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Does anyone else have this problem with family gatherings?
When I was little, Xmas and Thanksgiving were big family events and the whole family would get together for the entire evening for dinner, music, gifts, what have you. But in the last 10 years or so, family get togethers have been relegated to what I call drive-bys; people stop in for an hour or two, make a plate or say a quick hello, then leave for their main plans with other family or friends. Its frustrating for me because there have been years when being with the family is my main plan and I get a whole 2 hours before everyone leaves and I'm left sitting home, with nothing to do by 8pm. Other times, we didn't do dinner at all and I (as a single person) had nothing to do.
This year, my husband and I have decided to host Thanksgiving and we're trying to get a head count. We currently have 4 definites and 5 maybes. The maybes are main relatives I'd love to see and actually spend some time with but what this means is they will drop by but won't stay long and head off to their other, more important plans. And even the ones that stay (usually the elders) are only there for about 2 hours before they head elsewhere.
Its another reason why I can't wait to have children of my own so holidays can be big events again and spend the whole day celebrating with my family. I just hate these brief, quickie holidays.
Does anyone else have this problem with family gatherings?
When I was little, Xmas and Thanksgiving were big family events and the whole family would get together for the entire evening for dinner, music, gifts, what have you. But in the last 10 years or so, family get togethers have been relegated to what I call drive-bys; people stop in for an hour or two, make a plate or say a quick hello, then leave for their main plans with other family or friends. Its frustrating for me because there have been years when being with the family is my main plan and I get a whole 2 hours before everyone leaves and I'm left sitting home, with nothing to do by 8pm. Other times, we didn't do dinner at all and I (as a single person) had nothing to do.
This year, my husband and I have decided to host Thanksgiving and we're trying to get a head count. We currently have 4 definites and 5 maybes. The maybes are main relatives I'd love to see and actually spend some time with but what this means is they will drop by but won't stay long and head off to their other, more important plans. And even the ones that stay (usually the elders) are only there for about 2 hours before they head elsewhere.
Its another reason why I can't wait to have children of my own so holidays can be big events again and spend the whole day celebrating with my family. I just hate these brief, quickie holidays.
Well, I totally get your dilemma. However, what you describe is really a sign of your family life becoming more complicated. With girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/in-laws/exes and everything else factored in, the people you describe have to balance a lot of competing interests during the holidays.
That being said, there's really no excuse for waffling on dinner plans. If you are invited, providing someone with a 'maybe' is rude. No ifs, ands, or buts. A straight up-and-down "Yes, we'll be there. What can we bring?" or "Sadly we have other plans, but we'd love to drop in afterwards/beforehand" are the only two answers one should give. Sure, you can say, "Hang on. I need to check with my significant other. But I'll call you right back." But to leave a host twisting in the wind is about the rudest thing one can do short of slapping her.
Ah, we had this problem too; family members are busy, have multiple commitments and many different people they want to share the holidays with.
Is it possible to hold your dinner on a separate day (one that is not so busy)? Perhaps spread it out the events on the weekends. For example, my grandparents would have their get-together on Christmas day, and my aunts/uncles would arrange a lunch/dinner the day after, and my parents have one on Christmas Eve.
Well, I totally get your dilemma. However, what you describe is really a sign of your family life becoming more complicated. With girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/in-laws/exes and everything else factored in, the people you describe have to balance a lot of competing interests during the holidays.
That being said, there's really no excuse for waffling on dinner plans. If you are invited, providing someone with a 'maybe' is rude. No ifs, ands, or buts. A straight up-and-down "Yes, we'll be there. What can we bring?" or "Sadly we have other plans, but we'd love to drop in afterwards/beforehand" are the only two answers one should give. Sure, you can say, "Hang on. I need to check with my significant other. But I'll call you right back." But to leave a host twisting in the wind is about the rudest thing one can do short of slapping her.
I'm not too upset about the maybes, I just wish that family dinners and get togethers held more priority with family members and weren't viewed as the secondary plans.
