "United we stand and divided we fall" is sooo true!
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Old 09-10-2007, 05:32 AM
 
26,323 posts, read 24,443,171 times
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Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
Hi, Puff. (wave) No, I don't get along with my MIL. Well, I mean outwardly I get along with her. My DH and I have always had problems--since the beginning--and he let out all sorts of things about me to her in the beginning, not all of it 100% true. I think he had a panic reaction and wanted to make things seem really one-sided just in case he needed "help" (financial) moving out, etc. It was done in panic but MIL definitely thinks I'm not worth her son and it shows over and over again.

She's not a bad person per se, and I'm not a fabulous stellar example of humanity 100% of the time, but she is a bit of a control freak to the point of the family doing this weird musical-chairs shuffle at every get-together so that they don't have to be the ones to sit near her. I feel she has some really deep-seated issues that cause her to need to control absolutely everything. She will, for example, offer to watch the kids but when we call to take her up on it, immediately that frozen tone comes on and no matter what day we pick, no matter what time, etc., it will be "a bad time". Then she'll turn around and call 24 hours later and announce that some other obscure time that couldn't possibly work out for anyone is "the right time". Then if we--that's WE, my husband and I both--have any problem with the date/time she will proceed to call a bunch of family members to tell them how "JerZ won't allow" her to see her grandson, etc. Just weird things like that.

Again, I'm not saying I don't have any weirdnesses of my own, but being controlled from afar is just not my cup of tea. We had found that a more "standard" time for her to see our middle son (she never takes the baby, she is seriously uncomfortable around him for some reason we can't fathom, so he balks at her, too) made sense. That way she knew in advance and didn't feel taken advantage of or whatever. So, that good day was Saturday. We let her pick it, and all was well. Not every Saturday, but when she sees C it's a Saturday. Anyway, ironically, we just ran into this again today. She had asked early in the week if she could take C Saturday. I told her (this was by e-mail) that today (Saturday) we were actually all going to a friend's house for dinner. They're the parents of one of C's friends, actually. So of course C was going. I told her Sunday would be great though, or else if that didn't work for her, another Saturday would be fine.

She didn't answer that at all. In fact, she never gave me an answer until just an hour or two ago, whereupon she announced that they "will" be taking C on Sunday. She then went on in a sort of angry/this-is-what-you-get voice that the only good time for her to pick C up is 9:00 (I don't know why the anger part...that would be fine with me); that she couldn't take him until 5:00 (again, okay...so what? She could take him to McDonald's for one hour, a visit is a visit, is it a big deal?), and went on in a pained/agonized voice that it was because Sunday is SUCH an inconvenient day and the traffic is SO bad, etc. It's weird because who was twisting her arm to take him this weekend at all? The point was that we messed with the program by agreeing to dinner with friends without consulting her first...seriously...and this was our punishment or whatever...it was weird.

She also almost never acknowledges E, our toddler, as I mentioned above. From birth she has mentioned, among her few comments even in his general direction, that he looks like me. I guess that's the tip-off there... She buys presents for C constantly, and clothes. I think she has bought clothes for the baby perhaps once. Yes, once. Clothing she came across at a garage sale. Well, this week in the middle of this whole Saturday/Sunday shuffle she e-mailed me that she was planning on buying clothes for all the grandchildren. Note, the operative word here is "all". And then asked what size C is.

She never even mentioned E.

So I wrote back and INCLUDED E. I told her, these are C's sizes and these are E's sizes. I added that it was a very nice thing for her to do and not necessary so she could just take her time, she didn't have to do this right away, it was a nice thing to do and a favor.

So when she called today to list her Sunday demands, she added that we were to look over the clothes she got for C, hold them up to judge the size, decide whether we liked the colors (I have never, ever had a single bad thing to say about anything she's bought any of us...not once). When I agreed, she sounded annoyed. She gets annoyed when I don't get upset with her...seriously. It's just...weird. So she then announced in a very, very clipped, tight voice that I must look them over while she was picking up C, in the morning before he got into the car, and that it would be inconvenient for me to let her know when she dropped him off.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh......................

She then went on to comment breezily that she just hadn't been able to find much for E, oh wasn't that too bad? Maybe some time she'd go to Babies R Us for his sizes. Which she won't, obviously. I mean it hasn't happened yet.

So DH and I got into a huge fight about it. I told him I'm not going to go through this whole stack of stuff for C, making just the proper exclamations that MIL will approve of or else she'll push and push for specifics (this is routine), and if I don't exclaim loudly enough she will get angry and say if I don't like them she'll just take them back, etc...I told DH I am NOT going through this center of attention about all the thousands of new things C was getting, RIGHT IN FRONT OF E. I mean...how cruel. So he got mad at me for pushing him to do something about it...and called MIL with this overblown "don't come and get C this weekend" thing and guess who's to blame...me.

