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Old 11-18-2011, 07:51 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,605,943 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I am "old" - I asked this question in sincerity because it is not "common sense" to me . . .when you have bonded with someone and have a good relationship with them and then all of a sudden they withdraw and then tell you that they don't like talking to you - but they claim to "love" you - to me it is hurtful and confusing. If I had people, with experience, telling me that this is what boys/men do and in "x" amount of years they might return to normal, then that is one thing . . .or if it is just the way it HAS to be in this society - that there is this secret "man code" where men MUST reject their close female relatives for some reason . . .it is just very hard to comprehend from a RELATIONSHIP standpoint . . .

When you think that MATURE people don't insult other people by saying "I don't like to talk to YOU," then you wonder if the person is really maturing . . .where's the "maturing" part? Shouldn't a person be pretty "mature" in the sense of being polite and not hurting someone's feelings by 18? Or is it just ok and typical to say whatever the heck you want in your quest for "maturity."

He definitely had better manners at age 10 . . .when a person is "maturing," shouldn't they get better, not worse? It makes no sense to me.

Okay...so...you are a senior citizen?

I am honestly trying to understand your frame of reference as your reaction is a bit extreme.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:55 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
imcurious

I think you're having the same seperation anxiety mothers experience when their kids get older and don't need their nurturing. It can hurt a bit when you're no longer needed. Hes not disguarded you completely, give him space and he'll return.
I am definitely having "empty nest" or separation grief over his "growing up," but it is not really his growing up that has me grieving, because I view grown up people as being kind and nice and I view his behavior towards me as being unkind at times. That is what is bothering me more than anything . . .is it necessary for boys to be unkind to grow up? I guess that is part of the question and the other part is do they have to separate from the close females in their life? Is that something they HAVE to do to "become men?" And if so, why? Why is it necessary to reject the loving, nurturing female figures in your life?
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:55 PM
 
Location: Central Florida
973 posts, read 1,490,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
One of my dearest relatives is a man/boy of 18 . . . He and I were always very close . . .but now he tells me he doesn't like talking to me, he thinks I am too "probing" with my questions about his life (like "How's work going?") . . .I am a very nurturing type of person and he does not want that anymore . . .(I like to do his laundry, for instance) . . .

I can understand some of this as being normal boundary issues and growing up and wanting/needing to separate from females or family (not sure about the actual dynamics of what needs to happen). I know some personalities are far less bristly than he is . . . he and I have power struggles, but he knows I love him very much.

The question is about what is "normal" and "healthy," and what to take personally and what to shrug off . . .I get my feelings hurt easily and when he says, "I don't like to talk to YOU," it hurts my feelings . . .

Of course I want to stay close to him . . . and he wants to separate . . .is it a personality difference thing (some people are more compatible than others), a developmental thing, other?

Just curious to hear from young men about how they feel about their female relatives that they once loved . . . and from moms of adult men . . . did you ever feel your son or relative was rejecting you and then later developed a good relationship with him, or did he just go off and ditch you and never look back?
Don't quite understand your relationship with this 18 year old. Is it your son as you are not being very clear on what kind of a relationship this is.

But as for me, having raised two sons who are now 29 and 34, I guess I was lucky that they never really did pull away from me, and they loved for me to do their laundry. I really do no know why this was unless it was due to me raising them using the "Atticus Finch" methods which included giving them space to grow up and to make mistakes, but when they did, the ole Atticus lectures began, but besides this, I made sure we all ate dinner together except when they had a sports gig at school.

Both of my boys are still close to me, and we do go out to lunch or coffee still but not as often due to them both being new fathers. In fact, up until my oldest had his daughter in Jan., we would go out to dinner every other month, just to catch up.

I think all children are different; yet I do know that around that age (since I teach them at that age), they do tend to want to be more independent and less open and also not be "babied" as they are on the brink of manhood and do not look at being "nurtured" in a positive light any more, but more as a strangle-hold.

Last edited by Sagitarrius48; 11-18-2011 at 08:10 PM..
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:56 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Okay...so...you are a senior citizen?

I am honestly trying to understand your frame of reference as your reaction is a bit extreme.
My reaction is extreme to YOU. It is normal for me. Yes, I am a senior citizen, but I do not take relationships lightly. I am not an easy-going person. I am an INTJ.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,605,943 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I am definitely having "empty nest" or separation grief over his "growing up," but it is not really his growing up that has me grieving, because I view grown up people as being kind and nice and I view his behavior towards me as being unkind at times. That is what is bothering me more than anything . . .is it necessary for boys to be unkind to grow up? I guess that is part of the question and the other part is do they have to separate from the close females in their life? Is that something they HAVE to do to "become men?" And if so, why? Why is it necessary to reject the loving, nurturing female figures in your life?
Boys who pull away like this are sending a clear message that they are feeling smothered.

And yes, when a young man is feeling overly mothered he will get testy.

THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR.

It is how he establishes his autonomy.

If you are grieving, that's your issue, not his "fault".

Not trying to upset or insult you, but a grown up woman usually gets this.
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Old 11-18-2011, 08:00 PM
 
479 posts, read 731,758 times
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INTJ? Ok, now I understand...

Suggest streaming a Netflix Documentary on Human Development.
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Old 11-18-2011, 08:00 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,869,982 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagitarrius48 View Post
Don't quite understand your relationship with this 18 year old. Is it your son as you are not being very clear on what kind of a relationship this is.

But as for me, having raised two sons who are now 29 and 34, I guess I was lucky that they never really did pull away from me, and they loved for me to do their laundry. I really do no know why this was unless it was due to me raising them using the "Atticus Finch" methods which included giving them space to grow up and to make mistakes, but when they did, the ole Atticus lectures began, and to make sure we all ate dinner together except when they had a sports at school.

Both of my boys are still close to me, and we do go out to lunch or coffee still but not as often due to them both being new fathers. In fact, up until my oldest had his daughter in Jan., we would go out to dinner every other month, just to catch up.

I think all children are different; yet I do know that around that age (since I teach them at that age0, they do tend to want to be more independent and less open and also not be "babied" as they are on the brink of manhood and do not look at being "nurtured" in a positive light any more, but more as a strangle-hold.
No, it is not my son. And I am not being clear on the relationship on purpose. It really doesn't matter.

Interesting about your observations that they view being nurtured as a stranglehold!!!! That is very useful information for me to have. I can see that and appreciate it - just need to figure out how to be "me" and still have a relationship with him. I guess he will define it.

I am not familiar with the method you used, but it sounds fascinating!

Thank you for the info and insights.
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Old 11-18-2011, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,605,943 times
Reputation: 39870
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
my reaction is extreme to you. It is normal for me. Yes, i am a senior citizen, but i do not take relationships lightly. I am not an easy-going person. I am an intj.
intj?
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Old 11-18-2011, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,612 posts, read 1,317,837 times
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Default Adult sons

Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Can you have adult conversations with your son of 24? Can you hang out, go for coffee, sit and talk?
My son is almost 30. Absolutely you should be able to go out and have coffee,,sit and talk to a son of 24. In my experience the breaking away years were between 16 and 20. That said everyone is different. Not knowing what your exact relationship with said male is, it is hard to know how to help you. Adult males, as adult females also do have their own personal business that is none of anyones elses business.

Of course your relationship with an adult is vastly different from that relationship you had with a child, and you should acknowlege that fact.

They have their own opinions, goals, and standards. Hopefully they will have learned from you and grown toward a positive life journey.

Don't judge or push, just listen and support.
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Old 11-18-2011, 08:01 PM
 
479 posts, read 731,758 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
intj?
It seems there are many here. They're like the city-data borg.
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