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Old 11-16-2011, 04:02 PM
 
72 posts, read 118,187 times
Reputation: 48

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My sister and brother in law live in Washington and are planning on visiting for Christmas in AZ where I live. Problem is that my BIL has never accepted me and my family and has been very disrespectful to all of us. When we visit we are not welcome at their house b/c he says no. All the times we have tried to accept him as family, he is downright mean to us. We let him at our house several times and even let him stay here for 2 week. There has been occasions where he told us to "F" off for no reason at all. You get the idea.

My sister wants to have Christmas dinner at my house this year. My SO says no way after 12 years he has treated us like crap. I don't want him here either. I'm willing to go out to eat (strictly for my sister) by my SO won't. She wants my daughter and son to come as well. Last time he told my daughter's boyfriend off and so she probably won't want to go either.

She's asking me to get it straight before she comes here b/c she doesn't want things to be uncomfortable for everyone. She said she doesn't want to come if it's not straight.

What do I do? I think I should be honest and tell her we can go out to eat but play by ear who is going. Also, our feelings have been hurt too many times in the past so he can't come here but she can.

Last edited by movingacrosstown; 11-16-2011 at 04:14 PM..
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Old 11-16-2011, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,534,779 times
Reputation: 39865
Quote:
Originally Posted by movingacrosstown View Post
My sister and brother in law live in Washington and are planning on visiting for Christmas in AZ where I live. Problem is that my BIL has never accepted me and my family and has been very disrespectful to all of us. When we visit we are not welcome at their house. All the times we have tried to accept him as family, he is downright mean to us. We let him at our house several times and even let him stay here for 2 week. There has been occasions where he told us to "F" off for no reason at all. You get the idea.

My sister wants to have Christmas dinner at my house this year. My SO says no way after 12 years he has treated us like crap. I don't want him here either. I'm willing to go out to eat (strictly for my sister) by my SO won't. She wants my daughter and son to come as well. Last time he told my daughter's boyfriend off and so she probably won't want to go either.

She's asking me to get it straight before she comes here b/c she doesn't want things to be uncomfortable for everyone. She said she doesn't want to come if it's not straight.

What do I do? I think I should be honest and tell her we can go out to eat but play by ear who is going. Also, our feelings have been hurt too many times in the past so he can't come here but she can.
Well, your sister's insistence that you "get it straight" indicates to me that she doesn't realize or agree that her husband is the problem.

From your description of things, he is the one who should be "getting it straight" and apologizing for past behavior.

With two such opposing views, it's not real likely getting together would be a success.

I'd recommend you be frank with your sister.

Let her know you feel you've been wronged by her husband in the past and that unless he is extending an olive branch and agreeing to "come in peace", it just won't be a good idea to host the family Christmas dinner.

Do be sure to tell her how much you love and miss her and that you hate that this has come between you. But stand your ground and tell her your family is just not comfortable with her husband. Finish up by extending an invitation for her to meet one on one for lunch some other time during the visit.

Best of luck.
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Old 11-16-2011, 04:57 PM
 
72 posts, read 118,187 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Well, your sister's insistence that you "get it straight" indicates to me that she doesn't realize or agree that her husband is the problem.

From your description of things, he is the one who should be "getting it straight" and apologizing for past behavior.

With two such opposing views, it's not real likely getting together would be a success.

I'd recommend you be frank with your sister.

Let her know you feel you've been wronged by her husband in the past and that unless he is extending an olive branch and agreeing to "come in peace", it just won't be a good idea to host the family Christmas dinner.

Do be sure to tell her how much you love and miss her and that you hate that this has come between you. But stand your ground and tell her your family is just not comfortable with her husband. Finish up by extending an invitation for her to meet one on one for lunch some other time during the visit.

Best of luck.

Thanks. I asked her if he ever apologizes. She said yes but i can't force him to. She makes the excuse that she knows he's done bad things to her in the past and continues to do it but that doesn't have anything to do with how we should view him. She's missing the point that he has been very disrespectful to us in in the past and just wants us to move on and forget it. She says she wants the family to be closer and says he feels the same way. (I think that's coming from her, not him) All of these years, he's kept my sister isolated and doesn't want her around anybody including her family. Yes, he is mentally and sometimes physically abusive to her. It bothers me alot but i can't do anything about it.

