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Old 11-18-2011, 07:32 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishiis49 View Post
I have a son 24 and a daughter 17...since you asked about boys/men I will tell you that my son started to separate himself from me at about 14!!So in some ways consider yourself lucky that you had 4 more years of closeness than I did!! I remember a dear friend of mine who had a son two years older than mine gave me the best advice...which is Do Not Take It Personally!!It is all part of the normal coming of age for a boy/man!They have the need to move away from the protection of their "Mom" and stand on there own.Sometimes it hurts but as parent you have to keep the bigger picture in mind...which is you want your child to become an independent well adjusted productive human being!
Oh, yes, he did start around 14 too . . .we somehow have maintained a "relationship," however rocky it can be . . .it has been a power struggle all of the way with some sweet moments . . .I guess I just think that when you grow up you become MORE capable of holding an adult conversation . . .not less . . . maybe when he is 30?
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
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Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Interesting. How/Where are you supposed to learn this? For years you are close as can be, then all of a sudden the closeness is unwanted on their side . . .I wish that there were instructions that came with kids . . . it is so counter-intuitive to me. I am the type of person who likes to bond with people and once I have bonded, I like to nurture those relationships.

I know nothing about the "man code," or the secret society of men. I know some grown men are very amiable and can hold conversations with women and others, not so much. I always thought this was due to different personality styles,. I didn't know that women are seen as "the enemy," and that you have to separate from them to "become a man."

In tribal cultures, boys go off and hunt, fight, explore, wrestle tigers, or whatever they do . . .and the moms are back in the tent weeping . . .it all seems so "uncivilized." I want it to be that you nurture someone, you love them, they love you back and appreciate you and can actually hold a conversation with you without getting all paranoid and defensive . . .if it is "normal" for boys to reject their female relatives, then why does it not feel good to the female relative? It just sucks.

Honey, a good mother doesn't weep when her son grows into a man - she rejoices! It's what she's been working for and looking forward to

How old are you again?
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:33 PM
 
Location: tampa bay
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It does suck!!! I still long for the days when I would walk into a room and my son's face would light-up...but I also know that it's just a part of life that like it or not is going to happen!!That's why God gives us grandchildren!!Can't wait!!
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:34 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Honey, a good mother doesn't weep when her son grows into a man - she rejoices! It's what she's been working for and looking forward to

How old are you again?
Where is the "growing into a man" part if you can't even have a conversation with someone?

What does my age have to do with anything?

If you are simply trying to insult me, I don't appreciate it as this is a sincere question I have asked - trying to gain understanding from men or mothers of men . . .
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:36 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishiis49 View Post
It does suck!!! I still long for the days when I would walk into a room and my son's face would light-up...but I also know that it's just a part of life that like it or not is going to happen!!That's why God gives us grandchildren!!Can't wait!!
Can you have adult conversations with your son of 24? Can you hang out, go for coffee, sit and talk?
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Where is the "growing into a man" part if you can't even have a conversation with someone?

What does my age have to do with anything?

If you are simply trying to insult me, I don't appreciate it as this is a sincere question I have asked - trying to gain understanding from men or mothers of men . . .
Uh, no...I'm not trying to "insult" you - which is why I originally gave you credit for being a "mature adult". But when you told me you aren't I wondered about your age.

If you aren't a mature adult, as you have claimed, then you are this boys peer, not a mentor or adult he needs to learn anything from.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:48 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Uh, no...I'm not trying to "insult" you - which is why I originally gave you credit for being a "mature adult". But when you told me you aren't I wondered about your age.

If you aren't a mature adult, as you have claimed, then you are this boys peer, not a mentor or adult he needs to learn anything from.
I am "old" - I asked this question in sincerity because it is not "common sense" to me . . .when you have bonded with someone and have a good relationship with them and then all of a sudden they withdraw and then tell you that they don't like talking to you - but they claim to "love" you - to me it is hurtful and confusing. If I had people, with experience, telling me that this is what boys/men do and in "x" amount of years they might return to normal, then that is one thing . . .or if it is just the way it HAS to be in this society - that there is this secret "man code" where men MUST reject their close female relatives for some reason . . .it is just very hard to comprehend from a RELATIONSHIP standpoint . . .

When you think that MATURE people don't insult other people by saying "I don't like to talk to YOU," then you wonder if the person is really maturing . . .where's the "maturing" part? Shouldn't a person be pretty "mature" in the sense of being polite and not hurting someone's feelings by 18? Or is it just ok and typical to say whatever the heck you want in your quest for "maturity."

He definitely had better manners at age 10 . . .when a person is "maturing," shouldn't they get better, not worse? It makes no sense to me.

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Old 11-18-2011, 07:49 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,085 posts, read 23,902,119 times
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imcurious

I think you're having the same seperation anxiety mothers experience when their kids get older and don't need their nurturing. It can hurt a bit when you're no longer needed. Hes not disguarded you completely, give him space and he'll return.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:50 PM
 
8,680 posts, read 13,306,012 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
One of my dearest relatives is a man/boy of 18 . . . He and I were always very close . . .but now he tells me he doesn't like talking to me, he thinks I am too "probing" with my questions about his life (like "How's work going?") . . .I am a very nurturing type of person and he does not want that anymore . . .(I like to do his laundry, for instance) . . .

I can understand some of this as being normal boundary issues and growing up and wanting/needing to separate from females or family (not sure about the actual dynamics of what needs to happen). I know some personalities are far less bristly than he is . . . he and I have power struggles, but he knows I love him very much.

The question is about what is "normal" and "healthy," and what to take personally and what to shrug off . . .I get my feelings hurt easily and when he says, "I don't like to talk to YOU," it hurts my feelings . . .

Of course I want to stay close to him . . . and he wants to separate . . .is it a personality difference thing (some people are more compatible than others), a developmental thing, other?

Just curious to hear from young men about how they feel about their female relatives that they once loved . . . and from moms of adult men . . . did you ever feel your son or relative was rejecting you and then later developed a good relationship with him, or did he just go off and ditch you and never look back?
What do you mean by "dearest relative?" What is your relationship to him? Are you his mother? Grandmother? Aunt? Cousin? Older sister?
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:51 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,862,561 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yzette View Post
What do you mean by "dearest relative?" What is your relationship to him? Are you his mother? Grandmother? Aunt? Cousin? Older sister?
I don't get into details for anonymity's sake. It's not important. We were/are "close". . .
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