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Does anybody out there lack a relationship with their parent/s and they do not speak with them?
My parents are just manipulative, mean alcoholic drug addicts that treat me terribly and always have. I was just curious if anybody else out there has a similar situation or another reason for not speaking to their parents.
I haven't spoken to my father for more than 30 years. I don't know if he's alive and I don't want to. He physically, emotionally and sexually abused my sister and I.
My mother died a year ago. When I was informed of her death, I danced around the house with a bottle of cognac singing "Ding dong, the witch is dead!" She was a rage-addicted, abusive b*tch. I warned her about raging at me, that it was no longer acceptable. Her reply was "I gave you life and I can take it away."
The final straw was on the phone. I kept telling her to calm down, she was jeopardizing her relationship with me and she just went on so I said "Have fun dying alone," hung up, called customer service on my cell and immediately changed the number, with no forwarding. I never saw nor spoke to her again. I am not sorry she died, it was as if a great toxic cloud lifted from the earth.
"Family" is just a word to me. the notion of putting up with more crap from someone because I happen to maybe share a few identical strands of DNA is a very bad joke.
I haven't seen my father for around 20 years. Last I heard, he was living in a homeless shelter. He tried getting in contact with me (and my sister) via my mother - who was foolish enough to even talk to him - but I have no interest in seeing him.
I definitely agree with other posters re: feeling obliged to love family. Just because we have a blood connection, doesn't mean I have to like you, or give a damn about you, especially if you are a nasty, vindictive compulsive liar and a thief.
I no longer talk to my dad since my mom died, and I really don't regret it. He's upset, but only because I will no longer sit there and let him tell me that I'm a stupid piece of **** and that all of us kids were only good for tax breaks. His loss. *shrug*
My father was an abusive drunk......then turned Christian but, still verbally abusive.
I lived there longer than any child should.....I lived in fear he would kill my mother.....he tried once but, was to drunk...we had five bullet holes in the kitchen floor.
I did not talk to him.
In a perfect world he would have passed first so she could have a few years of peace but, she died first.
I always said the happiest day of my life would be the day he died.......so far it is.
I am going on 5 years NC with my Dad. He remarried when I was very young and never was there until I was in high school and relatively successful with football. He is a classic narcissist.
My Mom and I have a good relationship but it is being strained by my 43 year old brother who is coming out of a divorce with two small kids. Both his soon to be ex and him are raging alcoholics and I feel very bad for the kids. My Mom has taken them into her apartment and it is slowly wearing her out. Family can be a real drag....
I no longer talk to my dad since my mom died, and I really don't regret it. He's upset, but only because I will no longer sit there and let him tell me that I'm a stupid piece of **** and that all of us kids were only good for tax breaks. His loss. *shrug*
Does anybody out there lack a relationship with their parent/s and they do not speak with them?
My parents are just manipulative, mean alcoholic drug addicts that treat me terribly and always have. I was just curious if anybody else out there has a similar situation or another reason for not speaking to their parents.
I haven't seen nor heard from my father in over 40 years. I met my mother for the first time when I was 18 and only saw her a few times over the years. It was a little difficult to communicate with her as she was a deaf mute her entire life. She passed away in May '06. My only sibling was a victim of a violent crime recently and is no longer alive.
I am happy and grateful for my wife, kids and wonderful friends I have made over the years so life truly has been pretty darn good to me
Thanks for the private feedback & rep points.
This post is from 2007, originally.
This update is 10 Nov 2015
My son is now 27 & my grandson is almost 9 years old.
My son did choose to have me in his life - and I have had to continually remind myself that I've already said it all (so quit repeating myself & allow him to live HIS life) & that it IS HIS life - I guided, I aided, I helped lay a solid foundation for him - now, it's his life to live as he chooses.
Some children that's easier than others - because some make healthier choices.
My son is taking the winding road back to his best self & I get a front row seat!
My grandson is incredible & we have an amazing relationship - much more like non-custodial parent & child - than grandparent & grandchild.
My son & his then girlfriend broke up late winter of 2008.
However, after I kicked them out, within 30 days, they both had jobs & an apartment of their own.
Doing for our children rather than equipping them with or having them discover the skills & abilities & resources within to do for themselves is crippling & not love at all. We've gotta trust them to know how to do for themselves, to discover their own strengths, & to find their own way.
I did the right thing. But it was and IS damn hard. He surely doesn't make it easy.
He loves me endlessly - although he hasn't learnt how to show it with his actions.
I love him unconditionally & the proof is in the pudding.
thinky.thinkr
Quote:
Originally Posted by think.reciprocity
Interesting that I found this particular post at this particular time in my life. My son is 19 years old & I recently ousted him from my home (along with his girlfriend & 7 month old son). It was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life - but I know it is what's best for them & for me. That all being said, I anticipated all the negative backlash of this decision ahead of time - or so I thought. What I totally discounted was this whole notion of "the empty nest". I used to think it was a silly concept because we raise our children to be healthy independent adults, right? Well, yes, but I've recently discovered that it's entirely possible that my son will choose to no longer have a relationship with me.
OMG
I've nearly fallen to pieces. I have no earthly idea how parents survive this. I have lived the last 20 years of my life dedicated to my child & now he could choose to minus me from his life entirely! Whew, that's painful. Only time will tell.