Last time they came here, he refused to stop for lunch so my sister could see us. He drove right past our house. They stayed over a month and we couldn't see her b/c he made sure to stay 3 hours away. The time before that, he locked all of us out of the hotel room including my sister and wouldn't let us in. I went with them to the store about 5 miles from the house and he left me in the parking lot and said he won't take me back. I had to call my daughter to pick me up. He was invited to our house for dinner and everyone wanted Chinese and he said he wanted pizza, so we go it for him. We feel like we are being walked on by him. This is only a few of the things he's done in the past.

Anyhow, I just don't want to say the wrong thing and not get the opportunity to see her b/c it only happens every 3 years if I am lucky. My SO says I need to be upfront and there is no more kissing his ass. We've done it one too many times.

Last edited by movingacrosstown; 11-16-2011 at 05:09 PM..
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:37 PM
 
Location: FLG/PHX/MKE
7,288 posts, read 13,498,100 times
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Honest answer: Skip it and have the holidays with your immediate family.

There is nothing in your post that suggests that getting together with them is a good idea.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:13 PM
 
Location: The Pacific Northwest
6,015 posts, read 6,367,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 43north87west View Post
Honest answer: Skip it and have the holidays with your immediate family.

There is nothing in your post that suggests that getting together with them is a good idea.
I agree. I understand that you want to be with your family (namely your sister) during the holidays because who doesn't want to be with family this time of year? But in light of the BIL's past pattern of conduct, it's unlikely to be enjoyable for you nor your SO and children if this guy is here. If I were you I'd tell your sister sorry but that it probably isn't a good idea (because it in fact isn't) that they spend the holidays with you. Focus on your kids and SO. I guarantee it will be much more enjoyable. I'm sorry that you only get to see her every 3 years, that obviously is upsetting to you, but do you really want to risk ruining the holidays because of this guy?
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:48 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, TN
8,000 posts, read 17,098,453 times
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That sounds miserable to me, I would tell her I've made other plans and leave it at that, there comes a point when you have to remove toxic people from your life to alleviate the stress they cause you, family included.


Good luck!
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:56 PM
 
7,210 posts, read 8,638,436 times
Reputation: 9073
Agree 100% with MonaLisa.

It's not like you haven't given this the good 'ole college try. 12 years of this?

NO.MORE.

The only way to stop this treatment is to not be around people who act that way.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,798 posts, read 6,156,218 times
Reputation: 2525
Quote:
Originally Posted by movingacrosstown View Post
My sister and brother in law live in Washington and are planning on visiting for Christmas in AZ where I live. Problem is that my BIL has never accepted me and my family and has been very disrespectful to all of us. When we visit we are not welcome at their house b/c he says no. All the times we have tried to accept him as family, he is downright mean to us. We let him at our house several times and even let him stay here for 2 week. There has been occasions where he told us to "F" off for no reason at all. You get the idea.

My sister wants to have Christmas dinner at my house this year. My SO says no way after 12 years he has treated us like crap. I don't want him here either. I'm willing to go out to eat (strictly for my sister) by my SO won't. She wants my daughter and son to come as well. Last time he told my daughter's boyfriend off and so she probably won't want to go either.

She's asking me to get it straight before she comes here b/c she doesn't want things to be uncomfortable for everyone. She said she doesn't want to come if it's not straight.

What do I do? I think I should be honest and tell her we can go out to eat but play by ear who is going. Also, our feelings have been hurt too many times in the past so he can't come here but she can.

The Holidays are to spend time with people you love, not necessarily family. You are more than empowered to set a boundary here, no need to walk into the lions den so to speak.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:38 PM
 
5,702 posts, read 16,188,342 times
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Unfortunately I think skipping the holidays with sis is going to be the best route.
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Old 11-17-2011, 02:35 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,945 posts, read 7,549,112 times
Reputation: 7729
Agree with all the others.

Your sister's attitude is a little disappointing with the "put it straight" comment, but she could be being fed all kinds of crap by this guy and doesn't know what's really going on.

Life's too short to surround ourslves lwith a**holes, especially when we can choose not to !

Change your plans and spend Christmas with people you really want to be with.

I'm sure you'll miss your sister, but she's only atelephone call away.
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