What usually happens whether we host or not is we get together at 4pm and by 7pm, its all over with and I'm back at home, bumming around in Facebook where people are posting pics and funny stories while they are still with their families. It was more depressing when I was still single and home alone but worst when you know all your friends are still with their families and your dinner/event is done and over with.
Its just so quick, I feel I barely get a chance to enjoy it.
Is it possible to hold your dinner on a separate day (one that is not so busy)? Perhaps spread it out the events on the weekends. For example, my grandparents would have their get-together on Christmas day, and my aunts/uncles would arrange a lunch/dinner the day after, and my parents have one on Christmas Eve.
You know I haven't tried that but we were nudged to have Thanksgiving dinner by my sister and soon as we confirmed she then replied that she'll see if she can make it. I also think it wouldn't matter the day, my family just doesn't want to make the time for family. It just seems like friends and other people are more important. And the elders (both our mothers) want to go home as soon as it gets dark.
Well, I totally get your dilemma. However, what you describe is really a sign of your family life becoming more complicated. With girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/in-laws/exes and everything else factored in, the people you describe have to balance a lot of competing interests during the holidays.
That being said, there's really no excuse for waffling on dinner plans. If you are invited, providing someone with a 'maybe' is rude. No ifs, ands, or buts. A straight up-and-down "Yes, we'll be there. What can we bring?" or "Sadly we have other plans, but we'd love to drop in afterwards/beforehand" are the only two answers one should give. Sure, you can say, "Hang on. I need to check with my significant other. But I'll call you right back." But to leave a host twisting in the wind is about the rudest thing one can do short of slapping her.
I totally agree on all counts. We have seven children between us and 10, soon to be 11 grandchildren. That means there are numerous in-laws involved as well. Conflicting engagements and obligations are nothing unusual and it's understandable if those with children want to spend the holidays in their own home. If we all lived in the same place or close to it, it could end up a nightmare scenario for planning purposes. Thankfully, we don't!
I'm right there with you on the aspect of politeness and consideration, however. Invitations should be responded to early and definitively. It's just plain good manners and an issue of convenience for the planning purposes of the host and/or hostess. Nothing's worse than planning a sit-down dinner for a dozen only to have half that number show up. The reverse can be even worse.
You know I haven't tried that but we were nudged to have Thanksgiving dinner by my sister and soon as we confirmed she then replied that she'll see if she can make it. I also think it wouldn't matter the day, my family just doesn't want to make the time for family. It just seems like friends and other people are more important. And the elders (both our mothers) want to go home as soon as it gets dark.
Sorry to hear I don't know why people would just do that (encourage you to have the dinner and then say they'll see if they can make it). Would a lunch work better if you want to spend more time with the elders? Then you guys wouldn't be restricted by when it gets dark.
As for the maybes, perhaps you can call them and express how much you want to see them and spend the holidays with them, unless you have done so already. Good luck
I totally agree on all counts. We have seven children between us and 10, soon to be 11 grandchildren. That means there are numerous in-laws involved as well. Conflicting engagements and obligations are nothing unusual and it's understandable if those with children want to spend the holidays in their own home. If we all lived in the same place or close to it, it could end up a nightmare scenario for planning purposes. Thankfully, we don't!
I'm right there with you on the aspect of politeness and consideration, however. Invitations should be responded to early and definitively. It's just plain good manners and an issue of convenience for the planning purposes of the host and/or hostess. Nothing's worse than planning a sit-down dinner for a dozen only to have half that number show up. The reverse can be even worse.
Exactly. My family can be a little last-minute on most things. But the holidays are mapped out with the same precision as a World War II commando raid on submarine pens. We know who's coming, who's not coming, where it is, what time dinner will be served, and who's bringing what.
As an aside, it's kind of rude to eat and run. You are not at a restaurant.
As an aside, it's kind of rude to eat and run. You are not at a restaurant.
Yeah. They either eat very little so they can save their appetites for their main plans, stop by just to make a plate or don't eat at all.
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And even the ones that stay (usually the elders) are only there for about 2 hours before they head elsewhere.