Sigh.

I don't think she'd naturally be this bad. I think it's because of me. I truly do. I think that from the beginning, with her misinformation about me, she just can't stand me and never will. I know she can hold a grudge because she still makes continuous barbs against my husband's father, her ex, in front of my husband and they have been divorced for 33 years. Seriously. She also makes continuous comments about my BIL's ex-wife, who has been divorced from BIL for I think eight years now. So I know this is how it's always going to be. But this stuff against the baby...well, I just can't handle that.

Other stuff has happened too...my FIL made s * xual comments at me while I was working for them for six months, and also horrible insults but couched in "niceties"...such as, "You know, JerZ, you're what I like to call a 'crap operator'. It's a little term I coined. It's good, thought. I used to hire bright, creative people and they were a PAIN. It is such a relief to have someone who doesn't think very much," etc. Things came to a head one Christmas when I was pregnant and he joked to the family that my baby was actually his. I asked DH to do something about it, which was probably wrong. I probably should have done something myself. But I was SO afraid of these people by this point. DH called his mother about it (oh, good call, DH, nice choice) and she proceeded to call family members to tell this whole humiliating story, making me look like some kind of s l *t who asked for it or something. There I am, PREGNANT for God's sake, crying, God it was awful. Well, MIL asked my SIL whether such a thing could have possibly happened. And SIL, who is very brave, calmly told MIL that not only DID FIL say that very thing (she was standing right there) about FIL's baby being his, but that she herself felt uncomfortable around him and that she actually dressed differently when she knew he'd be around because he was always leaning in and looking down her shirt.

Good intentions, bad result. MIL got madder AT ME (yes, this is the God's honest truth, I swear) for "causing" all these problems and it's only been worse since then.

So, no, this huge long post is to say, I don't get along with my MIL. Again, outwardly I do and I certainly never fight with her. But it's a bad situation all around. I told my DH that he was smart to marry an orphan.

Right now he's stewing in the back, mad at ME for "causing" today's situation, and I can see that tonight at our dinner is gonna be hell. He'll act all morose and make a horrible first impression. I don't care. I'm going anyway! I'm isolated here and I need friends so I'm making them. And that's that.

All this hideous in-law stuff is part of what is making me miserable out here. The minute we stepped off the plane, it started and here I am trapped within 30 minutes of these people, with my own family so far away. If there were no kids...I'd be RUNNING back home. Ah well. We all have our personal stuff to deal with and things could be worse. But when I saw the title of this post, I thought...wow...here I go, spill-city!
JerZ, I feel so bad you've had to experience all these things...and if you were here right now, I'd hug you....darlin, you didn't cause this problem....you have to believe that....I almost hate your FIL due to the problems he's caused this entire family and he should be called on it. A woman knows...she does, and deep down in the very pit of your MIL's soul, she knows what is going on, but is in denail and fears facing the truth....you also have to understand, b/c she knows these things about him, she's unfortunately going to be even more leary about you being around....but above and beyond everything, this is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! It is his, he has no right to do such things...none...and he has some of his own issues, which to me are very serious. It makes me ponder, just how many other women he's been like this to...and how far has he actually gone. I don't trust anyone who would act like that, it is inappropriate and unacceptable.

They may be the parents, but these children are yours, not hers....therefore, she should not only comply with your schedule but respect it.

And regardless, none of us are fine upstanding people, we all have our vices, we all have faults...we are never flawless so please remember that, and don't sell yourself short.

I'm very very sorry, you've been made to deal with things like this, it just isn't fair...that adults carry on so inappropriately.

Anyway...know that your in my thoughts and prayers....that things will turn around...but, one thing, I would never, ever be alone with FIL, ever....stay away from him....I would never work for him or be anywhere alone with him ever....and if a situation arrives that you have to be, then leave...and I would make that clear to your husband...b/c it is his word against yours.....


Hugs, Creme
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Old 09-10-2007, 05:57 AM
 
26,323 posts, read 24,443,171 times
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Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
P.s. If we're allowed to switch our MILs for a better one...can I choose cremebrulee????

I called her first...first dibs and all that...

p.s. Just to clarify...the above was not a JerZ pity party...as I said, I'm not perfect either. I'm emotional, I complain. I'm probably not a walk in the park either so maybe that just makes the situation worse. So...not trying to paint it as MIL is terrible and I'm fabulous. Except for extreme cases with some people, I think rarely is it that way...when we really think about it.