But, on the flip side. As soon as I graduated high school I escaped my home of horrors with a quickness - never looking back. I even did a stint of homelessness - living in the basement of a church rather than going back home. I come from the ultimate of dysfunctional homes. My parents both passed within the same year when I was just 19 years old. I never had the chance to gain the wisdom & perspective that life offers us along the way.
I'd give anything to have them back again - dysfunction & all. I have also gone through a bit of a strange time realizing the pain I must have put my own parents through now that I am facing my son's independence. I find it astonishing how much we think we know until we realize that we knew nothing at all.
I was a relatively good kid, respectful, & appreciative. I never did drugs & didn't even have sex until I got pregnant with my son at age 19. But, I did break my parents' hearts. I did judge them harshly based upon little to no life experience. They were horrible in a great many ways - but I failed to put myself in their shoes in ways that would not only have benefited them - but also greatly enriched my life. I denied them & myself those months of shared experiences, growth, family, sharing, even arguing.
We often get stuck in our own narrow mindset, failing to step outside our pain, frustration, or anger & see life from the other side. That choice hurst all involved. I'd have so much to say to my parents if they were here. I'd listen so much more. I'd pay attention & care about "where they are coming from". I'd love them & accept the love they have to offer me - in what ever way they have to offer it. I'd make time for them. I'd make sure they know they matter to me & that I am grateful for each & every lesson they taught me - most especially those that were learned by walking me through the fire.
Parents aren't perfect - nor is it fair for us to expect them to be. I believe that we all do the best we can with what we have & when we know better, we do better.
I wish I had told them how much they mean... I wish I had realized - in the living years...
I came from a family of working-class Italian Americans who managed to become respected upper-middle class professionals. Unfortunately, their parenting style stayed firmly rooted in 19th century discipline practices combined with modern-day Type A tiger parenting.
My childhood was difficult. I've always been a little quirky due to a mild case of Aspergers and a non-verbal learning disability, plus a lifelong case of depression and anxiety. I've also been abused sporadically by both of my parents. My mother smacked me in the face regularly as a young child (<10 years old) As I grew older, the abuse got worse. I've been beaten by both of my parents at the same time, jumped by my father while I was sleeping, and hit in the face so many times that I was bleeding from both my nose and my mouth. I learned very quickly that life was difficult and I'd have to fend for myself, so even though the abuse wasn't horrible, I always felt threatened and I joined a gym and became very muscular. Once I reached 15, I won a scuffle with my father which promptly stopped the beatings forever.
Once the beatings stopped, I started getting thrown out of my house regularly. Three Christmases in my family were ruined by either myself or my brother getting kicked out. I spent more than a few nights sleeping on the street, staying with friends, and living with my ex-girlfriends parents for an entire summer. My parents consistently moved me from school-to-school, so I never had a stable group of friends from school and was often bullied.
I was an honor student and athlete holding a summer job, with no suspensions/expulsions, criminal activity, hard drug use, or anything that would come close to warranting this punishment. The beatings, kicked out would be set off by trivial homework assignments, room-cleaning, missing curfew, etc.
They used their wealth to pay my college expenses. I was very grateful, but in all honesty, I felt I was entitled to it after what I had been through! I worked with my father after graduating and booked it out of there in 6 months when his new business began to fail, me not getting paid on time and in full. Our relationship began to improve slightly once we were not directly involved in business, but I fell on hard times a year later, lost my job, and continued my lifelong battle with crippling anxiety and depression. I received no financial support from my parents, was kicked out of the family home after three weeks, homeless, buying boiled rice on credit.
During my period of homelessness my parents mortgaged a seven figure vacation property (which they couldn't afford), leased three luxury cars, a boat, and entered semi-retirement.
Sure, I get it, I'm not entitled to anything my parents earned, but they sure as heck aren't entitled to my love, respect, and attention. My dad worked very hard. He would live in corporate housing in other states, working while my mother slept alone. His absence left me with a dearth of father-son questions, and to this day I cannot think of one life lesson that he taught me. I can tell this entire board that none of the sacrifices this man made were for his children's future safety and security-everything was for his narcissism and indulgence. He was a weak, selfish, insecure, and petty man. My parents were so low-class and poorly skilled as parents that they managed to take a picture-perfect affluent childhood and replace it with abuse and homelessness. For that I can never respect them.
I have decided to estrange them because I hate them, but mostly to embarrass them. There's a subtle Joneses competiton with their acquaintances, mostly regarding material things, but I know for certain that they hang their head in shame when swapping stories of children, as they were the failed parents in their social circle. I feel guilty about my mother, and I really want to love her, but she is a woman without strong convictions and blindly follows my loser father into mistake after mistake. I will not shed one tear when my father passes.
Time heals wounds, though. I had mostly forgiven them for their abuse and indifference to my childhood struggles, but the tipping point for the estrangement was the realization that my parents were selfish people who did not feel that their purpose was to create a happy life for their children. They did not skirt off to another country, they raised us and provided for the family, but my observation is that they are not willing to make the sacrifices to become a true parent.
I will not have a cordial relationship with my geezer parents if I don't think that they have my back. I don't give a damn about people that will turn their back on me during difficult times.
Some have been separated by harsh words, arguments, spouses.
Others, like me, reacted to a whole lifetime of disappointment and hurt.
Whew, felt good
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