JerZ, you need to talk about this, it isn't your normal every day normal family conflicts...this is serious and will weigh heavily on your marriage...I believe it might be a very good suggestion for both your hubby and you to seek counseling over this....that way, you both will receive expert advice on how to handle this situations that arise....and he will hear your story, and also hear someone else's perspective which may help you to convince him....he also needs to get his head out of the sand. Men, are peacemakers who tend to place their heads in the sand in a form of denial when things get tough.

Hugs to you and thank you for the warming compliment...I wish my DIL could be as mature and loving as you. I say that, b/c if you didn't care, you would not have posted this.

If I were you, I believe the first thing I would do is make an apppointment for you and your hubby to go and talk to someone, so you both together can learn how to deal with this constructively for everyone concerned. When you are involved personally in something like this, it is difficult to look at it from a rational perspective. But don't beat yourself up...believe me, I am a handful myself....and know it.

Hugs and blessings sent your way.

Creme
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:05 AM
 
25,665 posts, read 24,271,037 times
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When I was married, my MIL hated me. But she hated everyone. She didnt like anyone that wasnt of her own family. But she was a 'step-mom-in-law' as the father in law remarried about 2 years after I married his son. Though we've been divorced for over a decade, it wasnt until about 6 years ago that his family realized I wasnt the beast he tried to make me out to be. And though she's the only one who still thinks of me as a monster who divorced her 'son', the rest of the family still consider me as family as far as theyre concerned.
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:17 AM
 
Location: St. Augustine, Florida
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What a great question.. My mother-in-law and I get along sooo well! She is honestly like one of my best friends! We do everything together, anytime she goes anywhere or does anything she calls me to see if I want to go or if I need anything and I do the same. Anytime she goes shopping she comes to see me before she goes home to bring me stuff! lol! We talk about everything and spend as much time together as we can. I really feel so lucky to have such a wonderful mother-in-law and to have such an amazing relationship with my mother-in-law! When I first met my husband I was living with my father who I had really just met not too long ago and we were not getting along at all! My husband had had somethings happen and had just recently had to move back in with his mother. When my father and I got in the big fight that made me move out my husband (Serg, who was just my boyfriend at the time) was there and told me to just come stay with him until things cooled down some, so I packed everything up and went to his mothers house, who by the way I had never met.. lol! She was working two jobs at the time because she was going through a divorce and supporting two young children (my sister-in-law who is 7 and my brother-in-law who is 9) so I didn't see her that night. The next day when we woke up for Serg to go to work I walked out into the kitchen to make us coffee and his mom was standing there with two cups of coffee for us. I was sooo nervous because again, I had never met her, and I was dating her son and just moved all of my stuff into her house! lol! But she was so nice! After Serg left for work Serg's mom fixed me some breakfast and gave me flowers! She told me she was so sorry that my father and I weren't getting along and she told me that I could stay with her as long as I wanted to. She told me that she was so excited to meet me and she said she knew that I made her son really happy. She just made me feel right at home the second I met her and we have been great friends ever since!

Her and my husband are originally from Russia (Well, Ukraine) and when my husband was 9 they moved to NYC and then when he was 18 they moved to Fla. My husband speaks English perfectly and Russian perfectly, but his mom speaks Russian better than English. She does speak English, but not perfectly and she is really shy, so it makes things even harder for her. I help his mom out as much as I can because she doesn't speak English as well and because she's so shy. When I lived with her I would make all of her phone calls and everything for her and even now, I still go almost everywhere with her just to make sure she's okay. Like I said, she speaks English very, very well, I mean I have absolutely no trouble understanding her and she has no trouble understanding me, but because she is so shy it's just easier for her if my husband and/or I are with her. In the next few months I might go with her to Ukraine to help her mother (Serg's grandmother) sell her apartment and move to America. Her husband (Serg's grandfather) just died, so she's all alone now. I'm really nervous because I don't speak Russian, but I understand enough to know basically what people are talking about (I'm really good with directions in Russian because I understand little things like left and right.. lol! )... I definitely don't speak or understand Ukrainian! lol!

My mother loves my husband as well. Just figured I'd add that in there! lol!

Last edited by PitBullMommie1206; 09-10-2007 at 07:47 AM..
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Old 09-10-2007, 07:19 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 7,547,886 times
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My mother in law tolerated me thats about all, when we invited her to dinner she would make comments on my choice of Entrees, or desert. I catered always not my wife. I guess she just did'nt like me and I was wasting energy trying to please her.
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